Feeling Useless

So, my friend is now ignoring me.

Let me backtrack a little. When she did respond to me she told me she was just tired. I told her I was just worried about the psychiatrist visit and I didn't mean to pester her. she let me know how the appointment went. Luckily it went well. Then we started talking about getting my wisdom teeth taken out.

A couple days ago I told her that I had to have them removed. I told her I couldn't do it until I got insurance (Late August or early September) She suggested I do it next week since my hubby has the week off. I explained that I couldn't afford it. We can barely afford groceries and bills, let alone having 4 wisdom teeth pulled. She explained she didn't want me home alone when I had the procedure done because I would be on pain meds and have to go on a mostly liquid diet. I explained that my father in law could help me out by sticking around during the day or I could stay in his guest room.

Then she told me she was broke and her car broke down yesterday. I asked what happened. She said she was going to take it in and see what's wrong but she couldn't afford to fix whatever it is. I offered to take her out or bring her anything she needed today since I had the car until 2. She just responded with "I am tired and don't care at this moment." I asked if she was alright. She just said tired and stressed and she'd talk to me later. That was 7 hours ago. I was hoping that I could get a ride over there when Zach left.

So a little bit ago I text her other phone (the one she's giving to her roommate) and asked if they were alright. The response was just "Yes". I told her I was just checking because I got worried earlier. No response. I don't know if I've offended them or what.

After the conversation this morning, I went to Mt. Cheeha. I was really low and needed to do something. That's why I wanted to see my friend. I went up there and as I was sitting at the edge of Bald Rock, with the wind whipping through me, I had the worst thoughts imaginable go through my mind. I kept looking below me at the slight drop off. I wondered how far I would have to jump out so that I wouldn't just get hurt. That's all I could think about. The wind was strong, but it was pushing against me. I'd have to get a running start. Then I thought about how my husband wouldn't have the car to get to work and wouldn't know where I was. He'd assume I was at my friend's house and he doesn't know her phone number. Even when I want to end everything, I still think about how it would screw over someone else.

116 days clean from my "habit". I promised my friend I wouldn't. She promised if I ever felt the need, to call her and she'd be there for me. Well now I feel like I'm losing her so why bother keeping my promise? I still want her to be proud of me but I feel like I'm a leech or something bothering her. Who do you call when the only person you have to call, is having a rough time of their own. Suicide lines are for suicidal people. They don't have self-harm hotlines.

I hoped video games would distract me. They didn't. I hoped revising would distract me. It didn't. Maybe posting it all on here, where no one will read it but I'll get it off my chest, will help. But it isn't. I don't know where else to turn. I'm not even tired after being awake for 18 straight hours. I just don't know.