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I feel like I'm slowly falling apart. I've known for 6 months when my hubby was going to leave for basic training. I should have spent those 6 months looking for support groups or online groups to join and talk about how I'm feeling. I should have connected with other people who are going through the same thing. But I didn't. I spent it in blissful ignorance and pretending that I'd be alright. Well, I'm not alright. The last week I've been falling apart. I started getting sick about two weeks ago. Started as just my blood sugar being a little low. Then I stopped eating as much. Finally, I started getting sick at work. I had planned on working until Friday (the 22nd), but that didn't work. On Wednesday I got sick while working and my supervisor told me to go home. I contacted my boss and asked for the rest of the week off. Luckily she was understanding of what was going on and told me to take the time off to be with my hubby.

Then came the revelation of this evening. I won't be seeing him off on Tuesday. We're driving down to Montgomery tomorrow to bring him to check into his hotel. We'll get the rest of the afternoon to hang out and get dinner. Then his father and I will have to drive home. In and of itself, that isn't too bad. What bothers me the most, is that he (the hubby) decided to get drunk tonight. Any other night, 6 beers would make him a little buzzed but not much else. Tonight, for some reason, it made him drunk. Maybe he drank them too fast. I don't know. I just know that my last memories of being with him for the next 5 months, is going to be of him not making much sense while I cry.

It shouldn't be bothering me as much as it is. I know this. I've just always been overly emotional. Everyone that knows me, knows this. What most people don't know, is that I don't have any medication to help me through this. When I got this job, I missed an appointment with my counselor and with the psychiatrist. And now, I work during the week. Due to all my special requests around my hubby leaving, I'm afraid to ask for time off to see my counselor or the psychiatrist even though I know I desperately need to. The Lamictal that I was taking was giving me a rash. Since I work during the day, I haven't had a chance to refill my Klonopin. I'm not even sure if they'll give me a refill since I missed the appointment with the psychiatrist. All I know is I'm in for one rough month of figuring everything out.

Another problem is money. Hubby only worked 2 days last week and I only had 11 hours. After this pay check, he won't be getting paid for a while. They said he might not get paid until September 1st. That leaves me a month's worth of bills to pay on my lousy pay. Mind you, I won't have to worry about him eating or buying things. But the big problem is without the Klonopin, I turn to smoking to help deal with my stress. Not a cheap habit to have.

I have one friend whose husband was in the army. But she was around family and friends when he was in basic training. I'm miles away from most of my family and friends. I have my father-in-law whom I fight with on a semi regular basis, a friend from group that I'm worried will want to be around me a bit too much, and an old boss whom I haven't talked to in quite a while. The friend from group, I'm afraid, will be on constant suicide watch with me because she thinks I'll do something stupid when I get depressed. The only other person I can think of to talk to is my sister-in-law whose husband is the Captain Chaplain. But she wasn't there when he did training. She hasn't had to deal with him being gone for long periods of time yet. I just want to find one person that will understand what I'm going through and not tell me to just suck it up.

I don't know. I know I'm more worried than I should be. But I also know how hard the weeks were when hubby did over the road driving. Even then he was only gone for 2 weeks at the longest and I was able to talk to him every day. I'll be lucky to talk on the phone more than 3 times during basic. We'll be able to write letters but I doubt he'll be able to write me much. I'm just so stressed. I guess I'll try to get some sleep. He should be asleep by now.

Broken Toilets and Empty Stomachs

The toilet in our main bathroom keeps leaking. It stopped when my father in law was here, but started after he left. I'll have him come over tomorrow to replace or fix whichever part is leaking. I don't think it's what he and the husband think it is. They think it's an internal piece. I'm pretty sure it's the part that comes out of the wall. But what do I know? Even if I'm right, they'll ignore me anyway. That's how it goes. I'm the woman so I can't possibly know what I'm doing when it comes to household repairs.

On a side note, I'm so hungry. Everything we have to eat in the house requires milk, which I don't have. I guess I could make some chicken broth soup stuff but that sounds awful. There's nothing left in the fridge (any leftovers are beyond bad, even the cupcakes have mold) I was going to order a pizza for take out, but realized just how expensive it was for me to get the kind of pizza I want. I don't have friends to call to bring me somewhere real quick. My father in law is probably drunk or asleep. I obviously don't have the car. This seriously sucks.I've been eating caramel dip for some reason. I guess you eat what you can when you're hungry.

I guess I'm going to go and try to fix the damned toilet myself and then play Ever Quest II.

Feeling Lost

I've heard it said that losing a very close friend (i.e. having them abandon you) hurts as much, if not worse than losing a romantic relationship.

I am beginning to understand that. I want to cry but everyone expects me to act like it was nothing and that I'll be fine in a few days, if not in a few hours. I didn't just lose a casual friend. I lost a person who I thought was my best friend down here. I lost someone who I had told my deepest, darkest secrets to. She is who I went to when things got to be too much for me. She was the one keeping me strong when the urge to hurt myself got to be too much. I was the one she went to when she had no where else to go. I was the one she went to when she didn't understand something with her phone. I was the one who never bailed on any plans. Yet here we are. Strangers.

About a month ago she got into an argument with one of her other friends, because the other woman said she was sick but was just saying so to get out of plans. Later the second woman posted something on facebook saying "I hope you have fun with your new friend." It was directed towards me and M*. M* just laughed about it. She promised we'd never end up like that. Yet here I am.

I posted this on my Facebook wall the other day, ""When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand."
Henri Nouwen"

I thought she was that kind of friend. I hoped that I was that kind of friend as well. Apparently not. I know I sound like a little middle school girl who just broke up with her first boyfriend, but I really needed a support system for when hubby is off at Basic and AIT for 4 months. Now all I have is his dad, who I really don't get along with very well and get sick of very easily.

Last night I saw a post from another friend, K* my old boss, she went out with some girls. I think I'm going to just stop trying with her as well. I love talking to her, love seeing her for her lunch, but I never see her other than during that time. She's always working, and I feel so bad for how tired she gets. One night when I knew she  had a couple days off, I asked if she wanted to come out. She said she doesn't drink much anymore. From the Facebook post, she still does just not with me.

The only real contact I have with my "friends" up north, excluding B* because I still talk to her on the phone and text a lot, is on the internet. Even then we talk for a little bit and then silence for months other than a "like" here or a "share" there.

It's not like I can go out in the afternoon and find some kind of hobby. Hubby needs the car home by 2 in case he has to leave early for work. It's times like this were I just feel hopeless.

Told You So

Went to friends house today. They were waiting outside. I knew what they were going to say before they said it. At first they were reluctant to hug me. I knew I was right.

M* said I was a bit clingy. (She could have told me this before and I would have backed off. My friend B* back in MI and I always hung out together so I thought it was normal). Also when she thought I was going to hurt myself the other week, she kept texting me and calling me to see if I was ok. She brought up how worried I was when they were sick as part of me being clingy. Hypocritical.

She also said that I was a lot younger than them. (They're 58 and I'm 24) D* had to add that she had grandchildren older than me. So evidently I'm only allowed to hang around the morons my own age. I've never gotten along with people my age. I would rather talk to someone who can hold an intelligent conversation, but I guess that's not my choice to make.

M* also commented on my sexuality. She wasn't comfortable with me being Bi (again she could have said something before and I would have never mentioned it.) Also she didn't approve of how hubby and I act in our relationship. (That's none of her damned business. She's never been married.) D* had to add in that when she was married it was just her and her husband. (Just because you don't understand it, it doesn't give you the right to judge on it.)

Finally M* said we just didn't click anymore. That hurt the worst. One day we're fine, the next it's not. I don't know what triggered it and I really don't give a f*** anymore.

I couldn't say anything. I just sat there and listened. I knew it was coming. I had partially prepared myself for this but others said it was probably something else. I knew better. When M* stopped talking I just got up gave them one last hug and started walking away. She said she still cares about me. I said I care about them too. Right now, I really don't.

She promised she would be there for me no matter what. What a joke. She was worried about me relapsing, oops. 119 days down the drain. My therapist will be disappointed but I don't even care. It's the only way I can cope right now. I lost two of my only friends. I tried texting K* my old boss, but she wasn't taking a lunch today so I can't talk to her.

I removed everyone from my old group therapy from facebook so none of them could keep up with me. I don't want any of them going back to M* and telling her how upset I am. I don't quite want to block their phone numbers yet, but I'm close.

I can't cry anymore. I got most of that out last night and as I was driving home today. I still want to cry my eyes out but the tears won't come. I feel so alone and hubby is sound asleep. Video games didn't work, chat room made it worse, I don't know what to do.

We Need To Talk

The four most frightening words someone can say to you. Well, to me at least. Friend was feeling better today so I saw her for a little bit. She seemed ok but something seemed off. I figured it was just her being exhausted.

She sent me a text a little bit ago asking if hubby was working tonight. I said yes. Her response was "we need to talk to you tomorrow." Meaning her and her roommate/friend. I asked why. She said it would be best if we all talked together. She said she would text me when they were both up so I'll probably have to wait until darn near noon tomorrow to figure out what the heck is going on.  I'm worried.

Nothing good has ever come from we need to talk. We need to talk: ______ has passed away. We need to talk: Your dad and I are going to try and get back together (after 16 years). We need to talk: (get's left in basement for over an hour after an argument). We need to talk: We had to put ____ down. We need to talk: I'm tired of having to be a parent to you all the time. We need to talk: You need to move back in with your mother. We need to talk: My friends are starting to comment on our relationship.

This time, I'm really worried. A million things are running through my mind. The one that stands out the most is this; We need to talk: I think it would be best if you didn't rely on coming over here so often.

If that's the case, I've lost all my friends. R* went back home when she was pregnant. K* is barely answering my texts. W* never goes through with plans. A* scares the crap out of me when we're alone. And if this is true M* and D* don't want me around.

You should never tell someone you need to talk with them unless you are ready to do so immediately. She could have said, "Oh just wondering." and "You should come over tomorrow." Now I get to spend the whole fucking night worrying what is going on. It's not like I can sleep. I just got up an hour ago.

I don't want to lose the only friends I can rely on. It'll break my heart. I'm already alone all the time. I know I'm needy and I love visiting them. I worry about them all the time. But I'm always there for them when I can be. I went and got them some groceries and food when they weren't feeling well the other day.

I just don't care anymore. I'm just going to take a crap ton of my Klonopin, smoke some cigarettes and try to forget it all. I've got roughly 14 hours before I'll know anything anyway. Fucking panic attacks.

Too Early

This is just too early. My husband woke me up as he was coming to bed. Now I'm awake. This sucks.

It's going to rain today so I can't mow the front lawn, even though it desperately needs it and the hubby hasn't listened to my advice of going to bed early so he can do it. I already mowed the back lawn.

I guess I could go back up to Mt. Cheeha again since I can take either my car or my father in law's car. I borrowed his car last night, hoping I could see my friend but when she didn't answer I called her friend and was told they were calling it an early night. I text her this morning. She's going back to bed and will let me know when she gets up. I might as well just return my father in laws car so I don't have to deal with him later.

I'll have our car until 2 ish. If I do get to see my friend, however unlikely, I can just have hubby drop me off and pick me up when he gets home. If I do stay there, I'll smoke on the front porch until he gets out. Or I'll call a cab or something. Screw it, she probably doesn't want to see me today either. I'll just return my father in laws car and go to bed. Take some Klonopin and Valium and sleep until I can't sleep anymore.

I'm already in an awful mood. This is not a good start to the day.

Feeling Useless

So, my friend is now ignoring me.

Let me backtrack a little. When she did respond to me she told me she was just tired. I told her I was just worried about the psychiatrist visit and I didn't mean to pester her. she let me know how the appointment went. Luckily it went well. Then we started talking about getting my wisdom teeth taken out.

A couple days ago I told her that I had to have them removed. I told her I couldn't do it until I got insurance (Late August or early September) She suggested I do it next week since my hubby has the week off. I explained that I couldn't afford it. We can barely afford groceries and bills, let alone having 4 wisdom teeth pulled. She explained she didn't want me home alone when I had the procedure done because I would be on pain meds and have to go on a mostly liquid diet. I explained that my father in law could help me out by sticking around during the day or I could stay in his guest room.

Then she told me she was broke and her car broke down yesterday. I asked what happened. She said she was going to take it in and see what's wrong but she couldn't afford to fix whatever it is. I offered to take her out or bring her anything she needed today since I had the car until 2. She just responded with "I am tired and don't care at this moment." I asked if she was alright. She just said tired and stressed and she'd talk to me later. That was 7 hours ago. I was hoping that I could get a ride over there when Zach left.

So a little bit ago I text her other phone (the one she's giving to her roommate) and asked if they were alright. The response was just "Yes". I told her I was just checking because I got worried earlier. No response. I don't know if I've offended them or what.

After the conversation this morning, I went to Mt. Cheeha. I was really low and needed to do something. That's why I wanted to see my friend. I went up there and as I was sitting at the edge of Bald Rock, with the wind whipping through me, I had the worst thoughts imaginable go through my mind. I kept looking below me at the slight drop off. I wondered how far I would have to jump out so that I wouldn't just get hurt. That's all I could think about. The wind was strong, but it was pushing against me. I'd have to get a running start. Then I thought about how my husband wouldn't have the car to get to work and wouldn't know where I was. He'd assume I was at my friend's house and he doesn't know her phone number. Even when I want to end everything, I still think about how it would screw over someone else.

116 days clean from my "habit". I promised my friend I wouldn't. She promised if I ever felt the need, to call her and she'd be there for me. Well now I feel like I'm losing her so why bother keeping my promise? I still want her to be proud of me but I feel like I'm a leech or something bothering her. Who do you call when the only person you have to call, is having a rough time of their own. Suicide lines are for suicidal people. They don't have self-harm hotlines.

I hoped video games would distract me. They didn't. I hoped revising would distract me. It didn't. Maybe posting it all on here, where no one will read it but I'll get it off my chest, will help. But it isn't. I don't know where else to turn. I'm not even tired after being awake for 18 straight hours. I just don't know.