Messed up

So after I posted the thing about being SI free, I messed up. Then again two days later. I just can't help it. It calms me down. I keep getting frustrated and stressed and I don't know what to do about it. I think the medicine is helping a little but not enough for me to feel like it's worth it. I want to up the dosage but I don't know how to talk to my doctor. When I do get in to see him, he talks fast and tries to get me out of there as fast as possible. Then he doesn't explain what I can and can't do with the meds. I ended up slightly ODing on my xanax the other night. I'm only supposed to take .5mg for panic attacks. I took 3mg plus my sleeping pill. It was the night I had the fight with the hubby about me not knowing how to let him know I need him to take care of me when I'm sad. I felt like crap and really weak the next day. I slept on the car ride home from my husband's uncle. Then I laid in bed and didn't move for another hour. I'm doing ok now and I haven't taken much since then. Tonight I'm kind of down and not sure what to do. We got new cable so I could always watch movies or something. Or I could play video games since my husband is playing WoW. Well, goodnight those few that read.

Low

Another low. Can't stand it. Still it's only day 3 of my meds. To cheer me up earlier, me and the hubby cleaned out the car. Then he made dinner for us because I didn't want to go by the hot stove after being in the near 90 degree weather. Then for some reason he got in a grumpy mood too and we bickered. Then we just kind of shrugged it off. I want to spend time with him but he's getting sick and he keeps saying he wants his alone time. I try to give it to him but when is the us time? Having him not talk to me about stuff is bothering me too. I just want to cry. The past two nights he's fallen asleep in the living room. I don't even want to wake him up right now. If he doesn't want to bother coming to bed, then he'll sleep in a chair. I don't give a damn. I'm super upset and I don't know what to do. It's so annoying. Still I'm cut free. It's taking more effort than I thought.

On a brighter note. The world hasn't ended. . . yet.

I'm still here. . . I think

Ok. So, I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while. I just can't seem to find the energy to do anything productive.

Last week we went up to Illinois then Michigan. We stayed with my mom a couple nights and it was nice seeing her. I got to see my baby cousin as well. She's absolutely adorable. We saw my hubby's sister and husband and their little girl. When I told her that I had missed her she said, "missed you too." It was so cute. We saw friends while we were up there. I was more excited to see some than others. I fixed things with my old best friend. We hadn't really hung out since she had her little boy. We hung out and it didn't seem like it's been that long. I saw my dad for about an hour. It was odd. He didn't really talk much. It kind of upset me. It was really hard driving back to Illinois.

I've had a bit of a mental break down. I don't know what I want to do with my life and I don't want to end up like my parents. Plus I really miss having people to hang out with and talk to when I'm upset. I've been trying to make friends but they only talk to me online or in class. I can't seem to get people to want to hang out with me outside of school. Plus I've just started my meds again. I think the vitamin d is making my body ache but I'm not sure. I've made it two days so far.

I'm trying to write more and I'm trying to get more pictures done. I still have to go through the ones I took while in Illinois and Michigan. I'm re writing my old book. It's so hard. I've got so much in my head but my hands get tired when writing or typing it all out. And I'm having troubles putting the things in the right order. It's all just jumbled up in my head right now.

I'm still having problems with my father-in-law every now and then. I told him that the first week or two of anti depressants kind of suck and my mood jumps around a lot. So he asked why I even bother with them. I told him because if I don't take them I get suicidal. He was going to say something but then he did his usual "I'm just going to shut my mouth" thing. It annoys the hell out of me. I don't think he realizes how much it hurts to have him minimalise my problems. He says I need help but then when I try to do something he doesn't get it. Just because you don't understand why, it doesn't make it any less real. It's frustrating.

I've gone about a week without hurting myself. It's not that I haven't thought about it, I think about it daily, it's just I've been trying my hardest to keep it to a minimum.

Anyways. . . Yeah. I guess that's about it.