Blah

Today was ok. I woke up around 10 something. I got somewhere around 7 hours of sleep. When Zach got home he didn't want to go out to the pawn shops so he watched tv while I did stuff online. I tried catching up on my surveys but I've got a killer headache. I really wanted to get out and just go window shopping but I don't want to feel like I'm forcing him to do what I want to do. But then I feel upset because I feel ignored. Well after a while I checked my facebook. My cousin posted a picture of my dad wearing frilly underwear over his pants. It makes me realize how much I miss the way things were when I was little. I miss hanging out with my family members. I miss actually talking to my family and knowing what's going on with them. Evidently a couple of them are going to  be on The Price Is Right. I only know this because I read their facebook statuses. So now I'm in a bummed out mood because I realize that I'm never going to have that with my biological family. They've pretty much forgotten my existence now that I live in Alabama. I just wish things were different. I want to know what it's like to have a family that actually sticks together. I haven't talked to my mom in forever and the last time she bothered to say hi (which was on facebook chat) was to see if a status that I wrote (saying I was sick of trying) was about her. She didn't ask how I was, she didn't care. I wish they would change or I could just forget them.

Little update

Time for a little update.

Yesterday I had my first counseling appointment. It was just to set up everything and talk about if there is a history of family mental disorders and such. It went really well. I really liked the lady. I also found out that in December or early January I'll be able to get in to see a doctor for really cheap and I'll be able to get back on my medications. I was so happy. I also found out that I have the highest grade in my math class with a  101%! That made my day since I'm horrible in math.

Today sucked. I got crappy sleep and felt really sick when I went to class. Class wasn't that fun and I got a headache. When class was over I tried calling Zach but he didn't answer. Then I got in the car and tried to start it but it wouldn't start. I kept trying. People kept looking at me but no one offered to help. I got more upset when I kept calling Zach and he didn't answer. Finally the car started and I got home. We had a pretty big fight about it and worked things out. We added some liquids to the engine that were kind of low. Then I went and got some stuff to make sloppy joes. The car started fine at the grocery store. We ate and I got a worse headache. I took an Excedrin and did my homework. Now I'm getting ready to head to bed. Not looking forward to classes tomorrow though.

Trying to focus

Today has been pretty nice. Ron is visiting his brother in Illinois and Zach had class at 7:30am. I woke up around 11 something to just the sound of birds outside the window. It was really nice. I took my pills. (felt sick for a little bit again but it went away after a couple minutes) Then I went and got the mail and cleaned up the house a little bit. So far no weight loss. I've actually gained 2lbs. My blood pressure is going down so that's good. One of my bruises is getting better, the other is getting worse. It hurt to sleep on my left side (the one I normally sleep on) so that sucked. I finally got through 3/4 of my inbox. (paid surveys) I've still got 7 more to do. I gave up on studying for my test tonight. I just can't seem to read the textbook. When I do I get distracted or the words look fuzzy. I'm trying to write my speech outline (informative on borderline personality disorder) but I just can't figure out what I want to say. Maybe Zach can help me tonight. Then I've got to type it out and put on my flash drive for class tomorrow. (the outline not the actual speech) Then I've got an english test. (should be really easy) After that I've got my psych appointment. I called and figured out where it was. I'm getting even more nervous about it. Then in my math class I'll hopefully figure out what I got on the test last Thursday. I'll be sooooooo happy if I aced it. If I did, Zach and I might go out to dinner or something. I think I'm going to go obsessively exercise until I'm exhausted, then maybe I'll be able to study or write my outline.

Update on today and worries

After my entry earlier, we went out. Turns out pawn shops in Alabama are closed on Sundays. So we went home and I started thinking of things to do. (The D4 was giving me a lot of energy.) So we decided to go out to the shooting range and then to the store to find some glow in the dark stars for the walls and ceiling in our room. After I got ready, I went upstairs to take my blood pressure. (I've been having weird issues so I'm trying to keep an eye on it) Well Zach was up there getting the guns ready. When I was done I started going downstairs. I had socks on and I lost my balance. My feet came out from under me and I slid down 5 or so stairs. I grabbed the railings to stop myself. I twisted one finger and hit my elbow on something. Now I've got a bruise going on my elbow and one starting on my hip. Well we went out shooting, (pistols) and I did better than him. :-) yay. He does better with rifles. (I hate rifles) Well when we were done we tried to find the glow in the dark stars but didn't. Though I did find a bubble wand thingy that's been keeping me entertained. I tried studying for my psych test tomorrow, but I can't seem to focus. I'll study before class tomorrow. I'll also write my speech outline for class Tuesday. I uploaded some pictures from Disney on my facebook. I'm trying to upload some to deviantart but, again, I cant focus on something for too long.

I'm kind of nervous about Tuesday. I've got my initial appointment with a counselor at the Calhoun Cleburn Mental Health Center. I don't know the address so I have to call them tomorrow and ask. I don't know why I'm so nervous. I just don't know what to expect. I'm afraid of being told that I'm crazy and I'm not going to get better. I'm afraid of being told there's nothing wrong and I just need to get over myself. I'm afraid that I won't get along with the person and thus I won't be able to talk about intimate things that are bothering me. And somewhere deep down inside of me, I'm afraid to get help and get better. My problems have seemed to define me. I find who I am in them. I don't know. I'm just nervous. I know I need the help and I know it's good. I just don't know how it's going to go.

Day 1

Day 1 of the diet went ok. I didn't get the ability to exercise much because the floors were wet for so long. I did get 50 crunches in though. The D4 gives me a TON of energy. Though I do feel funny when I'm not moving around. It feels like my nerves are pulsating. I think I didn't drink enough water. I'm still really sore from exercising the other day though. I kind of feel like I need to throw up though :-( I woke up a half hour ago and took all my pills. I wonder if they react weird. I hope not. Well I'm off to go look at pawn shops. Zach wants to look at gun prices. I want to find something to entertain myself. I'd really like to find a cheap violin and teach myself to play.

Diet

So I decided to start dieting. I'm sick of being 5'3" and 150 something lbs. I feel huge though people say I look fine. I know it's just them saying that. I mean, would you really want to tell someone, "Yeah, you look huge, you should lose some weight." So I've figured out what I'm going to do. I'm not allowed to eat more than 900 calories a day. I've got to exercise away at least half of the calories I do take in. I'm also taking this weight loss dietary supplement called D4. Let's hope it works. I'm also going to be replacing two meals with a lean shake. I got strawberry flavored :-) I'm starting the diet today. Hopefully I'll keep track of everything on here. My initial weight is 152lbs. I've taken my vitamins and the D4. Though I did have a small meal at Aplebee's. Taking that into account I've got to start exercising soon. I've also got to drink more water.

Oh. We got the carpets all cleaned today. We needed to get it done today because my father-in-law is leaving tomorrow morning to go visit and help his brother with the farm up in Illinois. So we get the house to ourselves until sometime around Thursday or Friday. I'm pretty excited. I've still got to clean the two bathrooms, the kitchen, and the laundry room but I'll probably do that tomorrow when he leaves.

Yesterday and today

So yesterday was not my day. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I was really grumpy. My dad called because he thought that I called. When he talked to me he didn't really talk about me. He talked about Zach then Ron then about himself. Then he said he had to go. I sat around fixing my playlists on my ipod until about 4:48pm when I realized I had class. So I rushed around got ready and got on the road. I got about 5 blocks away when I realized I forgot to print off the powerpoint and I forgot my sunglasses. It was too late to turn around so I showed up on time and tried to get a mountain dew from the vending machine but it didn't want to accept quarters so I just went to class. When I got home I had to do an assignment and then I tried laying down. I found it really hard to sleep. I tossed and turned all night and at one point I accidentally punched zach in the forehead. I woke up an hour before my alarm, feeling like crap so I decided to turn off my alarm and just not go to my first two classes. Now I'm up and feeling like crap still. My stomach hurts and my head is pounding. I've got an exam tonight at 7. Let's hope it goes good.

Frustrating day

Today was one of those just plain frustrating days. I woke up grumpy because I didn't get much sleep. I think I may have dozed off for a total of 2 hours throughout the night. I just couldn't seem to fall asleep. I got up and went to the school. I tried getting a Mountain Dew before class but the machine gave me a diet which tasted HORRIBLE. (If you didn't notice, I HATE diet soda.) Anyways, my speech class went ok. We watched some famous speeches and I fought to stay awake. When class was let out early, I went over to the library to work on getting ahead in my math class. For a while it was nice and quiet except for a girl talking loudly on the phone. A short while later, the guy she was talking to decided to come see her. He was talking SO loud. It was like he was trying to talk over some voice that only he could here. Then he started walking around asking people why they were studying. I wanted to yell at him, "Because we're in the library. What else are we supposed to be doing? Throwing a kegger?" I got sick of it and left. I sat outside my class room for an hour before it started. I got some reading done though. Then in my English class, things got worse. First a girl was complaining because last Thursday we were told (in joking) that he might give those of us that showed up extra credit. She was upset because she didn't show up and she didn't think it was fair that those of us that are willing to show up every day might get some extra points for doing so. Then in class we went over grammar errors. Most of the things we went over, were things we learned in middle school. Somehow, so many people had completely forgotten those things. I started getting so tired of it all. They were simple mistakes like changing a comma into a period. When I got home I started yelling about how ignorant people are. I was so angry. I don't even know why I was that angry. I just got furious. Then when Zach got ready to head to a meeting, I decided to take a nap. I had some kind of nightmare and woke up a couple hours later. I was still angry but not as angry, though I did feel really crummy from my nap. Zach went to his tutoring and I went to my math class which made me almost as angry as my English class. I understand that I'm in a remedial math class but people in there are just . . . I don't even know what to say. Simple things like learning to change the less that sign to a greater than sign when multiplying or dividing by a negative number was so hard for them. They couldn't just accept that you change the sign when you multiply or divide by a negative number. They had to ask why. Then if the variable would always be greater than a number. (I have NO idea where they got that one.) Then when we were talking about set notation  { x | x<9 } they couldn't accept that you put the condition in the second part. They had to ask so many questions. Why can't people just accept something that will ALWAYS work. They need to know all these things that just confuse them even more and mess them up on the test. Anyways. I'm home now trying to relax. I want to sleep but I feel so jittery. I want to do something but I can't think of what to do.

Slow day

Today went ok. I woke up in a bad mood and I kept taking it out on people around me. After the anger, came the depression. I'm not sure what's making me so depressed. I just keep getting really bummed out about everything. Anything can make me cry. I wrote some more for a couple of my fan fictions but I keep getting writers block. When Zach got home, I drove to class. Everyone was driving SO SLOW but I got there on time. When I got there it was just me and Fain and we were trying to figure out if class was canceled or not. The class was locked. 5 minutes before it started though, it got unlocked and everyone showed up. Class was easy. I like that there are three people that I talk to and actually like talking to me. It's helping me show up every time. When I got out of class I tried to call Zach and see if he wanted something to eat but he didn't have his phone on him. I went home but then back out to get pizza. Now I'm sitting here, going over stuff for classes tomorrow. Let's hope I get enough sleep tonight.

Getting Started

So, I randomly decided to start a blog. I feel like I've been using my deviantart account as more of a blog and ranting spot than for my art so I'm going to try this for a while and see how it turns out. I'm doing this more for myself than for anyone else. I like having somewhere to just rant about what's going on in my life.

As of right now, things are going ok. I'm doing good in my classes at GSCC. I'm only missing classes when I'm truly unable to make it. I've got my initial psych evaluation with the new counselor on the 21st of this month. I'm hoping it goes well. I'll finally learn if I've actually got Borderline Personality Disorder or if it's just a combination of other things. I'm still looking for a doctor that will work with me without insurance. Either that or find some really REALLY cheap insurance. I'm hoping to find a cheap health center or something like that but I'm so tired of researching stuff. I just want to relax and be a student. My 21st b-day is in 43 days. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. Probably just hang out with the hubby and father-in-law. We'll see.

Ok. That's it for now. I think.