Loss

                  Raelynn, Rae to most, sat on her front porch swing listening to the silence of the night. The night was overwhelmingly dark. The moon was full but seemed so far away. The stars were few and far between. The streetlights seemed even dimmer than usual, leaving large and gaping shadows down the road. The darkness let the heartache she had been hiding finally surface. A single tear slid down her cheek as she realized she was truly alone. Her husband was gone. It wasn't just some nightmare to wake up from. She knew that if she walked back into the house and into her bedroom, he wouldn't be there sound asleep like many of her sleepless nights before. He wouldn't be coming home. No one really knew what had actually happened either. This only made it that much harder to accept. The official report said he had a heart attack while driving and crashed his truck. She didn't want to believe it. He was too young to have a heart attack, and he didn't have a history of heart problems. He was in perfect health as far as she knew. The longer she thought about it, the more tears fell. She pulled her sweater tighter around herself, using it as a security blanket. She had never planned for something like this. She hadn't seen herself ever being alone again. When they met, they were inseparable. When she married, she believed it would be her one and only marriage. She saw them having children, raising them, and growing old together. She thought they would pass of old age one shortly after the other, not one leaving so early. She sobbed into her sweater wondering why he had been taken from her, leaving her so alone. Without a plan, she didn't know what to do with herself.

                  The insurance had covered everything and she was unemployed. There were no children or pets to take care of. No family lived near her, not that she really got along with much of her family. Her friends were all states away and she had no plan to return to her hometown. She had nothing there anyway. Any friends she had where she lived had been friends of her late husband. Now those friends had distanced themselves from her. She began to cry even harder, not caring if a neighbor heard. It was unlikely that anyone would hear her at such a late hour. Most of her neighborhood went quiet around 8. It was now a quarter after 1 in the morning. She cried until the tears wouldn't come anymore. She had thought about taking her own life, more than once, but she just couldn't seem to bring herself to do it. Once or twice she had tried to overdose, but she still woke up in the morning only to start crying again. She had no idea what to do.

                  After the funeral, family had given halfhearted offers of support but quickly shut themselves off from her. Some expected her to just get up and move on. She couldn't understand how. Others just offered their condolences and left. When her husband was laid to rest, she felt a part of herself die with him. There was nothing that could fill that void in her heart and soul. When he was alive they had told each other that they would want the other to move on and find someone else to love them, but now that he was gone she couldn't fathom doing so. She was broken, shattered to her core.

                  As her tears subsided, she tried to think of what to do. She didn't want to go to bed, all she dreamed of was him, but her body was exhausted. She thought about sleeping in the living room again, like she had every night since the funeral a week prior, but the couch was starting to get uncomfortable. Plus the clock slowly ticking away the minutes was getting unnerving. Finally, she resigned herself to go and try and sleep in her own bed.

                  The house was quiet other than the ticking of the clock in the living room. She waked over to it and pulled it from the wall. After removing the battery from it, she threw it across the room. Like many times in the last week, her hurt and sadness turned to anger. She didn't know who or what she was mad at but she still felt the anger. She assumed it was just part of the grieving process. At least that's what her counselor had told her. She had been seeing a counselor before her husband's accident, now she was seeing her more often. Her counselor worried that she wasn't grieving properly and that she might try something stupid. Every time she saw her counselor, she put on a facade. She acted like she was healing and getting better, when in all reality she was losing her grip on reality. Her biggest fear was ending up on the 5^th floor of the hospital so she lied and smiled and acted like things were getting better. Still most nights were like this one with her outside smoking or crying, sometimes doing both.

                  When she entered her bedroom, she was surprised. She was expecting the pain and tears to come back but all she felt was a numbness. All of his things had been packed up by his family. Well, by his sister Kate. Kate had seemed to understand how hard this was going to be on her so she took care of it while Rae sat outside smoking. Rae had told Kate what to leave and what to take wherever she wanted. His clothing was gone, along with his books and most small things. The only things left were his ring on a necklace, a pocket watch he had gotten as a anniversary gift, and a hat he had gotten but she had worn more often. As she looked around the room she made a decision. She grabbed two suitcases and put a couple outfits and her more prized possessions in them. She put her notebooks in a tote as well. She put all of these in the trunk of her car. She left out one outfit for the next day and crawled into bed.

                  Seconds passed but it felt like hours. Another clock in the house was ticking, she had forgotten about the one in the kitchen. She tried to ignore it and fall asleep. After several minutes she gave up and took a few sleeping pills, knowing they would just barely help her get to sleep. After 20 minutes the sleeping pills worked their magic and she slid into a deep sleep.

                  It was a familiar scene. She was standing in her living room. Her husband was sitting on the couch wearing a suit as if he was getting ready to go out. She stared at him for a moment before she found her words.

                  “Adam, why did you have to leave me?” Pain filled every word.

                  “I'm so sorry Rae. It was my time. I never wanted to leave you.” She was taken aback by his response. Usually he didn't say anything or he would try to convince her that he hadn't gone anywhere, that he was still there.

                  “What am I supposed to do now?”

                  “You already chose what to do. That's what the bags in the car are for aren't they?” He said knowingly.

                  “But where am I supposed to go? I'm just running. That's the only thing I know to do, just run. But I don't know where to run to, what to do when I get there.” She started crying once again. He beckoned her to sit next to him. Slowly she made her way next to him. He hugged her tight. He felt so real, so solid, nothing like her other dreams.

                  “You'll find your way. You always do. You're stronger than you think you are, love.” He said softly into her hair as he kissed the top of her head.

                  “This isn't how things are supposed to be. We were supposed to grow old together.” She sobbed.

                  “I know, but we don't get to choose when our time is up. Mine was just up sooner than expected.” He explained.

                  “I don't want to go on without you.” She whimpered.

                  “You have to. You have so much more to do with your life. There's big plans for you.”

                  “What do you mean?”

                  “I can't say anymore. Heck, I wasn't even supposed to be able to see you again. Once you cross over, you stop worrying about your loved ones. All sense of time is gone.”

                  “Then why are you here?”

                  “You weren't moving on like you were supposed to. I'm here to give you some closure, to let you know that you have to move on. You have a long and full life ahead of you. You can't dwell on this. It'll only ruin you. I don't want you to do that to yourself. I want you to be happy. Always remember that. I love you and I always will.”

                  “I love you too.”

                  “I have to go sweetheart, and you have to wake up. Be strong, for the both of us.”

                  “Please, don't go.” She begged.

                  “I'm sorry, but I have to. Now go and live your wonderful life.” He faded away and she cried harder.

                  She bolted upright in her bed. Tears stained her cheeks and pillow.