Two years ago today I lost the most amazing woman in the world. My great-grandmother. I know she passed knowing that I was doing well. I know that she is finally free of the pain. I know she is with her husband and my little cousin who would have turned 21 today. Though it's been two years, it still hurts. I still feel like crying every time I think about her. Everything still reminds me of her. Time isn't healing anything. I miss her with all of my being. I ache to be able to finally say goodbye to her. But I'll never get that. I wasn't allowed it two years ago and I'm not allowed it now. I still have nightmares. I need help. No one has been able to help heal this pain. I don't know what will fix it.
All people ever ask is "What will help?" or "What will make it better?" What will make it better would be to see her one last time. What would help would be to know, without a doubt, that she's proud of who I am right now. But I can't have this. There is no way of knowing if she's proud of me.
I'm falling into the dark hole of depression with this day. I can't stand it. I need to do something. I need to get out or go shopping or something. I can't stand staying here and thinking about her. It's breaking my heart.
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