Sorry

I haven't uploaded anything to deviantart recently. I haven't had the mental strength to. I had a mental break down the other day because my father can be so inconsiderate at times. Now I'm facing an even worse mental break down. Sears holdings corporation announced they are closing anywhere from 100 to 120 different sears and Kmart locations that were doing poorly with customer service and such. I had heard rumors that ours was going to be one of them. I was in denial. I thought it was just rumors from people pissed at sears. Now I'm starting to believe it. We have the lowest rating in district with phone answering. I constantly have customers complain to me about our cashiers being rude. I don't know what we're going to do. I'm going to have to drop my WoW account for sure. Probably get rid of both of our xbox live accounts. We can't really drop much more than that. We don't pay for our car insurance. I'm going to have to get my own plan for a phone next month. It'll be $135 to start but only $35 a month so that would be the equivalent of dropping wow and my xbox live account. I'm going to start searching for another job but I don't know how easy that's going to be. I'm probably going to have to go through a temping agency since the lady I had my English class couldn't find a job and she already has one degree. God please help us. We both work at sears so if they close, we're both screwed. If anyone knows any kind of job or way to make money in the Oxford, Alabama area, PLEASE let me know. Thank you.

dad (aka sperm donor)

OK so I'm having a super rough night. Last night while I was at work my dad called and left a voice-mail. He said to give him a call the next day but it sounded like something was wrong so I called him. He asked if I was at work and I said yes but that I could talk. He said, "Well we can talk tomorrow give me a call when you get up." I called this morning when I got up (1pm a little late since I had to take my sleeping pills to get to sleep) He told me he was on his way to go drink with some guys and that he'd call me later when he got back to the other bar. That was 6 hours ago. It shouldn't bother me so much but he's my dad. He blows me off for anything and everything. He's blown off seeing me (after not seeing me for almost a year!!!!) to play golf (which he plays every f*&^%$# day. Now he's blowing off talking to me to drink with guys he drinks with at least 5 times a week. I thought I got to a point where I didn't care. I thought I got to a point where I understood he's not a father, just a biological parent. I'm not there yet. I just want me to be someone's first priority.

I'm not even my husbands first priority. He had two days off in a row. All he did was watch TV and play video games. Every day off I get, I have to do dishes, clean house, fold laundry, and take care of the puppy. I just want a ME day for once. And I want someone to go out of there way to be nice to me. I bought my husband 4 gifts that he really wanted for Christmas. I went and picked out, and paid for, my gift.

I've been SI free for at least 2 months but now I want to more than ever. Maybe if I do, someone will notice, but then I'll blame it on the dog and they'll believe me. No one wants to see the real hurt or the real pain I'm feeling. They just accept what I pretend to be, but I'm not even a good actress. My lies are  so poorly made and the stories are so full of holes. I barely try, just hoping that someone will take that second to look through and see that something is really wrong and that I'm barely holding on but no one does. No one cares.

I just wish I had a friend down here that I could cry on their shoulder. The only people that I could do that with are in Texas and Michigan. I need someone so bad. I need someone to say it's going to be ok. I need someone to hold me and let me cry until the tears are gone. I have no friends down here. I have people to talk to at work but none of them are close enough for me to cry to. Plus I think they only talk to me because we work together. None of them ever want to hang out after work.

I'm alone in this house for at least another 6 hours. I just don't know what to do. I guess I'll do dishes and laundry like always and pretend that I don't hurt like hell inside because I know if I just sit here something bad will happen or I'll just go through this all over again tomorrow when I get out of work. God, I just wish I had someone to cry to.

Mini Update (full blown rant)

I'm still alive. And frustrated. And exhausted. And every other negative in the world.

Got the house, got the puppy. Both are going pretty good. Puppy wakes up in the middle of the night still sometimes to go potty. Husband doesn't seem to wake up to her loud whining so I end up the one taking her out. It's killing my sleep. I feel absolutely drained today. I had to get up at least 3 times last night to deal with the puppy. I'm going to try and get to bed early tonight. We'll see how that works. Father in law got upset about me going over my texts this month. Well if he wouldn't have cut my texting down, we wouldn't have this problem. I had 1000, but money got tight so it went down to 500. Then without warning he must have changed it to 250 without me knowing. I told him he could cut my minutes (I only use 15-30 a month) but he chooses to cut the one thing I always use. Whatever. And he won't let me pay for it. He just gets pissed. So I was thinking of changing to Virgin Mobile but the husband said we can't afford the switch right now. Oh so we could buy two new video games (MW3 and Skyrim) and he wanted me to buy that tv yesterday ($850) but I can't switch my phone to unlimited everything except minutes ($100 phone and $35 a month). Bull. If he wants it, we find a way to get it. If I want it, I have to fight tooth and nail and guilt trip him into letting me get it. And he wonders why I'm so effing manipulative. It's the only way I get anything. Like the puppy. I only got her because he said he would get me one for my birthday. Then we had to wait for the house. Finally I just went to the shelter and picked one out.

My mom and her fiance surprised us the other day. They showed up at our house at 8 in the morning. They live 13 hours away from us. It was really nice seeing them. I had been having a hard time with the holidays and it helped being able to see my mom. My dad still isn't really talking to me. I talked to him on thanksgiving for 3-4 minutes (A miracle by any means). We went out to Cracker Barrel with some of my husbands family for Thanksgiving. It was nice.

I'm still behind in most of my classes but I think I'll do ok. I have Wednesday and Thursday off of work so I'll be able to work on stuff then hopefully.

I've been pretty sick. Went to doc again for the coughing thing. This time I had a fever too. After coughing stopped, fever stayed. It's slowly going down now. It's been a week. If I don't feel better soon I'll go back. It really sucks.

Ok well I thought this was going to be a mini update but it ended up a huge rant. Oh well. Time to try and do some homework or sleep. Yay.

Birthday and such

I never actually got to post anything about my birthday so here is a condensed update. My mom never called but she said something on Facebook. I guess that is enough now a days. My dad called around 6 ish. My step mom sent me a text around 6:30. I got a card from my grandma and a picture from my mom. (it's a pic of an apple martini thing done by Godard) Other than that I got some comments on Facebook. One friend sent me a text. Hubby said happy birthday and promised a puppy when we get our house. Spent afternoon alone. Co worker came over then when hubby got home we went out for dinner and drinks. He picked the place. I chose the bar. Bartender felt bad or something and gave me 3 free drinks. Came home. Had another co worker come over. Drank and went to bed. Oh and got 100% on a history test. Can't believe I didn't even get a card from my dad. I even gave him one this year. Whatever. I'm just in a pissy and depressed mood lately. I'll update on the funeral some time later. I want to go to bed now.

. . . .

In Illinois. Husband's uncle's funeral tomorrow. Having a hard time. Signing on the house this week hopefully. Driving home Saturday. Really stressed and sad. Birthday was ok.

Sad

So I skipped my English class tonight because I'm not feeling that well and I don't have my paper done. I've been playing WoW instead of being productive. All of a sudden a friend (We'll call him Don) logged on. He's been gone for 3 months. I got really worried about him when he wasn't logging on. I was going to email him but I didn't want to seem like a stalker or anything. Well we talked for a couple minutes and he told me that he was quitting the game for good. He said he wasted 2 years on it and figured it was time to stop. He said something about not making any real friends on there anyways. It made me sad. He was one of those people that me and my husband would have loved to hang out with outside of the game. He told me to keep in touch via email and that he would try too. Now I'm really sad. I don't think he meant the friend comment personally but it kind of hurt. I tried being there for him. I loved talking to him. He knew how to cheer me up when I was having an off day and he said that I cheered him up. And of course, me being the over dramatic person that I am, started thinking about my "real friends". I don't really keep in touch with anyone anymore. I got back in touch with some of the girls back home because of a friend's wedding. Others that I've tried to keep in touch with won't return my messages or texts. Am I really that easy to just give up on? Am I really worth that little as a friend that they don't want to put forth the effort to keep in touch? Some people that I thought would never give up on me, won't even talk to me anymore. One of the guy friends that I really cared about didn't even bother to tell me that he was engaged. Maybe it was because the fiance doesn't like me. I don't know. It just hurts. Now I'm digging myself deeper and deeper into my self pity hole. I've been depressed lately and this isn't really helping me any. I just wish someone would fight to stay friends with me and put forth the effort. I've gone up to Michigan 2-3 times now to visit people but no one has even tried to come see me. I understand that I have more means but people aren't even attempting to make plans. They just say "oh yeah. We'll totally come visit." I call BULL#^&*! It isn't going to happen. I just want people to be honest. If you don't want to come visit, don't give me false hope. Just say you don't want to come visit. We'll stop being friends and I can stop trying to keep a dead relationship alive. . . . . Sorry. I needed to rant. Now I'm going to listen to sad music, cry, and write.

Time

So I've got a little spare time right now. I got done with my history test really early so now I have about 40 minutes before my next class. There is a blood drive in the normal sitting area of this building so I'm sitting in the hall outside my class. There's a girl randomly listening to music on her cell phone and singing. It's kind of annoying. I've done all I can for my biology class and I started my English paper. Technically it's due tonight but I'm going to ask him for more time. I've been feeling really sick and I just haven't had the energy or time to write it. Hopefully he'll understand. Oh well. I might as well try to find a scholarly article before the battery on my iPad dies.

Been Kind of blah lately

I've been kind of blah lately. I'm feeling run down again. I'm tired when I get a decent amount of sleep. I don't have any energy. I've been working pretty hard at work but it doesn't seem to be enough for someone to be grateful. I'm doing my best but still they expect more to be done. I can only work so fast. I'm stressing myself out and making myself sick. School isn't going that great either. I'm doing awful in my biology class because I just don't understand the stuff. I'm skipping more and more classes just so I can catch up on sleep. A friend that lives near us (that I haven't talked to in a couple months) is talking to me again. We're going to try and hang out. The hubby and I finally hung out with some people our age this last weekend. We went to a concert thing called Little Big Jam. It was fun and we went with a coworker. It was fun finally socializing with someone near my age. Right now I'm feeling pretty sick. I haven't eaten much today but what I have, is starting to give me heartburn. Oh joy. I'm probably going to skip school again tomorrow since it's already 2 am and my class is at 9. Hopefully our realtor will figure out a time for us to go look at some houses. There are two of them she told us about that we really want to see inside of. Hubby has tests and work tomorrow but the realtor said I could call the guy that's selling one of them and he'd show me it but I really don't want to go alone. Maybe we'll look at them on Wednesday or this weekend. I still have to figure out what my schedule is. Oh well. Time to try and sleep or at least relax and listen to music. G'night.

Back to work

Got a docs excuse to be off work since Friday. Now I'm going back today. I'm really exhausted still. I threw up last night but slept pretty well. I get to meet my new boss today. Hopefully we'll be able to get the shoe department in working order by thanksgiving. Though I really hope I don't have to work on black Friday. I guess I could always get a doctors note saying that I have panic attacks and it wouldn't be a good idea to be out on that day. Whatever. So I'm back on a crash diet. I'm just going to assume that I'm going to crash. I weigh 170 ish. I'm 5'3". That's way too much. So time to load up on vitamins, water, and exercise. I really want to lose this weight. I just never stick to things because I love food too much. When I get out of work tonight I've got a ton of homework to do. I'm really not looking forward to it. I need to catch up for the week and a half of classes I missed. Time to go. I'm trying really hard to keep this updated.

Sick

So yeah. I'm sick. Like super sick. My doctor said it's only sinusitis right now but it could develop into bronchitis if I'm not careful with the meds. I'm super exhausted but the meds are helping clear me up a little bit. I'm pretty dizzy and tired but I can breathe better and my nose is clearing up. I got two shots in my bum to help with inflammation. I hate shots but I'm really sick so I needed it. My doc gave me a mote so I don't have to go to work until Monday. Hopefully I'll be feeling better by then. at least I'm finally getting days off to sleep and relax. Too bad I have to be sick to get them. oh well. Time to go play video games or something. I can't focus very well. 

Sitting at school ....

Waiting for my bio class to start. I think I might have finally caught up on sleep after sleeping most of yesterday. Not looking forward to next week. My work schedule is messed up. I'm scheduled for 42 hours. I'm only part time at part time pay. I'm also a full time student. I can't comfortably work more than 22. We are getting a manager so things should start working out. Time to go to lab. Peace

Got some spare time . . . Sorta

So I have a minute to update a little. My dad won money. We got a bunch of stuff we've been needing. We are looking at houses. I've been super busy at work. I'm back in school. I'm taking 5 classes so I'm super busy. I'm already looking for a new job, hopefully a secretary job or something like that. My mom is engaged and wants me to do the pictures instead of being in the wedding party. That kind of upset me. My dad promised to visit but didn't. No big surprise there. One friend got married, another is trying to have another baby. I'm stuck in a rut and trying to study before my history test tomorrow. Well that's as much of an update as I can give right now. G'night.

Still here

I'm still here. Just been really absent minded lately. I've been really busy with work and school and visiting Michigan for a wedding this last weekend. I can't believe my friend got married. It was so hard trying not to cry. Especially after seeing her grandfather and mother crying. It was beautiful. Now I'm back to the "real world". Time to study for tests, try to find a new job, get in to the doctor/dentist/therapist. All kinds of fun "Grown up" stuff. First I need to study for a test tomorrow. Then call my doc and dentist. And I have to work tonight. So much fun. Yeah right. Anyways. I'll be working on keeping this updated. We'll see how well I do. lol

Work

I'm still here. Just been really busy with work. I had a closing shift one night where they wanted me to stay as late as I could. I stayed an hour extra. I had an opening shift the next morning. When I got there, The three managers that were there when I left, were still there! They hadn't gone home. One stayed all day that day until 5. Then she took a nap in her car before she drove home (an hour away). Today I only have a 4 hour shift so when I get home I"m going to try and take a nap and catch up on all that sleep I've been missing. I had nightmares last night so I didn't get good sleep. I remembered them for a minute but now I can't remember them. All I know is they scared the crap out of me. Oh. . . My dad sent us some money. He won a decent amount from a stupid $10 scratch off ticket. His stupid gambling finally paid off. So we bought an xbox 360 (ours makes weird noises), an ipad (for the hubby for school), a new purse for me, and some clothes for me. Now I'm off to work. Oh and I finally got my hair all one color. I dyed it brown :-)

Dentist and orientation

I went to the dentist today. I have quite a few cavities. They said they'll call me later to schedule appointments to take care of them. Sadly my dentist is in his mid to late 20s and really good looking. I don't know why, but I'd rather have some older dude messing with my teeth. lol. I'm a strange person I guess.

I've got my orientation at Sears tomorrow. I'm super excited. 4 hours ish so even if they decide that they don't want me or that they didn't hire me in correctly, I'll have made about $30 for just sitting around listening to a woman talk. I got a shirt I can wear if I have to work the next day. I still have to get a couple more. It's unbelievably hard to find a plain blue or black button up shirt. I tried Ross dress for less. Finally I went to sears and found one black shirt.

Anyways. I'm off to write some more. toodles.

Job!

I got a job selling mattresses at Sears! I had my interview today and they hired me in. I'm super excited. Technically I'm hired in as pricing and merchandising but after I get trained, They're going to transfer me to mattresses and I'll get trained for that too. I'm really excited. My father-in-law is at his orientation there right now. Now my husband just needs to get a job. At least we don't have to worry about bills now. I can't wait to start working. I'm looking forward to having the money to get new clothing. We're going out to dinner tonight to celebrate me getting the job. I was going to make goulash but we'll have it tomorrow night. I'm just so thankful that we're starting to get things worked out. I really think that having a job will help with my depression. I really need something to keep me going. This will hopefully work. :-)

Messed up

So after I posted the thing about being SI free, I messed up. Then again two days later. I just can't help it. It calms me down. I keep getting frustrated and stressed and I don't know what to do about it. I think the medicine is helping a little but not enough for me to feel like it's worth it. I want to up the dosage but I don't know how to talk to my doctor. When I do get in to see him, he talks fast and tries to get me out of there as fast as possible. Then he doesn't explain what I can and can't do with the meds. I ended up slightly ODing on my xanax the other night. I'm only supposed to take .5mg for panic attacks. I took 3mg plus my sleeping pill. It was the night I had the fight with the hubby about me not knowing how to let him know I need him to take care of me when I'm sad. I felt like crap and really weak the next day. I slept on the car ride home from my husband's uncle. Then I laid in bed and didn't move for another hour. I'm doing ok now and I haven't taken much since then. Tonight I'm kind of down and not sure what to do. We got new cable so I could always watch movies or something. Or I could play video games since my husband is playing WoW. Well, goodnight those few that read.

Low

Another low. Can't stand it. Still it's only day 3 of my meds. To cheer me up earlier, me and the hubby cleaned out the car. Then he made dinner for us because I didn't want to go by the hot stove after being in the near 90 degree weather. Then for some reason he got in a grumpy mood too and we bickered. Then we just kind of shrugged it off. I want to spend time with him but he's getting sick and he keeps saying he wants his alone time. I try to give it to him but when is the us time? Having him not talk to me about stuff is bothering me too. I just want to cry. The past two nights he's fallen asleep in the living room. I don't even want to wake him up right now. If he doesn't want to bother coming to bed, then he'll sleep in a chair. I don't give a damn. I'm super upset and I don't know what to do. It's so annoying. Still I'm cut free. It's taking more effort than I thought.

On a brighter note. The world hasn't ended. . . yet.

I'm still here. . . I think

Ok. So, I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while. I just can't seem to find the energy to do anything productive.

Last week we went up to Illinois then Michigan. We stayed with my mom a couple nights and it was nice seeing her. I got to see my baby cousin as well. She's absolutely adorable. We saw my hubby's sister and husband and their little girl. When I told her that I had missed her she said, "missed you too." It was so cute. We saw friends while we were up there. I was more excited to see some than others. I fixed things with my old best friend. We hadn't really hung out since she had her little boy. We hung out and it didn't seem like it's been that long. I saw my dad for about an hour. It was odd. He didn't really talk much. It kind of upset me. It was really hard driving back to Illinois.

I've had a bit of a mental break down. I don't know what I want to do with my life and I don't want to end up like my parents. Plus I really miss having people to hang out with and talk to when I'm upset. I've been trying to make friends but they only talk to me online or in class. I can't seem to get people to want to hang out with me outside of school. Plus I've just started my meds again. I think the vitamin d is making my body ache but I'm not sure. I've made it two days so far.

I'm trying to write more and I'm trying to get more pictures done. I still have to go through the ones I took while in Illinois and Michigan. I'm re writing my old book. It's so hard. I've got so much in my head but my hands get tired when writing or typing it all out. And I'm having troubles putting the things in the right order. It's all just jumbled up in my head right now.

I'm still having problems with my father-in-law every now and then. I told him that the first week or two of anti depressants kind of suck and my mood jumps around a lot. So he asked why I even bother with them. I told him because if I don't take them I get suicidal. He was going to say something but then he did his usual "I'm just going to shut my mouth" thing. It annoys the hell out of me. I don't think he realizes how much it hurts to have him minimalise my problems. He says I need help but then when I try to do something he doesn't get it. Just because you don't understand why, it doesn't make it any less real. It's frustrating.

I've gone about a week without hurting myself. It's not that I haven't thought about it, I think about it daily, it's just I've been trying my hardest to keep it to a minimum.

Anyways. . . Yeah. I guess that's about it.

Lucky to be alive

http://www.aolnews.com/2011/04/28/violent-storms-smack-south-kill-at-least-85/?ncid=webmail

Can't believe we survived all the storms last night. Somehow our town didn't get hit by any of the horrible tornadoes that devastated our state. We're fine and so are our family members. I've had people calling, texting, and commenting on my facebook wall making sure we're ok. I was surprised that so many people wanted to make sure we were ok. Now I've been trying to get people in Michigan to let us know when they're available because we're going to visit the 7th-13th ish. We've got places to stay but no one is really saying anything other than they want to see us some time. I hate making plans like this last minute but hopefully I'll be able to relax and enjoy my vacation for once since I won't have any school stuff to worry about. I should be done with finals Thursday morning. Anyways, I just wanted to let the few of you that read this know I'm still alive. Please pray for all of those that were affected by this horrible weather.

F**K

Another fight. Frustrated. Going to cry myself to sleep. Whatever. F**K

Feeling sick

I finally got an appointment with my doctor for tomorrow morning. I can't do this anymore. I'm feeling really sick. I haven't eaten much in the past three days. I've had soda and my polish pickles (corned beef, cream cheese, pickles). That's it. I dropped from 158 to 155. Plus I feel like throwing up. I'm really dizzy and this headache keeps coming back. I'm going to take a shower and try to relax. I just felt like updating this while I had the thought to do so.

:-(

Ok I feel like shit right now. I'm really depressed. Last night I messed up and cut again. A total of 13 marks. I feel horrible about it. Luckily the hubby didn't notice. He's been sweet the past two days. Yesterday he bought me a stuffed animal because I thought it was really soft and I love huskies. (It's the larger TY Classic "Slush") While we were playing WoW, he kept bragging to a friend of ours about how awesome I am and how he's lucky to have me and such. Then this morning he came in as I was waking up with bacon, milk, and a beautiful flower in a glass of water. (Just a side note. He has NEVER brought me breakfast in bed so this was a HUGE surprise.) I love him so much but then I go into these deep holes where I can't see the good. All I see is the emotional pain weighing me down. It's like I'm in an emotional bubble that keeps getting smaller and smaller. I'm suffocating. My panic attacks aren't coming as often but they're getting worse. My insomnia is getting worse too. I didn't go to school all week except for one class. I've been taking anywhere from 1 & 1/2 to 2 & 1/2 xanax to get me to sleep. Last night it was 2 & 1/2. That's 2.5mg plus any alcohol and xanax I had taken earlier in the day. I just don't know what to do. My suicidal thoughts aren't going away. I still don't have any intention on acting on them but I'm getting sick of thinking of every possible way of getting out of this life. It's frustrating. Luckily that's giving me some more inspiration so I've been trying to write more. ravendarkstar.deviantart.com has a new peak at my new work. I kind of like it. I'm trying to develop it more. We'll see where it gets me. Anyways, it's 4:18 am and I don't know what to do. I can't focus on playing WoW anymore so I'll try to write some. I'll take a xanax now and hope it brings me down so I can sleep.

Ick

These headaches are driving me insane. I've been getting them almost daily and they're getting worse. I've decided to stop the Zoloft. I'll make an appt with my doc when my father in law get's back from Illinois. He's heading up there tomorrow morning. (Well technically this morning. Probably quite soon actually) He'll be there until Saturday ish. I like having the house to ourselves. It's nice. Plus I seem to feel more relaxed and lose more weight when we have the house to ourselves. I've been up all night playing World of Warcraft with the hubby. He's getting pretty tired so he's going to head to bed. I think I'll try to get some writing done. I haven't done much in a while but I've been slowly getting some inspiration back. Though sadly it's from the depression. Oh well. Bed soon :-)

Up and Down

Up then Down then Up then Down again. That's how I've been. Sunday I messed up and cut. 5 Small lines. No one but one friend in Michigan knows. Well and you guys. Though I'm not sure how many people actually read this. Not sure anyone really cares. But whatever. I've got a super migraine right now. I've been feeling like vomiting since I ate dinner. Luckily I don't have class tomorrow. But I'm probably going to go to Jacksonville to get stuff situated and get some pictures done. Unless I'm still feeling like crap, then I'm just going to sleep all day. I can't seem to take my meds. I feel like the suicidal thoughts have increased since I started the meds. I'm not really acting on them but I'm thinking about how to do it more. Which is kind of freaky. But whatever. I'm going to take my xanax and hope to get some sleep.

Dying inside

Two years ago today I lost the most amazing woman in the world. My great-grandmother. I know she passed knowing that I was doing well. I know that she is finally free of the pain. I know she is with her husband and my little cousin who would have turned 21 today. Though it's been two years, it still hurts. I still feel like crying every time I think about her. Everything still reminds me of her. Time isn't healing anything. I miss her with all of my being. I ache to be able to finally say goodbye to her. But I'll never get that. I wasn't allowed it two years ago and I'm not allowed it now. I still have nightmares. I need help. No one has been able to help heal this pain. I don't know what will fix it.
All people ever ask is "What will help?" or "What will make it better?" What will make it better would be to see her one last time. What would help would be to know, without a doubt, that she's proud of who I am right now. But I can't have this. There is no way of knowing if she's proud of me.
I'm falling into the dark hole of depression with this day. I can't stand it. I need to do something. I need to get out or go shopping or something. I can't stand staying here and thinking about her. It's breaking my heart.

I'm not ok. . .

Things with the hubby are going good. He's still sleeping. Surgery went god. He was in a bit of pain last night but he slept through the whole night and he's been sleeping for about 12 hours now. At least he isn't in pain. I finally caught up on my sleep. I had gotten sick three nights ago then I only got two hours of sleep in the hotel the night before surgery. When we got home yesterday I slept for a couple hours then I slept through the night pretty well.
While we were in the waiting room I met a really nice woman. She was 78 but acted like she was only 50. It was really nice talking to her. She reminded me a lot of my great-grandma. She had the same liveliness and spirit to her. I talked to her of my grandma and she encouraged me to find some kind of closure. When we eventually go back to Michigan I might try to visit the house. She helped me make it through the wait to see Zach.
I only had to take a half a xanax. Pretty good for how freaked out I was. I almost passed out each time I saw him in the hospital bed. I just have a horrible fear of hospitals.
When I got up from my nap after we got home I felt like crap. Not physically but emotionally. I just wanted to cry. And all I managed were two tears. I felt like if I could just cry I would feel better but it never came. I don't know what to do. It's killing me to not cry. I'm getting deeper and deeper in the hole. I don't know how. They just upped my dosage of Zoloft so I should be feeling better. Shouldn't I? Plus there's more sunlight. These things should be helping. But they're not. I just want to go into oblivion for a while. Just not exist until my body and soul have found some kind of peace. I feel like I'm borrowed time already. Feeling like this just feels. . . . gah it's so hard to explain.
Well I should get going. I should try to clean the room before the hubby gets up.

Sick

So I ended up throwing up this morning. Hubby didn't stop playing WoW until 4something. I got maybe two hour of sleep before my stomach woke me up. I threw up then came back to bed feeling better. An hour or so later, just as I was about to fall asleep again, I needed to get sick again. I did this a couple times. Every time after the first time it was just drainage. Finally around 8:30am I got some saltine crackers and moved into the spare bedroom to sleep. I'm feeling ok now. But now it's time to pack and go to Atlanta. Oh joy. If you pray, pray for my hubby. Thanks.

Drunk

I'm really sorry I haven't posted on here in a while. I guess I've been pretty occupied. My hubby has his surgery on his ear drum on Monday. I'm not looking forward to it. We're going into Atlanta tomorrow and checking into a hotel. I'm really scared for my hubby. I know it's just a simple operation but hospitals scare the living crap out of me. I don't know what it is. I just have a horrible fear of hospitals. Anyways. .  . in order to relax tonight, I started drinking. I've had a lot. I've been playing WoW too. I got my druid to lvl 85. Not like that really means anything to anyone. Well, it was hard. Now I feel accomplished. So. . . Lately I've been feeling like shit. I've not been really feeling anything. I just feel empty. Like I'm not me. Like I'm watching someone else's life flash before my eyes. I want to cry but I can't. I want to feel something more than nothing. I know it doesn't make sense. It's hard to explain. I get the feeling that I need to cry. I'll even get a little sting in my eyes that I used to get before I cried. But nothing comes. No tears. Nothing. Just blah. Last night and tonight I've had a really hard time staying away from sharp objects. But so far I haven't done anything. I'm really proud of myself. I've done well surprisingly enough. The temptation is there. I had to take two xanax last night instead of one. Anyways. I'm up to 1 1/2 pills of my zoloft. My doc said the sun should help me get feeling better. He also said my dizzy episodes may have something to do with hypoglycemic episodes or something like that. He said it might be when my blood sugar drops too low. So far I haven't had a problem since I went to the doc. Anyways. . . I should get to bed. It's 3:30am and I'm not sure when we're going over to Atlanta.

A little better

Things have been going pretty ok lately. Still haven't talked to my parents in a while. My mom called while I was in class on Thursday. I sent her a text saying I was in class. In her voice message she said she'd try the next day but she never did. She commented on my status on facebook so I know she's still alive. I guess all of Michigan is having a pretty awful snow storm right now. I'm so glad I'm down here in Alabama. I would hate to deal with the snow. Zach and I washed the blazer and the van. He's going to vacuum and steam clean the blazer in a little while. We might be getting another car soon. I'm really excited. My brother-in-law is going to be selling his old car and my father-in-law is going to try and buy it from him for us. I'll be so happy. It's a pretty old car but it runs well and it's the type of car I've been looking for. Once we get that, I'll be able to find a job. Once I find a job, I'll be able to contribute to the household. Once I start doing that, my father in law will back off and I'll be able to afford things I want. Things might be looking up but I don't want to jinx it by saying it's a sure thing. That's the last thing I need. I hate having things look like they're going to work out but then fall apart. I've got my fingers crossed though.

Doing a little better

I'm doing a little better today. Yesterday I had a bit of a emotional break at the earlier part of the day. Here's what I posted in a support group forum that I'm part of.

Trigger? Hey all, sorry I haven't been so active. A lot has been going on. My husband and I are back to playing WoW. It keeps my mind occupied most of the time. I'm back on Xanax and Zoloft. I'm also on Maximum D3. They said my vitamin D levels were really low when I went to the doc. I've been taking my meds and my moods have somewhat stabled out. The problem is, I'm not feeling much of anything. Like, I can get happy but then I'll kind of flat line and just feel nothing. I haven't cried since I started these meds. That's not normal. I've felt like crying. Things have made me a little sad. But the tears won't come. I'm glad that I haven't gotten angry though. But I kind of got used to being able to be sad. Now I just feel like I'm existing. Not really going anywhere. I'm not sure if that's good or bad. I haven't been able to write lately and I can't find the energy to work on my photography. I'm losing inspiration. Everything is going grey. There are no bright colors anymore. At least without the Zoloft there were intense colors. Deep blues, Blazing reds, Shining yellows. Now it's only grey. Sorry for the rambling. I'm not even sure what I mean.

A couple people offered words of support but I didn't get much of a response. I'm still not feeling much right now. My father in law turned his phone off earlier so I had to sit outside for about 20 minutes waiting for him to pick me up. Somehow I don't really care. I'm not mad that he neglected to turn his phone on. I'm not sad that I was forgotten and left alone. I just don't care. It worries me slightly. I just don't know what to do. I got my new computer so I'm going to go play some wow before I have to go to Spanish class. 

frustrated

Ok. So we had a "family discussion" today. It consisted of my father in law assuming that my husband and I were just going to loaf around here forever and never pay any bills. He tried to be nice about it but it still infuriated me. We've been trying to get out of here for months now. I told him we were looking at apartments and everything. He said he didn't want us to leave he just wanted us to contribute. So he doesn't want us to have our own space but he wants us to pay the bills. Yeah. . . . We're going to get my computer. Mostly because he promised to get one and he's not going to go back on his word. He thinks we play too many video games. Well then how am I keeping an all A average right now? Oh yeah, because unlike him and my parents I understand things the first time I hear them and if I don't, I study a little. I don't need to spend every waking minute studying just to understand my classes. I'm also sick of him assuming that I'm not trying to get a job. If he'd get that other car like he promised, it would be a hell of a lot easier for me to get one. oh well. I'm going to get going. I'll try to upload more tomorrow.

Sorry

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. Things have been a little odd. My mom is calling me about once a week or so on her drive home. I'm kind of sad that this is the only time she can call. I went to the doc the other day. I'm back on zoloft for depression and Xanax for anxiety and insomnia. I'm also on maximum d3 because I am vitamin d deficient or something like that. Well I've got to get going. Class is about to start, I just figured I should let y'all know that I'm still alive and doing a little better.

Eye exam

Tomorrow my father in law is bringing me to the eye center at walmart. I'm going to get an eye exam and get fitted for contacts. I'm really excited. I've been wanting contacts for a while. Hopefully later down the line I'll be able to get color contacts. I really want purple or green ones.

As for school, I'm a little flustered with needing to do three assignments for Soc, study for my Soc test, and study for my Spanish test. I should go do that. haha

Still here

I'm still here. I'm doing a little better now. My mom called the other night and we tried to do the whole talking thing. It got really awkward near the end because neither of us knew what to say. She says she's trying. I'm not sure whether or not I should believe her. It really hurts having her say she's trying then turn around and give up shortly after.

I went to the eye doctor to see if I have any coverage so I can get contacts. I don't have any coverage. I'll have to play or it all out of pocket. I'm worried to see how much it'll cost. I want purple or green contacts with my prescription so I don't have to wear glasses.

My classes are going really good so far. I've kept up with stuff and I'm understanding everything that we're going over right now. Let's hope it stays like this. My psych class is going to be amazingly easy. We haven't even covered all of Chapter 1 yet. I'm used to covering one chapter per class period. I'm still understanding most of my math stuff. When I have questions I still ask my hubby but I'm getting it for the most part. Plus in my spanish class I'm way ahead.

I'm still having mood issues. Hopefully I'll get into a doctor soon to get back on my meds. I'm going to see if my father in law will set up an appointment for me at his doctor's office. I need to start situating things. I've also got to look up a new counselor that will work with my insurance and knows how to deal with BPD.

Anyways. I'll try to update a little more often but I get easily distracted. I'm off to play WoW

Heartbroken and feeling lost

So the other day I posted this as my status on facebook:

Sick of being ignored and forgotten. Did me moving really make it that easy to just put me to the back of your mind? Am I that easy to forget?

 Instead of realizing that I meant this to all of my friends and family, my mom assumed it was just about my dad since I've been complaining about not getting my card in the mail. So she said

Rye...your Dad does not read this...give it up.

 Then she sends me an email on facebook saying this:

Not everyone vents on FB when they are let down. Like not even getting a Christmas card from their daughter. Seems that you have been so worried about getting something from your father that you didn't bother to send me a card or letter, not that I expected a gift. But to think that you would take the time to send a card would have been nice. You should consider that there are other people other than yourself that get their feelings hurt. The only time you call me lately is to see if I have talked to your father. Think how that would make you feel. You are an adult...time to take on the resposibility of it.
ok now I feel better that I vented too. Lets get over it ok?
I am not going to hold a grudge...you hurt my feelings...I am over it. Maybe you can get over your hurt feelings too. It is easier to come right out and tell someone. So go ahead ...your turn to tell me how I let you down.  

So I sent:

Sorry I didn't send a card. I had started making cards but never got to the post office to send them. As for the calling. At least I call you. You only call on holidays. I want to talk more. You're working. You've said several times that you'd try to call me later in the evening but never do. Sometimes I need to get stuff off my chest. I can't keep bottling stuff up. If you don't want to see it on facebook, block my posts from your feed. I've been worried about getting my Insurance card from my father. I need that so I can get back on depression medications and stop feeling like shit all the time. And thanks for making me feel even more like shit. All I'm trying to get is a little fucking reassurance that some people up in Michigan miss me. I have NO friends down here and all of my friends up there said they would visit or at least keep in touch and most of them barely do that unless I say something. You can't instantly assume that you know why I say what I say. I'm having a really rough time. There. . . I've vented. Happy? 

Her response:

By the time I get home at night from work...I eat and want to go to bed. I know that I should call back when I have the ability to talk and not want to go to bed. But some times it is hard to call when you are so negative all the time. I would love to talk to you, but we are both busy and don't always have the time. You cannot assume that just because people don't call you every day that they don't miss you. You have to realize that we all have lives to live also...not just you. You have got to stop feeling sorry for yourself and make your life happy. Only YOU can do that. Sorry if this makes you feel worse. It is time I said it and you need to hear it.
If you have something to say to me...just send me a message...don't bother venting on FB.
If you want to talk more. Call me on the weekend...when I am not working. I would be happy to talk.  

ok so I was talking to Jennifer and she says that she wishes Mom would call her more often. I guess I never thought about it. Maybe that is because I am not much for being on the phone. Never had wanted to sit and chat. I would rather type it out. SO maybe I am a awful mother...that I can accept. Sorry 

I don't get it. She says she gets upset when I only call to talk about my dad but she doesn't like talking on the phone? That makes no sense. She's not sorry whatsoever. She never is. Every time she attempts to say sorry it's near some kind of comment like "I'm an awful mother" or "how have I let you down" or "how have I failed you". She never outright says "Oh, I'm sorry, I  misunderstood." No! She could never say that. What would the reasoning be behind actually admitting that you were for once in your pathetic life, wrong. Whatever. I'm just sick of everything so I'm going to play some fucking video games. I can't deal with her shit anymore 

Sorry

Sorry I've been missing for a while. Sunday night we got our ice storm. I haven't had school all week. Monday afternoon, Zach and I decided to start playing World of Warcraft again. That's been taking a lot of my time but at least it's been a good stress reliever. I got my Abnormal Psych book in the mail today. I'm really excited about the class. I got the CD for my Spanish class the other day too. I still don't have the thing from my dad. Haven't talked to him in a long time either. I called him Monday and left a message. Then I called him yesterday and left a message. He isn't answering my calls and he's not returning my messages. I sent an e-mail to a woman he works with to see if she's heard from him. She hadn't seen him in a while but she sent a text to his boss to see if he was working. She hasn't gotten an answer yet. I'm starting to get partially worried and partially pissed. If he's not working I'm going to be worried. If he is, I'm going to be furious.

Getting really really really frustrated with Everything

So obviously I'm funneling and only hearing what I want to hear when I say I've never heard anything bad about a person. But when he says the most horrible over generalized stereotypes about people around us, of course he's right. It's not like he's getting old and senile or anything. There's no way that I could possibly be right. I'm only 21. He's in his 60s. This is so effing frustrating. I'm never right when it comes to conversations with him. And he ALWAYS over generalizes things. He makes broad assumptions about people based on some stereotype. Like all actors are jerks, all people of a certain race purposely put a bunch of stuff in their carts at a grocery store and then act surprised when they have to pay for it all. (I'm not kidding about the last one. This one lady that didn't have enough money for her stuff was in front of us at Walmart. When we got to the car he actually said she did it on purpose and everyone else of her nationality does it too.) I can't believe him sometimes. And to make conversations worse at the dinner table, he's a noisy, nasty eater. I understand it's a burger and it's pretty big so you're bound to make a little mess. But when I have to hear every slurp and groan when you eat, I just can't eat anymore. Which really isn't a bad thing. It keeps me from eating too much. But still, It makes me want to throw up and I really don't want to. Especially after my episode after the rum binge. I can't stand how angry I am with him right now. I don't know how to calm down. Video games just make me angrier. Writing isn't working lately because I just can't seem to have any creativity. I just want to scream. I've gone about 3 days without hurting myself. I'm trying to make it to 7 but I'm not sure how much more of this I can handle. I called my dad at 2pm today. That's 3pm his time. I left a message saying I was checking to see how he was doing (he was sick last weekend) and if he had sent my insurance card. I told him to give me a call back. Nothing yet. It's almost 5pm here (6pm there). Now he's ignoring me and it's pissing me off. I just don't know how to deal with these idiots. . .. I'm going to try and get some more of my fan fic done. Hopefully I can just listen to loud music and block everything out.

Don't know what to do

Still nothing in the mail from my dad. I don't know how to call and let him know that he's pissing me off. I've never been able to yell at him. I've always been daddy's little girl or papa's little princess. I want to scream at him and tell him that he's a sorry excuse of a person and that he's worthless and has never truly been there for me in my life. I want to tell him that he either needs to send me that card or several thousand dollars so I can get the medical attention and help I need. But no, I'll never say that. Why? Because I'm too scared of what he'll do. Not to me, but himself. I'm worried that if I tell him how much I don't like him and how much crap he's put me through, that he'll finally kill himself. I couldn't live with knowing it was my fault.

I'm really hungry but I can't find anything to eat. Everything is high in fat and high in calories. Nothing healthy. I ran out of bread yesterday. I was making turkey subs and one of those a day was almost enough that I wasn't hungry later. I have to find where my father in law was buying the bread and go get more without him telling me to eat leftovers. Greasy, fatty, calorie loaded, leftovers. Homemade pizza with all artificial ingredients. Spaghetti with greasy sausage sauce. I can't do it. I just want healthy stuff and I don't want to get grief over it. (My father in law seems to think it's "amazing" when I actually eat healthy stuff. Well I'd eat more if there was any good tasting healthy stuff around. But no, it's mostly unhealthy stuff or stuff that tastes like dog food.)

Anyways, sorry for my rant. I just need to get some of this out. I don't have anyone to complain to anymore. I used to have friends that would listen to how bad my day was but they're up in Michigan and moving on with their lives. I'm stuck down here. Friendless. It sucks. Ok. I really need to stop with the self pity. I'm starting to anger myself with it.  Time to go shopping for bread or something. Or listen to really loud music. Peace all.

Ick

I got the bedroom cleaned for the most part. I've still got to go through hubby's suitcase and put clothes away, put ornaments away, put the tree away, and vacuum. I also ordered my books for school today. $304. I can' t believe it, and I already had one of the books I needed. Still nothing in the mail from my dad. It's starting to frustrate me. I really need my effing insurance card. There are a lot of things I need to get taken care of. First is getting back on meds. Then getting other things taken care of like teeth and contacts. Gurr. .  I'm so frustrated. To make it worse, I got sick last night. I drank too much rum and ended up tossing and turning for three hours before finally throwing up. It was horrible. Especially since I ate spaghetti for dinner. Spices coming back up sucks.

Stupid Father

My father didn't call me today. He promised he would call today (Sunday) so that his wife could explain the insurance policy for me and explain how to file my bills and such. It's already 8pm there. He's not going to call. I'm really upset. I need that card and I need to know how to file stuff so I get reimbursed. I know he didn't send the letter yet. (It's Sunday) I don't know how to handle this. I'm so furious with him. I want to scream. On a good note, my father-in-law is being a little nicer to me.  He offered to bring me to a salon to have my hair fixed. (My roots are a LOT lighter than the rest of my hair. At least my hair isn't black anymore.)

One of my brothers-in-law and his family are stopping at our house tomorrow on their way back to FL from IL. I think They'll be staying the night. I'm not sure though. I'll be happy to see my nieces and nephews though. Their energy keeps me from fixating on things that are bothering me.

Happy New Year

Happy new year! I've decided to make a new years resolution. It's not one that's impossible to achieve, like becoming a millionaire. It's not one that I can mess up by eating, like losing 30 pounds. It's one that I've tried and tried but give up on. It's one that will be really hard. It's one I'll really want to give up. My resolution is to get the help that I need. I'm going to get back on meds. I'm going to find a good psychologist. I'm going to be honest with the psychologist. I'm going to find new, better behaviors. I'm going to start the healing process.