Heartbroken and feeling lost

So the other day I posted this as my status on facebook:

Sick of being ignored and forgotten. Did me moving really make it that easy to just put me to the back of your mind? Am I that easy to forget?

 Instead of realizing that I meant this to all of my friends and family, my mom assumed it was just about my dad since I've been complaining about not getting my card in the mail. So she said

Rye...your Dad does not read this...give it up.

 Then she sends me an email on facebook saying this:

Not everyone vents on FB when they are let down. Like not even getting a Christmas card from their daughter. Seems that you have been so worried about getting something from your father that you didn't bother to send me a card or letter, not that I expected a gift. But to think that you would take the time to send a card would have been nice. You should consider that there are other people other than yourself that get their feelings hurt. The only time you call me lately is to see if I have talked to your father. Think how that would make you feel. You are an adult...time to take on the resposibility of it.
ok now I feel better that I vented too. Lets get over it ok?
I am not going to hold a grudge...you hurt my feelings...I am over it. Maybe you can get over your hurt feelings too. It is easier to come right out and tell someone. So go ahead ...your turn to tell me how I let you down.  

So I sent:

Sorry I didn't send a card. I had started making cards but never got to the post office to send them. As for the calling. At least I call you. You only call on holidays. I want to talk more. You're working. You've said several times that you'd try to call me later in the evening but never do. Sometimes I need to get stuff off my chest. I can't keep bottling stuff up. If you don't want to see it on facebook, block my posts from your feed. I've been worried about getting my Insurance card from my father. I need that so I can get back on depression medications and stop feeling like shit all the time. And thanks for making me feel even more like shit. All I'm trying to get is a little fucking reassurance that some people up in Michigan miss me. I have NO friends down here and all of my friends up there said they would visit or at least keep in touch and most of them barely do that unless I say something. You can't instantly assume that you know why I say what I say. I'm having a really rough time. There. . . I've vented. Happy? 

Her response:

By the time I get home at night from work...I eat and want to go to bed. I know that I should call back when I have the ability to talk and not want to go to bed. But some times it is hard to call when you are so negative all the time. I would love to talk to you, but we are both busy and don't always have the time. You cannot assume that just because people don't call you every day that they don't miss you. You have to realize that we all have lives to live also...not just you. You have got to stop feeling sorry for yourself and make your life happy. Only YOU can do that. Sorry if this makes you feel worse. It is time I said it and you need to hear it.
If you have something to say to me...just send me a message...don't bother venting on FB.
If you want to talk more. Call me on the weekend...when I am not working. I would be happy to talk.  

ok so I was talking to Jennifer and she says that she wishes Mom would call her more often. I guess I never thought about it. Maybe that is because I am not much for being on the phone. Never had wanted to sit and chat. I would rather type it out. SO maybe I am a awful mother...that I can accept. Sorry 

I don't get it. She says she gets upset when I only call to talk about my dad but she doesn't like talking on the phone? That makes no sense. She's not sorry whatsoever. She never is. Every time she attempts to say sorry it's near some kind of comment like "I'm an awful mother" or "how have I let you down" or "how have I failed you". She never outright says "Oh, I'm sorry, I  misunderstood." No! She could never say that. What would the reasoning be behind actually admitting that you were for once in your pathetic life, wrong. Whatever. I'm just sick of everything so I'm going to play some fucking video games. I can't deal with her shit anymore 

Sorry

Sorry I've been missing for a while. Sunday night we got our ice storm. I haven't had school all week. Monday afternoon, Zach and I decided to start playing World of Warcraft again. That's been taking a lot of my time but at least it's been a good stress reliever. I got my Abnormal Psych book in the mail today. I'm really excited about the class. I got the CD for my Spanish class the other day too. I still don't have the thing from my dad. Haven't talked to him in a long time either. I called him Monday and left a message. Then I called him yesterday and left a message. He isn't answering my calls and he's not returning my messages. I sent an e-mail to a woman he works with to see if she's heard from him. She hadn't seen him in a while but she sent a text to his boss to see if he was working. She hasn't gotten an answer yet. I'm starting to get partially worried and partially pissed. If he's not working I'm going to be worried. If he is, I'm going to be furious.

Getting really really really frustrated with Everything

So obviously I'm funneling and only hearing what I want to hear when I say I've never heard anything bad about a person. But when he says the most horrible over generalized stereotypes about people around us, of course he's right. It's not like he's getting old and senile or anything. There's no way that I could possibly be right. I'm only 21. He's in his 60s. This is so effing frustrating. I'm never right when it comes to conversations with him. And he ALWAYS over generalizes things. He makes broad assumptions about people based on some stereotype. Like all actors are jerks, all people of a certain race purposely put a bunch of stuff in their carts at a grocery store and then act surprised when they have to pay for it all. (I'm not kidding about the last one. This one lady that didn't have enough money for her stuff was in front of us at Walmart. When we got to the car he actually said she did it on purpose and everyone else of her nationality does it too.) I can't believe him sometimes. And to make conversations worse at the dinner table, he's a noisy, nasty eater. I understand it's a burger and it's pretty big so you're bound to make a little mess. But when I have to hear every slurp and groan when you eat, I just can't eat anymore. Which really isn't a bad thing. It keeps me from eating too much. But still, It makes me want to throw up and I really don't want to. Especially after my episode after the rum binge. I can't stand how angry I am with him right now. I don't know how to calm down. Video games just make me angrier. Writing isn't working lately because I just can't seem to have any creativity. I just want to scream. I've gone about 3 days without hurting myself. I'm trying to make it to 7 but I'm not sure how much more of this I can handle. I called my dad at 2pm today. That's 3pm his time. I left a message saying I was checking to see how he was doing (he was sick last weekend) and if he had sent my insurance card. I told him to give me a call back. Nothing yet. It's almost 5pm here (6pm there). Now he's ignoring me and it's pissing me off. I just don't know how to deal with these idiots. . .. I'm going to try and get some more of my fan fic done. Hopefully I can just listen to loud music and block everything out.

Don't know what to do

Still nothing in the mail from my dad. I don't know how to call and let him know that he's pissing me off. I've never been able to yell at him. I've always been daddy's little girl or papa's little princess. I want to scream at him and tell him that he's a sorry excuse of a person and that he's worthless and has never truly been there for me in my life. I want to tell him that he either needs to send me that card or several thousand dollars so I can get the medical attention and help I need. But no, I'll never say that. Why? Because I'm too scared of what he'll do. Not to me, but himself. I'm worried that if I tell him how much I don't like him and how much crap he's put me through, that he'll finally kill himself. I couldn't live with knowing it was my fault.

I'm really hungry but I can't find anything to eat. Everything is high in fat and high in calories. Nothing healthy. I ran out of bread yesterday. I was making turkey subs and one of those a day was almost enough that I wasn't hungry later. I have to find where my father in law was buying the bread and go get more without him telling me to eat leftovers. Greasy, fatty, calorie loaded, leftovers. Homemade pizza with all artificial ingredients. Spaghetti with greasy sausage sauce. I can't do it. I just want healthy stuff and I don't want to get grief over it. (My father in law seems to think it's "amazing" when I actually eat healthy stuff. Well I'd eat more if there was any good tasting healthy stuff around. But no, it's mostly unhealthy stuff or stuff that tastes like dog food.)

Anyways, sorry for my rant. I just need to get some of this out. I don't have anyone to complain to anymore. I used to have friends that would listen to how bad my day was but they're up in Michigan and moving on with their lives. I'm stuck down here. Friendless. It sucks. Ok. I really need to stop with the self pity. I'm starting to anger myself with it.  Time to go shopping for bread or something. Or listen to really loud music. Peace all.

Ick

I got the bedroom cleaned for the most part. I've still got to go through hubby's suitcase and put clothes away, put ornaments away, put the tree away, and vacuum. I also ordered my books for school today. $304. I can' t believe it, and I already had one of the books I needed. Still nothing in the mail from my dad. It's starting to frustrate me. I really need my effing insurance card. There are a lot of things I need to get taken care of. First is getting back on meds. Then getting other things taken care of like teeth and contacts. Gurr. .  I'm so frustrated. To make it worse, I got sick last night. I drank too much rum and ended up tossing and turning for three hours before finally throwing up. It was horrible. Especially since I ate spaghetti for dinner. Spices coming back up sucks.

Stupid Father

My father didn't call me today. He promised he would call today (Sunday) so that his wife could explain the insurance policy for me and explain how to file my bills and such. It's already 8pm there. He's not going to call. I'm really upset. I need that card and I need to know how to file stuff so I get reimbursed. I know he didn't send the letter yet. (It's Sunday) I don't know how to handle this. I'm so furious with him. I want to scream. On a good note, my father-in-law is being a little nicer to me.  He offered to bring me to a salon to have my hair fixed. (My roots are a LOT lighter than the rest of my hair. At least my hair isn't black anymore.)

One of my brothers-in-law and his family are stopping at our house tomorrow on their way back to FL from IL. I think They'll be staying the night. I'm not sure though. I'll be happy to see my nieces and nephews though. Their energy keeps me from fixating on things that are bothering me.

Happy New Year

Happy new year! I've decided to make a new years resolution. It's not one that's impossible to achieve, like becoming a millionaire. It's not one that I can mess up by eating, like losing 30 pounds. It's one that I've tried and tried but give up on. It's one that will be really hard. It's one I'll really want to give up. My resolution is to get the help that I need. I'm going to get back on meds. I'm going to find a good psychologist. I'm going to be honest with the psychologist. I'm going to find new, better behaviors. I'm going to start the healing process.