Ick

These headaches are driving me insane. I've been getting them almost daily and they're getting worse. I've decided to stop the Zoloft. I'll make an appt with my doc when my father in law get's back from Illinois. He's heading up there tomorrow morning. (Well technically this morning. Probably quite soon actually) He'll be there until Saturday ish. I like having the house to ourselves. It's nice. Plus I seem to feel more relaxed and lose more weight when we have the house to ourselves. I've been up all night playing World of Warcraft with the hubby. He's getting pretty tired so he's going to head to bed. I think I'll try to get some writing done. I haven't done much in a while but I've been slowly getting some inspiration back. Though sadly it's from the depression. Oh well. Bed soon :-)

Up and Down

Up then Down then Up then Down again. That's how I've been. Sunday I messed up and cut. 5 Small lines. No one but one friend in Michigan knows. Well and you guys. Though I'm not sure how many people actually read this. Not sure anyone really cares. But whatever. I've got a super migraine right now. I've been feeling like vomiting since I ate dinner. Luckily I don't have class tomorrow. But I'm probably going to go to Jacksonville to get stuff situated and get some pictures done. Unless I'm still feeling like crap, then I'm just going to sleep all day. I can't seem to take my meds. I feel like the suicidal thoughts have increased since I started the meds. I'm not really acting on them but I'm thinking about how to do it more. Which is kind of freaky. But whatever. I'm going to take my xanax and hope to get some sleep.

Dying inside

Two years ago today I lost the most amazing woman in the world. My great-grandmother. I know she passed knowing that I was doing well. I know that she is finally free of the pain. I know she is with her husband and my little cousin who would have turned 21 today. Though it's been two years, it still hurts. I still feel like crying every time I think about her. Everything still reminds me of her. Time isn't healing anything. I miss her with all of my being. I ache to be able to finally say goodbye to her. But I'll never get that. I wasn't allowed it two years ago and I'm not allowed it now. I still have nightmares. I need help. No one has been able to help heal this pain. I don't know what will fix it.
All people ever ask is "What will help?" or "What will make it better?" What will make it better would be to see her one last time. What would help would be to know, without a doubt, that she's proud of who I am right now. But I can't have this. There is no way of knowing if she's proud of me.
I'm falling into the dark hole of depression with this day. I can't stand it. I need to do something. I need to get out or go shopping or something. I can't stand staying here and thinking about her. It's breaking my heart.

I'm not ok. . .

Things with the hubby are going good. He's still sleeping. Surgery went god. He was in a bit of pain last night but he slept through the whole night and he's been sleeping for about 12 hours now. At least he isn't in pain. I finally caught up on my sleep. I had gotten sick three nights ago then I only got two hours of sleep in the hotel the night before surgery. When we got home yesterday I slept for a couple hours then I slept through the night pretty well.
While we were in the waiting room I met a really nice woman. She was 78 but acted like she was only 50. It was really nice talking to her. She reminded me a lot of my great-grandma. She had the same liveliness and spirit to her. I talked to her of my grandma and she encouraged me to find some kind of closure. When we eventually go back to Michigan I might try to visit the house. She helped me make it through the wait to see Zach.
I only had to take a half a xanax. Pretty good for how freaked out I was. I almost passed out each time I saw him in the hospital bed. I just have a horrible fear of hospitals.
When I got up from my nap after we got home I felt like crap. Not physically but emotionally. I just wanted to cry. And all I managed were two tears. I felt like if I could just cry I would feel better but it never came. I don't know what to do. It's killing me to not cry. I'm getting deeper and deeper in the hole. I don't know how. They just upped my dosage of Zoloft so I should be feeling better. Shouldn't I? Plus there's more sunlight. These things should be helping. But they're not. I just want to go into oblivion for a while. Just not exist until my body and soul have found some kind of peace. I feel like I'm borrowed time already. Feeling like this just feels. . . . gah it's so hard to explain.
Well I should get going. I should try to clean the room before the hubby gets up.

Sick

So I ended up throwing up this morning. Hubby didn't stop playing WoW until 4something. I got maybe two hour of sleep before my stomach woke me up. I threw up then came back to bed feeling better. An hour or so later, just as I was about to fall asleep again, I needed to get sick again. I did this a couple times. Every time after the first time it was just drainage. Finally around 8:30am I got some saltine crackers and moved into the spare bedroom to sleep. I'm feeling ok now. But now it's time to pack and go to Atlanta. Oh joy. If you pray, pray for my hubby. Thanks.

Drunk

I'm really sorry I haven't posted on here in a while. I guess I've been pretty occupied. My hubby has his surgery on his ear drum on Monday. I'm not looking forward to it. We're going into Atlanta tomorrow and checking into a hotel. I'm really scared for my hubby. I know it's just a simple operation but hospitals scare the living crap out of me. I don't know what it is. I just have a horrible fear of hospitals. Anyways. .  . in order to relax tonight, I started drinking. I've had a lot. I've been playing WoW too. I got my druid to lvl 85. Not like that really means anything to anyone. Well, it was hard. Now I feel accomplished. So. . . Lately I've been feeling like shit. I've not been really feeling anything. I just feel empty. Like I'm not me. Like I'm watching someone else's life flash before my eyes. I want to cry but I can't. I want to feel something more than nothing. I know it doesn't make sense. It's hard to explain. I get the feeling that I need to cry. I'll even get a little sting in my eyes that I used to get before I cried. But nothing comes. No tears. Nothing. Just blah. Last night and tonight I've had a really hard time staying away from sharp objects. But so far I haven't done anything. I'm really proud of myself. I've done well surprisingly enough. The temptation is there. I had to take two xanax last night instead of one. Anyways. I'm up to 1 1/2 pills of my zoloft. My doc said the sun should help me get feeling better. He also said my dizzy episodes may have something to do with hypoglycemic episodes or something like that. He said it might be when my blood sugar drops too low. So far I haven't had a problem since I went to the doc. Anyways. . . I should get to bed. It's 3:30am and I'm not sure when we're going over to Atlanta.