I'm ok

For now. My father in a law came over yesterday and helped put up some of the trim. He is supposed to come over today to help finish it but I'm not sure if he will. I "fixed" the patch of ceiling in the kitchen that had been torn when we had a lot of rain a couple months back. By fixed, I mean I glued the pieces back. You can still see that it's torn and broken but at least it isn't hanging down any longer.

I'm finally letting the dog sleep in the bed with me again. I had started making her sleep in her cage in the living room because I was having nightmares and I would wake up swinging. I didn't want to hurt her so I had her sleep somewhere else. After all the weird sounds and strange cologne smells, I decided to let her back into the room at night. I still leave the lava lamp on until I get tired enough to sleep, and I still turn on some relaxing music to help. I'm trying to wean myself from taking xanax to get to sleep. I need it to survive my classes more than to sleep. The zzquil stuff works pretty good when taken in excess.

I'm really bored right now (what's new). I was able to write 12 pages of my book last night. I don't really have the energy to type it all up yet though. I'm at 83 typed pages for my manuscript. I'm not nearly where I want to be with it but it's getting there. I figured it would be best to start with too much detail and be able to cut some of it out, than to not have enough detail and then have to force detail. I've been trying to get people to help me edit or give feedback. One girl loves it and says it's better than twilight. (She's only 15) My husband hasn't gotten past the first page. My ex boss said she would look through it but she hasn't given me her actual email address and she seems pretty overloaded with work. A couple other people from deviantArt said they would help. The only response I get is "It's really good. I wouldn't change a thing." I know I don't take constructive criticism well, but I was thinking at least someone would say something about grammar or anything. There's no way this book is that good that nothing can be changed. Even if there is no grammar errors, I'd like some kind of specific feedback,. like what they liked, what they didn't like. One person said that they were able to connect with the main character and was able to feel what she felt. That's it. I know I'm asking for a lot, but I just want someone to help me through this process. I understand that people are busy but those that volunteer, or even ask if they can help, I need something more than a 'good job'.

Ok. Done ranting. I think. For now. I should just go play some video games. I made meat and potatoes for lunch. It was delicious but now I feel sluggish. Yeah, definitely video game time.

Slope

On the slope downward. During the week I have school work to keep me busy. Then there is the house to clean, bills to pay, class to go to. Now it's Friday and I have a whole weekend alone ahead of me. I feel so low, I can't bring myself to clean (besides there's not much I can do until the hubby get's his mini fridge and microwave in his truck). I'm caught up with school work. I can't focus long enough to read or play a video game. All I feel like doing is crying for no reason.

Yesterday I went to lunch with my ex boss. It was nice being around another human. When I left, after saying hi to some other people, I drove around aimlessly for a while. I kept stopping on the side of the road to take pictures of random things. Luckily no one stopped to try and help me (I had my hazard lights on). I want to go through the pictures but my mind just won't focus.

Now all I want to do is listen to sad music and cry. I know it's not good to listen to sad music when you're sad, but it's all I can seem to do. I don't have anyone else to talk to or hang out with. I don't have the money to go out to the bar. I'm stuck in the house. I can't clean outside because there's a swarm of lady bugs, or whatever they're called, around my house. At least it's warm out..

So, since I don't know what to do, I guess I'll just go lay on the couch and listen to music. Fun day.
:-(

Preparing

Preparing for a long, lonely weekend. Hubby is still in Little Rock for training. I haven't heard from him all day. Yesterday he seemed happy about driving one of the trucks. When I talked to him before bed, he sounded exhausted. Today he becomes an official employee of the company. He will start hands on tarp training tomorrow until some time around next Thursday. I'm not sure what happens then. I don't know if he'll be getting his truck and a load, or just getting a truck and coming home. I truly hope he gets to come home but he isn't really talkative about plans. He'll get on a kick about talking about what he learned or what he's going to do (go to store, do laundry, etc.) but he's awful when it comes to telling me specific details about days and such. I understand he probably doesn't know about next weekend but he should have some idea of when his next training is and how long it will run.

Oh well. I guess I'm going to go back to working on my book. I've typed up 70 pages of my manuscript so far and I've got a couple more to catch up on. My ex-boss agreed to help read over it if she got free time. (She's really busy at work since they're doing all of the pre-Christmas setup stuff.) I'm really intrigued to see what she says about it. I would have my English teacher read it but he doesn't seem the type to like fantasy. Maybe I'll ask him after the test next week.

He did say he would look over the list of quotes I made for our test and email me back letting me know what he thought of them. I really hope he likes them, it may help me if I mess up on the test.


So yeah, I'm drawing this out. I've got nothing really to do. I went to lunch with my ex boss and talked to a couple people that I used to work with. Even after, I still have way too much free time. If I get bored enough, I guess I can go play video games but they just don't sound that appealing. Time to take a xanax and work on my book then.

Gone

The hubby left yesterday morning, much earlier than I had expected. His dad came over around 8 am to pick him up. I wasn't ready. I was under the belief that he would be leaving around 10am not 8. It was  a really sucky thing to have my husband leave the morning after my birthday.

My birthday was good though. I spent the day with the hubby. We went out to lunch at Red Lobster. Then we went and bought a video game. We also got a Bamboo Capture for me so I can edit my photos. My hubby got me some flowers too. Pink Lilies. My mom bought me a kindle. My dad called me around 4 in the afternoon. Then my step mom called around 7. They're sending some money in a card soon. No cards other than that. My father in law gave us $100 so we could go out to a nice dinner.

The house is freezing but I don't really want to put the heat on just in case we don't have the money for it. We really need to insulate the ceiling and get better seals on the doors. Maybe if my dad sends enough, I'll look into new seals or a small room heater that runs off electricity not gas.

Oh well. I'm rambling now. I'm going to go back to watching the Law & Order marathon and writing. Or maybe I'll turn on Interview with the Vampire. (Randomly got the idea from a cologne commercial with Brad Pitt in it.)

So so

Doing ok right now. Just got a 94 on my ART test. Got 100 on my ENG test. Going to get info about my next ENG test tomorrow via email from the teacher. Glad the hubby is home this week but not looking forward to Saturday. He'll be leaving for training and I'm not sure when he'll be back home. I really don't like that. And I don't like that there will be a week without a paycheck. I want to be there for him but I'm getting so exhausted. I just want to be taken care of. I don't want to do all the dishes and clean the house every couple hours. I know it's his week off, but COME ON. Pick up after yourself. I'm not the d&^%ed maid. I don't have the energy to keep up with classes, clean up every night, not take showers/baths every time I want to because the hot water is gone, take full care of the animals like I always do, do dishes 2 or 3 times a day, put down flooring, take a test, write a paper, read two long articles, and try to enjoy my time with him. Why can't he do the dishes or clean while I'm in class? It's not that hard to take a few minutes to clean up what you've done so I don't have to later. My kitchen still has crap EVERYWHERE from his old truck. Now I'm just working myself up into a frustration. Oh well. I'm going to go steal the bathroom while I have a chance and try to relax. It's a funny joke, but I'll try.

Hmmmm

Doing a little better now that the hubby is home. It was a little frustrating when he got home because instantly the house that I had worked so hard  to clean was now a mess. I'm still going through his stuff, putting things away while he watches things on netflix. We played a video game together, and we're going to buy one later this afternoon. (We pre ordered and put money down so it would be a waste if we didn't buy it).

We're going out to lunch/dinner with his father. (Mostly because he won't let us buy lunch.) Then we're sending our dirty clothes over to be washed. I really wish we had a washer and dryer. I've brought that idea up to my father but he hasn't offered help. (I know I shouldn't turn to him for help but he didn't help the first 18 years, he should help at least a little.)

Birthday is getting closer. 6 days. I'm dreading it even more. On a good note, my father-in-law is going to drive the hubby to Arkansas for training at new job so they won't have to leave until later in the day on the 27th. Still means I'll spend the rest of my birthday weekend alone. No one to go out with on Saturday night. No romantic weekend with the hubby.

But I don't blame him. I really don't. He's amazing. Yes, he frustrates me occasionally, but I'm sure I drive him mad a lot. I just blame bad luck. October is just a REALLY unlucky month for me. It always has been. I just wish it would change.

Well anyways, hubby is taking a bath and I need to be checking the financials. Going to lunch soon. Toodles.

Changes, changes, and more changes.

At first I was thinking things were settling out. Then they got worse. Now I'm just barely holding on.

A good online friend went MIA for a little while. Something had happened and she got very depressed. She tried to kill herself. I was extremely worried about her until she got in contact with me through email the other day. (She was reviewing parts of my book for me and I began to worry that something I wrote may have made her relapse.) I'm too afraid to ask so I'll never really know.

School is somewhat going better. I'm beginning to understand things in my English class more and (with the help of xanax) I'm able to participate a little more. Kind of sad that one of the best students in the class (according to my teacher) needs xanax to speak out loud. I was the only one with 100% on the test so he goes to me and one other student to ask what should and shouldn't be on the test. That's kind of funny. Except the other student is my creepy stalker.

Oh yeah, I haven't updated in a while so no one knows about my creepy stalker. Well extremely long story short, a guy got my number from a teacher (she said he could help if I fell behind) and would text me about random class assignments. Well his wife called (didn't say anything) then texted me. After a day (literally from 11am until 7pm) of texting back and forth, I find out the guy has cheated on her before and she was worried that this was another case. I calmed her worries and promised to keep an eye out if he ever took his ring off or started hitting on me hard core.

On to a super fun part. (I don't know how to make text look sarcastic.) The guy won't leave me alone. At first it was little comments about me being hot or beautiful followed by him saying he was just messing with me. Now it's just too much. He's making comments about me wearing low cut shirts and having a nice chest. (Yes I have bigger boobs but my tank tops aren't low cut. You can barely see cleavage.) Then two nights ago he asked if I was going on the jail tour with the class and joked about us hooking up. He kept talking to me before class until a guy friend (from a class a previous semester) came up and started talking to me. Stalker guy got the hint and left. Other guy had said that if I wasn't married, he'd hit on me but he respected my marriage and me enough to not try it. He offered to have a "talk" with stalker guy but I really didn't want any trouble started.

Just because of the "hooking up" comment the other night, I purposely missed the jail tour earlier tonight. I didn't want to deal with it. And luckily he didn't text me like he usually does. Maybe his wife was smart and deleted my number from his phone. Or maybe she checks his phone when he gets home. I don't care what it is that is keeping him from texting me, but I'm glad he's stopped. It was starting to bother my husband as well.

On to the changes with the hubby. Well the company he's working for right now has been a little frustrating. He wasn't getting home early enough and he was having to leave way too early. The loads  weren't paying enough for how far he had to drive. Each check has been less and less. Finally this week, it got to a point where we weren't sure he was going to get home (again). He has been looking into several different companies. There was one company with a dedicated out of Birmingham but they weren't returning his calls. He talked to another and they approved his hiring and told him to let them know whenever he made his final decision. They've been very cool with waiting until he is sure he's going to them.

Well, while he was on the road today, realizing that they weren't giving him enough time to get his load to it's destination, he had a bit of a panic attack. He called me and I had to talk him down until he got somewhere he could stop and breathe. (Kind of rough for a person with panic attacks to talk someone out of one.) When he stopped and calmed down, we talked about it and decided that it would be ok for him to quit today if he was to go off to orientation to the next place the day after my birthday (the 27th of this month).

One thing I didn't think about is the fact that there will be at least one week without a paycheck, one with a very crappy paycheck, and possibly a second week without a check. We now have our cable bill, power bill, mortgage, car payment, homeowners insurance, gas, and loan payment in that time table. Luckily we have $300 in savings in the (likely) event that these last two checks can't cover it all, but we were hoping to go out for the day and night for my birthday.

Oh well, what's another f*&^%d up birthday weekend. I've come to expect something to go wrong. Whether it's parents forgetting, fighting with parents, tornadoes, a death in my husbands family, or just being alone. There's always something. It's an expected inevitability.

So now I'm here at home, alone, with no one to go to. (Husband and father-in-law are in Indiana, ex-boss has to work early, and I have no actual friends down here.) I'm on the computer, crying, trying to distract myself and all I seem to run into is things that are upsetting me more.

I see people on facebook posting family fall pics (we don't have the money and hubby doesn't have the time), or girls are announcing they're pregnant or posting pictures of their babies (doc won't figure out why I'm not getting pregnant). I just, I don't know what to do. I was looking for positive but all I can find is negative. I'm throwing myself an amazing pity party and I'm the only one invited.

That's my rant for the time being. (It's not like anyone reads it anyways.) Hopefully this will help a little bit. Probably not. Now time to do some more research for my book. Like: How many ceiling tiles are in a doctors office or hospital room.