Sorry

I haven't uploaded anything to deviantart recently. I haven't had the mental strength to. I had a mental break down the other day because my father can be so inconsiderate at times. Now I'm facing an even worse mental break down. Sears holdings corporation announced they are closing anywhere from 100 to 120 different sears and Kmart locations that were doing poorly with customer service and such. I had heard rumors that ours was going to be one of them. I was in denial. I thought it was just rumors from people pissed at sears. Now I'm starting to believe it. We have the lowest rating in district with phone answering. I constantly have customers complain to me about our cashiers being rude. I don't know what we're going to do. I'm going to have to drop my WoW account for sure. Probably get rid of both of our xbox live accounts. We can't really drop much more than that. We don't pay for our car insurance. I'm going to have to get my own plan for a phone next month. It'll be $135 to start but only $35 a month so that would be the equivalent of dropping wow and my xbox live account. I'm going to start searching for another job but I don't know how easy that's going to be. I'm probably going to have to go through a temping agency since the lady I had my English class couldn't find a job and she already has one degree. God please help us. We both work at sears so if they close, we're both screwed. If anyone knows any kind of job or way to make money in the Oxford, Alabama area, PLEASE let me know. Thank you.

dad (aka sperm donor)

OK so I'm having a super rough night. Last night while I was at work my dad called and left a voice-mail. He said to give him a call the next day but it sounded like something was wrong so I called him. He asked if I was at work and I said yes but that I could talk. He said, "Well we can talk tomorrow give me a call when you get up." I called this morning when I got up (1pm a little late since I had to take my sleeping pills to get to sleep) He told me he was on his way to go drink with some guys and that he'd call me later when he got back to the other bar. That was 6 hours ago. It shouldn't bother me so much but he's my dad. He blows me off for anything and everything. He's blown off seeing me (after not seeing me for almost a year!!!!) to play golf (which he plays every f*&^%$# day. Now he's blowing off talking to me to drink with guys he drinks with at least 5 times a week. I thought I got to a point where I didn't care. I thought I got to a point where I understood he's not a father, just a biological parent. I'm not there yet. I just want me to be someone's first priority.

I'm not even my husbands first priority. He had two days off in a row. All he did was watch TV and play video games. Every day off I get, I have to do dishes, clean house, fold laundry, and take care of the puppy. I just want a ME day for once. And I want someone to go out of there way to be nice to me. I bought my husband 4 gifts that he really wanted for Christmas. I went and picked out, and paid for, my gift.

I've been SI free for at least 2 months but now I want to more than ever. Maybe if I do, someone will notice, but then I'll blame it on the dog and they'll believe me. No one wants to see the real hurt or the real pain I'm feeling. They just accept what I pretend to be, but I'm not even a good actress. My lies are  so poorly made and the stories are so full of holes. I barely try, just hoping that someone will take that second to look through and see that something is really wrong and that I'm barely holding on but no one does. No one cares.

I just wish I had a friend down here that I could cry on their shoulder. The only people that I could do that with are in Texas and Michigan. I need someone so bad. I need someone to say it's going to be ok. I need someone to hold me and let me cry until the tears are gone. I have no friends down here. I have people to talk to at work but none of them are close enough for me to cry to. Plus I think they only talk to me because we work together. None of them ever want to hang out after work.

I'm alone in this house for at least another 6 hours. I just don't know what to do. I guess I'll do dishes and laundry like always and pretend that I don't hurt like hell inside because I know if I just sit here something bad will happen or I'll just go through this all over again tomorrow when I get out of work. God, I just wish I had someone to cry to.