Not Quite Goodbye

Today we brought hubby to Montgomery. It went better than I thought. We got to drive him down so I spent time with him then. We stopped at DreamLand BBQ and had lunch. Then we walked around a bit and went to the Hank Williams Museum. Finally, we made our way to his hotel and sat in the lobby for a while. My father-in-law and I left him there around 3 so that he could check into his room.

I cried a little when we were hugging goodbye and I was sniffling pretty bad as I walked to my car. I think my father-in-law might have cried in the bathroom for a minute. One thing I'm thankful for, is we never actually said goodbye. I think I would have lost it had we actually said those words. I can sort of live in a false belief that he'll be home soon. Though as I write this, the sadness is starting to come on a bit.

The drive home wasn't as bad as I was expecting. I drove and maybe that helped keep me focused on something other than how sad I was feeling. My father-in-law and I talked most of the ride and it was pretty nice. He wasn't overbearing and he didn't say anything about me needing to be strong. I think he understood that the less people ask me (how I'm doing, how I'm holding up, if I'm ok, etc.) the better I'll be.

My friend from group, M, on the other hand, doesn't seem to understand this. With every text, she would ask if I'm ok. I want to scream that no I'm not. I'm a mess. I'm exhausted, lonely, frightened, and lost feeling. She even called when I got home. I don't want to talk. I want to be left alone. She wants to see me tomorrow. I understand that she's just looking out for me and she's worried about how I'm holding up, but it's already too much. If I look bad or sound upset, fine ask me if I'm ok. But if I say I'm fine and sound fine, let me be. I don't talk about these things easily with people. It takes years and years for me to trust someone enough to tell them when I'm upset. My friend back up in Michigan, Babs, is the only one other than my husband that I can flat out tell them when I'm depressed. I've known Babs since I was in 5th grade. We've been friends for 14 years. I've only known M for a year and a half, and we've already stopped talking once.

Oh well. I'm just rambling now. I should get off here and take care of Button (our lab). She seems to know that I'm upset.