Words Fail Me

There's a lot I need to say to some people but the words just won't come out. Or if they do, they come out wrong.

I want my f-i-l to stop judging what I do. I understand he's constantly worried about his son, but I'm human too. I want him to take the time to understand my disorders and realize that I'm not normal. I don't function like other people do. I know that he worries that I'm going to do what his ex-wife did to him but I'm not her. I'm not just going to live off my husband until I find better. I love my husband. I wouldn't do that to him. I also want him to stop trying to keep an eye on me. He has a church that he went to down here for a while before he stopped. He liked it a lot. I found a church that I thought would be nice for me. Now he wants to go to my church with me. I'm glad he's going to start going back, but I want to go somewhere on my own. I don't want to deal with a phone call asking why I didn't go to church one day. I want him to let me figure out what I want to do on my own. I'm not his child. He has never truly accepted me as one of the family.

I want M to stop worrying so much about me. She's getting overbearing. She's taking me grocery shopping today because she doesn't want me going by myself. I'm almost 25 years old. I think I know how to go grocery shopping by myself by now. Also she constantly asks if I've eaten and gives me a mini lecture if I haven't eaten what she thinks I should. She was slightly upset that I didn't tell her I was sick on Wednesday. I'm not going to text her every time I don't feel well. I can handle myself. I need to figure out how to tell her to back off without hurting her feelings because I know no matter what, she'll take it as a personal attack. What it is, is that I'm not in the best of places mentally and I really need time by myself. When I finally accepted that I've got 5 months of living alone, I started to like the idea of not having to let someone know when I decided to take off to Mt. Cheeha at midnight. I feel like she's trying to be my mother and I don't need that. I haven't had my mother be very motherly toward me for quite a while now. M is acting like I'm a small child. I don't need it. I appreciate the thought but, a lot of the time, I just want to be alone. I don't need someone judging when I eat, what I eat, etc. If I don't want to eat for a day, so be it. My choice.

Ok. Now I'm sounding like a spoiled little child. I know this. This is what I mean by the words don't come out right. I get so worked up that I just start ranting. It gets so frustrating. I just want them to understand that I am able to take care of myself. I can handle this just fine. I know that if I get too depressed, I can just walk into the mental health center and talk to someone, or if it's after hours I can call their crisis line. I have resources. I don't want to fully push them away, but I don't want to feel like I'm constantly being watched and criticized. When I stopped worrying about being alone, I started worrying that I'll never be able to be alone.

Manic

So I laid down about 2 hours ago to go to sleep. I was absolutely exhausted. Well, even after 2 Klonopin, I still couldn't sleep. Racing thoughts and all that fun stuff. Wondering if I have bills taken care of, work, weird house settling noises, wondering if I offended my friend M by only going out to dinner with her instead of going over to her house after, worrying about my hubby, etc. Finally, a random thought popped into my head. I had been joking about dying all of my hair the red color that I dyed the shorter hair framing my face. Well, now I'm sitting, waiting for 40 minutes to pass to wash out the hair dye. It was spur of the moment. Hope it turns out as good as it did with the other bits of hair. Not sure how everyone else is going to react though. Everyone told me not to. But this stuff gradually washes out. I figured, what the heck it's my hair why shouldn't I be able to dye it. Here's to hoping it turns out good.

On a side note, I got pictures hung in the house and rearranged the living room so there's more space and it looks more organized. I should have known I was getting manic earlier when I moved all that furniture on my own. Oh well.

I put the letters to my hubby in the mailbox yesterday. I still don't know how often he wants me to write so in one of the letters I asked. I had family members that wanted his address, email me on facebook so I could give it to them. Hopefully all these letters will keep his spirits up. I really do miss him so much. I'm slowly getting used to the freedom of being alone but I would still trade that to have him back home, hogging the bed. It's easier to sleep knowing he's at home.

Alone Time

I'm not really used to alone time. Usually I have dishes to clean up, trash to throw out, errands to run, laundry to fold and put away. I wasn't ready for this. I hung up some pictures that we had been meaning to put up. It felt weird because I didn't have him here to give his opinion. When money comes in, I'm going to finish painting the trim in the dining room. I guess I could move around the living room, but like before it's weird without his opinion. To make it worse, I still have another day off.

He couldn't call tonight but he sent me a text with the address to send him mail. I'll finish my letter for him and put it in the mail tomorrow.

I don't really know what to say. I want to keep this blog updated, though no one really reads it, but I'm just so down that I don't have the energy to. I guess this will be a short entry.

A New Hurt

Today went alright. I did the online survey about insurance, ordered new stickers for the license plate, emailed the people we're buying the house from,  got my klonopin refilled, and set up an appointment with my counselor for next month. I also cleaned out the refrigerator and cupboards. Fairly productive day.

Then I text my friend Bri. She's really supportive. She'll be driving down here for my birthday in October. She'll probably have the kids with so I figure we'll go to the Birmingham Zoo or something similar that I haven't been to. The only down side, is what we started talking about. Her and her husband are trying for another baby. She had a miscarriage last month. I did what I usually do to give her baby mojo. I told her not to get pregnant. For some reason, that always seems to work. Suddenly she realized that it might make me upset talking about it. She felt bad but I played it off and told her she would have to give me baby mojo when hubby gets home in January.

It does make me a bit sad. I've been trying for 5 years now. Luckily I'll have Tricare soon and I'll be able to finally see a doctor and figure out what's wrong. I'm just terrified of what I might find out. If I get told that I can't have kids, I'm going to be devastated. I shouldn't think about that now. Just need to relax before bed and be prepared to start working again tomorrow.

Not Quite Goodbye

Today we brought hubby to Montgomery. It went better than I thought. We got to drive him down so I spent time with him then. We stopped at DreamLand BBQ and had lunch. Then we walked around a bit and went to the Hank Williams Museum. Finally, we made our way to his hotel and sat in the lobby for a while. My father-in-law and I left him there around 3 so that he could check into his room.

I cried a little when we were hugging goodbye and I was sniffling pretty bad as I walked to my car. I think my father-in-law might have cried in the bathroom for a minute. One thing I'm thankful for, is we never actually said goodbye. I think I would have lost it had we actually said those words. I can sort of live in a false belief that he'll be home soon. Though as I write this, the sadness is starting to come on a bit.

The drive home wasn't as bad as I was expecting. I drove and maybe that helped keep me focused on something other than how sad I was feeling. My father-in-law and I talked most of the ride and it was pretty nice. He wasn't overbearing and he didn't say anything about me needing to be strong. I think he understood that the less people ask me (how I'm doing, how I'm holding up, if I'm ok, etc.) the better I'll be.

My friend from group, M, on the other hand, doesn't seem to understand this. With every text, she would ask if I'm ok. I want to scream that no I'm not. I'm a mess. I'm exhausted, lonely, frightened, and lost feeling. She even called when I got home. I don't want to talk. I want to be left alone. She wants to see me tomorrow. I understand that she's just looking out for me and she's worried about how I'm holding up, but it's already too much. If I look bad or sound upset, fine ask me if I'm ok. But if I say I'm fine and sound fine, let me be. I don't talk about these things easily with people. It takes years and years for me to trust someone enough to tell them when I'm upset. My friend back up in Michigan, Babs, is the only one other than my husband that I can flat out tell them when I'm depressed. I've known Babs since I was in 5th grade. We've been friends for 14 years. I've only known M for a year and a half, and we've already stopped talking once.

Oh well. I'm just rambling now. I should get off here and take care of Button (our lab). She seems to know that I'm upset.

Next Chapter

I feel like I'm slowly falling apart. I've known for 6 months when my hubby was going to leave for basic training. I should have spent those 6 months looking for support groups or online groups to join and talk about how I'm feeling. I should have connected with other people who are going through the same thing. But I didn't. I spent it in blissful ignorance and pretending that I'd be alright. Well, I'm not alright. The last week I've been falling apart. I started getting sick about two weeks ago. Started as just my blood sugar being a little low. Then I stopped eating as much. Finally, I started getting sick at work. I had planned on working until Friday (the 22nd), but that didn't work. On Wednesday I got sick while working and my supervisor told me to go home. I contacted my boss and asked for the rest of the week off. Luckily she was understanding of what was going on and told me to take the time off to be with my hubby.

Then came the revelation of this evening. I won't be seeing him off on Tuesday. We're driving down to Montgomery tomorrow to bring him to check into his hotel. We'll get the rest of the afternoon to hang out and get dinner. Then his father and I will have to drive home. In and of itself, that isn't too bad. What bothers me the most, is that he (the hubby) decided to get drunk tonight. Any other night, 6 beers would make him a little buzzed but not much else. Tonight, for some reason, it made him drunk. Maybe he drank them too fast. I don't know. I just know that my last memories of being with him for the next 5 months, is going to be of him not making much sense while I cry.

It shouldn't be bothering me as much as it is. I know this. I've just always been overly emotional. Everyone that knows me, knows this. What most people don't know, is that I don't have any medication to help me through this. When I got this job, I missed an appointment with my counselor and with the psychiatrist. And now, I work during the week. Due to all my special requests around my hubby leaving, I'm afraid to ask for time off to see my counselor or the psychiatrist even though I know I desperately need to. The Lamictal that I was taking was giving me a rash. Since I work during the day, I haven't had a chance to refill my Klonopin. I'm not even sure if they'll give me a refill since I missed the appointment with the psychiatrist. All I know is I'm in for one rough month of figuring everything out.

Another problem is money. Hubby only worked 2 days last week and I only had 11 hours. After this pay check, he won't be getting paid for a while. They said he might not get paid until September 1st. That leaves me a month's worth of bills to pay on my lousy pay. Mind you, I won't have to worry about him eating or buying things. But the big problem is without the Klonopin, I turn to smoking to help deal with my stress. Not a cheap habit to have.

I have one friend whose husband was in the army. But she was around family and friends when he was in basic training. I'm miles away from most of my family and friends. I have my father-in-law whom I fight with on a semi regular basis, a friend from group that I'm worried will want to be around me a bit too much, and an old boss whom I haven't talked to in quite a while. The friend from group, I'm afraid, will be on constant suicide watch with me because she thinks I'll do something stupid when I get depressed. The only other person I can think of to talk to is my sister-in-law whose husband is the Captain Chaplain. But she wasn't there when he did training. She hasn't had to deal with him being gone for long periods of time yet. I just want to find one person that will understand what I'm going through and not tell me to just suck it up.

I don't know. I know I'm more worried than I should be. But I also know how hard the weeks were when hubby did over the road driving. Even then he was only gone for 2 weeks at the longest and I was able to talk to him every day. I'll be lucky to talk on the phone more than 3 times during basic. We'll be able to write letters but I doubt he'll be able to write me much. I'm just so stressed. I guess I'll try to get some sleep. He should be asleep by now.

Broken Toilets and Empty Stomachs

The toilet in our main bathroom keeps leaking. It stopped when my father in law was here, but started after he left. I'll have him come over tomorrow to replace or fix whichever part is leaking. I don't think it's what he and the husband think it is. They think it's an internal piece. I'm pretty sure it's the part that comes out of the wall. But what do I know? Even if I'm right, they'll ignore me anyway. That's how it goes. I'm the woman so I can't possibly know what I'm doing when it comes to household repairs.

On a side note, I'm so hungry. Everything we have to eat in the house requires milk, which I don't have. I guess I could make some chicken broth soup stuff but that sounds awful. There's nothing left in the fridge (any leftovers are beyond bad, even the cupcakes have mold) I was going to order a pizza for take out, but realized just how expensive it was for me to get the kind of pizza I want. I don't have friends to call to bring me somewhere real quick. My father in law is probably drunk or asleep. I obviously don't have the car. This seriously sucks.I've been eating caramel dip for some reason. I guess you eat what you can when you're hungry.

I guess I'm going to go and try to fix the damned toilet myself and then play Ever Quest II.