So I'm angry again

Wishing my father-in-law would just relax for a few minutes. He's freaking out because I don't feel perfect and I ran out of antibiotics today. He keeps talking about going back to the doctor for more or going to the emergency room on sunday if I don't feel better. Seriously? It's just an effing sinus and ear infection. The doctor only gave me that many for a reason. I'm not going to an emergency room just because I still feel a little under the weather. He freaks out over little thing. It's annoying. I want to get out of the house so bad but no. Can't do that. Father-in-law will have a heart attack if I go outside even though it's 70 degrees. Plus I've got nowhere to go. I was trying to get the hubby to go out and do anything and he said yes. But now he's watching tv with his dad. I guess we're going out to eat dinner or something sometime. They didn't tell me when. Just said we were going gout to Brad's BBQ. I'm feeling a bit sick so I hope it's some time soon. Whatever. I'm just going to go hang out outside. I want to enjoy the weather.

Sick of this Crap

Why is it that every time I get frustrated or angry at my dad, I'm "being too harsh" or I "don't have reason to be mad at him". I have EVERY reason to be mad at him. He ignores my birthday. He doesn't help me when I need it. He says he's sending a card with my insurance card in it but I find out that he hasn't even sent it yet. He ignores my questions and says we'll talk about it later. I have all kinds of reasons to hate him or be mad. But no. My father-in-law thinks I'm being too harsh. If he knew all the shit my dad's put me through he'd shut the fuck up and stop telling me how I should treat the horrible excuse for a dad I have. Plus I'm sick. Not just "oh I don't feel the best" kind of sick. Full blown ear infection/ sinus infection, pressure in my head, body aching, can't breathe, coughing up a lung, want to die, kind of sick. I really want this week to be over with. I need time to calm down and I can't seem to get it. I'm just so frustrated and upset. Everything is making me cry.

Still here

I'm back. Christmas was ok. Luckily it wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be. Though I did have to take care of 5 children most of the time. An 8 y/o girl, a 6 y/o boy, a 5 y/o boy, a 3 y/o girl, and a 6 m/o boy. The older kids weren't much trouble but the 3 y/o and 6 m/o were a handful. Mostly because their parent's would just set them in front of me and go somewhere else. It just goes to show that when my husband and I do have kids, I'll know how to handle it. We got to eat Christmas dinner outside.

Christmas Eve service at my brother-in-law's church was ok. When they started singing Christmas carols, my eyes watered up. Luckily they didn't sing Hark the herald angels sing. I would have lost it and started bawling. My husband, his two brothers, one of my sisters-in-law and I played our yearly game of trivial pursuit. It was girls against guys and for the first time, they won. I think it's because it was two against three and the sister-in-law that didn't come was the one that usually knew a lot. For Christmas, my husband and I got a digital picture frame from his dad. I also got some facial cleansers, bath brush, essential oils, and a robe from my sister-in-law. I should be getting a card from my dad this week or next week. Hopefully he's sending some money. We actually each got a $50 check from his mom. It was a surprise. I've got a cold/ear infection/sinus infection. I went to a walk in clinic today and got some meds to help with it. I still feel like crap though. Hopefully things will start clearing up tomorrow. Time to go watch tv or play some video games.

Going away for a little bit

I'm going to be gone for a week or so. I'm traveling down to Florida with my husband and father-in-law on the 22nd. We're visiting some of my husband's family. We'll be down there until at least the 26th. So I probably won't be updating this while we're down there. When I get back I might put up some pictures or something. My depression is a roller coaster and it's taking a toll on my weight. I got up to 163 ish. I'm trying to control it in as healthy of a way as I can. My blood pressure was freaking out a bit too. In just an hour I went from 132/85 to 105/76. I've been packing so I haven't had a chance to get out and exercise. Plus my father-in-law is driving me a bit mad so I've been hiding in our room. I got my school schedule set up and everything for next semester. Intro to spanish, intermediate college algebra, abnormal psych, and intro to sociology. I did pretty awesome this semester. I got a 4.0 gpa. All A's :-)  I'm pretty excited. I sent a text to my mom telling her this. She responded with "Proud of you". That made me happy. I called my dad and told him. He told me I did a good job but I couldn't quite get him to say he was proud of me. He's sending a Christmas card with my insurance card in it soon. I can't wait to see a doctor. There are so many things wrong with me. I can't wait to be back on meds again too. I've been taking a decent amount of pictures lately. I need to sit down and upload a bunch of them to deviantart but I'm being lazy. Maybe after the holidays. Time to go and play some video games to take out some stress.

Down then up then down again

I really hate this holiday season. Everything reminds me of the fact that I won't be seeing my family for Christmas. I mean, yeah I'll be seeing some of my in-laws but I've never gone a Christmas without seeing my mom and dad. Today was ok though. Even with it raining. Zach and I went to a couple antique shops so I could look for old keys. We didn't find any keys but I got him a straight razor like he's been wanting for a while now. I also got a necklace for me. It said it was 14k gold with an opal and several rubies. It looks amazing and I only paid $2.00 for it. I can't believe how good it is. I don't care if it's real or not. It reminds me of my great grandmother. Well, anyways. . . . I'm going to go play some video games. Hopefully it'll cheer me up a little.

Plateau

I think I'm doing ok. We've had the house to ourselves this weekend and it's been pretty nice. I've kept the house clean. We've been having a good time. Getting drunk and playing video games until we got too tired to play anymore. My father-in-law comes home tomorrow. My finals start Monday and I haven't really studied yet. I've got 3/4 of them on Tuesday. I'm a little worried but part of me doesn't care. I'm feeling kind of numb right now. Maybe it's the alcohol, maybe it's the lack of sleep. Either way I'm not feeling much. Which is kind of ok. I don't really like feeling so much all the time. Sometimes I just don't want to feel. But, knowing me, the numb will eventually turn to sadness or anger. Like it did earlier when I found out my mom is in Arizona visiting her boyfriend's family. She didn't have the money to visit me for my 21st birthday but she magically has enough to do this and they're going to Vegas on Monday. I can't figure out why I keep forgiving her then getting mad then forgiving her. It's this vicious cycle that will always end with me being heartbroken and her not giving a shit. I wish I could tell her this stuff but I can't. Even when I don't have the best relationship with her, I still don't want to mess up any chance of fixing it. Though I know deep down, it's never going to be what I hope it will be. I keep setting myself up for these downfalls. I really don't know what to do about it. Whatever. I'm going to go write a random fan fic and hope it makes me feel a little better. Peace.

Losing grip or finally regaining some hold? (triggers for SI)

I found out today that I am still able to bleed. (Nothing relaxes me when I'm having a mental break down like seeing my own blood and for the longest time, I haven't been able to make myself bleed) The amount of release that came with it was amazing. I'm able to slightly see through the fog that's been filling my mind lately. I still don't have a ton of creativity but I wrote two free write things today. I got my Christmas tree up in our room. I started missing my mom while I was putting it up. It's a little reminder of home. I keep fading back and forth between calm and depressed. I'm thinking of just taking my double dose of Nyquil and trying to write some stuff before I go to bed. Tomorrow will start my (hopefully) thorough study schedule. I really need to make sure I finish this semester with really good grades. As of right now, I still have above a 90% in all my classes. If I can keep it that way, I should be good. I'm off to my Nyquil induced creativity. Wish me luck.   ^_^

The Holiday depression is starting.

So the normal depression that comes with the Holidays is starting to sink in. It's starting late this year. Mostly because I don't really know what day it is anymore. It doesn't snow very much down here so I don't really have an obvious indicator like usual. I'm used to the depression starting around the first snow of the winter. It might only snow once this year and it won't be anywhere near what I'm used to. My trigger came today. I was flipping through radio stations on my way home from class. Almost every channel was playing Christmas music. Normally I'm ok with that. But then I drove into town and the main road was decorated with all kinds of Christmas lights. I started thinking about how my mom and I always went and looked at Christmas lights on Christmas eve or a couple days before. I realized that this year we wont. I won't even see her for Christmas. I'll be in Florida visiting my husband's family. I don't even know when I'll be able to see her next. We don't have money or a reliable car and my dad hasn't said anything more about helping us get up there. I can say that I don't mind, but I'm lying. I can fight over and over with my mom over stupid stuff. I can hate her boyfriend and what he puts her through. But at the end of it all, I still miss her. I miss the way things were when we first left my step-dad. I miss my mom. I miss my dad too sometimes, but not nearly as much as I miss my mom. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle the Holidays this year. I'm already more depressed than I have ever been. My cutting is getting more obvious and harder to cover up. (Plus I'm running out of good cover-up) I'm constantly in pain or an emotional wreck. I'm either angry, sad, or completely numb. I don't want people to feel bad for me, I just want people to try and help without being too overbearing about it. I know it's a lot to ask. I cleaned the room today in an attempt to keep my mind occupied. I forgot to eat until a little bit ago when I made some steak fries. I'm thinking about rearranging a corner of the room so I can put up our Christmas tree. It might help but it might make things worse. I don't know. I'll probably set up the main Christmas tree tomorrow afternoon. All I really want to do is cry but I won't know how to explain it to my husband. I think he'll probably understand but I don't want him to get sick of dealing with me when I'm like this. I'm trying so hard to be happy, I really am. I think I'm broken. I just don't know how to be. Any ideas from those that read this would be much appreciated.

Doing a little better

I'm doing a little better. Though I think I might have an ear infection. I'm still at 156lbs ish. I haven't checked by blood pressure in a while. I feel like crap though because I ate 3 pieces of Little Caesars for dinner tonight. I found out that I'll have insurance in January so I'm pretty excited about that. I had a scare last night. My dad called and let me know about the insurance and then he said there was a fire on my mom's road and she didn't answer when he called. So I called her after I talked to my dad. She answered. Turns out it was the house right across the road. I was so relieved when I found out it wasn't her house. The next two weekends, my husband and I get the house to ourselves. Next weekend my father-in-law is going to Illinois to visit his brother. The weekend after, he's going to one of my brothers-in-law. Then the Tuesday after that, we're all going to Florida for Christmas. We've got a pretty busy schedule ahead of us. Well, I'm off to go play Little Big Planet with my husband. We're working on getting all the trophies.

Frustrated

I'm really frustrated right now. Last week I was told that if I wanted to change counselors, I had to talk to the Clinical Director. When I went in today, they said I had to talk to my counselor. If I was able to talk to my counselor about this, I wouldn't need to come in when she's not there and ask one of the receptionists about it. So. . . I've decided, at tomorrows counseling appointment, I'm going to tell my counselor that I can't afford it anymore because of financial problems at home. Then, when I get my insurance back, I can go out and find a counselor that can actually deal with my problems and offer healthy alternatives.

On a different note, I'm starting to lose weight again. After this weekend I was up to 158.6 + and this morning I was 156.8 My biggest problem with losing this weight is that I'm always hungry. Right now, I feel like I'm starving. The biggest problem is, we don't have the healthiest food in the house and we don't have the money to go out and buy food. This sucks.

What day is it?

I don't know what day it is anymore. The last couple days have been a blur of xanax, rum, and motrin. After my last post, I played games with my husband and brother-in-law. My sister-in-law kept talking about going shopping in the morning and my husband and I agreed to help her get one thing. Bad idea. Worst idea ever! Since it was midnight when we decided this, and we decided we should get going at 2:30am to get in line, we decided not to go to bed. We played games while my sister-in-law went to bed. We left at 2:30, got in line at Sears, and talked to some random guy and his daughter. It was pretty good. The line wasn't too long and people were pretty nice to talk to. When we were allowed in the store, at 4am, all hell broke lose. People became crazy and I started having a panic attack. (I'm slightly agoraphobic. I can deal with people usually but really crowded places freak me out.) We bought what we came for, and pulled around back to put it in the car. Well it didn't fit so we had to call my father-in-law to come pick it up. While we waited for my father-in-law, we dropped my sister-in-law off at the next store she needed. I had to take a xanax because I couldn't handle all the people. When we got the toolbox into the van, we went to JC Penny, where my sister-in-law was. We spent another HOUR in there. It wasn't from waiting in line, it was from her looking at all kinds of pants and shirts and shoes. Seriously, everything she bought was for her or benefited her. SO frustrating. Well, when we finally got her out of there, she still needed to go to shoe carnival and Kohls. I was starting to feel in a bit of a fog when we got to shoe carnival. We were in there for 20 minutes while she shopped for herself before we excused ourselves to the car to sleep. She came out another 40 minutes later. When my husband started the car, I pretended to pass out against the window which made them decide to just go home. We got home at 7am. I went straight to bed and didn't get up until almost 8pm. I played video games with my husband and brother-in-law until midnight again, then went to bed. This morning I was supposed to go shooting with them, but decided to sleep. Turns out my sister-in-law made them take their daughter with. Good thing I slept. We had my other brother-in-law and his family over today too. The first brother-in-law left around 6pm and this brother-in-law is leaving in a couple hours. Then I get to have a day completely to myself. No kids running around screaming. No needing to show my face so people don't worry. No nothing. Just me. Yay.  

Xanax and bed

The stress has begun. But it's half way over. My brother-in-law and his family came over last night. They're from South Carolina. They've got two kids. An almost 4 yr old daughter and an 8 or 9 month old son. They got in at about 11:30 pm. Everything was fine until my niece started screaming about wanting her back pack or something. For the next two hours she continued to scream and cry about everything under the sun which caused my nephew to cry as well. I finally got to sleep around 2 or 2:30. Then my brother-in-law was back up at 6 and my niece was up at 7am. I couldn't sleep after she was up because she once again started screaming. She calmed down after a while. As soon as both my husband and I were up and in the living room, my brother-in-law and his wife promptly disappeared into their bedroom leaving us with the kids. They stayed in there for an hour or two. When my brother-in-law finally came back out, I went into our bedroom to try and calm down. My niece was driving me up a wall because she kept taking her brother's toys away from him every time he found something to keep him occupied. My sister-in-law took the baby in the room and slept until Thanksgiving dinner was ready. (about 2:30pm) Dinner went great. It was nice seeing family. My sister-in-law started talking about going to Walmart really quick and my father-in-law offered me up as company. (Even though he knows I get really sick of her really quick) We did ok while shopping. When we got home, I went into our room and have been trying to stay in here ever since. I love them and all but I just need some me time. Hopefully tomorrow or Saturday my brother-in-law, my husband, and I will go shooting. I really hope so. I don't want to get stuck watching the kids while they go and she sleeps. Well, I'm off to go watch the guys play video games. Hopefully I'll get to play at some point. If not, it's more xanax and bed.

Finally back

Ok so I finally got my power cord for my computer back. Now I can get all caught up on emails and such. I took some neat pictures and uploaded them to my deviantart account. I'm doing a little better. I'm a little angry feeling but that's nothing new. I'm slowly climbing out of the dark pit I've fallen into. But I'm not sure how long until I fall back in or lose my footing. We've got in-laws coming over for Thanksgiving. It's going to be weird not seeing my parents or any of my family. One of Zach's brothers and his wife and two children are coming over, so is his uncle Frank and his girlfriend. My brother-in-law and his family should be here tomorrow some time so I've got to get the house cleaned up. Hopefully that will keep me occupied and help me get out of this funk. Until then. . .

Empty

I don't feel anything right now. I feel like crying but the tears won't come and I don't know why the feeling is there. I want to slip into the darkness that's hiding in the corners of my mind, but I can't. I've got things to do. I've got people to entertain. Must make sure everyone thinks I'm fine. Play the game. Laugh and smile and say I feel great. It's all a lie. But who will ever know? They don't read deep enough. They don't pay close enough attention. The signs are all there. The glassed over eyes that hold a blank stare. The scars. The weakness, dizziness, pain. But as long as I don't draw attention to it, they never notice. It's safer not to notice because if you do, you'll have to ask and if you ask, you'll know what you never wanted to. So I continue my facade. I laugh at people's jokes. I pretend to care about school. I talk about making plans. But all I really want is sweet silence and nonexistence. But I can never have that. I couldn't make things worse for people. They'd have to deal with my debt, and the funeral or the hospitalization. I just couldn't do that. So for now, I stick with the cuts. I hide in my books. And above all else, I keep pretending.

Don't know what I'm doing anymore

I'm not sure what I'm doing anymore. I feel like I'm living a lie. Well, more like not really living at all. I feel so numb. Like there's nothing left inside of me. Tears come and fall but for what reason? I just don't want to be here right now. I don't want to be anywhere. I just want to stop existing. I don't know what my purpose is anymore. My counselor basically told me I wouldn't make it as a counselor, so there goes my life's dream. All I seem to do is worry or stress out those that I let get close to me. I don't know how much longer of this I can deal with. I laid in bed for 4 hours after I woke up just listening to moonlight sonata and thinking. Thinking about everything and anything. I've come to realize that my parent's care about me for about 5 minutes a month. I never got a card or call back from my dad after my birthday. I called my mom the other day and she said she'd try to call back after she got out of work but she never did. What a surprise. Not. The scars are fading. Nothing left to pick at. If things don't get better, I'll have to start all over again. It's the only way I know how to deal. No one else seems to understand. I'm just going to go fade into the background now. Maybe you'll find me in your shadow some day, trying to hide from the sun.

Situating things.

I'm feeling pretty good today. I got our bathroom mostly cleaned. I've still got to clean the shower. I'm washing our bedding and I've cleaned the room except for vacuuming. I told my father-in-law that I was starting a fast and I somehow got him to be ok with it and even support me. I said I wanted to do a bit of a body cleanse. He said he thought it was a good idea. Intriguing. I feel horrible because I ate some food from McDonald's yesterday but I haven't eaten anything since then so I feel a little better. The last time I ate was sometime yesterday right after noon but since I don't know exactly when I'm going to say 3pm. Only an hour until I make it to 24 hours. I should define my idea of a fast. . .  I will drink anything I feel like at the time (except for shakes) and I'm allowed to chew gum. We'll see how well this goes. Since I don't really have to hide it, I think it might be a bit easier for me. Right now I'm somewhere between 156-157lbs. It keeps fluctuating. I'm also wearing somewhat heavier clothing. I really should finish cleaning. Then I've got class at 5:30.

Not having a great day at all

Today started ok enough. I went to class at 8am. I took a diet pill and got a little jittery. I finally picked a topic for my persuasive speech that my teacher approved of. After that class, while waiting for my next one, I sat outside and smoked while reading my book. (A Bright Red Scream) My next class was extremely boring. When I got home things were ok. I had been fasting for 14 hours but I was getting really sick and REALLY hungry so I thought I could have a few chips with dip. When I was getting it, my father-in-law asked if I liked sausage gravy. I said no and in passing said I could cook my own dinner, meaning that he didn't need to worry about me. He got really defensive and angry. He asked if it was just the food he was cooking that I had a problem with. I told him no that I just didn't like eating. He then pointed out I was getting chips and dip. I got upset and said, "I know, I eat too much. I have a problem." I was so upset. I walked back into my bedroom and started crying. My husband asked what was wrong and I explained everything to him. Why can't people just let me eat the way I want to? Why does it have to be everyone else's business? I've had people nit pick at what I eat since I was in Elementary school. I eat too much, or I don't eat enough, or I don't eat the right things, or I don't eat often enough. I'm 21, why is it so hard to let me choose how I live my life. As long as I'm not dying, I don't see any problem in it. For God's sake I'm 5'3" and I weight 150something effing pounds. If people would just leave me the eff alone, I'd be able to get my weight down. I don't care if I do it in a "healthy" or "safe" way. Let me be a grown up. If you want me to be able to take care of myself, let me start now! Gurr. . .  I'm so frustrated and upset. I want to cut so bad. I scratched myself twice already but it's not the same. If I could just get a little time alone, I'd be fine to get it done and cleaned up and no one would notice but now everyone is hovering. I don't know what to do.

Ick

Not feeling that great today. I still weigh about 157 but I'm starting a new diet thing. I'm going to start with limiting my calorie intake. Once I've gotten used to the lower calories I'll start restricting food intake. I've noticed that when I just stop eating, I get really sick or I give up really easily. I was going to walk a mile today but it's raining. :-( As soon as my father-in-law gets up I'm going to have him take me to the bank to put some money in. Then back home to try and relax before my psych class.

Sorry

Sorry for not updating in a while. I've been rather busy. My last fast didn't work so well and I haven't really tried it since then. I'm too in love with food which is disgusting. I'm back to 157.  :-( No good. We had family over this weekend so I had to eat. Then yesterday was my 21st b-day so I needed food in me so I wouldn't throw up after a drink. I had my second psych appointment at 2pm. I realized that I really don't like my counselor. She's a behavioral psychologist and what I really need is a psychoanalytical psychologist. This one is very focused on the now. She doesn't like talking about the past. It's really frustrating. Well after my appointment, I went home and we went to Jefferson's for food and a drink. I had chicken strips and fries and a drink called a Vegas Bomb. Then we went to Peerless saloon for drinks. I had a Twanger (Crown Royal and Peach-tree schnapps) then a Jager bomb. After that we went to ABC Beverage so I could buy some alcohol and then we went home. My father-in-law didn't want to be out too late. When I got home I was a little tipsy (the Twanger was a double shot) so I made a rum and coke and made some french fries. After some cuddling time with the hubby I fell asleep. My mom actually texted me twice and called once. My dad finally called at what was 8:30pm his time to finally wish me a happy birthday but he didn't want to talk much. Today My father-in-law and I got candy and some decorations for Halloween. Now I'm getting ready to head out to class. I think that's about it.

Excited

My second fast lasted 23 hours. :-) Then I gave in and had a couple chips with dip. :-( But I'm losing weight. Right now I'm 154.8 with my heavy denim jeans on and 153.2 without. That's so awesome. The only downside is I'm really cold, tired, and dizzy a lot now. This fast has been going for 17 hours now. I keep getting this really nasty taste in my mouth though. I've tried drinking soda, then water, then milk. Then I tried brushing my teeth a lot but it kept coming back shortly after. I only got 4 hours of sleep last night so I think I should take a nap before my math class tonight.

Back on track

So my first fast only lasted 14 hours because my father-in-law decided to make dinner WAY too early. So I ate two chicken strips, some corn, and a little bit of mashed potatoes. After class I got weak and had a couple (maybe 8) saltines with butter. It's now been 17 hours since I last ate and I'm actually feeling really good. I learned that the throat spray you use when you've got a sore throat works pretty well at getting rid of my appetite. When I weighed myself earlier I weighed 155.5 with clothes 154.2 without. I got so excited. I finally lost that 5th lb. Let's see if I can keep it off now. I'll be so excited if I can lose another two or three by Tuesday. So now I'm just waiting for class to start. I guess I should go call my dad or something. 

Restarting

Ok so I've failed horribly when it came to my diet. I had family over this weekend and it's hard to explain to the kids why I'm not eating when I'm telling them to eat. So I'm going to try a couple mini fasts. When I say fasts, I mean no actual food but occasionally I'll have an Ensure to keep me going. I'm still at around 157lbs. I hit 155 the other day but it bounced back up. I've gone 12 hours without anything to eat. I'm going to tell my father-in-law that I ate while he was at the store and that I'll grab something when I get home from my night class that way he won't notice that I'm not eating. I just don't want to have to explain to him that it's the only way I can lose weight. He wouldn't understand and he'd probably get overprotective and sit and watch me eat, which would make me want to eat even less. So, only 7 days until my b-day. I'm kind of nervous. I don't know why but I'm just not ready for it. I don't think I've ever dreaded a birthday as much as I'm dreading this one. Ick. Anyways, I'm off to finish my math homework before class tonight.

eh. .

Today was ok. I woke up around 11:30am and started cleaning. We've got family coming over this weekend. One of my brothers-in-law, his wife, and their four kids are coming and staying until monday. I cleaned the bathroom and finally got the bathtub cleaned. I then got the hallway and our bedroom cleaned and vacuumed. I swept out front and then went through my emails. I finally got my check from Toluna so Zach and I put that in the bank and went out for food. That's when things started going bad. I officially hate going out to eat. I mean, I like the whole going out part, it's just the eating part I hate. I don't want Zach getting too worried so I ordered something small. Then I lost control. I had planned on only eating two chicken strips and maybe a couple fries. The chicken strips were bigger than I thought and I ended up eating 3 of them and half my fries. I feel so fat. I'm at 157.0 again. :-( And I was doing so good. So now I'm drowning my sorrows in Watermelon Pucker and sprite. Not the best unless you like stuff that drinks like cranberry juice. (Which I don't). Anyways, enough of my complaining. Time to go play Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 with my husband.

A little frustrated

Why is it that whenever people notice that I'm not eating they ask, "Am I just not making food you like anymore?" Instead of, "Hey is everything ok?" My father-in-law is more worried that I don't like his cooking. He doesn't understand that I don't like eating all the time. I'm not like him. He wonders why he can't lose weight, well it's because he eats all the time. If he'd cut down a bit or at least cut out the junk food he'd start losing weight but what do I know? No one EVER listens to me around here. They always know best. It's not like I have a reasonably good idea ever. GAH! It's so annoying. Today's weight is 156.5 Not too happy about that. I'm going to take my diet pill and see if I can make it until after class tonight without eating.

. . .

I'm trying to write a paper for my English 101 class and I just can't seem to focus. I need a rough draft ready for peer editing in less than 12 hours. I'm not sure what to write so I'm just going to BS it. One problem is that I'm watching the movie  Reviving Ophelia. It hits way too close to home. . . Anyways, Today's weight is 157.0 I feel huge. I ate chicken strips, french fries, 2 hard boiled eggs and a banana nut muffin. Plus I didn't have time to work out because I woke up late and had to go with Zach to the doctor. So, I'm going to go and try to finish this rough draft so I can print it tomorrow.

hmmmm

So the hubby is getting better. He's been sick since Thursday. He had a temp of 102 last night. Now hes below 100 but just barely. I took my Psych test today and got a 90/100 so I've got a 97% in the class. I've got to start writing my rough draft for my English class by Tuesday. I don't know where to start. It's tiring. Today I weighed myself. 156.3 I guess I'm doing ok. I'm losing weight though it's not as quick as I'd like. I've still got 15 days to lose at least 6.4 lbs. If I keep going like I am now, I should be able to get there. Though I keep slipping up and eating too much. :-( It really sucks. I feel so fat. A friend from Michigan might be coming down sometime around or after my birthday. I'm pretty excited. My dad says he's going to try to come down sometime too. Let's see how that works out.

Fat

Not much happened today. I woke up at noon. (I finally got 9 or so hours of sleep) I took my diet pill and started cleaning. I kept cleaning until around 4 or 4:30. Then I took my vitamins. The combination made me sick feeling for a little bit. I threw up a little and started feeling better. I ate an ensure drink (250 calories)  and worked on filling out more surveys. I weighed myself. 157.5 lbs. I feel so fat. To make it worse I ate a can of mini ravioli. (500 calories) I was doing really good until I saw the ravioli. Hopefully I'll do better tomorrow. Maybe just some mashed potatoes for dinner and an ensure drink. I'm also going to try and get out to Walmart to find a better diet/nutrition drink.

Ick

So, I'm not feeling too hot right now. I only got 3 1/2 - 4 1/2 hours of sleep last night and I was only able to work out for a little over 15 minutes today before the water moving around in my stomach started making me sick. I did over 100 crunches though. So that's a plus. I've decided to actually start recording my weight on here so I have it somewhere that isn't going to get lost. Today my average weight is 158lbs. I feel so fat. I'm only 5'3". I shouldn't weigh that much. I haven't eaten yet though so I'm doing good with that. I had an ensure shake this morning and I'll probably have another one tonight. If I can function on just those for a little while, maybe I'll be able to lose the weight faster. I've lost 2lbs in 2 days. Not much but it's better than nothing I guess. I've still got 18 days to lose the last 8lbs that I wanted to lose before my birthday. By Thanksgiving I want to be down to 140 and by new years 130. My final goal is to be down to 110lbs by Valentines day. We'll see how this goes. Tomorrow I'm going to look at other nutrition shakes and see if I can find one like ensure that has less calories. Let's hope so. Time to go write because I can't seem to take a nap.  :-(

Update

Not sure what to say. I'm in a melancholy kind of mood. I got a couple surveys done for my survey websites. I'm hoping to start making some good money soon. My father-in-law is still jobless. We're thinking of looking into buying a car over in Jacksonville. It's like a 2002 or something and it's only $1000.00 I hope we get it because then I can start looking for a job again. I can't look for a job when I know I don't have a car to get to work in. There's only 23 days until my birthday. I'm not really looking forward to it. In fact, I'm actually dreading it. I haven't heard from my parents in a while. My mom answered my email finally but didn't say anything other than she couldn't help me. I haven't heard from my dad in 17 days. I'm learning how to pretend that I'm happy when I'm not and that I'm feeling better when I feel like throwing up. I'm just getting sick of my father-in-law worrying too much about me. Since he lost his job, he's been focusing on me. He doesn't worry about taking care of himself or trying to find a job. He fixates on me. He constantly asks if I'm ok and when I say that I don't feel the best, he pesters me for hours trying to figure out every little detail. Sometimes I just have a bad day. Sometimes I just get sick. Let me be. So now I've just learned to lie better. My diet still isn't working. :-(  Not sure what to do now. I'm trying to work on my photography and writing more but I don't seem to be making any progress. Oh well. Time to go find something to eat. I feel starved.

Blah

Today was ok. I woke up around 10 something. I got somewhere around 7 hours of sleep. When Zach got home he didn't want to go out to the pawn shops so he watched tv while I did stuff online. I tried catching up on my surveys but I've got a killer headache. I really wanted to get out and just go window shopping but I don't want to feel like I'm forcing him to do what I want to do. But then I feel upset because I feel ignored. Well after a while I checked my facebook. My cousin posted a picture of my dad wearing frilly underwear over his pants. It makes me realize how much I miss the way things were when I was little. I miss hanging out with my family members. I miss actually talking to my family and knowing what's going on with them. Evidently a couple of them are going to  be on The Price Is Right. I only know this because I read their facebook statuses. So now I'm in a bummed out mood because I realize that I'm never going to have that with my biological family. They've pretty much forgotten my existence now that I live in Alabama. I just wish things were different. I want to know what it's like to have a family that actually sticks together. I haven't talked to my mom in forever and the last time she bothered to say hi (which was on facebook chat) was to see if a status that I wrote (saying I was sick of trying) was about her. She didn't ask how I was, she didn't care. I wish they would change or I could just forget them.

Little update

Time for a little update.

Yesterday I had my first counseling appointment. It was just to set up everything and talk about if there is a history of family mental disorders and such. It went really well. I really liked the lady. I also found out that in December or early January I'll be able to get in to see a doctor for really cheap and I'll be able to get back on my medications. I was so happy. I also found out that I have the highest grade in my math class with a  101%! That made my day since I'm horrible in math.

Today sucked. I got crappy sleep and felt really sick when I went to class. Class wasn't that fun and I got a headache. When class was over I tried calling Zach but he didn't answer. Then I got in the car and tried to start it but it wouldn't start. I kept trying. People kept looking at me but no one offered to help. I got more upset when I kept calling Zach and he didn't answer. Finally the car started and I got home. We had a pretty big fight about it and worked things out. We added some liquids to the engine that were kind of low. Then I went and got some stuff to make sloppy joes. The car started fine at the grocery store. We ate and I got a worse headache. I took an Excedrin and did my homework. Now I'm getting ready to head to bed. Not looking forward to classes tomorrow though.

Trying to focus

Today has been pretty nice. Ron is visiting his brother in Illinois and Zach had class at 7:30am. I woke up around 11 something to just the sound of birds outside the window. It was really nice. I took my pills. (felt sick for a little bit again but it went away after a couple minutes) Then I went and got the mail and cleaned up the house a little bit. So far no weight loss. I've actually gained 2lbs. My blood pressure is going down so that's good. One of my bruises is getting better, the other is getting worse. It hurt to sleep on my left side (the one I normally sleep on) so that sucked. I finally got through 3/4 of my inbox. (paid surveys) I've still got 7 more to do. I gave up on studying for my test tonight. I just can't seem to read the textbook. When I do I get distracted or the words look fuzzy. I'm trying to write my speech outline (informative on borderline personality disorder) but I just can't figure out what I want to say. Maybe Zach can help me tonight. Then I've got to type it out and put on my flash drive for class tomorrow. (the outline not the actual speech) Then I've got an english test. (should be really easy) After that I've got my psych appointment. I called and figured out where it was. I'm getting even more nervous about it. Then in my math class I'll hopefully figure out what I got on the test last Thursday. I'll be sooooooo happy if I aced it. If I did, Zach and I might go out to dinner or something. I think I'm going to go obsessively exercise until I'm exhausted, then maybe I'll be able to study or write my outline.

Update on today and worries

After my entry earlier, we went out. Turns out pawn shops in Alabama are closed on Sundays. So we went home and I started thinking of things to do. (The D4 was giving me a lot of energy.) So we decided to go out to the shooting range and then to the store to find some glow in the dark stars for the walls and ceiling in our room. After I got ready, I went upstairs to take my blood pressure. (I've been having weird issues so I'm trying to keep an eye on it) Well Zach was up there getting the guns ready. When I was done I started going downstairs. I had socks on and I lost my balance. My feet came out from under me and I slid down 5 or so stairs. I grabbed the railings to stop myself. I twisted one finger and hit my elbow on something. Now I've got a bruise going on my elbow and one starting on my hip. Well we went out shooting, (pistols) and I did better than him. :-) yay. He does better with rifles. (I hate rifles) Well when we were done we tried to find the glow in the dark stars but didn't. Though I did find a bubble wand thingy that's been keeping me entertained. I tried studying for my psych test tomorrow, but I can't seem to focus. I'll study before class tomorrow. I'll also write my speech outline for class Tuesday. I uploaded some pictures from Disney on my facebook. I'm trying to upload some to deviantart but, again, I cant focus on something for too long.

I'm kind of nervous about Tuesday. I've got my initial appointment with a counselor at the Calhoun Cleburn Mental Health Center. I don't know the address so I have to call them tomorrow and ask. I don't know why I'm so nervous. I just don't know what to expect. I'm afraid of being told that I'm crazy and I'm not going to get better. I'm afraid of being told there's nothing wrong and I just need to get over myself. I'm afraid that I won't get along with the person and thus I won't be able to talk about intimate things that are bothering me. And somewhere deep down inside of me, I'm afraid to get help and get better. My problems have seemed to define me. I find who I am in them. I don't know. I'm just nervous. I know I need the help and I know it's good. I just don't know how it's going to go.

Day 1

Day 1 of the diet went ok. I didn't get the ability to exercise much because the floors were wet for so long. I did get 50 crunches in though. The D4 gives me a TON of energy. Though I do feel funny when I'm not moving around. It feels like my nerves are pulsating. I think I didn't drink enough water. I'm still really sore from exercising the other day though. I kind of feel like I need to throw up though :-( I woke up a half hour ago and took all my pills. I wonder if they react weird. I hope not. Well I'm off to go look at pawn shops. Zach wants to look at gun prices. I want to find something to entertain myself. I'd really like to find a cheap violin and teach myself to play.

Diet

So I decided to start dieting. I'm sick of being 5'3" and 150 something lbs. I feel huge though people say I look fine. I know it's just them saying that. I mean, would you really want to tell someone, "Yeah, you look huge, you should lose some weight." So I've figured out what I'm going to do. I'm not allowed to eat more than 900 calories a day. I've got to exercise away at least half of the calories I do take in. I'm also taking this weight loss dietary supplement called D4. Let's hope it works. I'm also going to be replacing two meals with a lean shake. I got strawberry flavored :-) I'm starting the diet today. Hopefully I'll keep track of everything on here. My initial weight is 152lbs. I've taken my vitamins and the D4. Though I did have a small meal at Aplebee's. Taking that into account I've got to start exercising soon. I've also got to drink more water.

Oh. We got the carpets all cleaned today. We needed to get it done today because my father-in-law is leaving tomorrow morning to go visit and help his brother with the farm up in Illinois. So we get the house to ourselves until sometime around Thursday or Friday. I'm pretty excited. I've still got to clean the two bathrooms, the kitchen, and the laundry room but I'll probably do that tomorrow when he leaves.

Yesterday and today

So yesterday was not my day. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I was really grumpy. My dad called because he thought that I called. When he talked to me he didn't really talk about me. He talked about Zach then Ron then about himself. Then he said he had to go. I sat around fixing my playlists on my ipod until about 4:48pm when I realized I had class. So I rushed around got ready and got on the road. I got about 5 blocks away when I realized I forgot to print off the powerpoint and I forgot my sunglasses. It was too late to turn around so I showed up on time and tried to get a mountain dew from the vending machine but it didn't want to accept quarters so I just went to class. When I got home I had to do an assignment and then I tried laying down. I found it really hard to sleep. I tossed and turned all night and at one point I accidentally punched zach in the forehead. I woke up an hour before my alarm, feeling like crap so I decided to turn off my alarm and just not go to my first two classes. Now I'm up and feeling like crap still. My stomach hurts and my head is pounding. I've got an exam tonight at 7. Let's hope it goes good.

Frustrating day

Today was one of those just plain frustrating days. I woke up grumpy because I didn't get much sleep. I think I may have dozed off for a total of 2 hours throughout the night. I just couldn't seem to fall asleep. I got up and went to the school. I tried getting a Mountain Dew before class but the machine gave me a diet which tasted HORRIBLE. (If you didn't notice, I HATE diet soda.) Anyways, my speech class went ok. We watched some famous speeches and I fought to stay awake. When class was let out early, I went over to the library to work on getting ahead in my math class. For a while it was nice and quiet except for a girl talking loudly on the phone. A short while later, the guy she was talking to decided to come see her. He was talking SO loud. It was like he was trying to talk over some voice that only he could here. Then he started walking around asking people why they were studying. I wanted to yell at him, "Because we're in the library. What else are we supposed to be doing? Throwing a kegger?" I got sick of it and left. I sat outside my class room for an hour before it started. I got some reading done though. Then in my English class, things got worse. First a girl was complaining because last Thursday we were told (in joking) that he might give those of us that showed up extra credit. She was upset because she didn't show up and she didn't think it was fair that those of us that are willing to show up every day might get some extra points for doing so. Then in class we went over grammar errors. Most of the things we went over, were things we learned in middle school. Somehow, so many people had completely forgotten those things. I started getting so tired of it all. They were simple mistakes like changing a comma into a period. When I got home I started yelling about how ignorant people are. I was so angry. I don't even know why I was that angry. I just got furious. Then when Zach got ready to head to a meeting, I decided to take a nap. I had some kind of nightmare and woke up a couple hours later. I was still angry but not as angry, though I did feel really crummy from my nap. Zach went to his tutoring and I went to my math class which made me almost as angry as my English class. I understand that I'm in a remedial math class but people in there are just . . . I don't even know what to say. Simple things like learning to change the less that sign to a greater than sign when multiplying or dividing by a negative number was so hard for them. They couldn't just accept that you change the sign when you multiply or divide by a negative number. They had to ask why. Then if the variable would always be greater than a number. (I have NO idea where they got that one.) Then when we were talking about set notation  { x | x<9 } they couldn't accept that you put the condition in the second part. They had to ask so many questions. Why can't people just accept something that will ALWAYS work. They need to know all these things that just confuse them even more and mess them up on the test. Anyways. I'm home now trying to relax. I want to sleep but I feel so jittery. I want to do something but I can't think of what to do.

Slow day

Today went ok. I woke up in a bad mood and I kept taking it out on people around me. After the anger, came the depression. I'm not sure what's making me so depressed. I just keep getting really bummed out about everything. Anything can make me cry. I wrote some more for a couple of my fan fictions but I keep getting writers block. When Zach got home, I drove to class. Everyone was driving SO SLOW but I got there on time. When I got there it was just me and Fain and we were trying to figure out if class was canceled or not. The class was locked. 5 minutes before it started though, it got unlocked and everyone showed up. Class was easy. I like that there are three people that I talk to and actually like talking to me. It's helping me show up every time. When I got out of class I tried to call Zach and see if he wanted something to eat but he didn't have his phone on him. I went home but then back out to get pizza. Now I'm sitting here, going over stuff for classes tomorrow. Let's hope I get enough sleep tonight.

Getting Started

So, I randomly decided to start a blog. I feel like I've been using my deviantart account as more of a blog and ranting spot than for my art so I'm going to try this for a while and see how it turns out. I'm doing this more for myself than for anyone else. I like having somewhere to just rant about what's going on in my life.

As of right now, things are going ok. I'm doing good in my classes at GSCC. I'm only missing classes when I'm truly unable to make it. I've got my initial psych evaluation with the new counselor on the 21st of this month. I'm hoping it goes well. I'll finally learn if I've actually got Borderline Personality Disorder or if it's just a combination of other things. I'm still looking for a doctor that will work with me without insurance. Either that or find some really REALLY cheap insurance. I'm hoping to find a cheap health center or something like that but I'm so tired of researching stuff. I just want to relax and be a student. My 21st b-day is in 43 days. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. Probably just hang out with the hubby and father-in-law. We'll see.

Ok. That's it for now. I think.