Things with the hubby are going good. He's still sleeping. Surgery went god. He was in a bit of pain last night but he slept through the whole night and he's been sleeping for about 12 hours now. At least he isn't in pain. I finally caught up on my sleep. I had gotten sick three nights ago then I only got two hours of sleep in the hotel the night before surgery. When we got home yesterday I slept for a couple hours then I slept through the night pretty well.
While we were in the waiting room I met a really nice woman. She was 78 but acted like she was only 50. It was really nice talking to her. She reminded me a lot of my great-grandma. She had the same liveliness and spirit to her. I talked to her of my grandma and she encouraged me to find some kind of closure. When we eventually go back to Michigan I might try to visit the house. She helped me make it through the wait to see Zach.
I only had to take a half a xanax. Pretty good for how freaked out I was. I almost passed out each time I saw him in the hospital bed. I just have a horrible fear of hospitals.
When I got up from my nap after we got home I felt like crap. Not physically but emotionally. I just wanted to cry. And all I managed were two tears. I felt like if I could just cry I would feel better but it never came. I don't know what to do. It's killing me to not cry. I'm getting deeper and deeper in the hole. I don't know how. They just upped my dosage of Zoloft so I should be feeling better. Shouldn't I? Plus there's more sunlight. These things should be helping. But they're not. I just want to go into oblivion for a while. Just not exist until my body and soul have found some kind of peace. I feel like I'm borrowed time already. Feeling like this just feels. . . . gah it's so hard to explain.
Well I should get going. I should try to clean the room before the hubby gets up.
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