I'm not really used to alone time. Usually I have dishes to clean up, trash to throw out, errands to run, laundry to fold and put away. I wasn't ready for this. I hung up some pictures that we had been meaning to put up. It felt weird because I didn't have him here to give his opinion. When money comes in, I'm going to finish painting the trim in the dining room. I guess I could move around the living room, but like before it's weird without his opinion. To make it worse, I still have another day off.
He couldn't call tonight but he sent me a text with the address to send him mail. I'll finish my letter for him and put it in the mail tomorrow.
I don't really know what to say. I want to keep this blog updated, though no one really reads it, but I'm just so down that I don't have the energy to. I guess this will be a short entry.
Sunday, August 31, 2014
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
A New Hurt
Today went alright. I did the online survey about insurance, ordered new stickers for the license plate, emailed the people we're buying the house from, got my klonopin refilled, and set up an appointment with my counselor for next month. I also cleaned out the refrigerator and cupboards. Fairly productive day.
Then I text my friend Bri. She's really supportive. She'll be driving down here for my birthday in October. She'll probably have the kids with so I figure we'll go to the Birmingham Zoo or something similar that I haven't been to. The only down side, is what we started talking about. Her and her husband are trying for another baby. She had a miscarriage last month. I did what I usually do to give her baby mojo. I told her not to get pregnant. For some reason, that always seems to work. Suddenly she realized that it might make me upset talking about it. She felt bad but I played it off and told her she would have to give me baby mojo when hubby gets home in January.
It does make me a bit sad. I've been trying for 5 years now. Luckily I'll have Tricare soon and I'll be able to finally see a doctor and figure out what's wrong. I'm just terrified of what I might find out. If I get told that I can't have kids, I'm going to be devastated. I shouldn't think about that now. Just need to relax before bed and be prepared to start working again tomorrow.
Then I text my friend Bri. She's really supportive. She'll be driving down here for my birthday in October. She'll probably have the kids with so I figure we'll go to the Birmingham Zoo or something similar that I haven't been to. The only down side, is what we started talking about. Her and her husband are trying for another baby. She had a miscarriage last month. I did what I usually do to give her baby mojo. I told her not to get pregnant. For some reason, that always seems to work. Suddenly she realized that it might make me upset talking about it. She felt bad but I played it off and told her she would have to give me baby mojo when hubby gets home in January.
It does make me a bit sad. I've been trying for 5 years now. Luckily I'll have Tricare soon and I'll be able to finally see a doctor and figure out what's wrong. I'm just terrified of what I might find out. If I get told that I can't have kids, I'm going to be devastated. I shouldn't think about that now. Just need to relax before bed and be prepared to start working again tomorrow.
Monday, August 25, 2014
Not Quite Goodbye
Today we brought hubby to Montgomery. It went better than I thought. We got to drive him down so I spent time with him then. We stopped at DreamLand BBQ and had lunch. Then we walked around a bit and went to the Hank Williams Museum. Finally, we made our way to his hotel and sat in the lobby for a while. My father-in-law and I left him there around 3 so that he could check into his room.
I cried a little when we were hugging goodbye and I was sniffling pretty bad as I walked to my car. I think my father-in-law might have cried in the bathroom for a minute. One thing I'm thankful for, is we never actually said goodbye. I think I would have lost it had we actually said those words. I can sort of live in a false belief that he'll be home soon. Though as I write this, the sadness is starting to come on a bit.
The drive home wasn't as bad as I was expecting. I drove and maybe that helped keep me focused on something other than how sad I was feeling. My father-in-law and I talked most of the ride and it was pretty nice. He wasn't overbearing and he didn't say anything about me needing to be strong. I think he understood that the less people ask me (how I'm doing, how I'm holding up, if I'm ok, etc.) the better I'll be.
My friend from group, M, on the other hand, doesn't seem to understand this. With every text, she would ask if I'm ok. I want to scream that no I'm not. I'm a mess. I'm exhausted, lonely, frightened, and lost feeling. She even called when I got home. I don't want to talk. I want to be left alone. She wants to see me tomorrow. I understand that she's just looking out for me and she's worried about how I'm holding up, but it's already too much. If I look bad or sound upset, fine ask me if I'm ok. But if I say I'm fine and sound fine, let me be. I don't talk about these things easily with people. It takes years and years for me to trust someone enough to tell them when I'm upset. My friend back up in Michigan, Babs, is the only one other than my husband that I can flat out tell them when I'm depressed. I've known Babs since I was in 5th grade. We've been friends for 14 years. I've only known M for a year and a half, and we've already stopped talking once.
Oh well. I'm just rambling now. I should get off here and take care of Button (our lab). She seems to know that I'm upset.
I cried a little when we were hugging goodbye and I was sniffling pretty bad as I walked to my car. I think my father-in-law might have cried in the bathroom for a minute. One thing I'm thankful for, is we never actually said goodbye. I think I would have lost it had we actually said those words. I can sort of live in a false belief that he'll be home soon. Though as I write this, the sadness is starting to come on a bit.
The drive home wasn't as bad as I was expecting. I drove and maybe that helped keep me focused on something other than how sad I was feeling. My father-in-law and I talked most of the ride and it was pretty nice. He wasn't overbearing and he didn't say anything about me needing to be strong. I think he understood that the less people ask me (how I'm doing, how I'm holding up, if I'm ok, etc.) the better I'll be.
My friend from group, M, on the other hand, doesn't seem to understand this. With every text, she would ask if I'm ok. I want to scream that no I'm not. I'm a mess. I'm exhausted, lonely, frightened, and lost feeling. She even called when I got home. I don't want to talk. I want to be left alone. She wants to see me tomorrow. I understand that she's just looking out for me and she's worried about how I'm holding up, but it's already too much. If I look bad or sound upset, fine ask me if I'm ok. But if I say I'm fine and sound fine, let me be. I don't talk about these things easily with people. It takes years and years for me to trust someone enough to tell them when I'm upset. My friend back up in Michigan, Babs, is the only one other than my husband that I can flat out tell them when I'm depressed. I've known Babs since I was in 5th grade. We've been friends for 14 years. I've only known M for a year and a half, and we've already stopped talking once.
Oh well. I'm just rambling now. I should get off here and take care of Button (our lab). She seems to know that I'm upset.
Sunday, August 24, 2014
Next Chapter
I feel like I'm slowly falling apart. I've known for 6 months when my hubby was going to leave for basic training. I should have spent those 6 months looking for support groups or online groups to join and talk about how I'm feeling. I should have connected with other people who are going through the same thing. But I didn't. I spent it in blissful ignorance and pretending that I'd be alright. Well, I'm not alright. The last week I've been falling apart. I started getting sick about two weeks ago. Started as just my blood sugar being a little low. Then I stopped eating as much. Finally, I started getting sick at work. I had planned on working until Friday (the 22nd), but that didn't work. On Wednesday I got sick while working and my supervisor told me to go home. I contacted my boss and asked for the rest of the week off. Luckily she was understanding of what was going on and told me to take the time off to be with my hubby.
Then came the revelation of this evening. I won't be seeing him off on Tuesday. We're driving down to Montgomery tomorrow to bring him to check into his hotel. We'll get the rest of the afternoon to hang out and get dinner. Then his father and I will have to drive home. In and of itself, that isn't too bad. What bothers me the most, is that he (the hubby) decided to get drunk tonight. Any other night, 6 beers would make him a little buzzed but not much else. Tonight, for some reason, it made him drunk. Maybe he drank them too fast. I don't know. I just know that my last memories of being with him for the next 5 months, is going to be of him not making much sense while I cry.
It shouldn't be bothering me as much as it is. I know this. I've just always been overly emotional. Everyone that knows me, knows this. What most people don't know, is that I don't have any medication to help me through this. When I got this job, I missed an appointment with my counselor and with the psychiatrist. And now, I work during the week. Due to all my special requests around my hubby leaving, I'm afraid to ask for time off to see my counselor or the psychiatrist even though I know I desperately need to. The Lamictal that I was taking was giving me a rash. Since I work during the day, I haven't had a chance to refill my Klonopin. I'm not even sure if they'll give me a refill since I missed the appointment with the psychiatrist. All I know is I'm in for one rough month of figuring everything out.
Another problem is money. Hubby only worked 2 days last week and I only had 11 hours. After this pay check, he won't be getting paid for a while. They said he might not get paid until September 1st. That leaves me a month's worth of bills to pay on my lousy pay. Mind you, I won't have to worry about him eating or buying things. But the big problem is without the Klonopin, I turn to smoking to help deal with my stress. Not a cheap habit to have.
I have one friend whose husband was in the army. But she was around family and friends when he was in basic training. I'm miles away from most of my family and friends. I have my father-in-law whom I fight with on a semi regular basis, a friend from group that I'm worried will want to be around me a bit too much, and an old boss whom I haven't talked to in quite a while. The friend from group, I'm afraid, will be on constant suicide watch with me because she thinks I'll do something stupid when I get depressed. The only other person I can think of to talk to is my sister-in-law whose husband is the Captain Chaplain. But she wasn't there when he did training. She hasn't had to deal with him being gone for long periods of time yet. I just want to find one person that will understand what I'm going through and not tell me to just suck it up.
I don't know. I know I'm more worried than I should be. But I also know how hard the weeks were when hubby did over the road driving. Even then he was only gone for 2 weeks at the longest and I was able to talk to him every day. I'll be lucky to talk on the phone more than 3 times during basic. We'll be able to write letters but I doubt he'll be able to write me much. I'm just so stressed. I guess I'll try to get some sleep. He should be asleep by now.
Then came the revelation of this evening. I won't be seeing him off on Tuesday. We're driving down to Montgomery tomorrow to bring him to check into his hotel. We'll get the rest of the afternoon to hang out and get dinner. Then his father and I will have to drive home. In and of itself, that isn't too bad. What bothers me the most, is that he (the hubby) decided to get drunk tonight. Any other night, 6 beers would make him a little buzzed but not much else. Tonight, for some reason, it made him drunk. Maybe he drank them too fast. I don't know. I just know that my last memories of being with him for the next 5 months, is going to be of him not making much sense while I cry.
It shouldn't be bothering me as much as it is. I know this. I've just always been overly emotional. Everyone that knows me, knows this. What most people don't know, is that I don't have any medication to help me through this. When I got this job, I missed an appointment with my counselor and with the psychiatrist. And now, I work during the week. Due to all my special requests around my hubby leaving, I'm afraid to ask for time off to see my counselor or the psychiatrist even though I know I desperately need to. The Lamictal that I was taking was giving me a rash. Since I work during the day, I haven't had a chance to refill my Klonopin. I'm not even sure if they'll give me a refill since I missed the appointment with the psychiatrist. All I know is I'm in for one rough month of figuring everything out.
Another problem is money. Hubby only worked 2 days last week and I only had 11 hours. After this pay check, he won't be getting paid for a while. They said he might not get paid until September 1st. That leaves me a month's worth of bills to pay on my lousy pay. Mind you, I won't have to worry about him eating or buying things. But the big problem is without the Klonopin, I turn to smoking to help deal with my stress. Not a cheap habit to have.
I have one friend whose husband was in the army. But she was around family and friends when he was in basic training. I'm miles away from most of my family and friends. I have my father-in-law whom I fight with on a semi regular basis, a friend from group that I'm worried will want to be around me a bit too much, and an old boss whom I haven't talked to in quite a while. The friend from group, I'm afraid, will be on constant suicide watch with me because she thinks I'll do something stupid when I get depressed. The only other person I can think of to talk to is my sister-in-law whose husband is the Captain Chaplain. But she wasn't there when he did training. She hasn't had to deal with him being gone for long periods of time yet. I just want to find one person that will understand what I'm going through and not tell me to just suck it up.
I don't know. I know I'm more worried than I should be. But I also know how hard the weeks were when hubby did over the road driving. Even then he was only gone for 2 weeks at the longest and I was able to talk to him every day. I'll be lucky to talk on the phone more than 3 times during basic. We'll be able to write letters but I doubt he'll be able to write me much. I'm just so stressed. I guess I'll try to get some sleep. He should be asleep by now.
Monday, July 7, 2014
Broken Toilets and Empty Stomachs
The toilet in our main bathroom keeps leaking. It stopped when my father in law was here, but started after he left. I'll have him come over tomorrow to replace or fix whichever part is leaking. I don't think it's what he and the husband think it is. They think it's an internal piece. I'm pretty sure it's the part that comes out of the wall. But what do I know? Even if I'm right, they'll ignore me anyway. That's how it goes. I'm the woman so I can't possibly know what I'm doing when it comes to household repairs.
On a side note, I'm so hungry. Everything we have to eat in the house requires milk, which I don't have. I guess I could make some chicken broth soup stuff but that sounds awful. There's nothing left in the fridge (any leftovers are beyond bad, even the cupcakes have mold) I was going to order a pizza for take out, but realized just how expensive it was for me to get the kind of pizza I want. I don't have friends to call to bring me somewhere real quick. My father in law is probably drunk or asleep. I obviously don't have the car. This seriously sucks.I've been eating caramel dip for some reason. I guess you eat what you can when you're hungry.
I guess I'm going to go and try to fix the damned toilet myself and then play Ever Quest II.
On a side note, I'm so hungry. Everything we have to eat in the house requires milk, which I don't have. I guess I could make some chicken broth soup stuff but that sounds awful. There's nothing left in the fridge (any leftovers are beyond bad, even the cupcakes have mold) I was going to order a pizza for take out, but realized just how expensive it was for me to get the kind of pizza I want. I don't have friends to call to bring me somewhere real quick. My father in law is probably drunk or asleep. I obviously don't have the car. This seriously sucks.I've been eating caramel dip for some reason. I guess you eat what you can when you're hungry.
I guess I'm going to go and try to fix the damned toilet myself and then play Ever Quest II.
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
Feeling Lost
I've heard it said that losing a very close friend (i.e. having them abandon you) hurts as much, if not worse than losing a romantic relationship.
I am beginning to understand that. I want to cry but everyone expects me to act like it was nothing and that I'll be fine in a few days, if not in a few hours. I didn't just lose a casual friend. I lost a person who I thought was my best friend down here. I lost someone who I had told my deepest, darkest secrets to. She is who I went to when things got to be too much for me. She was the one keeping me strong when the urge to hurt myself got to be too much. I was the one she went to when she had no where else to go. I was the one she went to when she didn't understand something with her phone. I was the one who never bailed on any plans. Yet here we are. Strangers.
About a month ago she got into an argument with one of her other friends, because the other woman said she was sick but was just saying so to get out of plans. Later the second woman posted something on facebook saying "I hope you have fun with your new friend." It was directed towards me and M*. M* just laughed about it. She promised we'd never end up like that. Yet here I am.
I posted this on my Facebook wall the other day, ""When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand."
Henri Nouwen"
I thought she was that kind of friend. I hoped that I was that kind of friend as well. Apparently not. I know I sound like a little middle school girl who just broke up with her first boyfriend, but I really needed a support system for when hubby is off at Basic and AIT for 4 months. Now all I have is his dad, who I really don't get along with very well and get sick of very easily.
Last night I saw a post from another friend, K* my old boss, she went out with some girls. I think I'm going to just stop trying with her as well. I love talking to her, love seeing her for her lunch, but I never see her other than during that time. She's always working, and I feel so bad for how tired she gets. One night when I knew she had a couple days off, I asked if she wanted to come out. She said she doesn't drink much anymore. From the Facebook post, she still does just not with me.
The only real contact I have with my "friends" up north, excluding B* because I still talk to her on the phone and text a lot, is on the internet. Even then we talk for a little bit and then silence for months other than a "like" here or a "share" there.
It's not like I can go out in the afternoon and find some kind of hobby. Hubby needs the car home by 2 in case he has to leave early for work. It's times like this were I just feel hopeless.
I am beginning to understand that. I want to cry but everyone expects me to act like it was nothing and that I'll be fine in a few days, if not in a few hours. I didn't just lose a casual friend. I lost a person who I thought was my best friend down here. I lost someone who I had told my deepest, darkest secrets to. She is who I went to when things got to be too much for me. She was the one keeping me strong when the urge to hurt myself got to be too much. I was the one she went to when she had no where else to go. I was the one she went to when she didn't understand something with her phone. I was the one who never bailed on any plans. Yet here we are. Strangers.
About a month ago she got into an argument with one of her other friends, because the other woman said she was sick but was just saying so to get out of plans. Later the second woman posted something on facebook saying "I hope you have fun with your new friend." It was directed towards me and M*. M* just laughed about it. She promised we'd never end up like that. Yet here I am.
I posted this on my Facebook wall the other day, ""When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand."
Henri Nouwen"
I thought she was that kind of friend. I hoped that I was that kind of friend as well. Apparently not. I know I sound like a little middle school girl who just broke up with her first boyfriend, but I really needed a support system for when hubby is off at Basic and AIT for 4 months. Now all I have is his dad, who I really don't get along with very well and get sick of very easily.
Last night I saw a post from another friend, K* my old boss, she went out with some girls. I think I'm going to just stop trying with her as well. I love talking to her, love seeing her for her lunch, but I never see her other than during that time. She's always working, and I feel so bad for how tired she gets. One night when I knew she had a couple days off, I asked if she wanted to come out. She said she doesn't drink much anymore. From the Facebook post, she still does just not with me.
The only real contact I have with my "friends" up north, excluding B* because I still talk to her on the phone and text a lot, is on the internet. Even then we talk for a little bit and then silence for months other than a "like" here or a "share" there.
It's not like I can go out in the afternoon and find some kind of hobby. Hubby needs the car home by 2 in case he has to leave early for work. It's times like this were I just feel hopeless.
Saturday, June 28, 2014
Told You So
Went to friends house today. They were waiting outside. I knew what they were going to say before they said it. At first they were reluctant to hug me. I knew I was right.
M* said I was a bit clingy. (She could have told me this before and I would have backed off. My friend B* back in MI and I always hung out together so I thought it was normal). Also when she thought I was going to hurt myself the other week, she kept texting me and calling me to see if I was ok. She brought up how worried I was when they were sick as part of me being clingy. Hypocritical.
She also said that I was a lot younger than them. (They're 58 and I'm 24) D* had to add that she had grandchildren older than me. So evidently I'm only allowed to hang around the morons my own age. I've never gotten along with people my age. I would rather talk to someone who can hold an intelligent conversation, but I guess that's not my choice to make.
M* also commented on my sexuality. She wasn't comfortable with me being Bi (again she could have said something before and I would have never mentioned it.) Also she didn't approve of how hubby and I act in our relationship. (That's none of her damned business. She's never been married.) D* had to add in that when she was married it was just her and her husband. (Just because you don't understand it, it doesn't give you the right to judge on it.)
Finally M* said we just didn't click anymore. That hurt the worst. One day we're fine, the next it's not. I don't know what triggered it and I really don't give a f*** anymore.
I couldn't say anything. I just sat there and listened. I knew it was coming. I had partially prepared myself for this but others said it was probably something else. I knew better. When M* stopped talking I just got up gave them one last hug and started walking away. She said she still cares about me. I said I care about them too. Right now, I really don't.
She promised she would be there for me no matter what. What a joke. She was worried about me relapsing, oops. 119 days down the drain. My therapist will be disappointed but I don't even care. It's the only way I can cope right now. I lost two of my only friends. I tried texting K* my old boss, but she wasn't taking a lunch today so I can't talk to her.
I removed everyone from my old group therapy from facebook so none of them could keep up with me. I don't want any of them going back to M* and telling her how upset I am. I don't quite want to block their phone numbers yet, but I'm close.
I can't cry anymore. I got most of that out last night and as I was driving home today. I still want to cry my eyes out but the tears won't come. I feel so alone and hubby is sound asleep. Video games didn't work, chat room made it worse, I don't know what to do.
M* said I was a bit clingy. (She could have told me this before and I would have backed off. My friend B* back in MI and I always hung out together so I thought it was normal). Also when she thought I was going to hurt myself the other week, she kept texting me and calling me to see if I was ok. She brought up how worried I was when they were sick as part of me being clingy. Hypocritical.
She also said that I was a lot younger than them. (They're 58 and I'm 24) D* had to add that she had grandchildren older than me. So evidently I'm only allowed to hang around the morons my own age. I've never gotten along with people my age. I would rather talk to someone who can hold an intelligent conversation, but I guess that's not my choice to make.
M* also commented on my sexuality. She wasn't comfortable with me being Bi (again she could have said something before and I would have never mentioned it.) Also she didn't approve of how hubby and I act in our relationship. (That's none of her damned business. She's never been married.) D* had to add in that when she was married it was just her and her husband. (Just because you don't understand it, it doesn't give you the right to judge on it.)
Finally M* said we just didn't click anymore. That hurt the worst. One day we're fine, the next it's not. I don't know what triggered it and I really don't give a f*** anymore.
I couldn't say anything. I just sat there and listened. I knew it was coming. I had partially prepared myself for this but others said it was probably something else. I knew better. When M* stopped talking I just got up gave them one last hug and started walking away. She said she still cares about me. I said I care about them too. Right now, I really don't.
She promised she would be there for me no matter what. What a joke. She was worried about me relapsing, oops. 119 days down the drain. My therapist will be disappointed but I don't even care. It's the only way I can cope right now. I lost two of my only friends. I tried texting K* my old boss, but she wasn't taking a lunch today so I can't talk to her.
I removed everyone from my old group therapy from facebook so none of them could keep up with me. I don't want any of them going back to M* and telling her how upset I am. I don't quite want to block their phone numbers yet, but I'm close.
I can't cry anymore. I got most of that out last night and as I was driving home today. I still want to cry my eyes out but the tears won't come. I feel so alone and hubby is sound asleep. Video games didn't work, chat room made it worse, I don't know what to do.
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