Lost and Low

I feel lost. I'm low. A kind of low that all I want to do is cry. I worked really hard on knitting my first scarf and all I get is, "That's cool. Look Dexter is doing confession". Is it really too much to ask for you to turn away from the television long enough to say, "Good job honey."? I know it's stupid and I know it's a little thing, but it's a big accomplishment for me. I did it all in one day. Yesterday you said my place-mat was good for just starting knitting. Then you told me not to stretch it out. With every compliment, there is something that hurts me. And you don't even realize you're doing it. Never. You think it's constructive criticism, but it doesn't come off like that. It feels like a backhanded compliment. Then you promised to play video games with me since it was the weekend. Another small stupid thing, but it meant a lot to me. You've been glued to the tv since I told you the new season of Dexter was on Netflix. I lost you to the television once again. You did come play video games. I told you that even if you didn't do something with me, I just wanted you in the same room with me. You played for roughly 10 minutes before disappearing. I found you watching tv again. I made a comment about it. You said you assumed I knew since you logged off. I didn't pay attention to you logging off. I paid attention to the fact that you wanted to watch tv more than be in the same room with me. I know I sound pathetic and whiny. I just want my husband around me. I've been SI free for about a month. You haven't noticed. My counselor has. She's the real reason I stopped. I don't want to let her down. She cares enough to ask how I'm doing. You just assume I'll tell you if something goes wrong. I can't because your day is always worse than mine because you're working and I can't find a stupid job. During the week I understand needing time to unwind. I let it go so that I can hopefully have the weekend with you. I'm not that lucky. You'll always need time to unwind. I'll always end up playing alone. When I went to the study to smoke you noticed something was off. You said "I love you" in a way that asked if I was mad. I simply responded with "I love you." Then I walked away. I want you to follow and see what's wrong. I want you to notice the tear stains on my cheek. I want you to hold me and understand that I can have a rough day too. But here I am writing you a letter you'll never read, crying and smoking alone. Oh well. Welcome to 2014, just another year. No new start. No changes. Just the same all over again.