So I'm angry again

Wishing my father-in-law would just relax for a few minutes. He's freaking out because I don't feel perfect and I ran out of antibiotics today. He keeps talking about going back to the doctor for more or going to the emergency room on sunday if I don't feel better. Seriously? It's just an effing sinus and ear infection. The doctor only gave me that many for a reason. I'm not going to an emergency room just because I still feel a little under the weather. He freaks out over little thing. It's annoying. I want to get out of the house so bad but no. Can't do that. Father-in-law will have a heart attack if I go outside even though it's 70 degrees. Plus I've got nowhere to go. I was trying to get the hubby to go out and do anything and he said yes. But now he's watching tv with his dad. I guess we're going out to eat dinner or something sometime. They didn't tell me when. Just said we were going gout to Brad's BBQ. I'm feeling a bit sick so I hope it's some time soon. Whatever. I'm just going to go hang out outside. I want to enjoy the weather.

Sick of this Crap

Why is it that every time I get frustrated or angry at my dad, I'm "being too harsh" or I "don't have reason to be mad at him". I have EVERY reason to be mad at him. He ignores my birthday. He doesn't help me when I need it. He says he's sending a card with my insurance card in it but I find out that he hasn't even sent it yet. He ignores my questions and says we'll talk about it later. I have all kinds of reasons to hate him or be mad. But no. My father-in-law thinks I'm being too harsh. If he knew all the shit my dad's put me through he'd shut the fuck up and stop telling me how I should treat the horrible excuse for a dad I have. Plus I'm sick. Not just "oh I don't feel the best" kind of sick. Full blown ear infection/ sinus infection, pressure in my head, body aching, can't breathe, coughing up a lung, want to die, kind of sick. I really want this week to be over with. I need time to calm down and I can't seem to get it. I'm just so frustrated and upset. Everything is making me cry.

Still here

I'm back. Christmas was ok. Luckily it wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be. Though I did have to take care of 5 children most of the time. An 8 y/o girl, a 6 y/o boy, a 5 y/o boy, a 3 y/o girl, and a 6 m/o boy. The older kids weren't much trouble but the 3 y/o and 6 m/o were a handful. Mostly because their parent's would just set them in front of me and go somewhere else. It just goes to show that when my husband and I do have kids, I'll know how to handle it. We got to eat Christmas dinner outside.

Christmas Eve service at my brother-in-law's church was ok. When they started singing Christmas carols, my eyes watered up. Luckily they didn't sing Hark the herald angels sing. I would have lost it and started bawling. My husband, his two brothers, one of my sisters-in-law and I played our yearly game of trivial pursuit. It was girls against guys and for the first time, they won. I think it's because it was two against three and the sister-in-law that didn't come was the one that usually knew a lot. For Christmas, my husband and I got a digital picture frame from his dad. I also got some facial cleansers, bath brush, essential oils, and a robe from my sister-in-law. I should be getting a card from my dad this week or next week. Hopefully he's sending some money. We actually each got a $50 check from his mom. It was a surprise. I've got a cold/ear infection/sinus infection. I went to a walk in clinic today and got some meds to help with it. I still feel like crap though. Hopefully things will start clearing up tomorrow. Time to go watch tv or play some video games.

Going away for a little bit

I'm going to be gone for a week or so. I'm traveling down to Florida with my husband and father-in-law on the 22nd. We're visiting some of my husband's family. We'll be down there until at least the 26th. So I probably won't be updating this while we're down there. When I get back I might put up some pictures or something. My depression is a roller coaster and it's taking a toll on my weight. I got up to 163 ish. I'm trying to control it in as healthy of a way as I can. My blood pressure was freaking out a bit too. In just an hour I went from 132/85 to 105/76. I've been packing so I haven't had a chance to get out and exercise. Plus my father-in-law is driving me a bit mad so I've been hiding in our room. I got my school schedule set up and everything for next semester. Intro to spanish, intermediate college algebra, abnormal psych, and intro to sociology. I did pretty awesome this semester. I got a 4.0 gpa. All A's :-)  I'm pretty excited. I sent a text to my mom telling her this. She responded with "Proud of you". That made me happy. I called my dad and told him. He told me I did a good job but I couldn't quite get him to say he was proud of me. He's sending a Christmas card with my insurance card in it soon. I can't wait to see a doctor. There are so many things wrong with me. I can't wait to be back on meds again too. I've been taking a decent amount of pictures lately. I need to sit down and upload a bunch of them to deviantart but I'm being lazy. Maybe after the holidays. Time to go and play some video games to take out some stress.

Down then up then down again

I really hate this holiday season. Everything reminds me of the fact that I won't be seeing my family for Christmas. I mean, yeah I'll be seeing some of my in-laws but I've never gone a Christmas without seeing my mom and dad. Today was ok though. Even with it raining. Zach and I went to a couple antique shops so I could look for old keys. We didn't find any keys but I got him a straight razor like he's been wanting for a while now. I also got a necklace for me. It said it was 14k gold with an opal and several rubies. It looks amazing and I only paid $2.00 for it. I can't believe how good it is. I don't care if it's real or not. It reminds me of my great grandmother. Well, anyways. . . . I'm going to go play some video games. Hopefully it'll cheer me up a little.

Plateau

I think I'm doing ok. We've had the house to ourselves this weekend and it's been pretty nice. I've kept the house clean. We've been having a good time. Getting drunk and playing video games until we got too tired to play anymore. My father-in-law comes home tomorrow. My finals start Monday and I haven't really studied yet. I've got 3/4 of them on Tuesday. I'm a little worried but part of me doesn't care. I'm feeling kind of numb right now. Maybe it's the alcohol, maybe it's the lack of sleep. Either way I'm not feeling much. Which is kind of ok. I don't really like feeling so much all the time. Sometimes I just don't want to feel. But, knowing me, the numb will eventually turn to sadness or anger. Like it did earlier when I found out my mom is in Arizona visiting her boyfriend's family. She didn't have the money to visit me for my 21st birthday but she magically has enough to do this and they're going to Vegas on Monday. I can't figure out why I keep forgiving her then getting mad then forgiving her. It's this vicious cycle that will always end with me being heartbroken and her not giving a shit. I wish I could tell her this stuff but I can't. Even when I don't have the best relationship with her, I still don't want to mess up any chance of fixing it. Though I know deep down, it's never going to be what I hope it will be. I keep setting myself up for these downfalls. I really don't know what to do about it. Whatever. I'm going to go write a random fan fic and hope it makes me feel a little better. Peace.

Losing grip or finally regaining some hold? (triggers for SI)

I found out today that I am still able to bleed. (Nothing relaxes me when I'm having a mental break down like seeing my own blood and for the longest time, I haven't been able to make myself bleed) The amount of release that came with it was amazing. I'm able to slightly see through the fog that's been filling my mind lately. I still don't have a ton of creativity but I wrote two free write things today. I got my Christmas tree up in our room. I started missing my mom while I was putting it up. It's a little reminder of home. I keep fading back and forth between calm and depressed. I'm thinking of just taking my double dose of Nyquil and trying to write some stuff before I go to bed. Tomorrow will start my (hopefully) thorough study schedule. I really need to make sure I finish this semester with really good grades. As of right now, I still have above a 90% in all my classes. If I can keep it that way, I should be good. I'm off to my Nyquil induced creativity. Wish me luck.   ^_^

The Holiday depression is starting.

So the normal depression that comes with the Holidays is starting to sink in. It's starting late this year. Mostly because I don't really know what day it is anymore. It doesn't snow very much down here so I don't really have an obvious indicator like usual. I'm used to the depression starting around the first snow of the winter. It might only snow once this year and it won't be anywhere near what I'm used to. My trigger came today. I was flipping through radio stations on my way home from class. Almost every channel was playing Christmas music. Normally I'm ok with that. But then I drove into town and the main road was decorated with all kinds of Christmas lights. I started thinking about how my mom and I always went and looked at Christmas lights on Christmas eve or a couple days before. I realized that this year we wont. I won't even see her for Christmas. I'll be in Florida visiting my husband's family. I don't even know when I'll be able to see her next. We don't have money or a reliable car and my dad hasn't said anything more about helping us get up there. I can say that I don't mind, but I'm lying. I can fight over and over with my mom over stupid stuff. I can hate her boyfriend and what he puts her through. But at the end of it all, I still miss her. I miss the way things were when we first left my step-dad. I miss my mom. I miss my dad too sometimes, but not nearly as much as I miss my mom. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle the Holidays this year. I'm already more depressed than I have ever been. My cutting is getting more obvious and harder to cover up. (Plus I'm running out of good cover-up) I'm constantly in pain or an emotional wreck. I'm either angry, sad, or completely numb. I don't want people to feel bad for me, I just want people to try and help without being too overbearing about it. I know it's a lot to ask. I cleaned the room today in an attempt to keep my mind occupied. I forgot to eat until a little bit ago when I made some steak fries. I'm thinking about rearranging a corner of the room so I can put up our Christmas tree. It might help but it might make things worse. I don't know. I'll probably set up the main Christmas tree tomorrow afternoon. All I really want to do is cry but I won't know how to explain it to my husband. I think he'll probably understand but I don't want him to get sick of dealing with me when I'm like this. I'm trying so hard to be happy, I really am. I think I'm broken. I just don't know how to be. Any ideas from those that read this would be much appreciated.

Doing a little better

I'm doing a little better. Though I think I might have an ear infection. I'm still at 156lbs ish. I haven't checked by blood pressure in a while. I feel like crap though because I ate 3 pieces of Little Caesars for dinner tonight. I found out that I'll have insurance in January so I'm pretty excited about that. I had a scare last night. My dad called and let me know about the insurance and then he said there was a fire on my mom's road and she didn't answer when he called. So I called her after I talked to my dad. She answered. Turns out it was the house right across the road. I was so relieved when I found out it wasn't her house. The next two weekends, my husband and I get the house to ourselves. Next weekend my father-in-law is going to Illinois to visit his brother. The weekend after, he's going to one of my brothers-in-law. Then the Tuesday after that, we're all going to Florida for Christmas. We've got a pretty busy schedule ahead of us. Well, I'm off to go play Little Big Planet with my husband. We're working on getting all the trophies.