She sat, crying alone, in her bedroom.
The small bed felt like an ocean swallowing her whole. The emptiness
and hurt grew inside her, filling her, crushing her. Her husband
slept quietly on the couch in the living room, just a thin wall
separating the two. Still, he didn't hear her sobs, her crying out
for comfort. She had tried to get him to come to bed, begged him
several times. Finally she gave him the ultimatum of either coming to
bed or sleeping on the couch. He chose the couch. Her heart sank,
wishing he would choose to be near her. She stormed off to her room
and sat on the bed. The notebooks in front of her were daunting. At
first she had planned to write while he slept, now all inspiration
had left her. The numbness gave way to anger. Anger that he would
choose the uncomfortable couch. Anger that she would once again be
sleeping alone. Anger that she had no one to turn to and confide in.
She took medicine hoping it would help. Triple the dose of Klonopin,
4x the dose of her sleeping pill, twice the dose of her
antidepressant. She waited for them to kick in but they weren't doing
anything for her. Still there was one thing, one bad habit she had
tried so hard to avoid, that she could turn to. The blade. It had
been almost two months since she had turned to her 'old friend' to
make the pain stop. As the pain built, she stopped caring about being
clean. She didn't care about the repercussions, the disappointment
from her counselor. She needed comfort and that was the only thing
she knew to turn to. She found her old box hidden in the back of the
closet. All of the necessary tools were there. The blade, the
washcloth, the hand sanitizer, the bandages. She paused for a moment,
trying to think of anything else to help but there was nothing. She
cleaned her skin, then the blade. Slowly she slid the glinting metal
across her pale skin. There was a prick of pain but nothing more. No
release like many times before. She cleaned the cut, still no pain.
She scratched the cut, needing to see the blood, needing something to
make her feel alive. Finally a thin line of red appeared. She
continued to stretch the skin until more blood came up. It wasn't
enough but she cleaned the wound and stopped the bleeding. After
putting her tools under the bed, within reach if she should need them
again, she went back to the notebooks. Still there was no
inspiration, no urge to even try to review and edit her book.
Frustratedly, she stormed into her study and lit up a cigarette.
Nothing was going to calm this pain and anger.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Saturday, February 8, 2014
Creativity
I found a website that has a lot of good writing prompts. I think I'll start writing them every couple days and maybe posting them on here and on my deviantart account. (Ravendarkstar) I think it would help me a lot to give my characters (from the book I'm writing) some more depth and personality. A friend read the first two chapters and he really loved it. I'm excited and nervous to start editing it then sending it off to publishers. I poured my heart and soul into that book and I'm scared of what others will think of it. But as my counselor said, There's nothing to lose from trying. Oh well. Just a little update.
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Rough Night
Backstory:
My hubby decided that he wants to join the Army National Guard. He went through MEPS and got cleared. He was going to swear in that day (last Tuesday) but the base shut down from the freak snow storm down here in the south. He's going back Thursday and Friday to get sworn in and sign his contract. He's wanted to do something like this all his life.
Now to explain my title:
I found out tonight that Basic Training is 10 weeks, AIT is another 6 weeks, then he has to go to jump school. I may get lucky and get a week or weekend between Basic and AIT but it's not a guarantee. I haven't been away from him anywhere near that long. Before I went to Michigan State University to be with him, I would see him on the weekends (whether it was him coming home or me going to visit). When he did over the road trucking, The longest he was gone was two weeks. Then he started driving local. That means he got home every night, well except for the one night he ran out of hours and had to stay in a hotel over night. I got used to him being gone for a week then getting 2 days with him before he left again. Now I see him every day. It's going to be rough on me having him gone for 4 months. I'm not sure if I'm really ready for this.
To make it harder, I don't have a job yet and I don't really have friends down here. I still talk to my ex boss once a month or so. When hubby was over the road, I had school to deal with. I just finished my associates degree. I'll graduate May 8 or 9 and I'm worried that I won't have anyone there for me. One friend up in Michigan says she's going to try really hard to come down. My mom didn't say either way and my dad said he would "try his hardest" which equates to "I should come down but I probably won't and come up with some excuse." I won't be able to throw myself into school until August, and that's assuming I get enough scholarships to cover tuition and books.
I'm just feeling so isolated. I'm happy that my hubby is doing what makes him truly happy. I really do. I hate seeing him come home from work in a fowl mood because of the way he's treated. I feel awful that he gets up as early as 1-2am to get going, especially for such crap pay. He's hoping that he'll get a job offer after he finishes Basic and AIT. If he doesn't, he might consider going full active duty. I asked if he wanted to do that. I guess I surprised him because the last time we discussed military, I was 19 and we had just got married. It scared the crap out of me. Now, I'm more concerned with his happiness than my petty fears. I just wish I had a better support network.
I've been crying for about an hour now. I had to take my crying into the study so he can't hear me. He's out cold on the bed with our dog. I don't want to let him see me cry. I don't want to stress him at all if possible. This will be good for us, I just don't know if I've fully grasped what it will all mean. I think this is the first time I've really let myself cry over it all. And I don't even know what I'm crying about.
On a good note:
I've been SI free for 35 days. I counted Jan 1 as my starting over point. It's not that I haven't thought about it, I've just been able to control the urges. I've picked up knitting to keep my hands busy. I'm working on a blanket for all those nights of insomnia that I'll spend out on the porch this summer. I do whatever I can to keep busy. I do stained glass for girls in my group, I made my "group mom" a scarf that I thought was a little short but it fits her perfectly. I'm hoping I can throw myself into knitting and stained glass.
Another thing causing me stress:
My student loans are needing payment because I couldn't take classes this semester. All of the stupid legal jargon is just so frustrating trying to figure it all out. I'm just so done with this crap tonight. My eyes are burning from staring at this computer so long and crying.
Peace out.
My hubby decided that he wants to join the Army National Guard. He went through MEPS and got cleared. He was going to swear in that day (last Tuesday) but the base shut down from the freak snow storm down here in the south. He's going back Thursday and Friday to get sworn in and sign his contract. He's wanted to do something like this all his life.
Now to explain my title:
I found out tonight that Basic Training is 10 weeks, AIT is another 6 weeks, then he has to go to jump school. I may get lucky and get a week or weekend between Basic and AIT but it's not a guarantee. I haven't been away from him anywhere near that long. Before I went to Michigan State University to be with him, I would see him on the weekends (whether it was him coming home or me going to visit). When he did over the road trucking, The longest he was gone was two weeks. Then he started driving local. That means he got home every night, well except for the one night he ran out of hours and had to stay in a hotel over night. I got used to him being gone for a week then getting 2 days with him before he left again. Now I see him every day. It's going to be rough on me having him gone for 4 months. I'm not sure if I'm really ready for this.
To make it harder, I don't have a job yet and I don't really have friends down here. I still talk to my ex boss once a month or so. When hubby was over the road, I had school to deal with. I just finished my associates degree. I'll graduate May 8 or 9 and I'm worried that I won't have anyone there for me. One friend up in Michigan says she's going to try really hard to come down. My mom didn't say either way and my dad said he would "try his hardest" which equates to "I should come down but I probably won't and come up with some excuse." I won't be able to throw myself into school until August, and that's assuming I get enough scholarships to cover tuition and books.
I'm just feeling so isolated. I'm happy that my hubby is doing what makes him truly happy. I really do. I hate seeing him come home from work in a fowl mood because of the way he's treated. I feel awful that he gets up as early as 1-2am to get going, especially for such crap pay. He's hoping that he'll get a job offer after he finishes Basic and AIT. If he doesn't, he might consider going full active duty. I asked if he wanted to do that. I guess I surprised him because the last time we discussed military, I was 19 and we had just got married. It scared the crap out of me. Now, I'm more concerned with his happiness than my petty fears. I just wish I had a better support network.
I've been crying for about an hour now. I had to take my crying into the study so he can't hear me. He's out cold on the bed with our dog. I don't want to let him see me cry. I don't want to stress him at all if possible. This will be good for us, I just don't know if I've fully grasped what it will all mean. I think this is the first time I've really let myself cry over it all. And I don't even know what I'm crying about.
On a good note:
I've been SI free for 35 days. I counted Jan 1 as my starting over point. It's not that I haven't thought about it, I've just been able to control the urges. I've picked up knitting to keep my hands busy. I'm working on a blanket for all those nights of insomnia that I'll spend out on the porch this summer. I do whatever I can to keep busy. I do stained glass for girls in my group, I made my "group mom" a scarf that I thought was a little short but it fits her perfectly. I'm hoping I can throw myself into knitting and stained glass.
Another thing causing me stress:
My student loans are needing payment because I couldn't take classes this semester. All of the stupid legal jargon is just so frustrating trying to figure it all out. I'm just so done with this crap tonight. My eyes are burning from staring at this computer so long and crying.
Peace out.
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Writing
I've started writing again. Sort of. Well it's really late at night and I can't think of anything to do so I just start writing. Somehow everything ends up some kind of fan fiction. I'm trying to steer away from all of that so I can try to get something published. I sort of finished my one book but I want to go through and edit it. I think I need to print it off and have something to write on but it's really long. Like almost 200 pages long. I'll have to find somewhere cheap to have it printed. I guess I should google that. I just am so scared to have it finalized and sent off to publishing companies. I want it published but I'm so afraid of what others will think of it. I guess I shouldn't care and just write for myself and see if anyone likes it. If not, no harm done. Right? I hope so. Tonight I started another piece. It's rather dark so far. I just don't know what direction I want it to go. I want to find writing groups. I tried looking for something on meetup.com but everything is so far away and I'm a little scared of meeting new people. I don't really trust the online communities either. I'm afraid of them plagiarizing my stuff. I don't know what to do. Oh well. Off to look for somewhere to print my book.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
The worst thing you can say to a woman who is TTC
The worst thing you can say to a person that is trying to have a child is, "It'll happen when it's meant to happen." It crushes. It stings like a thousand knives in their soul. They don't want to hear that or, "It'll happen in God's time." To me it's rubbish. My husband and I have been trying to have a child on and off for 4 years. There's something wrong with me that's causing us to not get pregnant. I won't go into detail but I'll need to see a doctor if we want to have children.
A week ago I saw a nurse practitioner, at the Mental Health Center. I explained that I had been crying a lot more. She should have understood that with Bipolar disorder, I'm bound to have fits like this. Her instant reaction was to ask if I was pregnant. I told her there was no way I could be. She insisted on me getting a pregnancy test. I went and had lab work done. The next day they faxed her the results but she lost them. I had to wait a week to find out that I'm not. During that week, it got mine and my husbands hopes up. We began hoping for a miracle child. Then the symptoms started. They were all in my head but they felt very real. The negative test result came after over an hour of talking to my nurse practitioner, counselor, and the lab company. I finally found out online on the patient website. I've been having a hard time keeping myself composed ever since.
My counselor was very sympathetic but she said another rubbish phrase, "You've still got time. You're still young." Another phrase that should never be told to a person who is trying to have children. I know she meant well and she sat on the phone with me for a little bit while I cried. She reminded me not to SI even though she knew this would be a bad trigger for me. Luckily I didn't want to let her down so I didn't. I'm still a month clean. Though I have been smoking again because of it.
It's hard for others to understand how devastating these phrases can be. I know it has something to do with me. (Trust me on this. It's part of a personal thing I don't want to mention on a public blog) But people have to realize, these phrases do nothing more than put salt in an already deep wound that another negative result produces. Struggling with infertility is not an easy thing to go through and it's even worse when people assume they know the whole story. They just assume I'm not timing things right. It has nothing to do with that. Trust me.
I don't wish this kind of pain on anyone and I sympathize with all of those couples out there trying to have a child but are having troubles.
It hurts even more when people who don't want children or never wanted children are starting to have them. I have friends, cousins, second cousins and many others around me posting their baby bump pictures on Facebook. I've tried hiding them from my news feed but they still keep popping up. It kills me. All I've ever wanted was to be a mom and now that feels like it has been taken from me. I wish, just once that someone would understand and not say these over used and overly painful phrases in hopes that it will help.
The one thing I can be thankful for is my best friend back home. She has been with me through all of my struggles and she is the one person that has been trying to get my spirits up and has actually offered some valid advice on what to do next. Also, the ladies in my trucking wife group on Facebook have been more than kind in their prayers and positive thoughts. They have been so supportive of me in this really rough time.
Basically I want to say to all those that are having fertility issues, there is hope. There are doctors out there that can help figure out what is wrong and can offer options and treatments to help you along the way. Never give up hope. I know it is hard to have hope when there has been so many let downs, but it can get better. Get a doctors opinion, if that doesn't help, go to another and another until you find a doctor that is willing to sit down and help you figure out what is wrong. I'm just now starting that journey. I pray every night for those that are having difficulties. I wish you all the best and I hope that someday, you find the right doctor to help you along your way to having a happy and healthy baby.
God Bless.
A week ago I saw a nurse practitioner, at the Mental Health Center. I explained that I had been crying a lot more. She should have understood that with Bipolar disorder, I'm bound to have fits like this. Her instant reaction was to ask if I was pregnant. I told her there was no way I could be. She insisted on me getting a pregnancy test. I went and had lab work done. The next day they faxed her the results but she lost them. I had to wait a week to find out that I'm not. During that week, it got mine and my husbands hopes up. We began hoping for a miracle child. Then the symptoms started. They were all in my head but they felt very real. The negative test result came after over an hour of talking to my nurse practitioner, counselor, and the lab company. I finally found out online on the patient website. I've been having a hard time keeping myself composed ever since.
My counselor was very sympathetic but she said another rubbish phrase, "You've still got time. You're still young." Another phrase that should never be told to a person who is trying to have children. I know she meant well and she sat on the phone with me for a little bit while I cried. She reminded me not to SI even though she knew this would be a bad trigger for me. Luckily I didn't want to let her down so I didn't. I'm still a month clean. Though I have been smoking again because of it.
It's hard for others to understand how devastating these phrases can be. I know it has something to do with me. (Trust me on this. It's part of a personal thing I don't want to mention on a public blog) But people have to realize, these phrases do nothing more than put salt in an already deep wound that another negative result produces. Struggling with infertility is not an easy thing to go through and it's even worse when people assume they know the whole story. They just assume I'm not timing things right. It has nothing to do with that. Trust me.
I don't wish this kind of pain on anyone and I sympathize with all of those couples out there trying to have a child but are having troubles.
It hurts even more when people who don't want children or never wanted children are starting to have them. I have friends, cousins, second cousins and many others around me posting their baby bump pictures on Facebook. I've tried hiding them from my news feed but they still keep popping up. It kills me. All I've ever wanted was to be a mom and now that feels like it has been taken from me. I wish, just once that someone would understand and not say these over used and overly painful phrases in hopes that it will help.
The one thing I can be thankful for is my best friend back home. She has been with me through all of my struggles and she is the one person that has been trying to get my spirits up and has actually offered some valid advice on what to do next. Also, the ladies in my trucking wife group on Facebook have been more than kind in their prayers and positive thoughts. They have been so supportive of me in this really rough time.
Basically I want to say to all those that are having fertility issues, there is hope. There are doctors out there that can help figure out what is wrong and can offer options and treatments to help you along the way. Never give up hope. I know it is hard to have hope when there has been so many let downs, but it can get better. Get a doctors opinion, if that doesn't help, go to another and another until you find a doctor that is willing to sit down and help you figure out what is wrong. I'm just now starting that journey. I pray every night for those that are having difficulties. I wish you all the best and I hope that someday, you find the right doctor to help you along your way to having a happy and healthy baby.
God Bless.
Friday, January 3, 2014
Lost and Low
I feel lost. I'm low. A kind of low that all I want to do is cry. I worked really hard on knitting my first scarf and all I get is, "That's cool. Look Dexter is doing confession". Is it really too much to ask for you to turn away from the television long enough to say, "Good job honey."? I know it's stupid and I know it's a little thing, but it's a big accomplishment for me. I did it all in one day. Yesterday you said my place-mat was good for just starting knitting. Then you told me not to stretch it out. With every compliment, there is something that hurts me. And you don't even realize you're doing it. Never. You think it's constructive criticism, but it doesn't come off like that. It feels like a backhanded compliment. Then you promised to play video games with me since it was the weekend. Another small stupid thing, but it meant a lot to me. You've been glued to the tv since I told you the new season of Dexter was on Netflix. I lost you to the television once again. You did come play video games. I told you that even if you didn't do something with me, I just wanted you in the same room with me. You played for roughly 10 minutes before disappearing. I found you watching tv again. I made a comment about it. You said you assumed I knew since you logged off. I didn't pay attention to you logging off. I paid attention to the fact that you wanted to watch tv more than be in the same room with me. I know I sound pathetic and whiny. I just want my husband around me. I've been SI free for about a month. You haven't noticed. My counselor has. She's the real reason I stopped. I don't want to let her down. She cares enough to ask how I'm doing. You just assume I'll tell you if something goes wrong. I can't because your day is always worse than mine because you're working and I can't find a stupid job. During the week I understand needing time to unwind. I let it go so that I can hopefully have the weekend with you. I'm not that lucky. You'll always need time to unwind. I'll always end up playing alone. When I went to the study to smoke you noticed something was off. You said "I love you" in a way that asked if I was mad. I simply responded with "I love you." Then I walked away. I want you to follow and see what's wrong. I want you to notice the tear stains on my cheek. I want you to hold me and understand that I can have a rough day too. But here I am writing you a letter you'll never read, crying and smoking alone. Oh well. Welcome to 2014, just another year. No new start. No changes. Just the same all over again.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Sorry
I know it's been a long time since I've updated. I really don't think many people (if any) actually read this though. But, if you do happen to stumble upon this, I thank you for reading. Money has been low so I've been working on some online jobs like taking surveys. I'm going to post a few referral links on here just in case someone stumbles upon it and decides to give it a try.
<a href="http://www.inboxdollars.com/?r=ref3280549">
<img src="http://www.inboxdollars.com/graphics/creative/banners/234x60/234x60_2.gif" border="0" />
</a>
<a href="http://www.sendearnings.com/?r=ref4793923">
<img src="http://www.sendearnings.com/graphics/creative/banners/468x60/468x60_1.jpg" border="0" />
</a>
https://www.surveysavvy.com/?m=4361301
<a href="http://www.inboxdollars.com/?r=ref3280549">
<img src="http://www.inboxdollars.com/graphics/creative/banners/234x60/234x60_2.gif" border="0" />
</a>
<a href="http://www.sendearnings.com/?r=ref4793923">
<img src="http://www.sendearnings.com/graphics/creative/banners/468x60/468x60_1.jpg" border="0" />
</a>
https://www.surveysavvy.com/?m=4361301
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