Lucky to be alive

http://www.aolnews.com/2011/04/28/violent-storms-smack-south-kill-at-least-85/?ncid=webmail

Can't believe we survived all the storms last night. Somehow our town didn't get hit by any of the horrible tornadoes that devastated our state. We're fine and so are our family members. I've had people calling, texting, and commenting on my facebook wall making sure we're ok. I was surprised that so many people wanted to make sure we were ok. Now I've been trying to get people in Michigan to let us know when they're available because we're going to visit the 7th-13th ish. We've got places to stay but no one is really saying anything other than they want to see us some time. I hate making plans like this last minute but hopefully I'll be able to relax and enjoy my vacation for once since I won't have any school stuff to worry about. I should be done with finals Thursday morning. Anyways, I just wanted to let the few of you that read this know I'm still alive. Please pray for all of those that were affected by this horrible weather.

F**K

Another fight. Frustrated. Going to cry myself to sleep. Whatever. F**K

Feeling sick

I finally got an appointment with my doctor for tomorrow morning. I can't do this anymore. I'm feeling really sick. I haven't eaten much in the past three days. I've had soda and my polish pickles (corned beef, cream cheese, pickles). That's it. I dropped from 158 to 155. Plus I feel like throwing up. I'm really dizzy and this headache keeps coming back. I'm going to take a shower and try to relax. I just felt like updating this while I had the thought to do so.

:-(

Ok I feel like shit right now. I'm really depressed. Last night I messed up and cut again. A total of 13 marks. I feel horrible about it. Luckily the hubby didn't notice. He's been sweet the past two days. Yesterday he bought me a stuffed animal because I thought it was really soft and I love huskies. (It's the larger TY Classic "Slush") While we were playing WoW, he kept bragging to a friend of ours about how awesome I am and how he's lucky to have me and such. Then this morning he came in as I was waking up with bacon, milk, and a beautiful flower in a glass of water. (Just a side note. He has NEVER brought me breakfast in bed so this was a HUGE surprise.) I love him so much but then I go into these deep holes where I can't see the good. All I see is the emotional pain weighing me down. It's like I'm in an emotional bubble that keeps getting smaller and smaller. I'm suffocating. My panic attacks aren't coming as often but they're getting worse. My insomnia is getting worse too. I didn't go to school all week except for one class. I've been taking anywhere from 1 & 1/2 to 2 & 1/2 xanax to get me to sleep. Last night it was 2 & 1/2. That's 2.5mg plus any alcohol and xanax I had taken earlier in the day. I just don't know what to do. My suicidal thoughts aren't going away. I still don't have any intention on acting on them but I'm getting sick of thinking of every possible way of getting out of this life. It's frustrating. Luckily that's giving me some more inspiration so I've been trying to write more. ravendarkstar.deviantart.com has a new peak at my new work. I kind of like it. I'm trying to develop it more. We'll see where it gets me. Anyways, it's 4:18 am and I don't know what to do. I can't focus on playing WoW anymore so I'll try to write some. I'll take a xanax now and hope it brings me down so I can sleep.

Ick

These headaches are driving me insane. I've been getting them almost daily and they're getting worse. I've decided to stop the Zoloft. I'll make an appt with my doc when my father in law get's back from Illinois. He's heading up there tomorrow morning. (Well technically this morning. Probably quite soon actually) He'll be there until Saturday ish. I like having the house to ourselves. It's nice. Plus I seem to feel more relaxed and lose more weight when we have the house to ourselves. I've been up all night playing World of Warcraft with the hubby. He's getting pretty tired so he's going to head to bed. I think I'll try to get some writing done. I haven't done much in a while but I've been slowly getting some inspiration back. Though sadly it's from the depression. Oh well. Bed soon :-)

Up and Down

Up then Down then Up then Down again. That's how I've been. Sunday I messed up and cut. 5 Small lines. No one but one friend in Michigan knows. Well and you guys. Though I'm not sure how many people actually read this. Not sure anyone really cares. But whatever. I've got a super migraine right now. I've been feeling like vomiting since I ate dinner. Luckily I don't have class tomorrow. But I'm probably going to go to Jacksonville to get stuff situated and get some pictures done. Unless I'm still feeling like crap, then I'm just going to sleep all day. I can't seem to take my meds. I feel like the suicidal thoughts have increased since I started the meds. I'm not really acting on them but I'm thinking about how to do it more. Which is kind of freaky. But whatever. I'm going to take my xanax and hope to get some sleep.

Dying inside

Two years ago today I lost the most amazing woman in the world. My great-grandmother. I know she passed knowing that I was doing well. I know that she is finally free of the pain. I know she is with her husband and my little cousin who would have turned 21 today. Though it's been two years, it still hurts. I still feel like crying every time I think about her. Everything still reminds me of her. Time isn't healing anything. I miss her with all of my being. I ache to be able to finally say goodbye to her. But I'll never get that. I wasn't allowed it two years ago and I'm not allowed it now. I still have nightmares. I need help. No one has been able to help heal this pain. I don't know what will fix it.
All people ever ask is "What will help?" or "What will make it better?" What will make it better would be to see her one last time. What would help would be to know, without a doubt, that she's proud of who I am right now. But I can't have this. There is no way of knowing if she's proud of me.
I'm falling into the dark hole of depression with this day. I can't stand it. I need to do something. I need to get out or go shopping or something. I can't stand staying here and thinking about her. It's breaking my heart.