UGGH

Called in to work yesterday, then had today off. Turns out my boss's boss called and left a voicemail this morning while I was sleeping. I was so doped up on my meds that I didn't hear the phone ring or the notification for my voicemail. I finally woke up when I heard the text message sound. The text said:

Checking on you. How are things going? Tried calling no answer. Please let me know.

I called him back and explained that I was sick yesterday and today was my day off. He asked when I could come back to work. I explained I could come back tomorrow. I didn't know how to handle his tone. I don't know if he was angry, upset, bored, or whatever. I know I'm risking my job by "getting sick" so much. I just don't care. I'm dropping lower. I stopped the meds. They were bothering me. I'm only on the anxiety pills again. 

I called the mental health center to schedule an earlier appointment but it went to voicemail. This is really getting on my nerves. I'm hitting an anger and depressed spot at the same time. Not fun.

The cat is scheduled to get neutered on Monday. Hopefully I'll have the time to bring him in. If not, I'll have my father in law do it. It needs to be done. He peed in one of my good shoes yesterday. Now I've got all of our shoes in the bathtub soaking in spot cleaner and animal odor remover. ..... 

I'm so tired... of everything. I want to punch something or cry but I can't do anything. I'll just pick my husband up at the truck and act like I'm fine. Sometimes I think I should have been an actress. Everyone believes my masks. .......

Regressing

I feeling like I'm regressing. I'm back on my medicine, but I don't feel like they're doing anything. My moods are back to the same, if not worse than, before the medicine. I'm hitting extreme lows and my anger bursts are getting almost unbearable. Everything is upsetting me.

I called into work today because I felt awful. I couldn't pull myself out of bed. I wanted to just sleep and sleep. I took extra medicine to get some more sleep. I think I fell asleep around 9pm ish. I didn't wake up until 2pm. I still felt like I didn't get any sleep but the room was too bright so I couldn't sleep anymore. I feel bad calling into work because they really appreciate me and they say that they really need the help right now. (I clean a department store and the only other person I work with, my boss, is in the hospital for heart issues.) I just can't seem to bring myself to do the same thing over and over every day. I just want it all to stop. I hate it. I keep telling everyone that I love the job and I'm so happy to have it, but I'm just making people get out of my business a little bit.

I'm finding it hard to eat again as well. I feel ill a lot more now. I keep feeling like I'm going to throw up. My head hurts more often than not. Excedrin isn't helping anymore.

I just don't know what to do. I'm screaming for help but I'm screaming into a pillow. No one can hear me. I really don't know what to do. My meeting with counselor isn't until the 28th. I'm going to call tomorrow and see if I can get into see her earlier. It's just getting to be too much. God help me.

Road to getting better.

Step 1: Realize you need help. (Done)

Step 2: Make a plan to get help. (Done)

Step 3: Go to first meeting of help. (Done)

Step 4: Be honest. (Really hard, but Done)

Step 5: Go back to next meeting of help. (Jan 30th.)


Results so far: Possible signs of Borderline Personality Disorder but too early to tell.
Generalized categories: Bipolar cluster and Anxiety cluster.

I can do this. I'm ok right now. I was honest, even though that put me in more of a risk of forced hospitalization (If the suicidal thoughts comes back, which sadly they do a lot), but I want to get better. I'm going to lunch with my ex boss on Wednesday before my classes start for the semester. Got everything but my books for the classes. I'm going to go play Skyrim now just so I can keep the positive outlook going.

Sorry.

I might not be on for a while. Every now and then I may do a mini update, but that's about it. I'm having a really hard time right now. I minor OD'd two weeks ago (no hospitalization). I'm back into SI habits. I had to call a suicide hotline the other night as well. (the night of the OD). Things are just getting really tough and everyone I know seems to fit into two categories. They  either 1) don't want to bother listening to me  or 2) thinks I'm taking things too far. Either way, I don't have the support system that I need. I've got a psych appointment Jan 7th. It's a struggle just getting up each day. I don't want to be admitted to a hospital (no insurance and no money) but I'm running out of options.

Everyone that says they'll read my work and give suggestions, they're all too busy. One guy friend has finally offered to help, but it breaks my heart that the only person helping is a person I met while playing World of Warcraft. My writing has become my downfall. It's gotten darker again. With my mood, my writing follows. I'm almost to the point of killing off my main character just because I'm angry. I use my writing to help me deal with the real world and now, I barely have that. One person noticed that I wasn't ok (the day after OD) and they were too afraid to ask any further questions other than if I was ok. Just one time I want someone that's active in my life (no offense online friends but I'm not always online so you can't always help) to check and make sure I was ok. My hands alone would show that I'm not.

My husband and I are going down to Florida for a couple days around Christmas. Hopefully that will help a little bit. I doubt it, but it's worth a shot. My little cousin wants to see me and I might as well go, if only for the fact of making sure she's ok and I get a feel for her friends. (She's like a mini me and that worries me. Maybe I can put a little fear into the hearts of her guy friends so they know not to hurt her.)

Whatever. I'm done wasting the time of the few people, if any, who read this. Maybe I'll go write. Maybe I'll just go take my xanax and go into a comatose sleep. Maybe I'll just stare at a wall. Who cares. See ya later. Maybe.

I'm ok. I think

After I made that call to the suicide helpline last night, I felt a little better. She was a young and very helpful young woman. She wasn't the overly nice type (that would have probably made my bpd worse. the want to cling etc.) but she was understanding. She was proud that I knew I needed help and gave me the confidence to go and get that help. If I don't do it on my alone today, I'll set up a day to go in next week. I'm sort of hoping that my ex boss will be able to drive me in. Maybe I'll go in after I go out to lunch today. I'll need to look up the hours.

The lady on the phone made sure that I had something to do other than hurt my self. I told her that I should go to bed or watch tv. She thought that going to bed was a good idea. I tried but I couldn't sleep so I went into a depression chat room that I hadn't been into in a while. I talked to someone for an hour or two. Ironically they had a personality disorder as well. It was extremely helpful. We talked until they needed to go to bed. Then I finally decided to go  to bed. I'm doing . . .ok. . . today. I'm foggy from all of the xanax from last night.

I should go start getting dressed and look up info for calhoun county mental health center. I should also talk to the hubby, I'm not sure how to tell him that I called a suicide hotline though. Oh well, let's build up that energy and get that out there. Better than lying and not saying it at all.

Help

So, I kind of got help tonight. I called a suicide crisis line. A lovely girl around my age talked to me for a little while. She seemed somewhat new, or at least going off a manual of things they need to say. But it was ok. She was really friendly and was supportive. She reinforced the good idea that I knew I needed help and that I didn't actually go through with killing myself. She was proud that I knew I needed help. Just having someone to talk to at midnight was a relief. Hubby was too tired and didn't know what to say. I couldn't call my ex boss (she's early open tomorrow). There really was no one else. (Bff is preggers and I don't want to wake her) The pic of a "friend's" baby sent me over the edge. It broke my heart. Girls who don't want to be moms, aren't ready to be moms, and shouldn't be moms are all getting pregnant and having beautiful children. I'm stuck here wondering if I'll ever be able to have a child of my own. I want to be able to carry my child in my womb for 9 months. I don't care how sick I get. I don't care how fat I'll get. I don't care how huge and painful my chest will get. I just want to be pregnant with my child, carry them to full term, go through that awful birthing process, and just be able to hold my little angel in my arms. My husband and I have both been having these dreams about having children. At first it gave me hope. Now it's like a taunt. I just don't know what to do.

I got on a depression chat room and found someone to talk to me. They had NPD and were surprisingly really nice to me. We talked about the differences in our disorders and were able to connect quite well. They helped me a bit and they said that it was nice talking to me as well. I really should make it a habit to get back on that site. There are some good people to talk to at times.

I'm exhausted. 6mg of Xanax will do that to you. Maybe I can get some sleep. Got lunch with the ex boss lady tomorrow around noon. Maybe I can get her to follow me to the mental health center to at least fill out forms. If someone goes with me, I'm more likely to do something. I just need the cohones to get out there and get help. Oh well. Time to sleep.

HI. ish.

Got a decent amount of things done since the last update. I have half of my SOC paper written so far. I'm hoping to get it done some time later this week. I want to have it done before this weekend. I wrote the paper on the piece of renaissance art piece. She hasn't graded it yet, but I got it turned in. I finished my BUS take home test and turned it in this morning along with my homework. Now I have the chapter 6 take-home test. The teacher told me I had until next Monday to do it and the homework. I read all of the Edgar Allen Poe works and a couple extra ones for class. I still have to do the last two art tests online. One is due this Friday, the other is due next Friday.

The husband and I are thinking about trading houses with my father-in-law. It's looking to be like a lot of work, and I'm very stressed out about it. I'm worried about the money, me possibly getting a job, getting my last two semesters done, and just the whole moving process. I'm finding it very hard to sleep at night. My mind keeps racing. If we did this, it would mean very big changes, and I'm not really sure I'm ready for that. It would be a good thing for all of us, but it would take a lot of work.

I talked to my father-in-law this morning and he's finally going to try and go back to a counselor. I really hope this helps him, he's been acting a little different lately, and it has me worried. He hasn't seemed like himself lately. Even my sister-in-law noticed it when she was up for Thanksgiving.

On the note of having a new job, I had hinted to my husband that maybe I could go to a counselor and finally get my borderline personality disorder diagnosis, and maybe get on Social Security. If I did this, we would be able to better handle the big move if we decided to go with it. I don't really like the idea of being on disability, but I'm not sure if I'd be able to handle having a job right now, especially with my anxiety getting worse.

I guess I'll do my last day of the thankfulness thing.

11.30 I am thankful for my mother who still sends me little gifts, (okay not so little) even though I'm 23.

Oh well, I better get going and do something productive. Sitting around and staring at a screen in front of me is not a good thing right now. The husband got a nifty new headset for the gaming system so I might as well go play call of duty. It's not very productive, but it keeps my mind busy.