Sorry

Sorry for not updating in a while. I've been rather busy. My last fast didn't work so well and I haven't really tried it since then. I'm too in love with food which is disgusting. I'm back to 157.  :-( No good. We had family over this weekend so I had to eat. Then yesterday was my 21st b-day so I needed food in me so I wouldn't throw up after a drink. I had my second psych appointment at 2pm. I realized that I really don't like my counselor. She's a behavioral psychologist and what I really need is a psychoanalytical psychologist. This one is very focused on the now. She doesn't like talking about the past. It's really frustrating. Well after my appointment, I went home and we went to Jefferson's for food and a drink. I had chicken strips and fries and a drink called a Vegas Bomb. Then we went to Peerless saloon for drinks. I had a Twanger (Crown Royal and Peach-tree schnapps) then a Jager bomb. After that we went to ABC Beverage so I could buy some alcohol and then we went home. My father-in-law didn't want to be out too late. When I got home I was a little tipsy (the Twanger was a double shot) so I made a rum and coke and made some french fries. After some cuddling time with the hubby I fell asleep. My mom actually texted me twice and called once. My dad finally called at what was 8:30pm his time to finally wish me a happy birthday but he didn't want to talk much. Today My father-in-law and I got candy and some decorations for Halloween. Now I'm getting ready to head out to class. I think that's about it.

Excited

My second fast lasted 23 hours. :-) Then I gave in and had a couple chips with dip. :-( But I'm losing weight. Right now I'm 154.8 with my heavy denim jeans on and 153.2 without. That's so awesome. The only downside is I'm really cold, tired, and dizzy a lot now. This fast has been going for 17 hours now. I keep getting this really nasty taste in my mouth though. I've tried drinking soda, then water, then milk. Then I tried brushing my teeth a lot but it kept coming back shortly after. I only got 4 hours of sleep last night so I think I should take a nap before my math class tonight.

Back on track

So my first fast only lasted 14 hours because my father-in-law decided to make dinner WAY too early. So I ate two chicken strips, some corn, and a little bit of mashed potatoes. After class I got weak and had a couple (maybe 8) saltines with butter. It's now been 17 hours since I last ate and I'm actually feeling really good. I learned that the throat spray you use when you've got a sore throat works pretty well at getting rid of my appetite. When I weighed myself earlier I weighed 155.5 with clothes 154.2 without. I got so excited. I finally lost that 5th lb. Let's see if I can keep it off now. I'll be so excited if I can lose another two or three by Tuesday. So now I'm just waiting for class to start. I guess I should go call my dad or something. 

Restarting

Ok so I've failed horribly when it came to my diet. I had family over this weekend and it's hard to explain to the kids why I'm not eating when I'm telling them to eat. So I'm going to try a couple mini fasts. When I say fasts, I mean no actual food but occasionally I'll have an Ensure to keep me going. I'm still at around 157lbs. I hit 155 the other day but it bounced back up. I've gone 12 hours without anything to eat. I'm going to tell my father-in-law that I ate while he was at the store and that I'll grab something when I get home from my night class that way he won't notice that I'm not eating. I just don't want to have to explain to him that it's the only way I can lose weight. He wouldn't understand and he'd probably get overprotective and sit and watch me eat, which would make me want to eat even less. So, only 7 days until my b-day. I'm kind of nervous. I don't know why but I'm just not ready for it. I don't think I've ever dreaded a birthday as much as I'm dreading this one. Ick. Anyways, I'm off to finish my math homework before class tonight.

eh. .

Today was ok. I woke up around 11:30am and started cleaning. We've got family coming over this weekend. One of my brothers-in-law, his wife, and their four kids are coming and staying until monday. I cleaned the bathroom and finally got the bathtub cleaned. I then got the hallway and our bedroom cleaned and vacuumed. I swept out front and then went through my emails. I finally got my check from Toluna so Zach and I put that in the bank and went out for food. That's when things started going bad. I officially hate going out to eat. I mean, I like the whole going out part, it's just the eating part I hate. I don't want Zach getting too worried so I ordered something small. Then I lost control. I had planned on only eating two chicken strips and maybe a couple fries. The chicken strips were bigger than I thought and I ended up eating 3 of them and half my fries. I feel so fat. I'm at 157.0 again. :-( And I was doing so good. So now I'm drowning my sorrows in Watermelon Pucker and sprite. Not the best unless you like stuff that drinks like cranberry juice. (Which I don't). Anyways, enough of my complaining. Time to go play Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 with my husband.

A little frustrated

Why is it that whenever people notice that I'm not eating they ask, "Am I just not making food you like anymore?" Instead of, "Hey is everything ok?" My father-in-law is more worried that I don't like his cooking. He doesn't understand that I don't like eating all the time. I'm not like him. He wonders why he can't lose weight, well it's because he eats all the time. If he'd cut down a bit or at least cut out the junk food he'd start losing weight but what do I know? No one EVER listens to me around here. They always know best. It's not like I have a reasonably good idea ever. GAH! It's so annoying. Today's weight is 156.5 Not too happy about that. I'm going to take my diet pill and see if I can make it until after class tonight without eating.

. . .

I'm trying to write a paper for my English 101 class and I just can't seem to focus. I need a rough draft ready for peer editing in less than 12 hours. I'm not sure what to write so I'm just going to BS it. One problem is that I'm watching the movie  Reviving Ophelia. It hits way too close to home. . . Anyways, Today's weight is 157.0 I feel huge. I ate chicken strips, french fries, 2 hard boiled eggs and a banana nut muffin. Plus I didn't have time to work out because I woke up late and had to go with Zach to the doctor. So, I'm going to go and try to finish this rough draft so I can print it tomorrow.

hmmmm

So the hubby is getting better. He's been sick since Thursday. He had a temp of 102 last night. Now hes below 100 but just barely. I took my Psych test today and got a 90/100 so I've got a 97% in the class. I've got to start writing my rough draft for my English class by Tuesday. I don't know where to start. It's tiring. Today I weighed myself. 156.3 I guess I'm doing ok. I'm losing weight though it's not as quick as I'd like. I've still got 15 days to lose at least 6.4 lbs. If I keep going like I am now, I should be able to get there. Though I keep slipping up and eating too much. :-( It really sucks. I feel so fat. A friend from Michigan might be coming down sometime around or after my birthday. I'm pretty excited. My dad says he's going to try to come down sometime too. Let's see how that works out.

Fat

Not much happened today. I woke up at noon. (I finally got 9 or so hours of sleep) I took my diet pill and started cleaning. I kept cleaning until around 4 or 4:30. Then I took my vitamins. The combination made me sick feeling for a little bit. I threw up a little and started feeling better. I ate an ensure drink (250 calories)  and worked on filling out more surveys. I weighed myself. 157.5 lbs. I feel so fat. To make it worse I ate a can of mini ravioli. (500 calories) I was doing really good until I saw the ravioli. Hopefully I'll do better tomorrow. Maybe just some mashed potatoes for dinner and an ensure drink. I'm also going to try and get out to Walmart to find a better diet/nutrition drink.

Ick

So, I'm not feeling too hot right now. I only got 3 1/2 - 4 1/2 hours of sleep last night and I was only able to work out for a little over 15 minutes today before the water moving around in my stomach started making me sick. I did over 100 crunches though. So that's a plus. I've decided to actually start recording my weight on here so I have it somewhere that isn't going to get lost. Today my average weight is 158lbs. I feel so fat. I'm only 5'3". I shouldn't weigh that much. I haven't eaten yet though so I'm doing good with that. I had an ensure shake this morning and I'll probably have another one tonight. If I can function on just those for a little while, maybe I'll be able to lose the weight faster. I've lost 2lbs in 2 days. Not much but it's better than nothing I guess. I've still got 18 days to lose the last 8lbs that I wanted to lose before my birthday. By Thanksgiving I want to be down to 140 and by new years 130. My final goal is to be down to 110lbs by Valentines day. We'll see how this goes. Tomorrow I'm going to look at other nutrition shakes and see if I can find one like ensure that has less calories. Let's hope so. Time to go write because I can't seem to take a nap.  :-(

Update

Not sure what to say. I'm in a melancholy kind of mood. I got a couple surveys done for my survey websites. I'm hoping to start making some good money soon. My father-in-law is still jobless. We're thinking of looking into buying a car over in Jacksonville. It's like a 2002 or something and it's only $1000.00 I hope we get it because then I can start looking for a job again. I can't look for a job when I know I don't have a car to get to work in. There's only 23 days until my birthday. I'm not really looking forward to it. In fact, I'm actually dreading it. I haven't heard from my parents in a while. My mom answered my email finally but didn't say anything other than she couldn't help me. I haven't heard from my dad in 17 days. I'm learning how to pretend that I'm happy when I'm not and that I'm feeling better when I feel like throwing up. I'm just getting sick of my father-in-law worrying too much about me. Since he lost his job, he's been focusing on me. He doesn't worry about taking care of himself or trying to find a job. He fixates on me. He constantly asks if I'm ok and when I say that I don't feel the best, he pesters me for hours trying to figure out every little detail. Sometimes I just have a bad day. Sometimes I just get sick. Let me be. So now I've just learned to lie better. My diet still isn't working. :-(  Not sure what to do now. I'm trying to work on my photography and writing more but I don't seem to be making any progress. Oh well. Time to go find something to eat. I feel starved.