:-(

Ok I feel like shit right now. I'm really depressed. Last night I messed up and cut again. A total of 13 marks. I feel horrible about it. Luckily the hubby didn't notice. He's been sweet the past two days. Yesterday he bought me a stuffed animal because I thought it was really soft and I love huskies. (It's the larger TY Classic "Slush") While we were playing WoW, he kept bragging to a friend of ours about how awesome I am and how he's lucky to have me and such. Then this morning he came in as I was waking up with bacon, milk, and a beautiful flower in a glass of water. (Just a side note. He has NEVER brought me breakfast in bed so this was a HUGE surprise.) I love him so much but then I go into these deep holes where I can't see the good. All I see is the emotional pain weighing me down. It's like I'm in an emotional bubble that keeps getting smaller and smaller. I'm suffocating. My panic attacks aren't coming as often but they're getting worse. My insomnia is getting worse too. I didn't go to school all week except for one class. I've been taking anywhere from 1 & 1/2 to 2 & 1/2 xanax to get me to sleep. Last night it was 2 & 1/2. That's 2.5mg plus any alcohol and xanax I had taken earlier in the day. I just don't know what to do. My suicidal thoughts aren't going away. I still don't have any intention on acting on them but I'm getting sick of thinking of every possible way of getting out of this life. It's frustrating. Luckily that's giving me some more inspiration so I've been trying to write more. ravendarkstar.deviantart.com has a new peak at my new work. I kind of like it. I'm trying to develop it more. We'll see where it gets me. Anyways, it's 4:18 am and I don't know what to do. I can't focus on playing WoW anymore so I'll try to write some. I'll take a xanax now and hope it brings me down so I can sleep.