Went to friends house today. They were waiting outside. I knew what they were going to say before they said it. At first they were reluctant to hug me. I knew I was right.
M* said I was a bit clingy. (She could have told me this before and I would have backed off. My friend B* back in MI and I always hung out together so I thought it was normal). Also when she thought I was going to hurt myself the other week, she kept texting me and calling me to see if I was ok. She brought up how worried I was when they were sick as part of me being clingy. Hypocritical.
She also said that I was a lot younger than them. (They're 58 and I'm 24) D* had to add that she had grandchildren older than me. So evidently I'm only allowed to hang around the morons my own age. I've never gotten along with people my age. I would rather talk to someone who can hold an intelligent conversation, but I guess that's not my choice to make.
M* also commented on my sexuality. She wasn't comfortable with me being Bi (again she could have said something before and I would have never mentioned it.) Also she didn't approve of how hubby and I act in our relationship. (That's none of her damned business. She's never been married.) D* had to add in that when she was married it was just her and her husband. (Just because you don't understand it, it doesn't give you the right to judge on it.)
Finally M* said we just didn't click anymore. That hurt the worst. One day we're fine, the next it's not. I don't know what triggered it and I really don't give a f*** anymore.
I couldn't say anything. I just sat there and listened. I knew it was coming. I had partially prepared myself for this but others said it was probably something else. I knew better. When M* stopped talking I just got up gave them one last hug and started walking away. She said she still cares about me. I said I care about them too. Right now, I really don't.
She promised she would be there for me no matter what. What a joke. She was worried about me relapsing, oops. 119 days down the drain. My therapist will be disappointed but I don't even care. It's the only way I can cope right now. I lost two of my only friends. I tried texting K* my old boss, but she wasn't taking a lunch today so I can't talk to her.
I removed everyone from my old group therapy from facebook so none of them could keep up with me. I don't want any of them going back to M* and telling her how upset I am. I don't quite want to block their phone numbers yet, but I'm close.
I can't cry anymore. I got most of that out last night and as I was driving home today. I still want to cry my eyes out but the tears won't come. I feel so alone and hubby is sound asleep. Video games didn't work, chat room made it worse, I don't know what to do.
Saturday, June 28, 2014
Friday, June 27, 2014
We Need To Talk
The four most frightening words someone can say to you. Well, to me at least. Friend was feeling better today so I saw her for a little bit. She seemed ok but something seemed off. I figured it was just her being exhausted.
She sent me a text a little bit ago asking if hubby was working tonight. I said yes. Her response was "we need to talk to you tomorrow." Meaning her and her roommate/friend. I asked why. She said it would be best if we all talked together. She said she would text me when they were both up so I'll probably have to wait until darn near noon tomorrow to figure out what the heck is going on. I'm worried.
Nothing good has ever come from we need to talk. We need to talk: ______ has passed away. We need to talk: Your dad and I are going to try and get back together (after 16 years). We need to talk: (get's left in basement for over an hour after an argument). We need to talk: We had to put ____ down. We need to talk: I'm tired of having to be a parent to you all the time. We need to talk: You need to move back in with your mother. We need to talk: My friends are starting to comment on our relationship.
This time, I'm really worried. A million things are running through my mind. The one that stands out the most is this; We need to talk: I think it would be best if you didn't rely on coming over here so often.
If that's the case, I've lost all my friends. R* went back home when she was pregnant. K* is barely answering my texts. W* never goes through with plans. A* scares the crap out of me when we're alone. And if this is true M* and D* don't want me around.
You should never tell someone you need to talk with them unless you are ready to do so immediately. She could have said, "Oh just wondering." and "You should come over tomorrow." Now I get to spend the whole fucking night worrying what is going on. It's not like I can sleep. I just got up an hour ago.
I don't want to lose the only friends I can rely on. It'll break my heart. I'm already alone all the time. I know I'm needy and I love visiting them. I worry about them all the time. But I'm always there for them when I can be. I went and got them some groceries and food when they weren't feeling well the other day.
I just don't care anymore. I'm just going to take a crap ton of my Klonopin, smoke some cigarettes and try to forget it all. I've got roughly 14 hours before I'll know anything anyway. Fucking panic attacks.
She sent me a text a little bit ago asking if hubby was working tonight. I said yes. Her response was "we need to talk to you tomorrow." Meaning her and her roommate/friend. I asked why. She said it would be best if we all talked together. She said she would text me when they were both up so I'll probably have to wait until darn near noon tomorrow to figure out what the heck is going on. I'm worried.
Nothing good has ever come from we need to talk. We need to talk: ______ has passed away. We need to talk: Your dad and I are going to try and get back together (after 16 years). We need to talk: (get's left in basement for over an hour after an argument). We need to talk: We had to put ____ down. We need to talk: I'm tired of having to be a parent to you all the time. We need to talk: You need to move back in with your mother. We need to talk: My friends are starting to comment on our relationship.
This time, I'm really worried. A million things are running through my mind. The one that stands out the most is this; We need to talk: I think it would be best if you didn't rely on coming over here so often.
If that's the case, I've lost all my friends. R* went back home when she was pregnant. K* is barely answering my texts. W* never goes through with plans. A* scares the crap out of me when we're alone. And if this is true M* and D* don't want me around.
You should never tell someone you need to talk with them unless you are ready to do so immediately. She could have said, "Oh just wondering." and "You should come over tomorrow." Now I get to spend the whole fucking night worrying what is going on. It's not like I can sleep. I just got up an hour ago.
I don't want to lose the only friends I can rely on. It'll break my heart. I'm already alone all the time. I know I'm needy and I love visiting them. I worry about them all the time. But I'm always there for them when I can be. I went and got them some groceries and food when they weren't feeling well the other day.
I just don't care anymore. I'm just going to take a crap ton of my Klonopin, smoke some cigarettes and try to forget it all. I've got roughly 14 hours before I'll know anything anyway. Fucking panic attacks.
Thursday, June 26, 2014
Too Early
This is just too early. My husband woke me up as he was coming to bed. Now I'm awake. This sucks.
It's going to rain today so I can't mow the front lawn, even though it desperately needs it and the hubby hasn't listened to my advice of going to bed early so he can do it. I already mowed the back lawn.
I guess I could go back up to Mt. Cheeha again since I can take either my car or my father in law's car. I borrowed his car last night, hoping I could see my friend but when she didn't answer I called her friend and was told they were calling it an early night. I text her this morning. She's going back to bed and will let me know when she gets up. I might as well just return my father in laws car so I don't have to deal with him later.
I'll have our car until 2 ish. If I do get to see my friend, however unlikely, I can just have hubby drop me off and pick me up when he gets home. If I do stay there, I'll smoke on the front porch until he gets out. Or I'll call a cab or something. Screw it, she probably doesn't want to see me today either. I'll just return my father in laws car and go to bed. Take some Klonopin and Valium and sleep until I can't sleep anymore.
I'm already in an awful mood. This is not a good start to the day.
It's going to rain today so I can't mow the front lawn, even though it desperately needs it and the hubby hasn't listened to my advice of going to bed early so he can do it. I already mowed the back lawn.
I guess I could go back up to Mt. Cheeha again since I can take either my car or my father in law's car. I borrowed his car last night, hoping I could see my friend but when she didn't answer I called her friend and was told they were calling it an early night. I text her this morning. She's going back to bed and will let me know when she gets up. I might as well just return my father in laws car so I don't have to deal with him later.
I'll have our car until 2 ish. If I do get to see my friend, however unlikely, I can just have hubby drop me off and pick me up when he gets home. If I do stay there, I'll smoke on the front porch until he gets out. Or I'll call a cab or something. Screw it, she probably doesn't want to see me today either. I'll just return my father in laws car and go to bed. Take some Klonopin and Valium and sleep until I can't sleep anymore.
I'm already in an awful mood. This is not a good start to the day.
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Feeling Useless
So, my friend is now ignoring me.
Let me backtrack a little. When she did respond to me she told me she was just tired. I told her I was just worried about the psychiatrist visit and I didn't mean to pester her. she let me know how the appointment went. Luckily it went well. Then we started talking about getting my wisdom teeth taken out.
A couple days ago I told her that I had to have them removed. I told her I couldn't do it until I got insurance (Late August or early September) She suggested I do it next week since my hubby has the week off. I explained that I couldn't afford it. We can barely afford groceries and bills, let alone having 4 wisdom teeth pulled. She explained she didn't want me home alone when I had the procedure done because I would be on pain meds and have to go on a mostly liquid diet. I explained that my father in law could help me out by sticking around during the day or I could stay in his guest room.
Then she told me she was broke and her car broke down yesterday. I asked what happened. She said she was going to take it in and see what's wrong but she couldn't afford to fix whatever it is. I offered to take her out or bring her anything she needed today since I had the car until 2. She just responded with "I am tired and don't care at this moment." I asked if she was alright. She just said tired and stressed and she'd talk to me later. That was 7 hours ago. I was hoping that I could get a ride over there when Zach left.
So a little bit ago I text her other phone (the one she's giving to her roommate) and asked if they were alright. The response was just "Yes". I told her I was just checking because I got worried earlier. No response. I don't know if I've offended them or what.
After the conversation this morning, I went to Mt. Cheeha. I was really low and needed to do something. That's why I wanted to see my friend. I went up there and as I was sitting at the edge of Bald Rock, with the wind whipping through me, I had the worst thoughts imaginable go through my mind. I kept looking below me at the slight drop off. I wondered how far I would have to jump out so that I wouldn't just get hurt. That's all I could think about. The wind was strong, but it was pushing against me. I'd have to get a running start. Then I thought about how my husband wouldn't have the car to get to work and wouldn't know where I was. He'd assume I was at my friend's house and he doesn't know her phone number. Even when I want to end everything, I still think about how it would screw over someone else.
116 days clean from my "habit". I promised my friend I wouldn't. She promised if I ever felt the need, to call her and she'd be there for me. Well now I feel like I'm losing her so why bother keeping my promise? I still want her to be proud of me but I feel like I'm a leech or something bothering her. Who do you call when the only person you have to call, is having a rough time of their own. Suicide lines are for suicidal people. They don't have self-harm hotlines.
I hoped video games would distract me. They didn't. I hoped revising would distract me. It didn't. Maybe posting it all on here, where no one will read it but I'll get it off my chest, will help. But it isn't. I don't know where else to turn. I'm not even tired after being awake for 18 straight hours. I just don't know.
Let me backtrack a little. When she did respond to me she told me she was just tired. I told her I was just worried about the psychiatrist visit and I didn't mean to pester her. she let me know how the appointment went. Luckily it went well. Then we started talking about getting my wisdom teeth taken out.
A couple days ago I told her that I had to have them removed. I told her I couldn't do it until I got insurance (Late August or early September) She suggested I do it next week since my hubby has the week off. I explained that I couldn't afford it. We can barely afford groceries and bills, let alone having 4 wisdom teeth pulled. She explained she didn't want me home alone when I had the procedure done because I would be on pain meds and have to go on a mostly liquid diet. I explained that my father in law could help me out by sticking around during the day or I could stay in his guest room.
Then she told me she was broke and her car broke down yesterday. I asked what happened. She said she was going to take it in and see what's wrong but she couldn't afford to fix whatever it is. I offered to take her out or bring her anything she needed today since I had the car until 2. She just responded with "I am tired and don't care at this moment." I asked if she was alright. She just said tired and stressed and she'd talk to me later. That was 7 hours ago. I was hoping that I could get a ride over there when Zach left.
So a little bit ago I text her other phone (the one she's giving to her roommate) and asked if they were alright. The response was just "Yes". I told her I was just checking because I got worried earlier. No response. I don't know if I've offended them or what.
After the conversation this morning, I went to Mt. Cheeha. I was really low and needed to do something. That's why I wanted to see my friend. I went up there and as I was sitting at the edge of Bald Rock, with the wind whipping through me, I had the worst thoughts imaginable go through my mind. I kept looking below me at the slight drop off. I wondered how far I would have to jump out so that I wouldn't just get hurt. That's all I could think about. The wind was strong, but it was pushing against me. I'd have to get a running start. Then I thought about how my husband wouldn't have the car to get to work and wouldn't know where I was. He'd assume I was at my friend's house and he doesn't know her phone number. Even when I want to end everything, I still think about how it would screw over someone else.
116 days clean from my "habit". I promised my friend I wouldn't. She promised if I ever felt the need, to call her and she'd be there for me. Well now I feel like I'm losing her so why bother keeping my promise? I still want her to be proud of me but I feel like I'm a leech or something bothering her. Who do you call when the only person you have to call, is having a rough time of their own. Suicide lines are for suicidal people. They don't have self-harm hotlines.
I hoped video games would distract me. They didn't. I hoped revising would distract me. It didn't. Maybe posting it all on here, where no one will read it but I'll get it off my chest, will help. But it isn't. I don't know where else to turn. I'm not even tired after being awake for 18 straight hours. I just don't know.
Feeling Ignored
“But she knows she has a curse on
her,
a curse she cannot win.
For if someone gets too close to her,
the pins stick further in.”
― Tim Burton
a curse she cannot win.
For if someone gets too close to her,
the pins stick further in.”
― Tim Burton
It seems the harder I try to find friends, the worse it gets. My ex boss (we'll call her Kathy), is having a rough couple months. This month is the anniversary of her grandson passing away from a car accident. Next month would have been his 25th birthday. I try to be there for her. I told her if she needed anything, I was there. She hasn't answered me.
I tried texting my friend (we'll call her Mary) today. Earlier she said she was sleeping. This was at 4pm. At around 9:30pm I asked if she was up. Then around 5am I asked if she was alright. She's usually up at 3am so I thought I would get some kind of response. I was worried because she saw the psychiatrist today about getting different meds because the one was making her have awful muscle cramps. I think I'm coming off really needy. I see her almost every other day. Sometimes I'll see her a couple days in a row even if it's for just a little bit. I wanted to see her today to see if she's doing alright but she's not answering me. Maybe I upset her.
Update: She just text me, saying she just woke up. It's not like her to sleep that long which worries me. She's got insomnia even worse than me. I want to see her but I doubt she'll be up to it. I just really need someone to be around right now and hubby is asleep. He'll be back up at 2pm, get ready for work and leave. I won't really see him. I know I won't be able to go to sleep until after he leaves.
I don't really know what to do. Nothing is distracting enough for me right now. This sucks.
Saturday, June 21, 2014
Failure Again
I've failed again. I finally got a job. I was selling newspaper subscriptions in front of stores. It was ok at first. I thought it would help me get used to being around people again. Not so much. It made my anxiety much worse. It wasn't so much the people not wanting to subscribe, that is understandable, it was more about the people who ignored me or who would say "No" angrily as I said hello.
From there, things got worse. I had a couple days of good sales, but as my anxiety got worse so did my sales. Plus I was at awful locations. Seriously who is going to buy a $12.50 newspaper subscription outside a dollar store? Finally I had two days in a row where I had no sales at all. Both days I got heat exhaustion and ended up getting sick. I asked my boss how many days of no sales before I would get fired. He told me not to worry and that he would work with me to figure out why I wasn't getting sales.
Then I had an appointment with a new psychiatrist. He put me on an anticonvulsant. I should have been put on at least an antidepressant or antipsychotic to deal with the bipolar. But no, he knew better. I told him my anxiety meds weren't working at all and I was taking too much just to help a little. He still wanted to keep me on it. Next time I see him, I'm going to chuck the bottle of meds at him because nothing is working. I feel like utter crap.
After the meeting with the psychiatrist, I talked to my friends and my husband. I've been so stressed that I'm making myself sick. Finally I decided to quit. I did it via text message. He was really understanding. I had to admit to him that the "doctor" appointments I had were actually psych appointments. He said he hopes I get well soon.
I lasted 16 days this time....
I met up with my boss the other day and brought him back his stuff. He was really nice about everything. I guess he's used to people leaving like that. Sad part is it'll take 2 months before I get my paychecks. They hold them in case the person cancels their subscription before the initial month. Luckily that's when the hubby is going to basic so I'll have some money coming in.
From there, things got worse. I had a couple days of good sales, but as my anxiety got worse so did my sales. Plus I was at awful locations. Seriously who is going to buy a $12.50 newspaper subscription outside a dollar store? Finally I had two days in a row where I had no sales at all. Both days I got heat exhaustion and ended up getting sick. I asked my boss how many days of no sales before I would get fired. He told me not to worry and that he would work with me to figure out why I wasn't getting sales.
Then I had an appointment with a new psychiatrist. He put me on an anticonvulsant. I should have been put on at least an antidepressant or antipsychotic to deal with the bipolar. But no, he knew better. I told him my anxiety meds weren't working at all and I was taking too much just to help a little. He still wanted to keep me on it. Next time I see him, I'm going to chuck the bottle of meds at him because nothing is working. I feel like utter crap.
After the meeting with the psychiatrist, I talked to my friends and my husband. I've been so stressed that I'm making myself sick. Finally I decided to quit. I did it via text message. He was really understanding. I had to admit to him that the "doctor" appointments I had were actually psych appointments. He said he hopes I get well soon.
I lasted 16 days this time....
I met up with my boss the other day and brought him back his stuff. He was really nice about everything. I guess he's used to people leaving like that. Sad part is it'll take 2 months before I get my paychecks. They hold them in case the person cancels their subscription before the initial month. Luckily that's when the hubby is going to basic so I'll have some money coming in.
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