Words Fail Me

There's a lot I need to say to some people but the words just won't come out. Or if they do, they come out wrong.

I want my f-i-l to stop judging what I do. I understand he's constantly worried about his son, but I'm human too. I want him to take the time to understand my disorders and realize that I'm not normal. I don't function like other people do. I know that he worries that I'm going to do what his ex-wife did to him but I'm not her. I'm not just going to live off my husband until I find better. I love my husband. I wouldn't do that to him. I also want him to stop trying to keep an eye on me. He has a church that he went to down here for a while before he stopped. He liked it a lot. I found a church that I thought would be nice for me. Now he wants to go to my church with me. I'm glad he's going to start going back, but I want to go somewhere on my own. I don't want to deal with a phone call asking why I didn't go to church one day. I want him to let me figure out what I want to do on my own. I'm not his child. He has never truly accepted me as one of the family.

I want M to stop worrying so much about me. She's getting overbearing. She's taking me grocery shopping today because she doesn't want me going by myself. I'm almost 25 years old. I think I know how to go grocery shopping by myself by now. Also she constantly asks if I've eaten and gives me a mini lecture if I haven't eaten what she thinks I should. She was slightly upset that I didn't tell her I was sick on Wednesday. I'm not going to text her every time I don't feel well. I can handle myself. I need to figure out how to tell her to back off without hurting her feelings because I know no matter what, she'll take it as a personal attack. What it is, is that I'm not in the best of places mentally and I really need time by myself. When I finally accepted that I've got 5 months of living alone, I started to like the idea of not having to let someone know when I decided to take off to Mt. Cheeha at midnight. I feel like she's trying to be my mother and I don't need that. I haven't had my mother be very motherly toward me for quite a while now. M is acting like I'm a small child. I don't need it. I appreciate the thought but, a lot of the time, I just want to be alone. I don't need someone judging when I eat, what I eat, etc. If I don't want to eat for a day, so be it. My choice.

Ok. Now I'm sounding like a spoiled little child. I know this. This is what I mean by the words don't come out right. I get so worked up that I just start ranting. It gets so frustrating. I just want them to understand that I am able to take care of myself. I can handle this just fine. I know that if I get too depressed, I can just walk into the mental health center and talk to someone, or if it's after hours I can call their crisis line. I have resources. I don't want to fully push them away, but I don't want to feel like I'm constantly being watched and criticized. When I stopped worrying about being alone, I started worrying that I'll never be able to be alone.

Manic

So I laid down about 2 hours ago to go to sleep. I was absolutely exhausted. Well, even after 2 Klonopin, I still couldn't sleep. Racing thoughts and all that fun stuff. Wondering if I have bills taken care of, work, weird house settling noises, wondering if I offended my friend M by only going out to dinner with her instead of going over to her house after, worrying about my hubby, etc. Finally, a random thought popped into my head. I had been joking about dying all of my hair the red color that I dyed the shorter hair framing my face. Well, now I'm sitting, waiting for 40 minutes to pass to wash out the hair dye. It was spur of the moment. Hope it turns out as good as it did with the other bits of hair. Not sure how everyone else is going to react though. Everyone told me not to. But this stuff gradually washes out. I figured, what the heck it's my hair why shouldn't I be able to dye it. Here's to hoping it turns out good.

On a side note, I got pictures hung in the house and rearranged the living room so there's more space and it looks more organized. I should have known I was getting manic earlier when I moved all that furniture on my own. Oh well.

I put the letters to my hubby in the mailbox yesterday. I still don't know how often he wants me to write so in one of the letters I asked. I had family members that wanted his address, email me on facebook so I could give it to them. Hopefully all these letters will keep his spirits up. I really do miss him so much. I'm slowly getting used to the freedom of being alone but I would still trade that to have him back home, hogging the bed. It's easier to sleep knowing he's at home.