Messed up

So after I posted the thing about being SI free, I messed up. Then again two days later. I just can't help it. It calms me down. I keep getting frustrated and stressed and I don't know what to do about it. I think the medicine is helping a little but not enough for me to feel like it's worth it. I want to up the dosage but I don't know how to talk to my doctor. When I do get in to see him, he talks fast and tries to get me out of there as fast as possible. Then he doesn't explain what I can and can't do with the meds. I ended up slightly ODing on my xanax the other night. I'm only supposed to take .5mg for panic attacks. I took 3mg plus my sleeping pill. It was the night I had the fight with the hubby about me not knowing how to let him know I need him to take care of me when I'm sad. I felt like crap and really weak the next day. I slept on the car ride home from my husband's uncle. Then I laid in bed and didn't move for another hour. I'm doing ok now and I haven't taken much since then. Tonight I'm kind of down and not sure what to do. We got new cable so I could always watch movies or something. Or I could play video games since my husband is playing WoW. Well, goodnight those few that read.

Low

Another low. Can't stand it. Still it's only day 3 of my meds. To cheer me up earlier, me and the hubby cleaned out the car. Then he made dinner for us because I didn't want to go by the hot stove after being in the near 90 degree weather. Then for some reason he got in a grumpy mood too and we bickered. Then we just kind of shrugged it off. I want to spend time with him but he's getting sick and he keeps saying he wants his alone time. I try to give it to him but when is the us time? Having him not talk to me about stuff is bothering me too. I just want to cry. The past two nights he's fallen asleep in the living room. I don't even want to wake him up right now. If he doesn't want to bother coming to bed, then he'll sleep in a chair. I don't give a damn. I'm super upset and I don't know what to do. It's so annoying. Still I'm cut free. It's taking more effort than I thought.

On a brighter note. The world hasn't ended. . . yet.

I'm still here. . . I think

Ok. So, I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while. I just can't seem to find the energy to do anything productive.

Last week we went up to Illinois then Michigan. We stayed with my mom a couple nights and it was nice seeing her. I got to see my baby cousin as well. She's absolutely adorable. We saw my hubby's sister and husband and their little girl. When I told her that I had missed her she said, "missed you too." It was so cute. We saw friends while we were up there. I was more excited to see some than others. I fixed things with my old best friend. We hadn't really hung out since she had her little boy. We hung out and it didn't seem like it's been that long. I saw my dad for about an hour. It was odd. He didn't really talk much. It kind of upset me. It was really hard driving back to Illinois.

I've had a bit of a mental break down. I don't know what I want to do with my life and I don't want to end up like my parents. Plus I really miss having people to hang out with and talk to when I'm upset. I've been trying to make friends but they only talk to me online or in class. I can't seem to get people to want to hang out with me outside of school. Plus I've just started my meds again. I think the vitamin d is making my body ache but I'm not sure. I've made it two days so far.

I'm trying to write more and I'm trying to get more pictures done. I still have to go through the ones I took while in Illinois and Michigan. I'm re writing my old book. It's so hard. I've got so much in my head but my hands get tired when writing or typing it all out. And I'm having troubles putting the things in the right order. It's all just jumbled up in my head right now.

I'm still having problems with my father-in-law every now and then. I told him that the first week or two of anti depressants kind of suck and my mood jumps around a lot. So he asked why I even bother with them. I told him because if I don't take them I get suicidal. He was going to say something but then he did his usual "I'm just going to shut my mouth" thing. It annoys the hell out of me. I don't think he realizes how much it hurts to have him minimalise my problems. He says I need help but then when I try to do something he doesn't get it. Just because you don't understand why, it doesn't make it any less real. It's frustrating.

I've gone about a week without hurting myself. It's not that I haven't thought about it, I think about it daily, it's just I've been trying my hardest to keep it to a minimum.

Anyways. . . Yeah. I guess that's about it.

Lucky to be alive

http://www.aolnews.com/2011/04/28/violent-storms-smack-south-kill-at-least-85/?ncid=webmail

Can't believe we survived all the storms last night. Somehow our town didn't get hit by any of the horrible tornadoes that devastated our state. We're fine and so are our family members. I've had people calling, texting, and commenting on my facebook wall making sure we're ok. I was surprised that so many people wanted to make sure we were ok. Now I've been trying to get people in Michigan to let us know when they're available because we're going to visit the 7th-13th ish. We've got places to stay but no one is really saying anything other than they want to see us some time. I hate making plans like this last minute but hopefully I'll be able to relax and enjoy my vacation for once since I won't have any school stuff to worry about. I should be done with finals Thursday morning. Anyways, I just wanted to let the few of you that read this know I'm still alive. Please pray for all of those that were affected by this horrible weather.

F**K

Another fight. Frustrated. Going to cry myself to sleep. Whatever. F**K

Feeling sick

I finally got an appointment with my doctor for tomorrow morning. I can't do this anymore. I'm feeling really sick. I haven't eaten much in the past three days. I've had soda and my polish pickles (corned beef, cream cheese, pickles). That's it. I dropped from 158 to 155. Plus I feel like throwing up. I'm really dizzy and this headache keeps coming back. I'm going to take a shower and try to relax. I just felt like updating this while I had the thought to do so.

:-(

Ok I feel like shit right now. I'm really depressed. Last night I messed up and cut again. A total of 13 marks. I feel horrible about it. Luckily the hubby didn't notice. He's been sweet the past two days. Yesterday he bought me a stuffed animal because I thought it was really soft and I love huskies. (It's the larger TY Classic "Slush") While we were playing WoW, he kept bragging to a friend of ours about how awesome I am and how he's lucky to have me and such. Then this morning he came in as I was waking up with bacon, milk, and a beautiful flower in a glass of water. (Just a side note. He has NEVER brought me breakfast in bed so this was a HUGE surprise.) I love him so much but then I go into these deep holes where I can't see the good. All I see is the emotional pain weighing me down. It's like I'm in an emotional bubble that keeps getting smaller and smaller. I'm suffocating. My panic attacks aren't coming as often but they're getting worse. My insomnia is getting worse too. I didn't go to school all week except for one class. I've been taking anywhere from 1 & 1/2 to 2 & 1/2 xanax to get me to sleep. Last night it was 2 & 1/2. That's 2.5mg plus any alcohol and xanax I had taken earlier in the day. I just don't know what to do. My suicidal thoughts aren't going away. I still don't have any intention on acting on them but I'm getting sick of thinking of every possible way of getting out of this life. It's frustrating. Luckily that's giving me some more inspiration so I've been trying to write more. ravendarkstar.deviantart.com has a new peak at my new work. I kind of like it. I'm trying to develop it more. We'll see where it gets me. Anyways, it's 4:18 am and I don't know what to do. I can't focus on playing WoW anymore so I'll try to write some. I'll take a xanax now and hope it brings me down so I can sleep.