I don't really know what to say. It's been a long time since I've updated this. A LOT has gone on since then.
M and I are no longer friends. We had another row back in August or September. I finally had enough. This time it was me telling her we couldn't be friends. She tried so hard to make me feel bad about it. It worked at first but then it just got weird. I had to ask my counselor at the mental health center to tell her to leave me alone. I blocked hers and her friends phone numbers on my phone. That I know of, she hasn't tried to contact me.
I stopped going to counseling. It was getting to be too expensive and I wasn't really getting anything out of it anymore. It was more like talking to a friend about her week than about dealing with my issues. I need to stop getting so close to counselors. I act like friends and then I stop getting anything out of the sessions. To make it worse, I know what they'll say to me. I'm a Psych major so I know what I should do, I just don't know how to go about it. I need someone that will give me tips and ideas of how to go about dealing with things. I don't want "find something to keep you busy". I want specific ideas of how to do that. I don't have the drive to do any of my hobbies anymore. I stopped with the stained glass, I have hit a horrible writers block, driving doesn't help anymore either.
After the row with M I finally met my friend C in person. She and I met on an app called Whisper. You post your secrets anonymously. Things have been up and down with our friendship since we both have depression and bipolar disorder. But she was there for me through all of hubby's training.
Hubby went through Basic training, AIT, and Airborne. He's now doing his two week summer training. He's close and gets to visit home a lot. He's coming home later tonight (it's already almost 3am) and goes back on Sunday. With all the money troubles (I'll explain in a bit) he may volunteer for a deployment in the fall. I'm not sure I'm ready for that. I thought I would have a couple years to prepare. We're both on the fence about it. We both know we need the money but it feels like he just got home.
Money has been a big issue lately. We've had a lot of bills come up randomly and the people we're buying the house from cashed our mortgage check two weeks early even after promising to wait. So right now, hubby is able to get food at training but I'm suffering. I had just enough money to get some milk, butter, and a little meat. Hopefully I'll have enough to eat until the 13th when he gets paid. My f-i-l just helped us last week with bills so I will not ask him for help again so soon. (Especially after the lecture the other day about the possibility of going to Michigan.) My father can't help until my step-mother gets her fathers estate settled. I'm down to asking my mother to borrow money until my hubby's sign on bonus comes in. I don't want to because I know she will probably make me feel awful for asking, but if I don't I won't really have money for food.
My father goes in for an MRI some time in the next two weeks about his leg. It's been going out on him. He had a rod and pins put in over 15 years ago so they may have to have it taken out. The problems started back in January of February but they're just now getting the second opinion. We were originally supposed to go to Michigan in the event of him needing surgery. Now it's just to get him to stop asking me to visit. It's not like he really wants to see me either. He's more concerned with getting drunk with his son in law. But I do miss my friends back up north. I've had one guy stop by and see me around my birthday because he was in the area. He stopped for about an hour on his way back up north.
I feel a little better getting all of this off my chest. I was in a horrible funk today after I brought hubby back to post. I went for a drive to Mt. Cheaha and just ended up crying in the car by myself. C didn't answer my text so I went alone. I've felt nothing but alone since then. It's a bit weird pouring my heart out to the internet but it's not like people read this. I guess it's just a way to feel like someone can hear me. Oh well. Rambling now. G'night.
