I feel like I'm slowly falling apart. I've known for 6 months when my hubby was going to leave for basic training. I should have spent those 6 months looking for support groups or online groups to join and talk about how I'm feeling. I should have connected with other people who are going through the same thing. But I didn't. I spent it in blissful ignorance and pretending that I'd be alright. Well, I'm not alright. The last week I've been falling apart. I started getting sick about two weeks ago. Started as just my blood sugar being a little low. Then I stopped eating as much. Finally, I started getting sick at work. I had planned on working until Friday (the 22nd), but that didn't work. On Wednesday I got sick while working and my supervisor told me to go home. I contacted my boss and asked for the rest of the week off. Luckily she was understanding of what was going on and told me to take the time off to be with my hubby.
Then came the revelation of this evening. I won't be seeing him off on Tuesday. We're driving down to Montgomery tomorrow to bring him to check into his hotel. We'll get the rest of the afternoon to hang out and get dinner. Then his father and I will have to drive home. In and of itself, that isn't too bad. What bothers me the most, is that he (the hubby) decided to get drunk tonight. Any other night, 6 beers would make him a little buzzed but not much else. Tonight, for some reason, it made him drunk. Maybe he drank them too fast. I don't know. I just know that my last memories of being with him for the next 5 months, is going to be of him not making much sense while I cry.
It shouldn't be bothering me as much as it is. I know this. I've just always been overly emotional. Everyone that knows me, knows this. What most people don't know, is that I don't have any medication to help me through this. When I got this job, I missed an appointment with my counselor and with the psychiatrist. And now, I work during the week. Due to all my special requests around my hubby leaving, I'm afraid to ask for time off to see my counselor or the psychiatrist even though I know I desperately need to. The Lamictal that I was taking was giving me a rash. Since I work during the day, I haven't had a chance to refill my Klonopin. I'm not even sure if they'll give me a refill since I missed the appointment with the psychiatrist. All I know is I'm in for one rough month of figuring everything out.
Another problem is money. Hubby only worked 2 days last week and I only had 11 hours. After this pay check, he won't be getting paid for a while. They said he might not get paid until September 1st. That leaves me a month's worth of bills to pay on my lousy pay. Mind you, I won't have to worry about him eating or buying things. But the big problem is without the Klonopin, I turn to smoking to help deal with my stress. Not a cheap habit to have.
I have one friend whose husband was in the army. But she was around family and friends when he was in basic training. I'm miles away from most of my family and friends. I have my father-in-law whom I fight with on a semi regular basis, a friend from group that I'm worried will want to be around me a bit too much, and an old boss whom I haven't talked to in quite a while. The friend from group, I'm afraid, will be on constant suicide watch with me because she thinks I'll do something stupid when I get depressed. The only other person I can think of to talk to is my sister-in-law whose husband is the Captain Chaplain. But she wasn't there when he did training. She hasn't had to deal with him being gone for long periods of time yet. I just want to find one person that will understand what I'm going through and not tell me to just suck it up.
I don't know. I know I'm more worried than I should be. But I also know how hard the weeks were when hubby did over the road driving. Even then he was only gone for 2 weeks at the longest and I was able to talk to him every day. I'll be lucky to talk on the phone more than 3 times during basic. We'll be able to write letters but I doubt he'll be able to write me much. I'm just so stressed. I guess I'll try to get some sleep. He should be asleep by now.
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