Falling apart

I'm losing it. I don't know how long I can keep up this facade. Husband has been gone since 2/25. In Des Moines doing trucker training. He'll be home Saturday afternoon until Sunday evening. Then training with another driver. He might be gone just during the week or he might be gone for 2 week stretches. I was ok until people started burdening me with their problems. I have my own crap to deal with. I'm not sleeping. I'm not eating. I barely make it to classes. I've lost almost 8 pounds since he left. I'm falling apart. I told my boss about my situation and she said she would give me the weekend off. What does she turn around and do? Schedule me to work Sat and Sun. It's bull. I'm so close to quitting. My father-in-law already quit. If I had some friends down here that understood me, it might not be so hard but I feel so alone. I'm just going to take some xanax and try to sleep. I'll go in to work tomorrow and talk to my boss and maybe the HR person. The HR lady's husband drove trucks for 30 years. She offered to talk if I needed it and I'm thinking about taking her up on that. I just feel so stressed. I need someone to just look me in the eye, say its going to be ok, and hug me. I can't stop crying and all I can do is think about all the crap I need to do for work and school. I just need time to stop for a while so I can catch up. If it keeps hurting like this, I don't know if I'll survive until I get insurance to get mental help. This really sucks.

Extra income

Anyone looking to earn some extra money (it's not much if you do occasionally but if you have extra time you can earn a decent amount), let me know. I've got an account with Toluna (surveys and polls and occasionally testing products), Superpoints (emails and offers), InboxDollars (paid emails and surveys), and SurveySavvy (surveys) among others. If you want to join one of those I'd love to refer you. Just send me a comment on here or email me at jones.ryanne@gmail.com and I'll send you the link to join. I've gotten money from both Toluna and InboxDollars. I haven't been working with SuperPoints very long and I stopped using SurveySavvy when I started school.

I'm doing this since my photos aren't selling and I'm not getting enough hours at work to be able to comfortably pay our bills. Thanks for anyone that wants to join.

Making changes

This year is going to be good.

This year I am going to love myself.

This year I am going to forgive people.

This year I am going to grow up.

This year I am going to start a family.

This year will be good.



The husband and I have finally decided to start trying to have a baby again. A couple weeks ago we started hinting to each other that we wanted one and that we thought we were ready. A friend (back in Michigan) found out she was pregnant the other day. (Completely a surprise, not planned at all) It made me realize that I really think I'm ready. I'm ready to stop smoking and drinking. I'm ready to stop freaking out about everything around me and focus on myself (during pregnancy). I'm ready to stop 'pretending to be an adult' and I'm ready to grow up. I see how much I love seeing other people's children and I love babying my puppy. At first waking up at night to take care of her was tiring. Now I'm used to it.
The only thing I need to work on is finding a good maternity insurance. My step-mother's insurance only covers in Michigan. I'm going to just look at regular insurances and see just how expensive they would be. My husband can still stay on his dad's for a while.
We have a house, we can pay our bills, we're getting close to having our degrees. I'm ready. He says that he wants this more than he's been saying. So now, it's time for me to relax, eat right, get healthy, and start trying. Wish us luck :-)

Sorry

I haven't uploaded anything to deviantart recently. I haven't had the mental strength to. I had a mental break down the other day because my father can be so inconsiderate at times. Now I'm facing an even worse mental break down. Sears holdings corporation announced they are closing anywhere from 100 to 120 different sears and Kmart locations that were doing poorly with customer service and such. I had heard rumors that ours was going to be one of them. I was in denial. I thought it was just rumors from people pissed at sears. Now I'm starting to believe it. We have the lowest rating in district with phone answering. I constantly have customers complain to me about our cashiers being rude. I don't know what we're going to do. I'm going to have to drop my WoW account for sure. Probably get rid of both of our xbox live accounts. We can't really drop much more than that. We don't pay for our car insurance. I'm going to have to get my own plan for a phone next month. It'll be $135 to start but only $35 a month so that would be the equivalent of dropping wow and my xbox live account. I'm going to start searching for another job but I don't know how easy that's going to be. I'm probably going to have to go through a temping agency since the lady I had my English class couldn't find a job and she already has one degree. God please help us. We both work at sears so if they close, we're both screwed. If anyone knows any kind of job or way to make money in the Oxford, Alabama area, PLEASE let me know. Thank you.

dad (aka sperm donor)

OK so I'm having a super rough night. Last night while I was at work my dad called and left a voice-mail. He said to give him a call the next day but it sounded like something was wrong so I called him. He asked if I was at work and I said yes but that I could talk. He said, "Well we can talk tomorrow give me a call when you get up." I called this morning when I got up (1pm a little late since I had to take my sleeping pills to get to sleep) He told me he was on his way to go drink with some guys and that he'd call me later when he got back to the other bar. That was 6 hours ago. It shouldn't bother me so much but he's my dad. He blows me off for anything and everything. He's blown off seeing me (after not seeing me for almost a year!!!!) to play golf (which he plays every f*&^%$# day. Now he's blowing off talking to me to drink with guys he drinks with at least 5 times a week. I thought I got to a point where I didn't care. I thought I got to a point where I understood he's not a father, just a biological parent. I'm not there yet. I just want me to be someone's first priority.

I'm not even my husbands first priority. He had two days off in a row. All he did was watch TV and play video games. Every day off I get, I have to do dishes, clean house, fold laundry, and take care of the puppy. I just want a ME day for once. And I want someone to go out of there way to be nice to me. I bought my husband 4 gifts that he really wanted for Christmas. I went and picked out, and paid for, my gift.

I've been SI free for at least 2 months but now I want to more than ever. Maybe if I do, someone will notice, but then I'll blame it on the dog and they'll believe me. No one wants to see the real hurt or the real pain I'm feeling. They just accept what I pretend to be, but I'm not even a good actress. My lies are  so poorly made and the stories are so full of holes. I barely try, just hoping that someone will take that second to look through and see that something is really wrong and that I'm barely holding on but no one does. No one cares.

I just wish I had a friend down here that I could cry on their shoulder. The only people that I could do that with are in Texas and Michigan. I need someone so bad. I need someone to say it's going to be ok. I need someone to hold me and let me cry until the tears are gone. I have no friends down here. I have people to talk to at work but none of them are close enough for me to cry to. Plus I think they only talk to me because we work together. None of them ever want to hang out after work.

I'm alone in this house for at least another 6 hours. I just don't know what to do. I guess I'll do dishes and laundry like always and pretend that I don't hurt like hell inside because I know if I just sit here something bad will happen or I'll just go through this all over again tomorrow when I get out of work. God, I just wish I had someone to cry to.

Mini Update (full blown rant)

I'm still alive. And frustrated. And exhausted. And every other negative in the world.

Got the house, got the puppy. Both are going pretty good. Puppy wakes up in the middle of the night still sometimes to go potty. Husband doesn't seem to wake up to her loud whining so I end up the one taking her out. It's killing my sleep. I feel absolutely drained today. I had to get up at least 3 times last night to deal with the puppy. I'm going to try and get to bed early tonight. We'll see how that works. Father in law got upset about me going over my texts this month. Well if he wouldn't have cut my texting down, we wouldn't have this problem. I had 1000, but money got tight so it went down to 500. Then without warning he must have changed it to 250 without me knowing. I told him he could cut my minutes (I only use 15-30 a month) but he chooses to cut the one thing I always use. Whatever. And he won't let me pay for it. He just gets pissed. So I was thinking of changing to Virgin Mobile but the husband said we can't afford the switch right now. Oh so we could buy two new video games (MW3 and Skyrim) and he wanted me to buy that tv yesterday ($850) but I can't switch my phone to unlimited everything except minutes ($100 phone and $35 a month). Bull. If he wants it, we find a way to get it. If I want it, I have to fight tooth and nail and guilt trip him into letting me get it. And he wonders why I'm so effing manipulative. It's the only way I get anything. Like the puppy. I only got her because he said he would get me one for my birthday. Then we had to wait for the house. Finally I just went to the shelter and picked one out.

My mom and her fiance surprised us the other day. They showed up at our house at 8 in the morning. They live 13 hours away from us. It was really nice seeing them. I had been having a hard time with the holidays and it helped being able to see my mom. My dad still isn't really talking to me. I talked to him on thanksgiving for 3-4 minutes (A miracle by any means). We went out to Cracker Barrel with some of my husbands family for Thanksgiving. It was nice.

I'm still behind in most of my classes but I think I'll do ok. I have Wednesday and Thursday off of work so I'll be able to work on stuff then hopefully.

I've been pretty sick. Went to doc again for the coughing thing. This time I had a fever too. After coughing stopped, fever stayed. It's slowly going down now. It's been a week. If I don't feel better soon I'll go back. It really sucks.

Ok well I thought this was going to be a mini update but it ended up a huge rant. Oh well. Time to try and do some homework or sleep. Yay.

Birthday and such

I never actually got to post anything about my birthday so here is a condensed update. My mom never called but she said something on Facebook. I guess that is enough now a days. My dad called around 6 ish. My step mom sent me a text around 6:30. I got a card from my grandma and a picture from my mom. (it's a pic of an apple martini thing done by Godard) Other than that I got some comments on Facebook. One friend sent me a text. Hubby said happy birthday and promised a puppy when we get our house. Spent afternoon alone. Co worker came over then when hubby got home we went out for dinner and drinks. He picked the place. I chose the bar. Bartender felt bad or something and gave me 3 free drinks. Came home. Had another co worker come over. Drank and went to bed. Oh and got 100% on a history test. Can't believe I didn't even get a card from my dad. I even gave him one this year. Whatever. I'm just in a pissy and depressed mood lately. I'll update on the funeral some time later. I want to go to bed now.