Frustrated

I'm really frustrated right now. Last week I was told that if I wanted to change counselors, I had to talk to the Clinical Director. When I went in today, they said I had to talk to my counselor. If I was able to talk to my counselor about this, I wouldn't need to come in when she's not there and ask one of the receptionists about it. So. . . I've decided, at tomorrows counseling appointment, I'm going to tell my counselor that I can't afford it anymore because of financial problems at home. Then, when I get my insurance back, I can go out and find a counselor that can actually deal with my problems and offer healthy alternatives.

On a different note, I'm starting to lose weight again. After this weekend I was up to 158.6 + and this morning I was 156.8 My biggest problem with losing this weight is that I'm always hungry. Right now, I feel like I'm starving. The biggest problem is, we don't have the healthiest food in the house and we don't have the money to go out and buy food. This sucks.

What day is it?

I don't know what day it is anymore. The last couple days have been a blur of xanax, rum, and motrin. After my last post, I played games with my husband and brother-in-law. My sister-in-law kept talking about going shopping in the morning and my husband and I agreed to help her get one thing. Bad idea. Worst idea ever! Since it was midnight when we decided this, and we decided we should get going at 2:30am to get in line, we decided not to go to bed. We played games while my sister-in-law went to bed. We left at 2:30, got in line at Sears, and talked to some random guy and his daughter. It was pretty good. The line wasn't too long and people were pretty nice to talk to. When we were allowed in the store, at 4am, all hell broke lose. People became crazy and I started having a panic attack. (I'm slightly agoraphobic. I can deal with people usually but really crowded places freak me out.) We bought what we came for, and pulled around back to put it in the car. Well it didn't fit so we had to call my father-in-law to come pick it up. While we waited for my father-in-law, we dropped my sister-in-law off at the next store she needed. I had to take a xanax because I couldn't handle all the people. When we got the toolbox into the van, we went to JC Penny, where my sister-in-law was. We spent another HOUR in there. It wasn't from waiting in line, it was from her looking at all kinds of pants and shirts and shoes. Seriously, everything she bought was for her or benefited her. SO frustrating. Well, when we finally got her out of there, she still needed to go to shoe carnival and Kohls. I was starting to feel in a bit of a fog when we got to shoe carnival. We were in there for 20 minutes while she shopped for herself before we excused ourselves to the car to sleep. She came out another 40 minutes later. When my husband started the car, I pretended to pass out against the window which made them decide to just go home. We got home at 7am. I went straight to bed and didn't get up until almost 8pm. I played video games with my husband and brother-in-law until midnight again, then went to bed. This morning I was supposed to go shooting with them, but decided to sleep. Turns out my sister-in-law made them take their daughter with. Good thing I slept. We had my other brother-in-law and his family over today too. The first brother-in-law left around 6pm and this brother-in-law is leaving in a couple hours. Then I get to have a day completely to myself. No kids running around screaming. No needing to show my face so people don't worry. No nothing. Just me. Yay.  

Xanax and bed

The stress has begun. But it's half way over. My brother-in-law and his family came over last night. They're from South Carolina. They've got two kids. An almost 4 yr old daughter and an 8 or 9 month old son. They got in at about 11:30 pm. Everything was fine until my niece started screaming about wanting her back pack or something. For the next two hours she continued to scream and cry about everything under the sun which caused my nephew to cry as well. I finally got to sleep around 2 or 2:30. Then my brother-in-law was back up at 6 and my niece was up at 7am. I couldn't sleep after she was up because she once again started screaming. She calmed down after a while. As soon as both my husband and I were up and in the living room, my brother-in-law and his wife promptly disappeared into their bedroom leaving us with the kids. They stayed in there for an hour or two. When my brother-in-law finally came back out, I went into our bedroom to try and calm down. My niece was driving me up a wall because she kept taking her brother's toys away from him every time he found something to keep him occupied. My sister-in-law took the baby in the room and slept until Thanksgiving dinner was ready. (about 2:30pm) Dinner went great. It was nice seeing family. My sister-in-law started talking about going to Walmart really quick and my father-in-law offered me up as company. (Even though he knows I get really sick of her really quick) We did ok while shopping. When we got home, I went into our room and have been trying to stay in here ever since. I love them and all but I just need some me time. Hopefully tomorrow or Saturday my brother-in-law, my husband, and I will go shooting. I really hope so. I don't want to get stuck watching the kids while they go and she sleeps. Well, I'm off to go watch the guys play video games. Hopefully I'll get to play at some point. If not, it's more xanax and bed.

Finally back

Ok so I finally got my power cord for my computer back. Now I can get all caught up on emails and such. I took some neat pictures and uploaded them to my deviantart account. I'm doing a little better. I'm a little angry feeling but that's nothing new. I'm slowly climbing out of the dark pit I've fallen into. But I'm not sure how long until I fall back in or lose my footing. We've got in-laws coming over for Thanksgiving. It's going to be weird not seeing my parents or any of my family. One of Zach's brothers and his wife and two children are coming over, so is his uncle Frank and his girlfriend. My brother-in-law and his family should be here tomorrow some time so I've got to get the house cleaned up. Hopefully that will keep me occupied and help me get out of this funk. Until then. . .

Empty

I don't feel anything right now. I feel like crying but the tears won't come and I don't know why the feeling is there. I want to slip into the darkness that's hiding in the corners of my mind, but I can't. I've got things to do. I've got people to entertain. Must make sure everyone thinks I'm fine. Play the game. Laugh and smile and say I feel great. It's all a lie. But who will ever know? They don't read deep enough. They don't pay close enough attention. The signs are all there. The glassed over eyes that hold a blank stare. The scars. The weakness, dizziness, pain. But as long as I don't draw attention to it, they never notice. It's safer not to notice because if you do, you'll have to ask and if you ask, you'll know what you never wanted to. So I continue my facade. I laugh at people's jokes. I pretend to care about school. I talk about making plans. But all I really want is sweet silence and nonexistence. But I can never have that. I couldn't make things worse for people. They'd have to deal with my debt, and the funeral or the hospitalization. I just couldn't do that. So for now, I stick with the cuts. I hide in my books. And above all else, I keep pretending.

Don't know what I'm doing anymore

I'm not sure what I'm doing anymore. I feel like I'm living a lie. Well, more like not really living at all. I feel so numb. Like there's nothing left inside of me. Tears come and fall but for what reason? I just don't want to be here right now. I don't want to be anywhere. I just want to stop existing. I don't know what my purpose is anymore. My counselor basically told me I wouldn't make it as a counselor, so there goes my life's dream. All I seem to do is worry or stress out those that I let get close to me. I don't know how much longer of this I can deal with. I laid in bed for 4 hours after I woke up just listening to moonlight sonata and thinking. Thinking about everything and anything. I've come to realize that my parent's care about me for about 5 minutes a month. I never got a card or call back from my dad after my birthday. I called my mom the other day and she said she'd try to call back after she got out of work but she never did. What a surprise. Not. The scars are fading. Nothing left to pick at. If things don't get better, I'll have to start all over again. It's the only way I know how to deal. No one else seems to understand. I'm just going to go fade into the background now. Maybe you'll find me in your shadow some day, trying to hide from the sun.

Situating things.

I'm feeling pretty good today. I got our bathroom mostly cleaned. I've still got to clean the shower. I'm washing our bedding and I've cleaned the room except for vacuuming. I told my father-in-law that I was starting a fast and I somehow got him to be ok with it and even support me. I said I wanted to do a bit of a body cleanse. He said he thought it was a good idea. Intriguing. I feel horrible because I ate some food from McDonald's yesterday but I haven't eaten anything since then so I feel a little better. The last time I ate was sometime yesterday right after noon but since I don't know exactly when I'm going to say 3pm. Only an hour until I make it to 24 hours. I should define my idea of a fast. . .  I will drink anything I feel like at the time (except for shakes) and I'm allowed to chew gum. We'll see how well this goes. Since I don't really have to hide it, I think it might be a bit easier for me. Right now I'm somewhere between 156-157lbs. It keeps fluctuating. I'm also wearing somewhat heavier clothing. I really should finish cleaning. Then I've got class at 5:30.

Not having a great day at all

Today started ok enough. I went to class at 8am. I took a diet pill and got a little jittery. I finally picked a topic for my persuasive speech that my teacher approved of. After that class, while waiting for my next one, I sat outside and smoked while reading my book. (A Bright Red Scream) My next class was extremely boring. When I got home things were ok. I had been fasting for 14 hours but I was getting really sick and REALLY hungry so I thought I could have a few chips with dip. When I was getting it, my father-in-law asked if I liked sausage gravy. I said no and in passing said I could cook my own dinner, meaning that he didn't need to worry about me. He got really defensive and angry. He asked if it was just the food he was cooking that I had a problem with. I told him no that I just didn't like eating. He then pointed out I was getting chips and dip. I got upset and said, "I know, I eat too much. I have a problem." I was so upset. I walked back into my bedroom and started crying. My husband asked what was wrong and I explained everything to him. Why can't people just let me eat the way I want to? Why does it have to be everyone else's business? I've had people nit pick at what I eat since I was in Elementary school. I eat too much, or I don't eat enough, or I don't eat the right things, or I don't eat often enough. I'm 21, why is it so hard to let me choose how I live my life. As long as I'm not dying, I don't see any problem in it. For God's sake I'm 5'3" and I weight 150something effing pounds. If people would just leave me the eff alone, I'd be able to get my weight down. I don't care if I do it in a "healthy" or "safe" way. Let me be a grown up. If you want me to be able to take care of myself, let me start now! Gurr. . .  I'm so frustrated and upset. I want to cut so bad. I scratched myself twice already but it's not the same. If I could just get a little time alone, I'd be fine to get it done and cleaned up and no one would notice but now everyone is hovering. I don't know what to do.

Ick

Not feeling that great today. I still weigh about 157 but I'm starting a new diet thing. I'm going to start with limiting my calorie intake. Once I've gotten used to the lower calories I'll start restricting food intake. I've noticed that when I just stop eating, I get really sick or I give up really easily. I was going to walk a mile today but it's raining. :-( As soon as my father-in-law gets up I'm going to have him take me to the bank to put some money in. Then back home to try and relax before my psych class.