Drunk

I'm really sorry I haven't posted on here in a while. I guess I've been pretty occupied. My hubby has his surgery on his ear drum on Monday. I'm not looking forward to it. We're going into Atlanta tomorrow and checking into a hotel. I'm really scared for my hubby. I know it's just a simple operation but hospitals scare the living crap out of me. I don't know what it is. I just have a horrible fear of hospitals. Anyways. .  . in order to relax tonight, I started drinking. I've had a lot. I've been playing WoW too. I got my druid to lvl 85. Not like that really means anything to anyone. Well, it was hard. Now I feel accomplished. So. . . Lately I've been feeling like shit. I've not been really feeling anything. I just feel empty. Like I'm not me. Like I'm watching someone else's life flash before my eyes. I want to cry but I can't. I want to feel something more than nothing. I know it doesn't make sense. It's hard to explain. I get the feeling that I need to cry. I'll even get a little sting in my eyes that I used to get before I cried. But nothing comes. No tears. Nothing. Just blah. Last night and tonight I've had a really hard time staying away from sharp objects. But so far I haven't done anything. I'm really proud of myself. I've done well surprisingly enough. The temptation is there. I had to take two xanax last night instead of one. Anyways. I'm up to 1 1/2 pills of my zoloft. My doc said the sun should help me get feeling better. He also said my dizzy episodes may have something to do with hypoglycemic episodes or something like that. He said it might be when my blood sugar drops too low. So far I haven't had a problem since I went to the doc. Anyways. . . I should get to bed. It's 3:30am and I'm not sure when we're going over to Atlanta.

A little better

Things have been going pretty ok lately. Still haven't talked to my parents in a while. My mom called while I was in class on Thursday. I sent her a text saying I was in class. In her voice message she said she'd try the next day but she never did. She commented on my status on facebook so I know she's still alive. I guess all of Michigan is having a pretty awful snow storm right now. I'm so glad I'm down here in Alabama. I would hate to deal with the snow. Zach and I washed the blazer and the van. He's going to vacuum and steam clean the blazer in a little while. We might be getting another car soon. I'm really excited. My brother-in-law is going to be selling his old car and my father-in-law is going to try and buy it from him for us. I'll be so happy. It's a pretty old car but it runs well and it's the type of car I've been looking for. Once we get that, I'll be able to find a job. Once I find a job, I'll be able to contribute to the household. Once I start doing that, my father in law will back off and I'll be able to afford things I want. Things might be looking up but I don't want to jinx it by saying it's a sure thing. That's the last thing I need. I hate having things look like they're going to work out but then fall apart. I've got my fingers crossed though.

Doing a little better

I'm doing a little better today. Yesterday I had a bit of a emotional break at the earlier part of the day. Here's what I posted in a support group forum that I'm part of.

Trigger? Hey all, sorry I haven't been so active. A lot has been going on. My husband and I are back to playing WoW. It keeps my mind occupied most of the time. I'm back on Xanax and Zoloft. I'm also on Maximum D3. They said my vitamin D levels were really low when I went to the doc. I've been taking my meds and my moods have somewhat stabled out. The problem is, I'm not feeling much of anything. Like, I can get happy but then I'll kind of flat line and just feel nothing. I haven't cried since I started these meds. That's not normal. I've felt like crying. Things have made me a little sad. But the tears won't come. I'm glad that I haven't gotten angry though. But I kind of got used to being able to be sad. Now I just feel like I'm existing. Not really going anywhere. I'm not sure if that's good or bad. I haven't been able to write lately and I can't find the energy to work on my photography. I'm losing inspiration. Everything is going grey. There are no bright colors anymore. At least without the Zoloft there were intense colors. Deep blues, Blazing reds, Shining yellows. Now it's only grey. Sorry for the rambling. I'm not even sure what I mean.

A couple people offered words of support but I didn't get much of a response. I'm still not feeling much right now. My father in law turned his phone off earlier so I had to sit outside for about 20 minutes waiting for him to pick me up. Somehow I don't really care. I'm not mad that he neglected to turn his phone on. I'm not sad that I was forgotten and left alone. I just don't care. It worries me slightly. I just don't know what to do. I got my new computer so I'm going to go play some wow before I have to go to Spanish class. 

frustrated

Ok. So we had a "family discussion" today. It consisted of my father in law assuming that my husband and I were just going to loaf around here forever and never pay any bills. He tried to be nice about it but it still infuriated me. We've been trying to get out of here for months now. I told him we were looking at apartments and everything. He said he didn't want us to leave he just wanted us to contribute. So he doesn't want us to have our own space but he wants us to pay the bills. Yeah. . . . We're going to get my computer. Mostly because he promised to get one and he's not going to go back on his word. He thinks we play too many video games. Well then how am I keeping an all A average right now? Oh yeah, because unlike him and my parents I understand things the first time I hear them and if I don't, I study a little. I don't need to spend every waking minute studying just to understand my classes. I'm also sick of him assuming that I'm not trying to get a job. If he'd get that other car like he promised, it would be a hell of a lot easier for me to get one. oh well. I'm going to get going. I'll try to upload more tomorrow.

Sorry

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. Things have been a little odd. My mom is calling me about once a week or so on her drive home. I'm kind of sad that this is the only time she can call. I went to the doc the other day. I'm back on zoloft for depression and Xanax for anxiety and insomnia. I'm also on maximum d3 because I am vitamin d deficient or something like that. Well I've got to get going. Class is about to start, I just figured I should let y'all know that I'm still alive and doing a little better.

Eye exam

Tomorrow my father in law is bringing me to the eye center at walmart. I'm going to get an eye exam and get fitted for contacts. I'm really excited. I've been wanting contacts for a while. Hopefully later down the line I'll be able to get color contacts. I really want purple or green ones.

As for school, I'm a little flustered with needing to do three assignments for Soc, study for my Soc test, and study for my Spanish test. I should go do that. haha

Still here

I'm still here. I'm doing a little better now. My mom called the other night and we tried to do the whole talking thing. It got really awkward near the end because neither of us knew what to say. She says she's trying. I'm not sure whether or not I should believe her. It really hurts having her say she's trying then turn around and give up shortly after.

I went to the eye doctor to see if I have any coverage so I can get contacts. I don't have any coverage. I'll have to play or it all out of pocket. I'm worried to see how much it'll cost. I want purple or green contacts with my prescription so I don't have to wear glasses.

My classes are going really good so far. I've kept up with stuff and I'm understanding everything that we're going over right now. Let's hope it stays like this. My psych class is going to be amazingly easy. We haven't even covered all of Chapter 1 yet. I'm used to covering one chapter per class period. I'm still understanding most of my math stuff. When I have questions I still ask my hubby but I'm getting it for the most part. Plus in my spanish class I'm way ahead.

I'm still having mood issues. Hopefully I'll get into a doctor soon to get back on my meds. I'm going to see if my father in law will set up an appointment for me at his doctor's office. I need to start situating things. I've also got to look up a new counselor that will work with my insurance and knows how to deal with BPD.

Anyways. I'll try to update a little more often but I get easily distracted. I'm off to play WoW