Sick

I'm sick. Sick of always being the strong one. Sick of covering up all the pain and hurt. Sick of being the one everyone goes to when something goes wrong, but never the one they go to help. I just want for once to be helped. I want someone to see the signs: the red eyes, smeared make up, dark circles around my eyes, stomach pain, hoarseness of my voice. How is it that easy to ignore me? No one seems to ever notice the pain. Either that, or they just don't give a damn. I'm dying inside and just want someone to notice. I'm drowning and all I need is just one person to throw me a life jacket. I just don't know what to do.

I tried to see how much a counselor that specializes in BPD would be without insurance. $160 first visit and $130 every other visit. I can't afford that. Especially when I really need help (meaning I'd like to have a visit at least once a week). So, I'm not sure what to do. I guess I'll call around and see if any will be cheaper or will work with me on payment. I know I need help, and I want help, I just don't know where to find help that I can afford (that will actually help instead of just saying to "stop doing that" or to "get over it")

Time for bed. I guess. At least the xanax induced sleep is a slight release. Well, until I have a nightmare or I forget where I'm at.

Back

So, I'm back from my "vacation" in Michigan. First was my moms wedding. It went great. I got to give her away. I cried when I sat down. Then I spent time in Farmington Hills. Then back to Montague for cousins open house and a friends baby shower. Everything went really well. Except the loneliness. I really started missing my hubby. I hated being so lonely.

My friend was going to get rid of a kitten so she sent it home with me. Hubby was really excited.

Now things are getting rough. I'm so lonely. And its weird being in our house alone. (Well as alone as one can feel with a kitten and puppy). And I'm feeling exhausted. I can't sleep very long. When I do wake up, I'm not sure where I'm at. The first night the ceiling looked like a log cabin. Then last night it looked like millions of bugs were crawling on the ceiling. It's freaking me out.

Oh well. I guess I should finish cleaning house and get ready for bed.

A Load Off My Shoulders

I quit my job today. Well I had put in my two weeks notice two and a half weeks ago, but today was my last day. Surprisingly a couple people were actually sad to see me go. One, I think, almost cried. It was nice having people say they were going to miss me. It was nice to have a couple people hug me too. Especially the ones that surprised me. I'm not a touchy person but it means a lot when I get a true hug from someone. You can always tell an honest hug from an impersonal one. These were all honest and it was really nice. I turned in my discount card after I bought some more of the Vampire perfume (it was on clearance.)

I'm a little worried about the hubby. His truck wouldn't start last night. He might have to go have it looked at. That would mean another weekend alone. I think I'm starting to get used to it. I cried a little when I first heard that he might not be home this weekend. But now I'm ok. I think quitting my job helped release a LOT of stress that I've been holding in.

Now I can finally catch up with my homework in my ECO and MUS classes. I'm almost caught up in ECO. I'm not sure if I'll fully catch up in MUS. One bad class a semester isn't that bad. As long as I pass I'll still keep above a 3.5 gpa. I'm at a 3.8 right now because I messed up a couple classes last term.

Oh and last time I forgot to mention that I got one of my teeth fixed. It had a noticeable cavity and I didn't smile much because of it. My mom paid my dentist so I could get it fixed. It looks just like a regular tooth now. I actually like smiling now. :-) It's strange. I've been so lost, so down, so exhausted. Now I'm feeling better. I'm tired, don't get me wrong. I got up at 5:45 this morning after going to bed at 12:30am. But I don't dread tomorrow. Or next week. Or next month. It's great. I'm not even annoyed with the dog even though she's playing REALLY loudly with a soda bottle. It's funny. I love this.

So, yeah. Little worried about hubby not coming home but still doing good. Time to go play some long missed video games :-)

Falling into tiny pieces and getting scattered in the breeze

This having the hubby gone all the time thing is getting tough. I'm on my Xanax daily just so I don't fuss people at work out, or bust out crying like I did two nights ago. There's always something that bothers me. Last time, his trainer's truck had issues so the hubby was gone for two solid weeks. Now, he told me he'd be home early today. It's almost 7pm and he's still a couple hours away. He gets his own truck next week. Hopefully he'll be able to get home at better times with that. I just can't stand being let down so much. I got the house fully cleaned, rearranged two rooms, looked into paint for the bedroom, paid all the bills, and have been trying to exercise the dog more. I'm still behind in school. I put in my two weeks at work because I can't handle it all. My last day of work is next Friday. My boss said she's going to buy me lunch. I just wish she didn't work so much so we could hang out occasionally. I really need friends down here. I try talking to people in my depression chat room but all I end up doing is helping other people. No one ever offers to hear me out and help me. I tried talking to my mother but she didn't understand it. She unintentionally, or so I hope, patronizes me. She makes me feel like a child because I'm so lonely, depressed, and stressed. I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm allowed to feel %&*#ed up every now and then. Some days, like today, I just want to lay in bed and do absolutely nothing. But I can't. I have a dog that needs to be fed, let in and out, and played with, even if I feel like crying myself into a coma. I've tried telling the hubby these things but he doesn't quite understand to what extent I feel them. He does try to help but most of the time it feels half-hearted. Then when people say something stupid to me, I go off on a rage fit.

For example: One of the managers has an attitude issue with some associates, me included. I was printing signs for work and trying to do something productive since I didn't have any customers and there was nothing for me to do. She asked if I was done with the computer. I told her, "Yeah, I can be if you need it. I'll just finish later." I wasn't angry, I was trying to be extra nice since I knew she was already in a mood. Her response was demanding what I was doing. I explained that I was printing off signs. She then said, "Yeah because it's not like you have anything better to be doing." She was taking her stress out on me. I didn't say anything. I just snatched my signs off the desk next to her and stormed off. She called my boss asking about how to find something and told her that she pissed me off. My boss asked her what she did to me. Then the girl said she heard me crying. I had gone into our Human Resources office and tried to explain why I was upset but ended up crying my eyes out. This manager has been like this to me for months now. She's one of the reasons I'm quitting.

Then today I went to a home improvement store looking for paint. I just wanted to look for a creamy grey color that would go good with a picture I have. It's a thing that says:

Find your true love. Listen to your heart. Be passionate and fearless. Believe in love at first sight. Hold hands. Laugh nervously. Feel butterflies in your stomach. Be spontaneous. Write love letters. Be patient and kind with your words. Cuddle. Run away together.  Learn from each other. Be thoughtful and generous. Make each other laugh. Be romantic and impulsive. Grow old together. Create memories you will tell your grandchildren about. Kiss each other goodnight. Travel often and have adventures. Stay in bed all day. Remember why you fell in love. . . This is your happily ever after.

It's a white background with black boarder, black print except for the word love which is red. I showed the associate what I was working with. He read it and kept ragging on the fact that it had to be written by a woman . . .etc. Then he showed it to another guy. All I wanted was a suggestion of what f^%&ing paint to use. It was frustrating but I didn't say anything. When I get angry or upset like that, I just shut up and fume. When he went to answer the phone, I walked a couple isles away to look at window stuff. He found me and then decided to try and be somewhat professional and sell me some paint. I told him I had to talk to my husband. Then he went off on how my husband could stand that thing being in the bedroom. I wanted to punch him then run away crying. . .

When I got in the car I got a text from the hubby saying he might not get home until at least 9 tonight. So much for coming home early. Now all I want to do is take a crap ton of my Xanax and sleep. My heart aches so much. I can't even cry anymore. I've punched a couple walls, luckily they were stronger than me and only bruised my knuckles.

I've done everything I can to distract myself. Tv, movies, video games, homework, cleaning, washing, chatting. Nothing works. I just want someone to hug me and say I'm feeling normal things and it'll get easier or that they'll be there to help me. That's all I want is some effing support. But of course my husband chose to take a job where he'd never be home once we moved 1000 fucking miles from my family. Sorry about the language. I'm just really really hurt right now.


Ok, so there's my rant. And me letting y'all know I'm still alive. Even though I'm pretty sure no one actually reads this. I guess it's more for me to vent to a pretend someone and hopefully feel better.  Fuck it.

Falling apart

I'm losing it. I don't know how long I can keep up this facade. Husband has been gone since 2/25. In Des Moines doing trucker training. He'll be home Saturday afternoon until Sunday evening. Then training with another driver. He might be gone just during the week or he might be gone for 2 week stretches. I was ok until people started burdening me with their problems. I have my own crap to deal with. I'm not sleeping. I'm not eating. I barely make it to classes. I've lost almost 8 pounds since he left. I'm falling apart. I told my boss about my situation and she said she would give me the weekend off. What does she turn around and do? Schedule me to work Sat and Sun. It's bull. I'm so close to quitting. My father-in-law already quit. If I had some friends down here that understood me, it might not be so hard but I feel so alone. I'm just going to take some xanax and try to sleep. I'll go in to work tomorrow and talk to my boss and maybe the HR person. The HR lady's husband drove trucks for 30 years. She offered to talk if I needed it and I'm thinking about taking her up on that. I just feel so stressed. I need someone to just look me in the eye, say its going to be ok, and hug me. I can't stop crying and all I can do is think about all the crap I need to do for work and school. I just need time to stop for a while so I can catch up. If it keeps hurting like this, I don't know if I'll survive until I get insurance to get mental help. This really sucks.

Extra income

Anyone looking to earn some extra money (it's not much if you do occasionally but if you have extra time you can earn a decent amount), let me know. I've got an account with Toluna (surveys and polls and occasionally testing products), Superpoints (emails and offers), InboxDollars (paid emails and surveys), and SurveySavvy (surveys) among others. If you want to join one of those I'd love to refer you. Just send me a comment on here or email me at jones.ryanne@gmail.com and I'll send you the link to join. I've gotten money from both Toluna and InboxDollars. I haven't been working with SuperPoints very long and I stopped using SurveySavvy when I started school.

I'm doing this since my photos aren't selling and I'm not getting enough hours at work to be able to comfortably pay our bills. Thanks for anyone that wants to join.

Making changes

This year is going to be good.

This year I am going to love myself.

This year I am going to forgive people.

This year I am going to grow up.

This year I am going to start a family.

This year will be good.



The husband and I have finally decided to start trying to have a baby again. A couple weeks ago we started hinting to each other that we wanted one and that we thought we were ready. A friend (back in Michigan) found out she was pregnant the other day. (Completely a surprise, not planned at all) It made me realize that I really think I'm ready. I'm ready to stop smoking and drinking. I'm ready to stop freaking out about everything around me and focus on myself (during pregnancy). I'm ready to stop 'pretending to be an adult' and I'm ready to grow up. I see how much I love seeing other people's children and I love babying my puppy. At first waking up at night to take care of her was tiring. Now I'm used to it.
The only thing I need to work on is finding a good maternity insurance. My step-mother's insurance only covers in Michigan. I'm going to just look at regular insurances and see just how expensive they would be. My husband can still stay on his dad's for a while.
We have a house, we can pay our bills, we're getting close to having our degrees. I'm ready. He says that he wants this more than he's been saying. So now, it's time for me to relax, eat right, get healthy, and start trying. Wish us luck :-)