Words Fail Me

There's a lot I need to say to some people but the words just won't come out. Or if they do, they come out wrong.

I want my f-i-l to stop judging what I do. I understand he's constantly worried about his son, but I'm human too. I want him to take the time to understand my disorders and realize that I'm not normal. I don't function like other people do. I know that he worries that I'm going to do what his ex-wife did to him but I'm not her. I'm not just going to live off my husband until I find better. I love my husband. I wouldn't do that to him. I also want him to stop trying to keep an eye on me. He has a church that he went to down here for a while before he stopped. He liked it a lot. I found a church that I thought would be nice for me. Now he wants to go to my church with me. I'm glad he's going to start going back, but I want to go somewhere on my own. I don't want to deal with a phone call asking why I didn't go to church one day. I want him to let me figure out what I want to do on my own. I'm not his child. He has never truly accepted me as one of the family.

I want M to stop worrying so much about me. She's getting overbearing. She's taking me grocery shopping today because she doesn't want me going by myself. I'm almost 25 years old. I think I know how to go grocery shopping by myself by now. Also she constantly asks if I've eaten and gives me a mini lecture if I haven't eaten what she thinks I should. She was slightly upset that I didn't tell her I was sick on Wednesday. I'm not going to text her every time I don't feel well. I can handle myself. I need to figure out how to tell her to back off without hurting her feelings because I know no matter what, she'll take it as a personal attack. What it is, is that I'm not in the best of places mentally and I really need time by myself. When I finally accepted that I've got 5 months of living alone, I started to like the idea of not having to let someone know when I decided to take off to Mt. Cheeha at midnight. I feel like she's trying to be my mother and I don't need that. I haven't had my mother be very motherly toward me for quite a while now. M is acting like I'm a small child. I don't need it. I appreciate the thought but, a lot of the time, I just want to be alone. I don't need someone judging when I eat, what I eat, etc. If I don't want to eat for a day, so be it. My choice.

Ok. Now I'm sounding like a spoiled little child. I know this. This is what I mean by the words don't come out right. I get so worked up that I just start ranting. It gets so frustrating. I just want them to understand that I am able to take care of myself. I can handle this just fine. I know that if I get too depressed, I can just walk into the mental health center and talk to someone, or if it's after hours I can call their crisis line. I have resources. I don't want to fully push them away, but I don't want to feel like I'm constantly being watched and criticized. When I stopped worrying about being alone, I started worrying that I'll never be able to be alone.

Manic

So I laid down about 2 hours ago to go to sleep. I was absolutely exhausted. Well, even after 2 Klonopin, I still couldn't sleep. Racing thoughts and all that fun stuff. Wondering if I have bills taken care of, work, weird house settling noises, wondering if I offended my friend M by only going out to dinner with her instead of going over to her house after, worrying about my hubby, etc. Finally, a random thought popped into my head. I had been joking about dying all of my hair the red color that I dyed the shorter hair framing my face. Well, now I'm sitting, waiting for 40 minutes to pass to wash out the hair dye. It was spur of the moment. Hope it turns out as good as it did with the other bits of hair. Not sure how everyone else is going to react though. Everyone told me not to. But this stuff gradually washes out. I figured, what the heck it's my hair why shouldn't I be able to dye it. Here's to hoping it turns out good.

On a side note, I got pictures hung in the house and rearranged the living room so there's more space and it looks more organized. I should have known I was getting manic earlier when I moved all that furniture on my own. Oh well.

I put the letters to my hubby in the mailbox yesterday. I still don't know how often he wants me to write so in one of the letters I asked. I had family members that wanted his address, email me on facebook so I could give it to them. Hopefully all these letters will keep his spirits up. I really do miss him so much. I'm slowly getting used to the freedom of being alone but I would still trade that to have him back home, hogging the bed. It's easier to sleep knowing he's at home.

Alone Time

I'm not really used to alone time. Usually I have dishes to clean up, trash to throw out, errands to run, laundry to fold and put away. I wasn't ready for this. I hung up some pictures that we had been meaning to put up. It felt weird because I didn't have him here to give his opinion. When money comes in, I'm going to finish painting the trim in the dining room. I guess I could move around the living room, but like before it's weird without his opinion. To make it worse, I still have another day off.

He couldn't call tonight but he sent me a text with the address to send him mail. I'll finish my letter for him and put it in the mail tomorrow.

I don't really know what to say. I want to keep this blog updated, though no one really reads it, but I'm just so down that I don't have the energy to. I guess this will be a short entry.

A New Hurt

Today went alright. I did the online survey about insurance, ordered new stickers for the license plate, emailed the people we're buying the house from,  got my klonopin refilled, and set up an appointment with my counselor for next month. I also cleaned out the refrigerator and cupboards. Fairly productive day.

Then I text my friend Bri. She's really supportive. She'll be driving down here for my birthday in October. She'll probably have the kids with so I figure we'll go to the Birmingham Zoo or something similar that I haven't been to. The only down side, is what we started talking about. Her and her husband are trying for another baby. She had a miscarriage last month. I did what I usually do to give her baby mojo. I told her not to get pregnant. For some reason, that always seems to work. Suddenly she realized that it might make me upset talking about it. She felt bad but I played it off and told her she would have to give me baby mojo when hubby gets home in January.

It does make me a bit sad. I've been trying for 5 years now. Luckily I'll have Tricare soon and I'll be able to finally see a doctor and figure out what's wrong. I'm just terrified of what I might find out. If I get told that I can't have kids, I'm going to be devastated. I shouldn't think about that now. Just need to relax before bed and be prepared to start working again tomorrow.

Not Quite Goodbye

Today we brought hubby to Montgomery. It went better than I thought. We got to drive him down so I spent time with him then. We stopped at DreamLand BBQ and had lunch. Then we walked around a bit and went to the Hank Williams Museum. Finally, we made our way to his hotel and sat in the lobby for a while. My father-in-law and I left him there around 3 so that he could check into his room.

I cried a little when we were hugging goodbye and I was sniffling pretty bad as I walked to my car. I think my father-in-law might have cried in the bathroom for a minute. One thing I'm thankful for, is we never actually said goodbye. I think I would have lost it had we actually said those words. I can sort of live in a false belief that he'll be home soon. Though as I write this, the sadness is starting to come on a bit.

The drive home wasn't as bad as I was expecting. I drove and maybe that helped keep me focused on something other than how sad I was feeling. My father-in-law and I talked most of the ride and it was pretty nice. He wasn't overbearing and he didn't say anything about me needing to be strong. I think he understood that the less people ask me (how I'm doing, how I'm holding up, if I'm ok, etc.) the better I'll be.

My friend from group, M, on the other hand, doesn't seem to understand this. With every text, she would ask if I'm ok. I want to scream that no I'm not. I'm a mess. I'm exhausted, lonely, frightened, and lost feeling. She even called when I got home. I don't want to talk. I want to be left alone. She wants to see me tomorrow. I understand that she's just looking out for me and she's worried about how I'm holding up, but it's already too much. If I look bad or sound upset, fine ask me if I'm ok. But if I say I'm fine and sound fine, let me be. I don't talk about these things easily with people. It takes years and years for me to trust someone enough to tell them when I'm upset. My friend back up in Michigan, Babs, is the only one other than my husband that I can flat out tell them when I'm depressed. I've known Babs since I was in 5th grade. We've been friends for 14 years. I've only known M for a year and a half, and we've already stopped talking once.

Oh well. I'm just rambling now. I should get off here and take care of Button (our lab). She seems to know that I'm upset.

Next Chapter

I feel like I'm slowly falling apart. I've known for 6 months when my hubby was going to leave for basic training. I should have spent those 6 months looking for support groups or online groups to join and talk about how I'm feeling. I should have connected with other people who are going through the same thing. But I didn't. I spent it in blissful ignorance and pretending that I'd be alright. Well, I'm not alright. The last week I've been falling apart. I started getting sick about two weeks ago. Started as just my blood sugar being a little low. Then I stopped eating as much. Finally, I started getting sick at work. I had planned on working until Friday (the 22nd), but that didn't work. On Wednesday I got sick while working and my supervisor told me to go home. I contacted my boss and asked for the rest of the week off. Luckily she was understanding of what was going on and told me to take the time off to be with my hubby.

Then came the revelation of this evening. I won't be seeing him off on Tuesday. We're driving down to Montgomery tomorrow to bring him to check into his hotel. We'll get the rest of the afternoon to hang out and get dinner. Then his father and I will have to drive home. In and of itself, that isn't too bad. What bothers me the most, is that he (the hubby) decided to get drunk tonight. Any other night, 6 beers would make him a little buzzed but not much else. Tonight, for some reason, it made him drunk. Maybe he drank them too fast. I don't know. I just know that my last memories of being with him for the next 5 months, is going to be of him not making much sense while I cry.

It shouldn't be bothering me as much as it is. I know this. I've just always been overly emotional. Everyone that knows me, knows this. What most people don't know, is that I don't have any medication to help me through this. When I got this job, I missed an appointment with my counselor and with the psychiatrist. And now, I work during the week. Due to all my special requests around my hubby leaving, I'm afraid to ask for time off to see my counselor or the psychiatrist even though I know I desperately need to. The Lamictal that I was taking was giving me a rash. Since I work during the day, I haven't had a chance to refill my Klonopin. I'm not even sure if they'll give me a refill since I missed the appointment with the psychiatrist. All I know is I'm in for one rough month of figuring everything out.

Another problem is money. Hubby only worked 2 days last week and I only had 11 hours. After this pay check, he won't be getting paid for a while. They said he might not get paid until September 1st. That leaves me a month's worth of bills to pay on my lousy pay. Mind you, I won't have to worry about him eating or buying things. But the big problem is without the Klonopin, I turn to smoking to help deal with my stress. Not a cheap habit to have.

I have one friend whose husband was in the army. But she was around family and friends when he was in basic training. I'm miles away from most of my family and friends. I have my father-in-law whom I fight with on a semi regular basis, a friend from group that I'm worried will want to be around me a bit too much, and an old boss whom I haven't talked to in quite a while. The friend from group, I'm afraid, will be on constant suicide watch with me because she thinks I'll do something stupid when I get depressed. The only other person I can think of to talk to is my sister-in-law whose husband is the Captain Chaplain. But she wasn't there when he did training. She hasn't had to deal with him being gone for long periods of time yet. I just want to find one person that will understand what I'm going through and not tell me to just suck it up.

I don't know. I know I'm more worried than I should be. But I also know how hard the weeks were when hubby did over the road driving. Even then he was only gone for 2 weeks at the longest and I was able to talk to him every day. I'll be lucky to talk on the phone more than 3 times during basic. We'll be able to write letters but I doubt he'll be able to write me much. I'm just so stressed. I guess I'll try to get some sleep. He should be asleep by now.

Broken Toilets and Empty Stomachs

The toilet in our main bathroom keeps leaking. It stopped when my father in law was here, but started after he left. I'll have him come over tomorrow to replace or fix whichever part is leaking. I don't think it's what he and the husband think it is. They think it's an internal piece. I'm pretty sure it's the part that comes out of the wall. But what do I know? Even if I'm right, they'll ignore me anyway. That's how it goes. I'm the woman so I can't possibly know what I'm doing when it comes to household repairs.

On a side note, I'm so hungry. Everything we have to eat in the house requires milk, which I don't have. I guess I could make some chicken broth soup stuff but that sounds awful. There's nothing left in the fridge (any leftovers are beyond bad, even the cupcakes have mold) I was going to order a pizza for take out, but realized just how expensive it was for me to get the kind of pizza I want. I don't have friends to call to bring me somewhere real quick. My father in law is probably drunk or asleep. I obviously don't have the car. This seriously sucks.I've been eating caramel dip for some reason. I guess you eat what you can when you're hungry.

I guess I'm going to go and try to fix the damned toilet myself and then play Ever Quest II.

Feeling Lost

I've heard it said that losing a very close friend (i.e. having them abandon you) hurts as much, if not worse than losing a romantic relationship.

I am beginning to understand that. I want to cry but everyone expects me to act like it was nothing and that I'll be fine in a few days, if not in a few hours. I didn't just lose a casual friend. I lost a person who I thought was my best friend down here. I lost someone who I had told my deepest, darkest secrets to. She is who I went to when things got to be too much for me. She was the one keeping me strong when the urge to hurt myself got to be too much. I was the one she went to when she had no where else to go. I was the one she went to when she didn't understand something with her phone. I was the one who never bailed on any plans. Yet here we are. Strangers.

About a month ago she got into an argument with one of her other friends, because the other woman said she was sick but was just saying so to get out of plans. Later the second woman posted something on facebook saying "I hope you have fun with your new friend." It was directed towards me and M*. M* just laughed about it. She promised we'd never end up like that. Yet here I am.

I posted this on my Facebook wall the other day, ""When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand."
Henri Nouwen"

I thought she was that kind of friend. I hoped that I was that kind of friend as well. Apparently not. I know I sound like a little middle school girl who just broke up with her first boyfriend, but I really needed a support system for when hubby is off at Basic and AIT for 4 months. Now all I have is his dad, who I really don't get along with very well and get sick of very easily.

Last night I saw a post from another friend, K* my old boss, she went out with some girls. I think I'm going to just stop trying with her as well. I love talking to her, love seeing her for her lunch, but I never see her other than during that time. She's always working, and I feel so bad for how tired she gets. One night when I knew she  had a couple days off, I asked if she wanted to come out. She said she doesn't drink much anymore. From the Facebook post, she still does just not with me.

The only real contact I have with my "friends" up north, excluding B* because I still talk to her on the phone and text a lot, is on the internet. Even then we talk for a little bit and then silence for months other than a "like" here or a "share" there.

It's not like I can go out in the afternoon and find some kind of hobby. Hubby needs the car home by 2 in case he has to leave early for work. It's times like this were I just feel hopeless.

Told You So

Went to friends house today. They were waiting outside. I knew what they were going to say before they said it. At first they were reluctant to hug me. I knew I was right.

M* said I was a bit clingy. (She could have told me this before and I would have backed off. My friend B* back in MI and I always hung out together so I thought it was normal). Also when she thought I was going to hurt myself the other week, she kept texting me and calling me to see if I was ok. She brought up how worried I was when they were sick as part of me being clingy. Hypocritical.

She also said that I was a lot younger than them. (They're 58 and I'm 24) D* had to add that she had grandchildren older than me. So evidently I'm only allowed to hang around the morons my own age. I've never gotten along with people my age. I would rather talk to someone who can hold an intelligent conversation, but I guess that's not my choice to make.

M* also commented on my sexuality. She wasn't comfortable with me being Bi (again she could have said something before and I would have never mentioned it.) Also she didn't approve of how hubby and I act in our relationship. (That's none of her damned business. She's never been married.) D* had to add in that when she was married it was just her and her husband. (Just because you don't understand it, it doesn't give you the right to judge on it.)

Finally M* said we just didn't click anymore. That hurt the worst. One day we're fine, the next it's not. I don't know what triggered it and I really don't give a f*** anymore.

I couldn't say anything. I just sat there and listened. I knew it was coming. I had partially prepared myself for this but others said it was probably something else. I knew better. When M* stopped talking I just got up gave them one last hug and started walking away. She said she still cares about me. I said I care about them too. Right now, I really don't.

She promised she would be there for me no matter what. What a joke. She was worried about me relapsing, oops. 119 days down the drain. My therapist will be disappointed but I don't even care. It's the only way I can cope right now. I lost two of my only friends. I tried texting K* my old boss, but she wasn't taking a lunch today so I can't talk to her.

I removed everyone from my old group therapy from facebook so none of them could keep up with me. I don't want any of them going back to M* and telling her how upset I am. I don't quite want to block their phone numbers yet, but I'm close.

I can't cry anymore. I got most of that out last night and as I was driving home today. I still want to cry my eyes out but the tears won't come. I feel so alone and hubby is sound asleep. Video games didn't work, chat room made it worse, I don't know what to do.

We Need To Talk

The four most frightening words someone can say to you. Well, to me at least. Friend was feeling better today so I saw her for a little bit. She seemed ok but something seemed off. I figured it was just her being exhausted.

She sent me a text a little bit ago asking if hubby was working tonight. I said yes. Her response was "we need to talk to you tomorrow." Meaning her and her roommate/friend. I asked why. She said it would be best if we all talked together. She said she would text me when they were both up so I'll probably have to wait until darn near noon tomorrow to figure out what the heck is going on.  I'm worried.

Nothing good has ever come from we need to talk. We need to talk: ______ has passed away. We need to talk: Your dad and I are going to try and get back together (after 16 years). We need to talk: (get's left in basement for over an hour after an argument). We need to talk: We had to put ____ down. We need to talk: I'm tired of having to be a parent to you all the time. We need to talk: You need to move back in with your mother. We need to talk: My friends are starting to comment on our relationship.

This time, I'm really worried. A million things are running through my mind. The one that stands out the most is this; We need to talk: I think it would be best if you didn't rely on coming over here so often.

If that's the case, I've lost all my friends. R* went back home when she was pregnant. K* is barely answering my texts. W* never goes through with plans. A* scares the crap out of me when we're alone. And if this is true M* and D* don't want me around.

You should never tell someone you need to talk with them unless you are ready to do so immediately. She could have said, "Oh just wondering." and "You should come over tomorrow." Now I get to spend the whole fucking night worrying what is going on. It's not like I can sleep. I just got up an hour ago.

I don't want to lose the only friends I can rely on. It'll break my heart. I'm already alone all the time. I know I'm needy and I love visiting them. I worry about them all the time. But I'm always there for them when I can be. I went and got them some groceries and food when they weren't feeling well the other day.

I just don't care anymore. I'm just going to take a crap ton of my Klonopin, smoke some cigarettes and try to forget it all. I've got roughly 14 hours before I'll know anything anyway. Fucking panic attacks.

Too Early

This is just too early. My husband woke me up as he was coming to bed. Now I'm awake. This sucks.

It's going to rain today so I can't mow the front lawn, even though it desperately needs it and the hubby hasn't listened to my advice of going to bed early so he can do it. I already mowed the back lawn.

I guess I could go back up to Mt. Cheeha again since I can take either my car or my father in law's car. I borrowed his car last night, hoping I could see my friend but when she didn't answer I called her friend and was told they were calling it an early night. I text her this morning. She's going back to bed and will let me know when she gets up. I might as well just return my father in laws car so I don't have to deal with him later.

I'll have our car until 2 ish. If I do get to see my friend, however unlikely, I can just have hubby drop me off and pick me up when he gets home. If I do stay there, I'll smoke on the front porch until he gets out. Or I'll call a cab or something. Screw it, she probably doesn't want to see me today either. I'll just return my father in laws car and go to bed. Take some Klonopin and Valium and sleep until I can't sleep anymore.

I'm already in an awful mood. This is not a good start to the day.

Feeling Useless

So, my friend is now ignoring me.

Let me backtrack a little. When she did respond to me she told me she was just tired. I told her I was just worried about the psychiatrist visit and I didn't mean to pester her. she let me know how the appointment went. Luckily it went well. Then we started talking about getting my wisdom teeth taken out.

A couple days ago I told her that I had to have them removed. I told her I couldn't do it until I got insurance (Late August or early September) She suggested I do it next week since my hubby has the week off. I explained that I couldn't afford it. We can barely afford groceries and bills, let alone having 4 wisdom teeth pulled. She explained she didn't want me home alone when I had the procedure done because I would be on pain meds and have to go on a mostly liquid diet. I explained that my father in law could help me out by sticking around during the day or I could stay in his guest room.

Then she told me she was broke and her car broke down yesterday. I asked what happened. She said she was going to take it in and see what's wrong but she couldn't afford to fix whatever it is. I offered to take her out or bring her anything she needed today since I had the car until 2. She just responded with "I am tired and don't care at this moment." I asked if she was alright. She just said tired and stressed and she'd talk to me later. That was 7 hours ago. I was hoping that I could get a ride over there when Zach left.

So a little bit ago I text her other phone (the one she's giving to her roommate) and asked if they were alright. The response was just "Yes". I told her I was just checking because I got worried earlier. No response. I don't know if I've offended them or what.

After the conversation this morning, I went to Mt. Cheeha. I was really low and needed to do something. That's why I wanted to see my friend. I went up there and as I was sitting at the edge of Bald Rock, with the wind whipping through me, I had the worst thoughts imaginable go through my mind. I kept looking below me at the slight drop off. I wondered how far I would have to jump out so that I wouldn't just get hurt. That's all I could think about. The wind was strong, but it was pushing against me. I'd have to get a running start. Then I thought about how my husband wouldn't have the car to get to work and wouldn't know where I was. He'd assume I was at my friend's house and he doesn't know her phone number. Even when I want to end everything, I still think about how it would screw over someone else.

116 days clean from my "habit". I promised my friend I wouldn't. She promised if I ever felt the need, to call her and she'd be there for me. Well now I feel like I'm losing her so why bother keeping my promise? I still want her to be proud of me but I feel like I'm a leech or something bothering her. Who do you call when the only person you have to call, is having a rough time of their own. Suicide lines are for suicidal people. They don't have self-harm hotlines.

I hoped video games would distract me. They didn't. I hoped revising would distract me. It didn't. Maybe posting it all on here, where no one will read it but I'll get it off my chest, will help. But it isn't. I don't know where else to turn. I'm not even tired after being awake for 18 straight hours. I just don't know.

Feeling Ignored

“But she knows she has a curse on her,
a curse she cannot win.
For if someone gets too close to her,
the pins stick further in.”
― Tim Burton

It seems the harder I try to find friends, the worse it gets. My ex boss (we'll call her Kathy), is having a rough couple months. This month is the anniversary of her grandson passing away from a car accident. Next month would have been his 25th birthday. I try to be there for her. I told her if she needed anything, I was there. She hasn't answered me.

I tried texting my friend (we'll call her Mary) today. Earlier she said she was sleeping. This was at 4pm. At around 9:30pm I asked if she was up. Then around 5am I asked if she was alright. She's usually up at 3am so I thought I would get some kind of response. I was worried because she saw the psychiatrist today about getting different meds because the one was making her have awful muscle cramps. I think I'm coming off really needy. I see her almost every other day. Sometimes I'll see her a couple days in a row even if it's for just a little bit. I wanted to see her today to see if she's doing alright but she's not answering me. Maybe I upset her. 

Update: She just text me, saying she just woke up. It's not like her to sleep that long which worries me. She's got insomnia even worse than me. I want to see her but I doubt she'll be up to it. I just really need someone to be around right now and hubby is asleep. He'll be back up at 2pm, get ready for work and leave. I won't really see him. I know I won't be able to go to sleep until after he leaves. 

I don't really know what to do. Nothing is distracting enough for me right now. This sucks.

Failure Again

I've failed again. I finally got a job. I was selling newspaper subscriptions in front of stores. It was ok at first. I thought it would help me get used to being around people again. Not so much. It made my anxiety much worse. It wasn't so much the people not wanting to subscribe, that is understandable, it was more about the people who ignored me or who would say "No" angrily as I said hello.

From there, things got worse. I had a couple days of good sales, but as my anxiety got worse so did my sales. Plus I was at awful locations. Seriously who is going to buy a $12.50 newspaper subscription outside a dollar store? Finally I had two days in a row where I had no sales at all. Both days I got heat exhaustion and ended up getting sick. I asked my boss how many days of no sales before I would get fired. He told me not to worry and that he would work with me to figure out why I wasn't getting sales.

Then I had an appointment with a new psychiatrist. He put me on an anticonvulsant. I should have been put on at least an antidepressant or antipsychotic to deal with the bipolar. But no, he knew better. I told him my anxiety meds weren't working at all and I was taking too much just to help a little. He still wanted to keep me on it. Next time I see him, I'm going to chuck the bottle of meds at him because nothing is working. I feel like utter crap.

After the meeting with the psychiatrist, I talked to my friends and my husband. I've been so stressed that I'm making myself sick. Finally I decided to quit. I did it via text message. He was really understanding. I had to admit to him that the "doctor" appointments I had were actually psych appointments. He said he hopes I get well soon.

I lasted 16 days this time....

I met up with my boss the other day and brought him back his stuff. He was really nice about everything. I guess he's used to people leaving like that. Sad part is it'll take 2 months before I get my paychecks. They hold them in case the person cancels their subscription before the initial month. Luckily that's when the hubby is going to basic so I'll have some money coming in.

A little disappointed

I made sure my hubby knew that we had a bit of extra money because his check was double what we planned for. I was hoping we would do something special or that he would get me something tiny like a fake flower or something. It was just like every other day. I should back track a bit. His birthday is at the end of this month. Since we didn't have money he said he wanted a joint Valentine's/Birthday gift. That gift was something in World of Warcraft that I had to work really hard to get for him but I did it because I wanted to get him something he really wanted. He was really happy so I was glad. Back to my point. I sent him to the store to get some cat and dog food, kind of hoping he would pick up candy or wine or something for me. He came home with the cat and dog food and beer. I had cleaned the house, did dishes, taken out the trash. He never said thank you. I don't always need to hear that and I know I sound like a B**** but it's Valentine's Day. I wanted something, anything. He cooked dinner, which is normal because I'm an awful cook. It was a simple shake and bake with corn. I thanked him for it. It took me saying Happy Valentine's Day to him for him to even really remember it was that day. It marks us being married for 4 1/2 years exactly. He isn't going to be home for our 5 year anniversary because he'll be in Basic training. He's also going to miss my birthday because of AIT. I just wanted something special, even a little 'thank you' for cleaning up the mess he refuses to acknowledge. I'm sorry. I know I sound selfish but I just want some reciprocation of the appreciation. So, tomorrow I'm going to go get myself something to cheer me up. I can't go up to Bald Rock because the road is closed so no picture taking. Maybe I'll just go get some stupid yarn and knit my emotions away. Heck I'll go do that now since he's watching his tv show that I really can't get into though I've tried. I swear I'm putting out the effort to spend as much time together. I just feel like he doesn't even care. I just get lectured about being careful with money, though I'm the one in charge of all of the finances. Gah, I'm just making myself feel worse. Anyway. Happy Valentine's Day to the few of you that read this.

So I had a bit of a breakdown today

We're short on money. Like really short. My hubby isn't getting loads because of the snow so there's no money coming in. That's not stopping us from having bills. The snow is also causing our gas bill to skyrocket because this house isn't properly insulated. Another problem is we don't have the money to insulate it to cut down the gas bill. I can't find a job either. I was going to hand out my resume to a couple places today but everything was shutting down due to "eminent weather". My father-in-law then had to lecture us about how to make a budget and that we should go see a financial adviser. At least he admitted that he really had no place lecturing us because he's almost as bad as us, he just has money in savings accounts and we never have the chance to add to ours. I'm smoking too much again. It's almost a pack a day. I know it does nothing for me but I like to imagine the nicotine helps a little. Oh well. Guess that's the end of this rant.

Bad Mood

I know I shouldn't put super personal stuff out on the internet but I just need to vent. We don't have enough money to cover bills this month. We didn't last month either. We had to ask my father-in-law for $600 last month. To make it worse I just found our garbage bill that is already a month late and it's another $60 that we won't have. My husbands check needs to be at least $600 this week to cover everything and I doubt it will even come close to that. Then the second I woke up, after a night of no sleep because him and the dog hogging the bed, he instantly said we needed to clean the house. So I spent the last hour cleaning the office, dining room, sweeping the kitchen, and cleaning a bit of the living room. I just can't do this anymore. I'm sick of being an adult. I want to go make a fort and cry in it.

Loss

                  Raelynn, Rae to most, sat on her front porch swing listening to the silence of the night. The night was overwhelmingly dark. The moon was full but seemed so far away. The stars were few and far between. The streetlights seemed even dimmer than usual, leaving large and gaping shadows down the road. The darkness let the heartache she had been hiding finally surface. A single tear slid down her cheek as she realized she was truly alone. Her husband was gone. It wasn't just some nightmare to wake up from. She knew that if she walked back into the house and into her bedroom, he wouldn't be there sound asleep like many of her sleepless nights before. He wouldn't be coming home. No one really knew what had actually happened either. This only made it that much harder to accept. The official report said he had a heart attack while driving and crashed his truck. She didn't want to believe it. He was too young to have a heart attack, and he didn't have a history of heart problems. He was in perfect health as far as she knew. The longer she thought about it, the more tears fell. She pulled her sweater tighter around herself, using it as a security blanket. She had never planned for something like this. She hadn't seen herself ever being alone again. When they met, they were inseparable. When she married, she believed it would be her one and only marriage. She saw them having children, raising them, and growing old together. She thought they would pass of old age one shortly after the other, not one leaving so early. She sobbed into her sweater wondering why he had been taken from her, leaving her so alone. Without a plan, she didn't know what to do with herself.

                  The insurance had covered everything and she was unemployed. There were no children or pets to take care of. No family lived near her, not that she really got along with much of her family. Her friends were all states away and she had no plan to return to her hometown. She had nothing there anyway. Any friends she had where she lived had been friends of her late husband. Now those friends had distanced themselves from her. She began to cry even harder, not caring if a neighbor heard. It was unlikely that anyone would hear her at such a late hour. Most of her neighborhood went quiet around 8. It was now a quarter after 1 in the morning. She cried until the tears wouldn't come anymore. She had thought about taking her own life, more than once, but she just couldn't seem to bring herself to do it. Once or twice she had tried to overdose, but she still woke up in the morning only to start crying again. She had no idea what to do.

                  After the funeral, family had given halfhearted offers of support but quickly shut themselves off from her. Some expected her to just get up and move on. She couldn't understand how. Others just offered their condolences and left. When her husband was laid to rest, she felt a part of herself die with him. There was nothing that could fill that void in her heart and soul. When he was alive they had told each other that they would want the other to move on and find someone else to love them, but now that he was gone she couldn't fathom doing so. She was broken, shattered to her core.

                  As her tears subsided, she tried to think of what to do. She didn't want to go to bed, all she dreamed of was him, but her body was exhausted. She thought about sleeping in the living room again, like she had every night since the funeral a week prior, but the couch was starting to get uncomfortable. Plus the clock slowly ticking away the minutes was getting unnerving. Finally, she resigned herself to go and try and sleep in her own bed.

                  The house was quiet other than the ticking of the clock in the living room. She waked over to it and pulled it from the wall. After removing the battery from it, she threw it across the room. Like many times in the last week, her hurt and sadness turned to anger. She didn't know who or what she was mad at but she still felt the anger. She assumed it was just part of the grieving process. At least that's what her counselor had told her. She had been seeing a counselor before her husband's accident, now she was seeing her more often. Her counselor worried that she wasn't grieving properly and that she might try something stupid. Every time she saw her counselor, she put on a facade. She acted like she was healing and getting better, when in all reality she was losing her grip on reality. Her biggest fear was ending up on the 5^th floor of the hospital so she lied and smiled and acted like things were getting better. Still most nights were like this one with her outside smoking or crying, sometimes doing both.

                  When she entered her bedroom, she was surprised. She was expecting the pain and tears to come back but all she felt was a numbness. All of his things had been packed up by his family. Well, by his sister Kate. Kate had seemed to understand how hard this was going to be on her so she took care of it while Rae sat outside smoking. Rae had told Kate what to leave and what to take wherever she wanted. His clothing was gone, along with his books and most small things. The only things left were his ring on a necklace, a pocket watch he had gotten as a anniversary gift, and a hat he had gotten but she had worn more often. As she looked around the room she made a decision. She grabbed two suitcases and put a couple outfits and her more prized possessions in them. She put her notebooks in a tote as well. She put all of these in the trunk of her car. She left out one outfit for the next day and crawled into bed.

                  Seconds passed but it felt like hours. Another clock in the house was ticking, she had forgotten about the one in the kitchen. She tried to ignore it and fall asleep. After several minutes she gave up and took a few sleeping pills, knowing they would just barely help her get to sleep. After 20 minutes the sleeping pills worked their magic and she slid into a deep sleep.

                  It was a familiar scene. She was standing in her living room. Her husband was sitting on the couch wearing a suit as if he was getting ready to go out. She stared at him for a moment before she found her words.

                  “Adam, why did you have to leave me?” Pain filled every word.

                  “I'm so sorry Rae. It was my time. I never wanted to leave you.” She was taken aback by his response. Usually he didn't say anything or he would try to convince her that he hadn't gone anywhere, that he was still there.

                  “What am I supposed to do now?”

                  “You already chose what to do. That's what the bags in the car are for aren't they?” He said knowingly.

                  “But where am I supposed to go? I'm just running. That's the only thing I know to do, just run. But I don't know where to run to, what to do when I get there.” She started crying once again. He beckoned her to sit next to him. Slowly she made her way next to him. He hugged her tight. He felt so real, so solid, nothing like her other dreams.

                  “You'll find your way. You always do. You're stronger than you think you are, love.” He said softly into her hair as he kissed the top of her head.

                  “This isn't how things are supposed to be. We were supposed to grow old together.” She sobbed.

                  “I know, but we don't get to choose when our time is up. Mine was just up sooner than expected.” He explained.

                  “I don't want to go on without you.” She whimpered.

                  “You have to. You have so much more to do with your life. There's big plans for you.”

                  “What do you mean?”

                  “I can't say anymore. Heck, I wasn't even supposed to be able to see you again. Once you cross over, you stop worrying about your loved ones. All sense of time is gone.”

                  “Then why are you here?”

                  “You weren't moving on like you were supposed to. I'm here to give you some closure, to let you know that you have to move on. You have a long and full life ahead of you. You can't dwell on this. It'll only ruin you. I don't want you to do that to yourself. I want you to be happy. Always remember that. I love you and I always will.”

                  “I love you too.”

                  “I have to go sweetheart, and you have to wake up. Be strong, for the both of us.”

                  “Please, don't go.” She begged.

                  “I'm sorry, but I have to. Now go and live your wonderful life.” He faded away and she cried harder.

                  She bolted upright in her bed. Tears stained her cheeks and pillow.

The Urge

She sat, crying alone, in her bedroom. The small bed felt like an ocean swallowing her whole. The emptiness and hurt grew inside her, filling her, crushing her. Her husband slept quietly on the couch in the living room, just a thin wall separating the two. Still, he didn't hear her sobs, her crying out for comfort. She had tried to get him to come to bed, begged him several times. Finally she gave him the ultimatum of either coming to bed or sleeping on the couch. He chose the couch. Her heart sank, wishing he would choose to be near her. She stormed off to her room and sat on the bed. The notebooks in front of her were daunting. At first she had planned to write while he slept, now all inspiration had left her. The numbness gave way to anger. Anger that he would choose the uncomfortable couch. Anger that she would once again be sleeping alone. Anger that she had no one to turn to and confide in. She took medicine hoping it would help. Triple the dose of Klonopin, 4x the dose of her sleeping pill, twice the dose of her antidepressant. She waited for them to kick in but they weren't doing anything for her. Still there was one thing, one bad habit she had tried so hard to avoid, that she could turn to. The blade. It had been almost two months since she had turned to her 'old friend' to make the pain stop. As the pain built, she stopped caring about being clean. She didn't care about the repercussions, the disappointment from her counselor. She needed comfort and that was the only thing she knew to turn to. She found her old box hidden in the back of the closet. All of the necessary tools were there. The blade, the washcloth, the hand sanitizer, the bandages. She paused for a moment, trying to think of anything else to help but there was nothing. She cleaned her skin, then the blade. Slowly she slid the glinting metal across her pale skin. There was a prick of pain but nothing more. No release like many times before. She cleaned the cut, still no pain. She scratched the cut, needing to see the blood, needing something to make her feel alive. Finally a thin line of red appeared. She continued to stretch the skin until more blood came up. It wasn't enough but she cleaned the wound and stopped the bleeding. After putting her tools under the bed, within reach if she should need them again, she went back to the notebooks. Still there was no inspiration, no urge to even try to review and edit her book. Frustratedly, she stormed into her study and lit up a cigarette. Nothing was going to calm this pain and anger.

Creativity

I found a website that has a lot of good writing prompts. I think I'll start writing them every couple days and maybe posting them on here and on my deviantart account. (Ravendarkstar) I think it would help me a lot to give my characters (from the book I'm writing) some more depth and personality. A friend read the first two chapters and he really loved it. I'm excited and nervous to start editing it then sending it off to publishers. I poured my heart and soul into that book and I'm scared of what others will think of it. But as my counselor said, There's nothing to lose from trying. Oh well. Just a little update.

Rough Night

Backstory:


My hubby decided that he wants to join the Army National Guard. He went through MEPS and got cleared. He was going to swear in that day (last Tuesday) but the base shut down from the freak snow storm down here in the south. He's going back Thursday and Friday to get sworn in and sign his contract. He's wanted to do something like this all his life.


Now to explain my title:


I found out tonight that Basic Training is 10 weeks, AIT is another 6 weeks, then he has to go to jump school. I may get lucky and get a week or weekend between Basic and AIT but it's not a guarantee. I haven't been away from him anywhere near that long. Before I went to Michigan State University to be with him, I would see him on the weekends (whether it was him coming home or me going to visit). When he did over the road trucking, The longest he was gone was two weeks. Then he started driving local. That means he got home every night, well except for the one night he ran out of hours and had to stay in a hotel over night. I got used to him being gone for a week then getting 2 days with him before he left again. Now I see him every day. It's going to be rough on me having him gone for 4 months. I'm not sure if I'm really ready for this.

To make it harder, I don't have a job yet and I don't really have friends down here. I still talk to my ex boss once a month or so. When hubby was over the road, I had school to deal with. I just finished my associates degree. I'll graduate May 8 or 9 and I'm worried that I won't have anyone there for me. One friend up in Michigan says she's going to try really hard to come down. My mom didn't say either way and my dad said he would "try his hardest" which equates to "I should come down but I probably won't and come up with some excuse." I won't be able to throw myself into school until August, and that's assuming I get enough scholarships to cover tuition and books.

I'm just feeling so isolated. I'm happy that my hubby is doing what makes him truly happy. I really do. I hate seeing him come home from work in a fowl mood because of the way he's treated. I feel awful that he gets up as early as 1-2am to get going, especially for such crap pay. He's hoping that he'll get a job offer after he finishes Basic and AIT. If he doesn't, he might consider going full active duty. I asked if he wanted to do that. I guess I surprised him because the last time we discussed military, I was 19 and we had just got married. It scared the crap out of me. Now, I'm more concerned with his happiness than my petty fears. I just wish I had a better support network.

I've been crying for about an hour now. I had to take my crying into the study so he can't hear me. He's out cold on the bed with our dog. I don't want to let him see me cry. I don't want to stress him at all if possible. This will be good for us, I just don't know if I've fully grasped what it will all mean. I think this is the first time I've really let myself cry over it all. And I don't even know what I'm crying about.


On a good note:

I've been SI free for 35 days. I counted Jan 1 as my starting over point. It's not that I haven't thought about it, I've just been able to control the urges. I've picked up knitting to keep my hands busy. I'm working on a blanket for all those nights of insomnia that I'll spend out on the porch this summer. I do whatever I can to keep busy. I do stained glass for girls in my group, I made my "group mom" a scarf that I thought was a little short but it fits her perfectly. I'm hoping I can throw myself into knitting and stained glass.


Another thing causing me stress:

My student loans are needing payment because I couldn't take classes this semester. All of the stupid legal jargon is just so frustrating trying to figure it all out. I'm just so done with this crap tonight. My eyes are burning from staring at this computer so long and crying.


Peace out.

Writing

I've started writing again. Sort of. Well it's really late at night and I can't think of anything to do so I just start writing. Somehow everything ends up some kind of fan fiction. I'm trying to steer away from all of that so I can try to get something published. I sort of finished my one book but I want to go through and edit it. I think I need to print it off and have something to write on but it's really long. Like almost 200 pages long. I'll have to find somewhere cheap to have it printed. I guess I should google that. I just am so scared to have it finalized and sent off to publishing companies. I want it published but I'm so afraid of what others will think of it. I guess I shouldn't care and just write for myself and see if anyone likes it. If not, no harm done. Right? I hope so. Tonight I started another piece. It's rather dark so far. I just don't know what direction I want it to go. I want to find writing groups. I tried looking for something on meetup.com but everything is so far away and I'm a little scared of meeting new people. I don't really trust the online communities either. I'm afraid of them plagiarizing my stuff. I don't know what to do. Oh well. Off to look for somewhere to print my book.

The worst thing you can say to a woman who is TTC

The worst thing you can say to a person that is trying to have a child is, "It'll happen when it's meant to happen." It crushes. It stings like a thousand knives in their soul. They don't want to hear that or, "It'll happen in God's time." To me it's rubbish. My husband and I have been trying to have a child on and off for 4 years. There's something wrong with me that's causing us to not get pregnant. I won't go into detail but I'll need to see a doctor if we want to have children.

A week ago I saw a nurse practitioner, at the Mental Health Center. I explained that I had been crying a lot more. She should have understood that with Bipolar disorder, I'm bound to have fits like this. Her instant reaction was to ask if I was pregnant. I told her there was no way I could be. She insisted on me getting a pregnancy test. I went and had lab work done. The next day they faxed her the results but she lost them. I had to wait a week to find out that I'm not. During that week, it got mine and my husbands hopes up. We began hoping for a miracle child. Then the symptoms started. They were all in my head but they felt very real. The negative test result came after over an hour of talking to my nurse practitioner, counselor, and the lab company. I finally found out online on the patient website. I've been having a hard time keeping myself composed ever since.

My counselor was very sympathetic but she said another rubbish phrase, "You've still got time. You're still young." Another phrase that should never be told to a person who is trying to have children. I know she meant well and she sat on the phone with me for a little bit while I cried. She reminded me not to SI even though she knew this would be a bad trigger for me. Luckily I didn't want to let her down so I didn't. I'm still a month clean. Though I have been smoking again because of it.

It's hard for others to understand how devastating these phrases can be. I know it has something to do with me. (Trust me on this. It's part of a personal thing I don't want to mention on a public blog) But people have to realize, these phrases do nothing more than put salt in an already deep wound that another negative result produces. Struggling with infertility is not an easy thing to go through and it's even worse when people assume they know the whole story. They just assume I'm not timing things right. It has nothing to do with that. Trust me.

I don't wish this kind of pain on anyone and I sympathize with all of those couples out there trying to have a child but are having troubles.

It hurts even more when people who don't want children or never wanted children are starting to have them. I have friends, cousins, second cousins and many others around me posting their baby bump pictures on Facebook. I've tried hiding them from my news feed but they still keep popping up. It kills me. All I've ever wanted was to be a mom and now that feels like it has been taken from me. I wish, just once that someone would understand and not say these over used and overly painful phrases in hopes that it will help.

The one thing I can be thankful for is my best friend back home. She has been with me through all of my struggles and she is the one person that has been trying to get my spirits up and has actually offered some valid advice on what to do next. Also, the ladies in my trucking wife group on Facebook have been more than kind in their prayers and positive thoughts. They have been so supportive of me in this really rough time.

Basically I want to say to all those that are having fertility issues, there is hope. There are doctors out there that can help figure out what is wrong and can offer options and treatments to help you along the way. Never give up hope. I know it is hard to have hope when there has been so many let downs, but it can get better. Get a doctors opinion, if that doesn't help, go to another and another until you find a doctor that is willing to sit down and help you figure out what is wrong. I'm just now starting that journey. I pray every night for those that are having difficulties. I wish you all the best and I hope that someday, you find the right doctor to help you along your way to having a happy and healthy baby.

God Bless.

Lost and Low

I feel lost. I'm low. A kind of low that all I want to do is cry. I worked really hard on knitting my first scarf and all I get is, "That's cool. Look Dexter is doing confession". Is it really too much to ask for you to turn away from the television long enough to say, "Good job honey."? I know it's stupid and I know it's a little thing, but it's a big accomplishment for me. I did it all in one day. Yesterday you said my place-mat was good for just starting knitting. Then you told me not to stretch it out. With every compliment, there is something that hurts me. And you don't even realize you're doing it. Never. You think it's constructive criticism, but it doesn't come off like that. It feels like a backhanded compliment. Then you promised to play video games with me since it was the weekend. Another small stupid thing, but it meant a lot to me. You've been glued to the tv since I told you the new season of Dexter was on Netflix. I lost you to the television once again. You did come play video games. I told you that even if you didn't do something with me, I just wanted you in the same room with me. You played for roughly 10 minutes before disappearing. I found you watching tv again. I made a comment about it. You said you assumed I knew since you logged off. I didn't pay attention to you logging off. I paid attention to the fact that you wanted to watch tv more than be in the same room with me. I know I sound pathetic and whiny. I just want my husband around me. I've been SI free for about a month. You haven't noticed. My counselor has. She's the real reason I stopped. I don't want to let her down. She cares enough to ask how I'm doing. You just assume I'll tell you if something goes wrong. I can't because your day is always worse than mine because you're working and I can't find a stupid job. During the week I understand needing time to unwind. I let it go so that I can hopefully have the weekend with you. I'm not that lucky. You'll always need time to unwind. I'll always end up playing alone. When I went to the study to smoke you noticed something was off. You said "I love you" in a way that asked if I was mad. I simply responded with "I love you." Then I walked away. I want you to follow and see what's wrong. I want you to notice the tear stains on my cheek. I want you to hold me and understand that I can have a rough day too. But here I am writing you a letter you'll never read, crying and smoking alone. Oh well. Welcome to 2014, just another year. No new start. No changes. Just the same all over again.

Sorry

I know it's been a long time since I've updated. I really don't think many people (if any) actually read this though. But, if you do happen to stumble upon this, I thank you for reading. Money has been low so I've been working on some online jobs like taking surveys. I'm going to post a few referral links on here just in case someone stumbles upon it and decides to give it a try.



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