Hmmmm

Doing a little better now that the hubby is home. It was a little frustrating when he got home because instantly the house that I had worked so hard  to clean was now a mess. I'm still going through his stuff, putting things away while he watches things on netflix. We played a video game together, and we're going to buy one later this afternoon. (We pre ordered and put money down so it would be a waste if we didn't buy it).

We're going out to lunch/dinner with his father. (Mostly because he won't let us buy lunch.) Then we're sending our dirty clothes over to be washed. I really wish we had a washer and dryer. I've brought that idea up to my father but he hasn't offered help. (I know I shouldn't turn to him for help but he didn't help the first 18 years, he should help at least a little.)

Birthday is getting closer. 6 days. I'm dreading it even more. On a good note, my father-in-law is going to drive the hubby to Arkansas for training at new job so they won't have to leave until later in the day on the 27th. Still means I'll spend the rest of my birthday weekend alone. No one to go out with on Saturday night. No romantic weekend with the hubby.

But I don't blame him. I really don't. He's amazing. Yes, he frustrates me occasionally, but I'm sure I drive him mad a lot. I just blame bad luck. October is just a REALLY unlucky month for me. It always has been. I just wish it would change.

Well anyways, hubby is taking a bath and I need to be checking the financials. Going to lunch soon. Toodles.

Changes, changes, and more changes.

At first I was thinking things were settling out. Then they got worse. Now I'm just barely holding on.

A good online friend went MIA for a little while. Something had happened and she got very depressed. She tried to kill herself. I was extremely worried about her until she got in contact with me through email the other day. (She was reviewing parts of my book for me and I began to worry that something I wrote may have made her relapse.) I'm too afraid to ask so I'll never really know.

School is somewhat going better. I'm beginning to understand things in my English class more and (with the help of xanax) I'm able to participate a little more. Kind of sad that one of the best students in the class (according to my teacher) needs xanax to speak out loud. I was the only one with 100% on the test so he goes to me and one other student to ask what should and shouldn't be on the test. That's kind of funny. Except the other student is my creepy stalker.

Oh yeah, I haven't updated in a while so no one knows about my creepy stalker. Well extremely long story short, a guy got my number from a teacher (she said he could help if I fell behind) and would text me about random class assignments. Well his wife called (didn't say anything) then texted me. After a day (literally from 11am until 7pm) of texting back and forth, I find out the guy has cheated on her before and she was worried that this was another case. I calmed her worries and promised to keep an eye out if he ever took his ring off or started hitting on me hard core.

On to a super fun part. (I don't know how to make text look sarcastic.) The guy won't leave me alone. At first it was little comments about me being hot or beautiful followed by him saying he was just messing with me. Now it's just too much. He's making comments about me wearing low cut shirts and having a nice chest. (Yes I have bigger boobs but my tank tops aren't low cut. You can barely see cleavage.) Then two nights ago he asked if I was going on the jail tour with the class and joked about us hooking up. He kept talking to me before class until a guy friend (from a class a previous semester) came up and started talking to me. Stalker guy got the hint and left. Other guy had said that if I wasn't married, he'd hit on me but he respected my marriage and me enough to not try it. He offered to have a "talk" with stalker guy but I really didn't want any trouble started.

Just because of the "hooking up" comment the other night, I purposely missed the jail tour earlier tonight. I didn't want to deal with it. And luckily he didn't text me like he usually does. Maybe his wife was smart and deleted my number from his phone. Or maybe she checks his phone when he gets home. I don't care what it is that is keeping him from texting me, but I'm glad he's stopped. It was starting to bother my husband as well.

On to the changes with the hubby. Well the company he's working for right now has been a little frustrating. He wasn't getting home early enough and he was having to leave way too early. The loads  weren't paying enough for how far he had to drive. Each check has been less and less. Finally this week, it got to a point where we weren't sure he was going to get home (again). He has been looking into several different companies. There was one company with a dedicated out of Birmingham but they weren't returning his calls. He talked to another and they approved his hiring and told him to let them know whenever he made his final decision. They've been very cool with waiting until he is sure he's going to them.

Well, while he was on the road today, realizing that they weren't giving him enough time to get his load to it's destination, he had a bit of a panic attack. He called me and I had to talk him down until he got somewhere he could stop and breathe. (Kind of rough for a person with panic attacks to talk someone out of one.) When he stopped and calmed down, we talked about it and decided that it would be ok for him to quit today if he was to go off to orientation to the next place the day after my birthday (the 27th of this month).

One thing I didn't think about is the fact that there will be at least one week without a paycheck, one with a very crappy paycheck, and possibly a second week without a check. We now have our cable bill, power bill, mortgage, car payment, homeowners insurance, gas, and loan payment in that time table. Luckily we have $300 in savings in the (likely) event that these last two checks can't cover it all, but we were hoping to go out for the day and night for my birthday.

Oh well, what's another f*&^%d up birthday weekend. I've come to expect something to go wrong. Whether it's parents forgetting, fighting with parents, tornadoes, a death in my husbands family, or just being alone. There's always something. It's an expected inevitability.

So now I'm here at home, alone, with no one to go to. (Husband and father-in-law are in Indiana, ex-boss has to work early, and I have no actual friends down here.) I'm on the computer, crying, trying to distract myself and all I seem to run into is things that are upsetting me more.

I see people on facebook posting family fall pics (we don't have the money and hubby doesn't have the time), or girls are announcing they're pregnant or posting pictures of their babies (doc won't figure out why I'm not getting pregnant). I just, I don't know what to do. I was looking for positive but all I can find is negative. I'm throwing myself an amazing pity party and I'm the only one invited.

That's my rant for the time being. (It's not like anyone reads it anyways.) Hopefully this will help a little bit. Probably not. Now time to do some more research for my book. Like: How many ceiling tiles are in a doctors office or hospital room.

Day 8

Day 8 of being alone. Hubby couldn't make it home this weekend. He's 900 and some odd miles away. He says he'll be home early this weekend, early Thursday, but I doubt it. I was ok at first but now its getting hard. I go from angry to depressed to furious in seconds. I hate it. I just want him home. I went out to lunch with my old boss, trying to get in some social contact. It just made going home worse. I laid on the floor for a half hour, not having the energy to get up. When my husband hadn't called by 11pm, I sent hun a text saying goodnight. I was too upset to talk to him. Now I'm watching Body Of Evidence and once again trying to drink until I either stop feeling hurt or fall asleep. This is getting exhausting.

Sick

I'm sick. Sick of always being the strong one. Sick of covering up all the pain and hurt. Sick of being the one everyone goes to when something goes wrong, but never the one they go to help. I just want for once to be helped. I want someone to see the signs: the red eyes, smeared make up, dark circles around my eyes, stomach pain, hoarseness of my voice. How is it that easy to ignore me? No one seems to ever notice the pain. Either that, or they just don't give a damn. I'm dying inside and just want someone to notice. I'm drowning and all I need is just one person to throw me a life jacket. I just don't know what to do.

I tried to see how much a counselor that specializes in BPD would be without insurance. $160 first visit and $130 every other visit. I can't afford that. Especially when I really need help (meaning I'd like to have a visit at least once a week). So, I'm not sure what to do. I guess I'll call around and see if any will be cheaper or will work with me on payment. I know I need help, and I want help, I just don't know where to find help that I can afford (that will actually help instead of just saying to "stop doing that" or to "get over it")

Time for bed. I guess. At least the xanax induced sleep is a slight release. Well, until I have a nightmare or I forget where I'm at.

Back

So, I'm back from my "vacation" in Michigan. First was my moms wedding. It went great. I got to give her away. I cried when I sat down. Then I spent time in Farmington Hills. Then back to Montague for cousins open house and a friends baby shower. Everything went really well. Except the loneliness. I really started missing my hubby. I hated being so lonely.

My friend was going to get rid of a kitten so she sent it home with me. Hubby was really excited.

Now things are getting rough. I'm so lonely. And its weird being in our house alone. (Well as alone as one can feel with a kitten and puppy). And I'm feeling exhausted. I can't sleep very long. When I do wake up, I'm not sure where I'm at. The first night the ceiling looked like a log cabin. Then last night it looked like millions of bugs were crawling on the ceiling. It's freaking me out.

Oh well. I guess I should finish cleaning house and get ready for bed.

A Load Off My Shoulders

I quit my job today. Well I had put in my two weeks notice two and a half weeks ago, but today was my last day. Surprisingly a couple people were actually sad to see me go. One, I think, almost cried. It was nice having people say they were going to miss me. It was nice to have a couple people hug me too. Especially the ones that surprised me. I'm not a touchy person but it means a lot when I get a true hug from someone. You can always tell an honest hug from an impersonal one. These were all honest and it was really nice. I turned in my discount card after I bought some more of the Vampire perfume (it was on clearance.)

I'm a little worried about the hubby. His truck wouldn't start last night. He might have to go have it looked at. That would mean another weekend alone. I think I'm starting to get used to it. I cried a little when I first heard that he might not be home this weekend. But now I'm ok. I think quitting my job helped release a LOT of stress that I've been holding in.

Now I can finally catch up with my homework in my ECO and MUS classes. I'm almost caught up in ECO. I'm not sure if I'll fully catch up in MUS. One bad class a semester isn't that bad. As long as I pass I'll still keep above a 3.5 gpa. I'm at a 3.8 right now because I messed up a couple classes last term.

Oh and last time I forgot to mention that I got one of my teeth fixed. It had a noticeable cavity and I didn't smile much because of it. My mom paid my dentist so I could get it fixed. It looks just like a regular tooth now. I actually like smiling now. :-) It's strange. I've been so lost, so down, so exhausted. Now I'm feeling better. I'm tired, don't get me wrong. I got up at 5:45 this morning after going to bed at 12:30am. But I don't dread tomorrow. Or next week. Or next month. It's great. I'm not even annoyed with the dog even though she's playing REALLY loudly with a soda bottle. It's funny. I love this.

So, yeah. Little worried about hubby not coming home but still doing good. Time to go play some long missed video games :-)

Falling into tiny pieces and getting scattered in the breeze

This having the hubby gone all the time thing is getting tough. I'm on my Xanax daily just so I don't fuss people at work out, or bust out crying like I did two nights ago. There's always something that bothers me. Last time, his trainer's truck had issues so the hubby was gone for two solid weeks. Now, he told me he'd be home early today. It's almost 7pm and he's still a couple hours away. He gets his own truck next week. Hopefully he'll be able to get home at better times with that. I just can't stand being let down so much. I got the house fully cleaned, rearranged two rooms, looked into paint for the bedroom, paid all the bills, and have been trying to exercise the dog more. I'm still behind in school. I put in my two weeks at work because I can't handle it all. My last day of work is next Friday. My boss said she's going to buy me lunch. I just wish she didn't work so much so we could hang out occasionally. I really need friends down here. I try talking to people in my depression chat room but all I end up doing is helping other people. No one ever offers to hear me out and help me. I tried talking to my mother but she didn't understand it. She unintentionally, or so I hope, patronizes me. She makes me feel like a child because I'm so lonely, depressed, and stressed. I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm allowed to feel %&*#ed up every now and then. Some days, like today, I just want to lay in bed and do absolutely nothing. But I can't. I have a dog that needs to be fed, let in and out, and played with, even if I feel like crying myself into a coma. I've tried telling the hubby these things but he doesn't quite understand to what extent I feel them. He does try to help but most of the time it feels half-hearted. Then when people say something stupid to me, I go off on a rage fit.

For example: One of the managers has an attitude issue with some associates, me included. I was printing signs for work and trying to do something productive since I didn't have any customers and there was nothing for me to do. She asked if I was done with the computer. I told her, "Yeah, I can be if you need it. I'll just finish later." I wasn't angry, I was trying to be extra nice since I knew she was already in a mood. Her response was demanding what I was doing. I explained that I was printing off signs. She then said, "Yeah because it's not like you have anything better to be doing." She was taking her stress out on me. I didn't say anything. I just snatched my signs off the desk next to her and stormed off. She called my boss asking about how to find something and told her that she pissed me off. My boss asked her what she did to me. Then the girl said she heard me crying. I had gone into our Human Resources office and tried to explain why I was upset but ended up crying my eyes out. This manager has been like this to me for months now. She's one of the reasons I'm quitting.

Then today I went to a home improvement store looking for paint. I just wanted to look for a creamy grey color that would go good with a picture I have. It's a thing that says:

Find your true love. Listen to your heart. Be passionate and fearless. Believe in love at first sight. Hold hands. Laugh nervously. Feel butterflies in your stomach. Be spontaneous. Write love letters. Be patient and kind with your words. Cuddle. Run away together.  Learn from each other. Be thoughtful and generous. Make each other laugh. Be romantic and impulsive. Grow old together. Create memories you will tell your grandchildren about. Kiss each other goodnight. Travel often and have adventures. Stay in bed all day. Remember why you fell in love. . . This is your happily ever after.

It's a white background with black boarder, black print except for the word love which is red. I showed the associate what I was working with. He read it and kept ragging on the fact that it had to be written by a woman . . .etc. Then he showed it to another guy. All I wanted was a suggestion of what f^%&ing paint to use. It was frustrating but I didn't say anything. When I get angry or upset like that, I just shut up and fume. When he went to answer the phone, I walked a couple isles away to look at window stuff. He found me and then decided to try and be somewhat professional and sell me some paint. I told him I had to talk to my husband. Then he went off on how my husband could stand that thing being in the bedroom. I wanted to punch him then run away crying. . .

When I got in the car I got a text from the hubby saying he might not get home until at least 9 tonight. So much for coming home early. Now all I want to do is take a crap ton of my Xanax and sleep. My heart aches so much. I can't even cry anymore. I've punched a couple walls, luckily they were stronger than me and only bruised my knuckles.

I've done everything I can to distract myself. Tv, movies, video games, homework, cleaning, washing, chatting. Nothing works. I just want someone to hug me and say I'm feeling normal things and it'll get easier or that they'll be there to help me. That's all I want is some effing support. But of course my husband chose to take a job where he'd never be home once we moved 1000 fucking miles from my family. Sorry about the language. I'm just really really hurt right now.


Ok, so there's my rant. And me letting y'all know I'm still alive. Even though I'm pretty sure no one actually reads this. I guess it's more for me to vent to a pretend someone and hopefully feel better.  Fuck it.