We Need To Talk

The four most frightening words someone can say to you. Well, to me at least. Friend was feeling better today so I saw her for a little bit. She seemed ok but something seemed off. I figured it was just her being exhausted.

She sent me a text a little bit ago asking if hubby was working tonight. I said yes. Her response was "we need to talk to you tomorrow." Meaning her and her roommate/friend. I asked why. She said it would be best if we all talked together. She said she would text me when they were both up so I'll probably have to wait until darn near noon tomorrow to figure out what the heck is going on.  I'm worried.

Nothing good has ever come from we need to talk. We need to talk: ______ has passed away. We need to talk: Your dad and I are going to try and get back together (after 16 years). We need to talk: (get's left in basement for over an hour after an argument). We need to talk: We had to put ____ down. We need to talk: I'm tired of having to be a parent to you all the time. We need to talk: You need to move back in with your mother. We need to talk: My friends are starting to comment on our relationship.

This time, I'm really worried. A million things are running through my mind. The one that stands out the most is this; We need to talk: I think it would be best if you didn't rely on coming over here so often.

If that's the case, I've lost all my friends. R* went back home when she was pregnant. K* is barely answering my texts. W* never goes through with plans. A* scares the crap out of me when we're alone. And if this is true M* and D* don't want me around.

You should never tell someone you need to talk with them unless you are ready to do so immediately. She could have said, "Oh just wondering." and "You should come over tomorrow." Now I get to spend the whole fucking night worrying what is going on. It's not like I can sleep. I just got up an hour ago.

I don't want to lose the only friends I can rely on. It'll break my heart. I'm already alone all the time. I know I'm needy and I love visiting them. I worry about them all the time. But I'm always there for them when I can be. I went and got them some groceries and food when they weren't feeling well the other day.

I just don't care anymore. I'm just going to take a crap ton of my Klonopin, smoke some cigarettes and try to forget it all. I've got roughly 14 hours before I'll know anything anyway. Fucking panic attacks.