Help

So, I kind of got help tonight. I called a suicide crisis line. A lovely girl around my age talked to me for a little while. She seemed somewhat new, or at least going off a manual of things they need to say. But it was ok. She was really friendly and was supportive. She reinforced the good idea that I knew I needed help and that I didn't actually go through with killing myself. She was proud that I knew I needed help. Just having someone to talk to at midnight was a relief. Hubby was too tired and didn't know what to say. I couldn't call my ex boss (she's early open tomorrow). There really was no one else. (Bff is preggers and I don't want to wake her) The pic of a "friend's" baby sent me over the edge. It broke my heart. Girls who don't want to be moms, aren't ready to be moms, and shouldn't be moms are all getting pregnant and having beautiful children. I'm stuck here wondering if I'll ever be able to have a child of my own. I want to be able to carry my child in my womb for 9 months. I don't care how sick I get. I don't care how fat I'll get. I don't care how huge and painful my chest will get. I just want to be pregnant with my child, carry them to full term, go through that awful birthing process, and just be able to hold my little angel in my arms. My husband and I have both been having these dreams about having children. At first it gave me hope. Now it's like a taunt. I just don't know what to do.

I got on a depression chat room and found someone to talk to me. They had NPD and were surprisingly really nice to me. We talked about the differences in our disorders and were able to connect quite well. They helped me a bit and they said that it was nice talking to me as well. I really should make it a habit to get back on that site. There are some good people to talk to at times.

I'm exhausted. 6mg of Xanax will do that to you. Maybe I can get some sleep. Got lunch with the ex boss lady tomorrow around noon. Maybe I can get her to follow me to the mental health center to at least fill out forms. If someone goes with me, I'm more likely to do something. I just need the cohones to get out there and get help. Oh well. Time to sleep.