Sorry.

I might not be on for a while. Every now and then I may do a mini update, but that's about it. I'm having a really hard time right now. I minor OD'd two weeks ago (no hospitalization). I'm back into SI habits. I had to call a suicide hotline the other night as well. (the night of the OD). Things are just getting really tough and everyone I know seems to fit into two categories. They  either 1) don't want to bother listening to me  or 2) thinks I'm taking things too far. Either way, I don't have the support system that I need. I've got a psych appointment Jan 7th. It's a struggle just getting up each day. I don't want to be admitted to a hospital (no insurance and no money) but I'm running out of options.

Everyone that says they'll read my work and give suggestions, they're all too busy. One guy friend has finally offered to help, but it breaks my heart that the only person helping is a person I met while playing World of Warcraft. My writing has become my downfall. It's gotten darker again. With my mood, my writing follows. I'm almost to the point of killing off my main character just because I'm angry. I use my writing to help me deal with the real world and now, I barely have that. One person noticed that I wasn't ok (the day after OD) and they were too afraid to ask any further questions other than if I was ok. Just one time I want someone that's active in my life (no offense online friends but I'm not always online so you can't always help) to check and make sure I was ok. My hands alone would show that I'm not.

My husband and I are going down to Florida for a couple days around Christmas. Hopefully that will help a little bit. I doubt it, but it's worth a shot. My little cousin wants to see me and I might as well go, if only for the fact of making sure she's ok and I get a feel for her friends. (She's like a mini me and that worries me. Maybe I can put a little fear into the hearts of her guy friends so they know not to hurt her.)

Whatever. I'm done wasting the time of the few people, if any, who read this. Maybe I'll go write. Maybe I'll just go take my xanax and go into a comatose sleep. Maybe I'll just stare at a wall. Who cares. See ya later. Maybe.

I'm ok. I think

After I made that call to the suicide helpline last night, I felt a little better. She was a young and very helpful young woman. She wasn't the overly nice type (that would have probably made my bpd worse. the want to cling etc.) but she was understanding. She was proud that I knew I needed help and gave me the confidence to go and get that help. If I don't do it on my alone today, I'll set up a day to go in next week. I'm sort of hoping that my ex boss will be able to drive me in. Maybe I'll go in after I go out to lunch today. I'll need to look up the hours.

The lady on the phone made sure that I had something to do other than hurt my self. I told her that I should go to bed or watch tv. She thought that going to bed was a good idea. I tried but I couldn't sleep so I went into a depression chat room that I hadn't been into in a while. I talked to someone for an hour or two. Ironically they had a personality disorder as well. It was extremely helpful. We talked until they needed to go to bed. Then I finally decided to go  to bed. I'm doing . . .ok. . . today. I'm foggy from all of the xanax from last night.

I should go start getting dressed and look up info for calhoun county mental health center. I should also talk to the hubby, I'm not sure how to tell him that I called a suicide hotline though. Oh well, let's build up that energy and get that out there. Better than lying and not saying it at all.

Help

So, I kind of got help tonight. I called a suicide crisis line. A lovely girl around my age talked to me for a little while. She seemed somewhat new, or at least going off a manual of things they need to say. But it was ok. She was really friendly and was supportive. She reinforced the good idea that I knew I needed help and that I didn't actually go through with killing myself. She was proud that I knew I needed help. Just having someone to talk to at midnight was a relief. Hubby was too tired and didn't know what to say. I couldn't call my ex boss (she's early open tomorrow). There really was no one else. (Bff is preggers and I don't want to wake her) The pic of a "friend's" baby sent me over the edge. It broke my heart. Girls who don't want to be moms, aren't ready to be moms, and shouldn't be moms are all getting pregnant and having beautiful children. I'm stuck here wondering if I'll ever be able to have a child of my own. I want to be able to carry my child in my womb for 9 months. I don't care how sick I get. I don't care how fat I'll get. I don't care how huge and painful my chest will get. I just want to be pregnant with my child, carry them to full term, go through that awful birthing process, and just be able to hold my little angel in my arms. My husband and I have both been having these dreams about having children. At first it gave me hope. Now it's like a taunt. I just don't know what to do.

I got on a depression chat room and found someone to talk to me. They had NPD and were surprisingly really nice to me. We talked about the differences in our disorders and were able to connect quite well. They helped me a bit and they said that it was nice talking to me as well. I really should make it a habit to get back on that site. There are some good people to talk to at times.

I'm exhausted. 6mg of Xanax will do that to you. Maybe I can get some sleep. Got lunch with the ex boss lady tomorrow around noon. Maybe I can get her to follow me to the mental health center to at least fill out forms. If someone goes with me, I'm more likely to do something. I just need the cohones to get out there and get help. Oh well. Time to sleep.

HI. ish.

Got a decent amount of things done since the last update. I have half of my SOC paper written so far. I'm hoping to get it done some time later this week. I want to have it done before this weekend. I wrote the paper on the piece of renaissance art piece. She hasn't graded it yet, but I got it turned in. I finished my BUS take home test and turned it in this morning along with my homework. Now I have the chapter 6 take-home test. The teacher told me I had until next Monday to do it and the homework. I read all of the Edgar Allen Poe works and a couple extra ones for class. I still have to do the last two art tests online. One is due this Friday, the other is due next Friday.

The husband and I are thinking about trading houses with my father-in-law. It's looking to be like a lot of work, and I'm very stressed out about it. I'm worried about the money, me possibly getting a job, getting my last two semesters done, and just the whole moving process. I'm finding it very hard to sleep at night. My mind keeps racing. If we did this, it would mean very big changes, and I'm not really sure I'm ready for that. It would be a good thing for all of us, but it would take a lot of work.

I talked to my father-in-law this morning and he's finally going to try and go back to a counselor. I really hope this helps him, he's been acting a little different lately, and it has me worried. He hasn't seemed like himself lately. Even my sister-in-law noticed it when she was up for Thanksgiving.

On the note of having a new job, I had hinted to my husband that maybe I could go to a counselor and finally get my borderline personality disorder diagnosis, and maybe get on Social Security. If I did this, we would be able to better handle the big move if we decided to go with it. I don't really like the idea of being on disability, but I'm not sure if I'd be able to handle having a job right now, especially with my anxiety getting worse.

I guess I'll do my last day of the thankfulness thing.

11.30 I am thankful for my mother who still sends me little gifts, (okay not so little) even though I'm 23.

Oh well, I better get going and do something productive. Sitting around and staring at a screen in front of me is not a good thing right now. The husband got a nifty new headset for the gaming system so I might as well go play call of duty. It's not very productive, but it keeps my mind busy.

Quick update

I really don't have much time to update. I've got two and a half assignments to do today. I talked to my SOC teacher and she's giving me about two weeks to write a paper. Then I have to write a page paper on a renaissance piece of art. Then I need to finish my BUS take home test. After that I should start reading the two/three Edgar Allan Poe works that I told my teacher I would. Then there's the last ART test and then the final for my ART class. (So much fun :(  ) 

I'm going to try to finish this thankful thing until the end of the month. So let's try to catch up.

11.20 I am thankful for my wonderful nieces and nephews.
11.21 I am thankful for my sister in law Sarah and the ability to talk to her and feel like I finally have a sister (and one who wants to listen)
11.22 I am thankful that we were able to get so many of my husband's family together (though we missed his sister and her daughter they were in our prayers)
11.23 I am thankful for my teachers who are being more than accommodating with my anxiety and inability to get things done on time (giving me more time and more opportunities to get things situated)
11.24 I am thankful that I am going to be able to get cards for our family members even if we can't get them gifts.
11.25 I am thankful my husband got to spend some time with his mother while he was stopped at a truck stop for the night.
11.26 I am thankful that my mom still wants to get me and my husband little things for the holidays.
11.27 I am thankful my husband's next check is more than we expected and we can cover next weeks bills.
11.28 I am thankful for my father in law bringing some food over (because he knows I don't really have much and was worried about money.)
11.29 I am thankful my father called last night and we had a good conversation

I actually feel really good right now. Ok. Time to stop procrastinating and start working on these assignments.

Meh.

Just meh. Tired, cold, and frustrated with the cat constantly whining.

Hubby went back on the road yesterday morning at about 10am. I've spent the last two days playing Call Of Duty: Black Ops II and watching Dr. Who. My ex boss got in yesterday and went straight to bed. She said she'd talk to me today but I haven't heard from her. I'll send her a text tomorrow asking when she wants me to drop off her key. My husband's friend's girlfriend was supposed to stop by last night (she's driving from MI to FL) but she stopped early. I completely understand being tired and driving. I'm not mad. I'm just alone feeling.

I'm struggling with my weight again. I gained a LOT of weight when I moved into this house. I just can't seem to lose any of it. So now, I'm going to try and fast a little bit before thanksgiving. In the last two weeks I've dropped about 6 lbs. If I can keep this up, I'll be happy. I'm tired of not fitting into my clothes, I'm tired of always being out of energy, I'm tired of getting winded, and I'm tired of comparing myself to my father in law. I'm going to change this. Starting now.

Time for thankfulness

11.16 I am thankful for the ability to play video games and to be able to afford them.
11.17 I am thankful that my father has not started any drama in quite a while.
11.18 I am thankful for a week off school so I can gather myself before the end of the semester.
11.19 I am thankful for my husband's family that will be joining us on Thanksgiving at my father in laws house.


Sort of cynical at times. I'm trying to work on that. Technically I am thankful for all of that. Yeah. I should find something else to do. I know. Typing up more of my book. Manuscript is 106 pages,  35,787 words.

Somewhat productive

I've been somewhat protective today.

I got most of this weeks ART assignment done. I have to wait for the teacher to email me back because I wasn't able to watch a video online like she wanted. It will download but it won't play so I went on youtube and found a couple other videos of the artist. I started working on the assignment that is due in two weeks. We don't have anything due next week because of the holiday.

I found some sources for my SOC paper. I'm writing about the BTK killer. I have the title page and the works cited page done but I can't quite figure out how to actually start the paper. This is usually for her CJ class and I'm in the SOC class. The assignment asks to use the book to decide which crime theory best fits the person. I can't do this because I'm not in the CJ class and she told me I didn't need my book. The class I'm in is Juvenile Delinquency so I have to somehow tie in his crimes with a juvenile history. I think I'll start off by describing who he was and what he did, then go into his childhood and explain how if things had been noticed and had some kind of action taken when he was little, he may have turned out otherwise. That's the best way I can think of doing it. I have to make it at least 4 pages other than the title and works cited page. I think I can bs that much. His bio alone should take up at least a page and a half.

For my ENG class we need to have read The Legend of Sleepy Hollow and Rip Van Winkle by the week after Thanksgiving. I've already read them both. The teacher gave me a list of things we will be reading when we get back so I can go on and read those when I get bored. Luckily I've already read one of the Poe works. I've probably read most of the other as well.

For my BUS class I really don't have much to do. I can go ahead and read through the chapter and start on the homework but we do it as a class. I've started doing the definitions for the homework. Maybe I'll go and finish those.

I'll continue with my thankfulness thing.

11.14 I am thankful that my husband's job is paying enough to cover the bills we have.
11.15 I am thankful I have the ability to own and drive two cars so I can get to where I need to be.

I'm feeling pretty good right now. The hubby is on his way to Atlanta. This hopefully means he'll be home relatively early or at a decent time tomorrow. I miss him so much.

My ex boss should be coming home some time Sunday night. I tried sweeping out her garage for her but the wind keeps putting new leaves in it. I'm thinking about sweeping her driveway too. I brought her some energy light bulbs since she had quite a few of them out when I was helping her pack last week. I'm trying to think of anything else I can do for her. I feel for her. Her mother passed away on Sunday. I'm trying to do all I can to make it easier when she gets home. She said she was doing ok, but I can't imagine the hurt of losing a parent. No matter how much I say my life would be better without my dad pushing and pulling and making me feel guilty all the time, I don't know how I'd handle him passing. (Though I've thought he was close a couple times.)

Anyways. . . I went from happy to kind of sad. Time to find something else to do. Maybe I'll do some glitter crafts or something. Nothing makes a person smile more than trying to remove a ton of glitter from your hands and hair. :-P

Stomach acid.

Feeling a little sick. Got some stomach acid issue right now. Maybe it's from the stress. My father in law called me yesterday asking when we were planning on telling him 'the news'. I asked him what he was talking about. Evidently people I used to work with are going around congratulating him on being a grandpa again. I'm NOT pregnant. I wish I was, I really do, but I'm NOT. It was a very frustrating conversation trying to tell him that I'm not pregnant. He still doesn't believe me. I even went out and bought some pregnancy tests. I did one yesterday and one this morning. NEGATIVE. It's extremely frustrating right now. I got extremely upset last night while talking on the phone with my husband. And he just let me go to bed crying. I know he was trying to eat and all, but I was crying when we said goodnight. It was exhausting. It's really hard knowing that my friend is pregnant and I'm not. She asked if it was hard talking about it with her. I lied. I said I was ok with it. But I lied because I'm happy for her. I prayed to god, saying that I would willingly be barren for a year if she could keep her next pregnancy. Now she's halfway through a healthy pregnancy. I'm upset that everyone keeps insinuating something about me being pregnant and month after month getting that negative. I was ok for a while, now it's just hard. Let's try to cheer myself up.

11.12 I am thankful that my friend is having a healthy pregnancy.
11.13 I am thankful that I have enough money to eat this week.


I'm starting to feel like I'm stretching it now. This isn't good. Oh well. Time to type up some more of my book.

He's on the road again.

He came home Friday night around 7pm. We went out to dinner then went home. We played video games and were in bed by 10pm. The dog kept fussing and the hubby had the space heater on so I went out and slept on the couch. Didn't get to sleep until 4 then was back up at 8 when hubby got up. Went to the truck to show my father in law it. Then we went out to lunch. We came home and played video games for a little bit. I ordered us some food because we were too lazy to go out and get some. Hubby was zonking out on the couch at 9pm. I tried sleeping in room but once again the dog was fussing and then hubby started snoring. I ended up back on the couch. Got a little more sleep that time. Had to get up at 7 to feed my ex boss's dogs then come home to bring hubby to his truck. Now he's on the road again. I cried. It was hard. Now I'm looking for things to do. I started reading for English. I started researching for my SOC paper. The house is mostly clean. Guess I'll listen to some music then go watch some True Blood.

Let's try to cheer myself up by updating my thankfulness thing.

11.8 I am thankful that my husband got to come home this weekend.
11.9 I am thankful for my SOC teacher understanding my anxiety and letting me write a paper instead of presenting a poster.
11.10  I am thankful for my English teacher for making reading more interesting and also for teaching me how to enhance my memory.
11.11 I am thankful for the guy I once had a class with that now 'guards' me before my English class so the guy that bothers me won't talk to me.



I'm starting to sound pessimistic. I really need some sleep. Maybe I'll be able to take a nap before I have to go back and feed my ex boss's dogs. At least I get to sleep in tomorrow. The college is having a holiday. They're 'celebrating Veteran's Day' on Monday. Weird, but I don't mind because it gives me the ability to sleep and hopefully come up with a better attitude before classes resume.

A good day

Today has been a pretty good day. My father in law came over and finished putting up the trim. Now I have a lot of puttying and painting up ahead of me. But now I don't have to wait on my father in law to come over to finish it. He took me out to lunch too which was nice considering we have to watch our money and my husband is doing a really crappy job at not spending a ton while he's in little rock.

Hopefully tomorrow my husband will find out if he's coming home this weekend. I really hope he is. I'm really starting to miss him. I'll have my up and down days. Luckily I'm learning how to make myself have good days. But I'm also able to distract myself with school right now. If he doesn't come home this weekend, I'll have a bit of free time on my hands. OK a LOT of free time on my hands. Class is cancelled tomorrow. No classes on Fridays. Saturday and Sunday are weekend. No class on Monday for holiday.

But I did talk to my English teacher tonight about going ahead of the class. He's going to email me the new schedule so I can read other things if I get bored. I'm already ahead of the class. And most of the things on  the schedule are something I'm able to find on my kindle for free.

I need to do this weeks art assignment still. I'll do it tomorrow. I'm also going to star figuring out what I want to write my SOC paper on. I'm getting too tired to do it tonight.

On schedule with my thankfulness thingy.

11.7 I am thankful for my father in law and the fact that he helps with the projects around the house that I can't do on my own.

Another slow day.

Today is another slow day. I have class tonight (juvenile delinquency) but I don't  have to show up if I don't want to. I don't particularly want to but I want something to make the day go by.

Last night my power went out. Luckily I had the power out night lights my mother had sent me right before my birthday. I called her to let her know that they worked wonderfully. It was nice talking to her until she asked if I voted. I reminded her that I couldn't because my address was wrong and I hadn't figured out how to fix it. Plus, if I had voted, I would have voted for the person she was against and it would start some kind of argument. She had "jokingly" said that if I voted for who I wanted to, I would be kept out of the will. Some times, I wonder if she was really joking. She now holds strongly to her husband's beliefs. She doesn't have her own anymore. She raised me to believe in doing good for others. Now all she cares about is businesses over people. It's frustrating but it's what she believes. I try my best to just not talk about it.

Luckily I found my books for my English class on my Kindle. I was so excited. I've started reading The Legend of Sleepy Hollow. At least that is helping me pass the time. I'm still not sure if I have my English class tomorrow or not. I guess I should email my teacher and ask.

I have a 'friend' on facebook that is doing a daily post on what she's thankful for. I don't really want to do one on facebook because there are some people that would say something about the things and I just don't have energy to explain myself. So, I'll try to do something on here. I may not update every day, but I'll make sure I catch up when I do post.

11.1 I am thankful for my loving husband and all the things he does for me.
11.2 I am thankful for my wonderful pets and the smiles they bring to my face.
11.3 I am thankful for having my own house that I can afford to own.
11.4 I am thankful for having the ability to pay my bills and heat my house.
11.5 I am thankful for my husband's job allowing me to focus on school.
11.6 I am thankful for my ex-boss and knowing that I can go to her if I need anything.

That actually made me feel a little better. It's a good thing to take inventory of the great and wonderful things you have in your life. I heard it somewhere that for every negative thing you think, you need 7 positive things to counteract. I never really believed that making a list of things that you're thankful for would be easy, or good, but it is. It's relieving.

So, I'm off to look up some more music, then either read more for English or start my SOC paper.

Bored

So bored. Time has been going really slow. I was up before my alarm today (7am). It was kind of nice. I didn't really like being up that early but it was nice not dragging my butt out of bed to rush and get ready for school. Got to class and realized we had a test and if I took it today, I don't have to show up Wednesday. That was kind of awesome. Like usual, I was the first one done. That's never a good feeling. When I got out, it was too early to run any of the errands that I needed to get done. Around 10 I went out, deposited the birthday check from my dad, got stamps, and got a couple snack foods from the dollar store. (Dollar is a very odd word. It took three tries to type it. It still doesn't look right. I really think I'm going mad.) I sprayed the carpet, couch, dog beds, and my bed for fleas. I vacuumed the floor and then cleaned out the vacuum. I was hoping it would be later than it is. I tried writing some more of my book but only got about 2 pages written. At least I filled the gap I was missing (description of a condo). Now I guess I'll go read Rip Van Winkle early for my English class. (Or at least get started reading it.) I really wish it was later. I don't really want to take my English test, but I just want today to be done with. OOO. Maybe I should start doing research for my paper for my SOC class. (The only assignment I have to do.) But I don't know who to do it on. (Some famous criminal and link it to a juvenile aspect.)

I'm ok

For now. My father in a law came over yesterday and helped put up some of the trim. He is supposed to come over today to help finish it but I'm not sure if he will. I "fixed" the patch of ceiling in the kitchen that had been torn when we had a lot of rain a couple months back. By fixed, I mean I glued the pieces back. You can still see that it's torn and broken but at least it isn't hanging down any longer.

I'm finally letting the dog sleep in the bed with me again. I had started making her sleep in her cage in the living room because I was having nightmares and I would wake up swinging. I didn't want to hurt her so I had her sleep somewhere else. After all the weird sounds and strange cologne smells, I decided to let her back into the room at night. I still leave the lava lamp on until I get tired enough to sleep, and I still turn on some relaxing music to help. I'm trying to wean myself from taking xanax to get to sleep. I need it to survive my classes more than to sleep. The zzquil stuff works pretty good when taken in excess.

I'm really bored right now (what's new). I was able to write 12 pages of my book last night. I don't really have the energy to type it all up yet though. I'm at 83 typed pages for my manuscript. I'm not nearly where I want to be with it but it's getting there. I figured it would be best to start with too much detail and be able to cut some of it out, than to not have enough detail and then have to force detail. I've been trying to get people to help me edit or give feedback. One girl loves it and says it's better than twilight. (She's only 15) My husband hasn't gotten past the first page. My ex boss said she would look through it but she hasn't given me her actual email address and she seems pretty overloaded with work. A couple other people from deviantArt said they would help. The only response I get is "It's really good. I wouldn't change a thing." I know I don't take constructive criticism well, but I was thinking at least someone would say something about grammar or anything. There's no way this book is that good that nothing can be changed. Even if there is no grammar errors, I'd like some kind of specific feedback,. like what they liked, what they didn't like. One person said that they were able to connect with the main character and was able to feel what she felt. That's it. I know I'm asking for a lot, but I just want someone to help me through this process. I understand that people are busy but those that volunteer, or even ask if they can help, I need something more than a 'good job'.

Ok. Done ranting. I think. For now. I should just go play some video games. I made meat and potatoes for lunch. It was delicious but now I feel sluggish. Yeah, definitely video game time.

Slope

On the slope downward. During the week I have school work to keep me busy. Then there is the house to clean, bills to pay, class to go to. Now it's Friday and I have a whole weekend alone ahead of me. I feel so low, I can't bring myself to clean (besides there's not much I can do until the hubby get's his mini fridge and microwave in his truck). I'm caught up with school work. I can't focus long enough to read or play a video game. All I feel like doing is crying for no reason.

Yesterday I went to lunch with my ex boss. It was nice being around another human. When I left, after saying hi to some other people, I drove around aimlessly for a while. I kept stopping on the side of the road to take pictures of random things. Luckily no one stopped to try and help me (I had my hazard lights on). I want to go through the pictures but my mind just won't focus.

Now all I want to do is listen to sad music and cry. I know it's not good to listen to sad music when you're sad, but it's all I can seem to do. I don't have anyone else to talk to or hang out with. I don't have the money to go out to the bar. I'm stuck in the house. I can't clean outside because there's a swarm of lady bugs, or whatever they're called, around my house. At least it's warm out..

So, since I don't know what to do, I guess I'll just go lay on the couch and listen to music. Fun day.
:-(

Preparing

Preparing for a long, lonely weekend. Hubby is still in Little Rock for training. I haven't heard from him all day. Yesterday he seemed happy about driving one of the trucks. When I talked to him before bed, he sounded exhausted. Today he becomes an official employee of the company. He will start hands on tarp training tomorrow until some time around next Thursday. I'm not sure what happens then. I don't know if he'll be getting his truck and a load, or just getting a truck and coming home. I truly hope he gets to come home but he isn't really talkative about plans. He'll get on a kick about talking about what he learned or what he's going to do (go to store, do laundry, etc.) but he's awful when it comes to telling me specific details about days and such. I understand he probably doesn't know about next weekend but he should have some idea of when his next training is and how long it will run.

Oh well. I guess I'm going to go back to working on my book. I've typed up 70 pages of my manuscript so far and I've got a couple more to catch up on. My ex-boss agreed to help read over it if she got free time. (She's really busy at work since they're doing all of the pre-Christmas setup stuff.) I'm really intrigued to see what she says about it. I would have my English teacher read it but he doesn't seem the type to like fantasy. Maybe I'll ask him after the test next week.

He did say he would look over the list of quotes I made for our test and email me back letting me know what he thought of them. I really hope he likes them, it may help me if I mess up on the test.


So yeah, I'm drawing this out. I've got nothing really to do. I went to lunch with my ex boss and talked to a couple people that I used to work with. Even after, I still have way too much free time. If I get bored enough, I guess I can go play video games but they just don't sound that appealing. Time to take a xanax and work on my book then.

Gone

The hubby left yesterday morning, much earlier than I had expected. His dad came over around 8 am to pick him up. I wasn't ready. I was under the belief that he would be leaving around 10am not 8. It was  a really sucky thing to have my husband leave the morning after my birthday.

My birthday was good though. I spent the day with the hubby. We went out to lunch at Red Lobster. Then we went and bought a video game. We also got a Bamboo Capture for me so I can edit my photos. My hubby got me some flowers too. Pink Lilies. My mom bought me a kindle. My dad called me around 4 in the afternoon. Then my step mom called around 7. They're sending some money in a card soon. No cards other than that. My father in law gave us $100 so we could go out to a nice dinner.

The house is freezing but I don't really want to put the heat on just in case we don't have the money for it. We really need to insulate the ceiling and get better seals on the doors. Maybe if my dad sends enough, I'll look into new seals or a small room heater that runs off electricity not gas.

Oh well. I'm rambling now. I'm going to go back to watching the Law & Order marathon and writing. Or maybe I'll turn on Interview with the Vampire. (Randomly got the idea from a cologne commercial with Brad Pitt in it.)

So so

Doing ok right now. Just got a 94 on my ART test. Got 100 on my ENG test. Going to get info about my next ENG test tomorrow via email from the teacher. Glad the hubby is home this week but not looking forward to Saturday. He'll be leaving for training and I'm not sure when he'll be back home. I really don't like that. And I don't like that there will be a week without a paycheck. I want to be there for him but I'm getting so exhausted. I just want to be taken care of. I don't want to do all the dishes and clean the house every couple hours. I know it's his week off, but COME ON. Pick up after yourself. I'm not the d&^%ed maid. I don't have the energy to keep up with classes, clean up every night, not take showers/baths every time I want to because the hot water is gone, take full care of the animals like I always do, do dishes 2 or 3 times a day, put down flooring, take a test, write a paper, read two long articles, and try to enjoy my time with him. Why can't he do the dishes or clean while I'm in class? It's not that hard to take a few minutes to clean up what you've done so I don't have to later. My kitchen still has crap EVERYWHERE from his old truck. Now I'm just working myself up into a frustration. Oh well. I'm going to go steal the bathroom while I have a chance and try to relax. It's a funny joke, but I'll try.

Hmmmm

Doing a little better now that the hubby is home. It was a little frustrating when he got home because instantly the house that I had worked so hard  to clean was now a mess. I'm still going through his stuff, putting things away while he watches things on netflix. We played a video game together, and we're going to buy one later this afternoon. (We pre ordered and put money down so it would be a waste if we didn't buy it).

We're going out to lunch/dinner with his father. (Mostly because he won't let us buy lunch.) Then we're sending our dirty clothes over to be washed. I really wish we had a washer and dryer. I've brought that idea up to my father but he hasn't offered help. (I know I shouldn't turn to him for help but he didn't help the first 18 years, he should help at least a little.)

Birthday is getting closer. 6 days. I'm dreading it even more. On a good note, my father-in-law is going to drive the hubby to Arkansas for training at new job so they won't have to leave until later in the day on the 27th. Still means I'll spend the rest of my birthday weekend alone. No one to go out with on Saturday night. No romantic weekend with the hubby.

But I don't blame him. I really don't. He's amazing. Yes, he frustrates me occasionally, but I'm sure I drive him mad a lot. I just blame bad luck. October is just a REALLY unlucky month for me. It always has been. I just wish it would change.

Well anyways, hubby is taking a bath and I need to be checking the financials. Going to lunch soon. Toodles.

Changes, changes, and more changes.

At first I was thinking things were settling out. Then they got worse. Now I'm just barely holding on.

A good online friend went MIA for a little while. Something had happened and she got very depressed. She tried to kill herself. I was extremely worried about her until she got in contact with me through email the other day. (She was reviewing parts of my book for me and I began to worry that something I wrote may have made her relapse.) I'm too afraid to ask so I'll never really know.

School is somewhat going better. I'm beginning to understand things in my English class more and (with the help of xanax) I'm able to participate a little more. Kind of sad that one of the best students in the class (according to my teacher) needs xanax to speak out loud. I was the only one with 100% on the test so he goes to me and one other student to ask what should and shouldn't be on the test. That's kind of funny. Except the other student is my creepy stalker.

Oh yeah, I haven't updated in a while so no one knows about my creepy stalker. Well extremely long story short, a guy got my number from a teacher (she said he could help if I fell behind) and would text me about random class assignments. Well his wife called (didn't say anything) then texted me. After a day (literally from 11am until 7pm) of texting back and forth, I find out the guy has cheated on her before and she was worried that this was another case. I calmed her worries and promised to keep an eye out if he ever took his ring off or started hitting on me hard core.

On to a super fun part. (I don't know how to make text look sarcastic.) The guy won't leave me alone. At first it was little comments about me being hot or beautiful followed by him saying he was just messing with me. Now it's just too much. He's making comments about me wearing low cut shirts and having a nice chest. (Yes I have bigger boobs but my tank tops aren't low cut. You can barely see cleavage.) Then two nights ago he asked if I was going on the jail tour with the class and joked about us hooking up. He kept talking to me before class until a guy friend (from a class a previous semester) came up and started talking to me. Stalker guy got the hint and left. Other guy had said that if I wasn't married, he'd hit on me but he respected my marriage and me enough to not try it. He offered to have a "talk" with stalker guy but I really didn't want any trouble started.

Just because of the "hooking up" comment the other night, I purposely missed the jail tour earlier tonight. I didn't want to deal with it. And luckily he didn't text me like he usually does. Maybe his wife was smart and deleted my number from his phone. Or maybe she checks his phone when he gets home. I don't care what it is that is keeping him from texting me, but I'm glad he's stopped. It was starting to bother my husband as well.

On to the changes with the hubby. Well the company he's working for right now has been a little frustrating. He wasn't getting home early enough and he was having to leave way too early. The loads  weren't paying enough for how far he had to drive. Each check has been less and less. Finally this week, it got to a point where we weren't sure he was going to get home (again). He has been looking into several different companies. There was one company with a dedicated out of Birmingham but they weren't returning his calls. He talked to another and they approved his hiring and told him to let them know whenever he made his final decision. They've been very cool with waiting until he is sure he's going to them.

Well, while he was on the road today, realizing that they weren't giving him enough time to get his load to it's destination, he had a bit of a panic attack. He called me and I had to talk him down until he got somewhere he could stop and breathe. (Kind of rough for a person with panic attacks to talk someone out of one.) When he stopped and calmed down, we talked about it and decided that it would be ok for him to quit today if he was to go off to orientation to the next place the day after my birthday (the 27th of this month).

One thing I didn't think about is the fact that there will be at least one week without a paycheck, one with a very crappy paycheck, and possibly a second week without a check. We now have our cable bill, power bill, mortgage, car payment, homeowners insurance, gas, and loan payment in that time table. Luckily we have $300 in savings in the (likely) event that these last two checks can't cover it all, but we were hoping to go out for the day and night for my birthday.

Oh well, what's another f*&^%d up birthday weekend. I've come to expect something to go wrong. Whether it's parents forgetting, fighting with parents, tornadoes, a death in my husbands family, or just being alone. There's always something. It's an expected inevitability.

So now I'm here at home, alone, with no one to go to. (Husband and father-in-law are in Indiana, ex-boss has to work early, and I have no actual friends down here.) I'm on the computer, crying, trying to distract myself and all I seem to run into is things that are upsetting me more.

I see people on facebook posting family fall pics (we don't have the money and hubby doesn't have the time), or girls are announcing they're pregnant or posting pictures of their babies (doc won't figure out why I'm not getting pregnant). I just, I don't know what to do. I was looking for positive but all I can find is negative. I'm throwing myself an amazing pity party and I'm the only one invited.

That's my rant for the time being. (It's not like anyone reads it anyways.) Hopefully this will help a little bit. Probably not. Now time to do some more research for my book. Like: How many ceiling tiles are in a doctors office or hospital room.

Day 8

Day 8 of being alone. Hubby couldn't make it home this weekend. He's 900 and some odd miles away. He says he'll be home early this weekend, early Thursday, but I doubt it. I was ok at first but now its getting hard. I go from angry to depressed to furious in seconds. I hate it. I just want him home. I went out to lunch with my old boss, trying to get in some social contact. It just made going home worse. I laid on the floor for a half hour, not having the energy to get up. When my husband hadn't called by 11pm, I sent hun a text saying goodnight. I was too upset to talk to him. Now I'm watching Body Of Evidence and once again trying to drink until I either stop feeling hurt or fall asleep. This is getting exhausting.

Sick

I'm sick. Sick of always being the strong one. Sick of covering up all the pain and hurt. Sick of being the one everyone goes to when something goes wrong, but never the one they go to help. I just want for once to be helped. I want someone to see the signs: the red eyes, smeared make up, dark circles around my eyes, stomach pain, hoarseness of my voice. How is it that easy to ignore me? No one seems to ever notice the pain. Either that, or they just don't give a damn. I'm dying inside and just want someone to notice. I'm drowning and all I need is just one person to throw me a life jacket. I just don't know what to do.

I tried to see how much a counselor that specializes in BPD would be without insurance. $160 first visit and $130 every other visit. I can't afford that. Especially when I really need help (meaning I'd like to have a visit at least once a week). So, I'm not sure what to do. I guess I'll call around and see if any will be cheaper or will work with me on payment. I know I need help, and I want help, I just don't know where to find help that I can afford (that will actually help instead of just saying to "stop doing that" or to "get over it")

Time for bed. I guess. At least the xanax induced sleep is a slight release. Well, until I have a nightmare or I forget where I'm at.

Back

So, I'm back from my "vacation" in Michigan. First was my moms wedding. It went great. I got to give her away. I cried when I sat down. Then I spent time in Farmington Hills. Then back to Montague for cousins open house and a friends baby shower. Everything went really well. Except the loneliness. I really started missing my hubby. I hated being so lonely.

My friend was going to get rid of a kitten so she sent it home with me. Hubby was really excited.

Now things are getting rough. I'm so lonely. And its weird being in our house alone. (Well as alone as one can feel with a kitten and puppy). And I'm feeling exhausted. I can't sleep very long. When I do wake up, I'm not sure where I'm at. The first night the ceiling looked like a log cabin. Then last night it looked like millions of bugs were crawling on the ceiling. It's freaking me out.

Oh well. I guess I should finish cleaning house and get ready for bed.

A Load Off My Shoulders

I quit my job today. Well I had put in my two weeks notice two and a half weeks ago, but today was my last day. Surprisingly a couple people were actually sad to see me go. One, I think, almost cried. It was nice having people say they were going to miss me. It was nice to have a couple people hug me too. Especially the ones that surprised me. I'm not a touchy person but it means a lot when I get a true hug from someone. You can always tell an honest hug from an impersonal one. These were all honest and it was really nice. I turned in my discount card after I bought some more of the Vampire perfume (it was on clearance.)

I'm a little worried about the hubby. His truck wouldn't start last night. He might have to go have it looked at. That would mean another weekend alone. I think I'm starting to get used to it. I cried a little when I first heard that he might not be home this weekend. But now I'm ok. I think quitting my job helped release a LOT of stress that I've been holding in.

Now I can finally catch up with my homework in my ECO and MUS classes. I'm almost caught up in ECO. I'm not sure if I'll fully catch up in MUS. One bad class a semester isn't that bad. As long as I pass I'll still keep above a 3.5 gpa. I'm at a 3.8 right now because I messed up a couple classes last term.

Oh and last time I forgot to mention that I got one of my teeth fixed. It had a noticeable cavity and I didn't smile much because of it. My mom paid my dentist so I could get it fixed. It looks just like a regular tooth now. I actually like smiling now. :-) It's strange. I've been so lost, so down, so exhausted. Now I'm feeling better. I'm tired, don't get me wrong. I got up at 5:45 this morning after going to bed at 12:30am. But I don't dread tomorrow. Or next week. Or next month. It's great. I'm not even annoyed with the dog even though she's playing REALLY loudly with a soda bottle. It's funny. I love this.

So, yeah. Little worried about hubby not coming home but still doing good. Time to go play some long missed video games :-)

Falling into tiny pieces and getting scattered in the breeze

This having the hubby gone all the time thing is getting tough. I'm on my Xanax daily just so I don't fuss people at work out, or bust out crying like I did two nights ago. There's always something that bothers me. Last time, his trainer's truck had issues so the hubby was gone for two solid weeks. Now, he told me he'd be home early today. It's almost 7pm and he's still a couple hours away. He gets his own truck next week. Hopefully he'll be able to get home at better times with that. I just can't stand being let down so much. I got the house fully cleaned, rearranged two rooms, looked into paint for the bedroom, paid all the bills, and have been trying to exercise the dog more. I'm still behind in school. I put in my two weeks at work because I can't handle it all. My last day of work is next Friday. My boss said she's going to buy me lunch. I just wish she didn't work so much so we could hang out occasionally. I really need friends down here. I try talking to people in my depression chat room but all I end up doing is helping other people. No one ever offers to hear me out and help me. I tried talking to my mother but she didn't understand it. She unintentionally, or so I hope, patronizes me. She makes me feel like a child because I'm so lonely, depressed, and stressed. I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm allowed to feel %&*#ed up every now and then. Some days, like today, I just want to lay in bed and do absolutely nothing. But I can't. I have a dog that needs to be fed, let in and out, and played with, even if I feel like crying myself into a coma. I've tried telling the hubby these things but he doesn't quite understand to what extent I feel them. He does try to help but most of the time it feels half-hearted. Then when people say something stupid to me, I go off on a rage fit.

For example: One of the managers has an attitude issue with some associates, me included. I was printing signs for work and trying to do something productive since I didn't have any customers and there was nothing for me to do. She asked if I was done with the computer. I told her, "Yeah, I can be if you need it. I'll just finish later." I wasn't angry, I was trying to be extra nice since I knew she was already in a mood. Her response was demanding what I was doing. I explained that I was printing off signs. She then said, "Yeah because it's not like you have anything better to be doing." She was taking her stress out on me. I didn't say anything. I just snatched my signs off the desk next to her and stormed off. She called my boss asking about how to find something and told her that she pissed me off. My boss asked her what she did to me. Then the girl said she heard me crying. I had gone into our Human Resources office and tried to explain why I was upset but ended up crying my eyes out. This manager has been like this to me for months now. She's one of the reasons I'm quitting.

Then today I went to a home improvement store looking for paint. I just wanted to look for a creamy grey color that would go good with a picture I have. It's a thing that says:

Find your true love. Listen to your heart. Be passionate and fearless. Believe in love at first sight. Hold hands. Laugh nervously. Feel butterflies in your stomach. Be spontaneous. Write love letters. Be patient and kind with your words. Cuddle. Run away together.  Learn from each other. Be thoughtful and generous. Make each other laugh. Be romantic and impulsive. Grow old together. Create memories you will tell your grandchildren about. Kiss each other goodnight. Travel often and have adventures. Stay in bed all day. Remember why you fell in love. . . This is your happily ever after.

It's a white background with black boarder, black print except for the word love which is red. I showed the associate what I was working with. He read it and kept ragging on the fact that it had to be written by a woman . . .etc. Then he showed it to another guy. All I wanted was a suggestion of what f^%&ing paint to use. It was frustrating but I didn't say anything. When I get angry or upset like that, I just shut up and fume. When he went to answer the phone, I walked a couple isles away to look at window stuff. He found me and then decided to try and be somewhat professional and sell me some paint. I told him I had to talk to my husband. Then he went off on how my husband could stand that thing being in the bedroom. I wanted to punch him then run away crying. . .

When I got in the car I got a text from the hubby saying he might not get home until at least 9 tonight. So much for coming home early. Now all I want to do is take a crap ton of my Xanax and sleep. My heart aches so much. I can't even cry anymore. I've punched a couple walls, luckily they were stronger than me and only bruised my knuckles.

I've done everything I can to distract myself. Tv, movies, video games, homework, cleaning, washing, chatting. Nothing works. I just want someone to hug me and say I'm feeling normal things and it'll get easier or that they'll be there to help me. That's all I want is some effing support. But of course my husband chose to take a job where he'd never be home once we moved 1000 fucking miles from my family. Sorry about the language. I'm just really really hurt right now.


Ok, so there's my rant. And me letting y'all know I'm still alive. Even though I'm pretty sure no one actually reads this. I guess it's more for me to vent to a pretend someone and hopefully feel better.  Fuck it.

Falling apart

I'm losing it. I don't know how long I can keep up this facade. Husband has been gone since 2/25. In Des Moines doing trucker training. He'll be home Saturday afternoon until Sunday evening. Then training with another driver. He might be gone just during the week or he might be gone for 2 week stretches. I was ok until people started burdening me with their problems. I have my own crap to deal with. I'm not sleeping. I'm not eating. I barely make it to classes. I've lost almost 8 pounds since he left. I'm falling apart. I told my boss about my situation and she said she would give me the weekend off. What does she turn around and do? Schedule me to work Sat and Sun. It's bull. I'm so close to quitting. My father-in-law already quit. If I had some friends down here that understood me, it might not be so hard but I feel so alone. I'm just going to take some xanax and try to sleep. I'll go in to work tomorrow and talk to my boss and maybe the HR person. The HR lady's husband drove trucks for 30 years. She offered to talk if I needed it and I'm thinking about taking her up on that. I just feel so stressed. I need someone to just look me in the eye, say its going to be ok, and hug me. I can't stop crying and all I can do is think about all the crap I need to do for work and school. I just need time to stop for a while so I can catch up. If it keeps hurting like this, I don't know if I'll survive until I get insurance to get mental help. This really sucks.

Extra income

Anyone looking to earn some extra money (it's not much if you do occasionally but if you have extra time you can earn a decent amount), let me know. I've got an account with Toluna (surveys and polls and occasionally testing products), Superpoints (emails and offers), InboxDollars (paid emails and surveys), and SurveySavvy (surveys) among others. If you want to join one of those I'd love to refer you. Just send me a comment on here or email me at jones.ryanne@gmail.com and I'll send you the link to join. I've gotten money from both Toluna and InboxDollars. I haven't been working with SuperPoints very long and I stopped using SurveySavvy when I started school.

I'm doing this since my photos aren't selling and I'm not getting enough hours at work to be able to comfortably pay our bills. Thanks for anyone that wants to join.

Making changes

This year is going to be good.

This year I am going to love myself.

This year I am going to forgive people.

This year I am going to grow up.

This year I am going to start a family.

This year will be good.



The husband and I have finally decided to start trying to have a baby again. A couple weeks ago we started hinting to each other that we wanted one and that we thought we were ready. A friend (back in Michigan) found out she was pregnant the other day. (Completely a surprise, not planned at all) It made me realize that I really think I'm ready. I'm ready to stop smoking and drinking. I'm ready to stop freaking out about everything around me and focus on myself (during pregnancy). I'm ready to stop 'pretending to be an adult' and I'm ready to grow up. I see how much I love seeing other people's children and I love babying my puppy. At first waking up at night to take care of her was tiring. Now I'm used to it.
The only thing I need to work on is finding a good maternity insurance. My step-mother's insurance only covers in Michigan. I'm going to just look at regular insurances and see just how expensive they would be. My husband can still stay on his dad's for a while.
We have a house, we can pay our bills, we're getting close to having our degrees. I'm ready. He says that he wants this more than he's been saying. So now, it's time for me to relax, eat right, get healthy, and start trying. Wish us luck :-)