Words Fail Me

There's a lot I need to say to some people but the words just won't come out. Or if they do, they come out wrong.

I want my f-i-l to stop judging what I do. I understand he's constantly worried about his son, but I'm human too. I want him to take the time to understand my disorders and realize that I'm not normal. I don't function like other people do. I know that he worries that I'm going to do what his ex-wife did to him but I'm not her. I'm not just going to live off my husband until I find better. I love my husband. I wouldn't do that to him. I also want him to stop trying to keep an eye on me. He has a church that he went to down here for a while before he stopped. He liked it a lot. I found a church that I thought would be nice for me. Now he wants to go to my church with me. I'm glad he's going to start going back, but I want to go somewhere on my own. I don't want to deal with a phone call asking why I didn't go to church one day. I want him to let me figure out what I want to do on my own. I'm not his child. He has never truly accepted me as one of the family.

I want M to stop worrying so much about me. She's getting overbearing. She's taking me grocery shopping today because she doesn't want me going by myself. I'm almost 25 years old. I think I know how to go grocery shopping by myself by now. Also she constantly asks if I've eaten and gives me a mini lecture if I haven't eaten what she thinks I should. She was slightly upset that I didn't tell her I was sick on Wednesday. I'm not going to text her every time I don't feel well. I can handle myself. I need to figure out how to tell her to back off without hurting her feelings because I know no matter what, she'll take it as a personal attack. What it is, is that I'm not in the best of places mentally and I really need time by myself. When I finally accepted that I've got 5 months of living alone, I started to like the idea of not having to let someone know when I decided to take off to Mt. Cheeha at midnight. I feel like she's trying to be my mother and I don't need that. I haven't had my mother be very motherly toward me for quite a while now. M is acting like I'm a small child. I don't need it. I appreciate the thought but, a lot of the time, I just want to be alone. I don't need someone judging when I eat, what I eat, etc. If I don't want to eat for a day, so be it. My choice.

Ok. Now I'm sounding like a spoiled little child. I know this. This is what I mean by the words don't come out right. I get so worked up that I just start ranting. It gets so frustrating. I just want them to understand that I am able to take care of myself. I can handle this just fine. I know that if I get too depressed, I can just walk into the mental health center and talk to someone, or if it's after hours I can call their crisis line. I have resources. I don't want to fully push them away, but I don't want to feel like I'm constantly being watched and criticized. When I stopped worrying about being alone, I started worrying that I'll never be able to be alone.