Rough Night

Backstory:


My hubby decided that he wants to join the Army National Guard. He went through MEPS and got cleared. He was going to swear in that day (last Tuesday) but the base shut down from the freak snow storm down here in the south. He's going back Thursday and Friday to get sworn in and sign his contract. He's wanted to do something like this all his life.


Now to explain my title:


I found out tonight that Basic Training is 10 weeks, AIT is another 6 weeks, then he has to go to jump school. I may get lucky and get a week or weekend between Basic and AIT but it's not a guarantee. I haven't been away from him anywhere near that long. Before I went to Michigan State University to be with him, I would see him on the weekends (whether it was him coming home or me going to visit). When he did over the road trucking, The longest he was gone was two weeks. Then he started driving local. That means he got home every night, well except for the one night he ran out of hours and had to stay in a hotel over night. I got used to him being gone for a week then getting 2 days with him before he left again. Now I see him every day. It's going to be rough on me having him gone for 4 months. I'm not sure if I'm really ready for this.

To make it harder, I don't have a job yet and I don't really have friends down here. I still talk to my ex boss once a month or so. When hubby was over the road, I had school to deal with. I just finished my associates degree. I'll graduate May 8 or 9 and I'm worried that I won't have anyone there for me. One friend up in Michigan says she's going to try really hard to come down. My mom didn't say either way and my dad said he would "try his hardest" which equates to "I should come down but I probably won't and come up with some excuse." I won't be able to throw myself into school until August, and that's assuming I get enough scholarships to cover tuition and books.

I'm just feeling so isolated. I'm happy that my hubby is doing what makes him truly happy. I really do. I hate seeing him come home from work in a fowl mood because of the way he's treated. I feel awful that he gets up as early as 1-2am to get going, especially for such crap pay. He's hoping that he'll get a job offer after he finishes Basic and AIT. If he doesn't, he might consider going full active duty. I asked if he wanted to do that. I guess I surprised him because the last time we discussed military, I was 19 and we had just got married. It scared the crap out of me. Now, I'm more concerned with his happiness than my petty fears. I just wish I had a better support network.

I've been crying for about an hour now. I had to take my crying into the study so he can't hear me. He's out cold on the bed with our dog. I don't want to let him see me cry. I don't want to stress him at all if possible. This will be good for us, I just don't know if I've fully grasped what it will all mean. I think this is the first time I've really let myself cry over it all. And I don't even know what I'm crying about.


On a good note:

I've been SI free for 35 days. I counted Jan 1 as my starting over point. It's not that I haven't thought about it, I've just been able to control the urges. I've picked up knitting to keep my hands busy. I'm working on a blanket for all those nights of insomnia that I'll spend out on the porch this summer. I do whatever I can to keep busy. I do stained glass for girls in my group, I made my "group mom" a scarf that I thought was a little short but it fits her perfectly. I'm hoping I can throw myself into knitting and stained glass.


Another thing causing me stress:

My student loans are needing payment because I couldn't take classes this semester. All of the stupid legal jargon is just so frustrating trying to figure it all out. I'm just so done with this crap tonight. My eyes are burning from staring at this computer so long and crying.


Peace out.