Down down down

Can't stop crying. Everything is upsetting me and there's no rhyme or reason to it. Put in 4 hours at work this morning, putting in another 3 or so later tonight. Then I work at least 32 hours next week. I don't think my boss is coming back because I had to create the schedule and my district manager said he was going to get working on hiring someone to help me out.

I think something at work made me sick. My stomach is killing me. I keep getting headaches and more often than not, I have dizzy spells where I can barely walk. These spells last for much too long. Sometimes they last hours. It's awful. My temperature is only 98.0 though. I just want to have a week or two to catch up on all the sleep I've been losing.

I'm going to talk to my counselor on Friday. I don't know if I can do this. I want to bring in money, but I feel like crying every time I have to get up to work. I just want it all to stop. Today while working, I honestly considered asking my counselor if there was a way to "get away" for a couple days without spending a fortune. I just ... I don't know. I need help.

UGGH

Called in to work yesterday, then had today off. Turns out my boss's boss called and left a voicemail this morning while I was sleeping. I was so doped up on my meds that I didn't hear the phone ring or the notification for my voicemail. I finally woke up when I heard the text message sound. The text said:

Checking on you. How are things going? Tried calling no answer. Please let me know.

I called him back and explained that I was sick yesterday and today was my day off. He asked when I could come back to work. I explained I could come back tomorrow. I didn't know how to handle his tone. I don't know if he was angry, upset, bored, or whatever. I know I'm risking my job by "getting sick" so much. I just don't care. I'm dropping lower. I stopped the meds. They were bothering me. I'm only on the anxiety pills again. 

I called the mental health center to schedule an earlier appointment but it went to voicemail. This is really getting on my nerves. I'm hitting an anger and depressed spot at the same time. Not fun.

The cat is scheduled to get neutered on Monday. Hopefully I'll have the time to bring him in. If not, I'll have my father in law do it. It needs to be done. He peed in one of my good shoes yesterday. Now I've got all of our shoes in the bathtub soaking in spot cleaner and animal odor remover. ..... 

I'm so tired... of everything. I want to punch something or cry but I can't do anything. I'll just pick my husband up at the truck and act like I'm fine. Sometimes I think I should have been an actress. Everyone believes my masks. .......

Regressing

I feeling like I'm regressing. I'm back on my medicine, but I don't feel like they're doing anything. My moods are back to the same, if not worse than, before the medicine. I'm hitting extreme lows and my anger bursts are getting almost unbearable. Everything is upsetting me.

I called into work today because I felt awful. I couldn't pull myself out of bed. I wanted to just sleep and sleep. I took extra medicine to get some more sleep. I think I fell asleep around 9pm ish. I didn't wake up until 2pm. I still felt like I didn't get any sleep but the room was too bright so I couldn't sleep anymore. I feel bad calling into work because they really appreciate me and they say that they really need the help right now. (I clean a department store and the only other person I work with, my boss, is in the hospital for heart issues.) I just can't seem to bring myself to do the same thing over and over every day. I just want it all to stop. I hate it. I keep telling everyone that I love the job and I'm so happy to have it, but I'm just making people get out of my business a little bit.

I'm finding it hard to eat again as well. I feel ill a lot more now. I keep feeling like I'm going to throw up. My head hurts more often than not. Excedrin isn't helping anymore.

I just don't know what to do. I'm screaming for help but I'm screaming into a pillow. No one can hear me. I really don't know what to do. My meeting with counselor isn't until the 28th. I'm going to call tomorrow and see if I can get into see her earlier. It's just getting to be too much. God help me.

Road to getting better.

Step 1: Realize you need help. (Done)

Step 2: Make a plan to get help. (Done)

Step 3: Go to first meeting of help. (Done)

Step 4: Be honest. (Really hard, but Done)

Step 5: Go back to next meeting of help. (Jan 30th.)


Results so far: Possible signs of Borderline Personality Disorder but too early to tell.
Generalized categories: Bipolar cluster and Anxiety cluster.

I can do this. I'm ok right now. I was honest, even though that put me in more of a risk of forced hospitalization (If the suicidal thoughts comes back, which sadly they do a lot), but I want to get better. I'm going to lunch with my ex boss on Wednesday before my classes start for the semester. Got everything but my books for the classes. I'm going to go play Skyrim now just so I can keep the positive outlook going.