Told You So

Went to friends house today. They were waiting outside. I knew what they were going to say before they said it. At first they were reluctant to hug me. I knew I was right.

M* said I was a bit clingy. (She could have told me this before and I would have backed off. My friend B* back in MI and I always hung out together so I thought it was normal). Also when she thought I was going to hurt myself the other week, she kept texting me and calling me to see if I was ok. She brought up how worried I was when they were sick as part of me being clingy. Hypocritical.

She also said that I was a lot younger than them. (They're 58 and I'm 24) D* had to add that she had grandchildren older than me. So evidently I'm only allowed to hang around the morons my own age. I've never gotten along with people my age. I would rather talk to someone who can hold an intelligent conversation, but I guess that's not my choice to make.

M* also commented on my sexuality. She wasn't comfortable with me being Bi (again she could have said something before and I would have never mentioned it.) Also she didn't approve of how hubby and I act in our relationship. (That's none of her damned business. She's never been married.) D* had to add in that when she was married it was just her and her husband. (Just because you don't understand it, it doesn't give you the right to judge on it.)

Finally M* said we just didn't click anymore. That hurt the worst. One day we're fine, the next it's not. I don't know what triggered it and I really don't give a f*** anymore.

I couldn't say anything. I just sat there and listened. I knew it was coming. I had partially prepared myself for this but others said it was probably something else. I knew better. When M* stopped talking I just got up gave them one last hug and started walking away. She said she still cares about me. I said I care about them too. Right now, I really don't.

She promised she would be there for me no matter what. What a joke. She was worried about me relapsing, oops. 119 days down the drain. My therapist will be disappointed but I don't even care. It's the only way I can cope right now. I lost two of my only friends. I tried texting K* my old boss, but she wasn't taking a lunch today so I can't talk to her.

I removed everyone from my old group therapy from facebook so none of them could keep up with me. I don't want any of them going back to M* and telling her how upset I am. I don't quite want to block their phone numbers yet, but I'm close.

I can't cry anymore. I got most of that out last night and as I was driving home today. I still want to cry my eyes out but the tears won't come. I feel so alone and hubby is sound asleep. Video games didn't work, chat room made it worse, I don't know what to do.