Getting really really really frustrated with Everything

So obviously I'm funneling and only hearing what I want to hear when I say I've never heard anything bad about a person. But when he says the most horrible over generalized stereotypes about people around us, of course he's right. It's not like he's getting old and senile or anything. There's no way that I could possibly be right. I'm only 21. He's in his 60s. This is so effing frustrating. I'm never right when it comes to conversations with him. And he ALWAYS over generalizes things. He makes broad assumptions about people based on some stereotype. Like all actors are jerks, all people of a certain race purposely put a bunch of stuff in their carts at a grocery store and then act surprised when they have to pay for it all. (I'm not kidding about the last one. This one lady that didn't have enough money for her stuff was in front of us at Walmart. When we got to the car he actually said she did it on purpose and everyone else of her nationality does it too.) I can't believe him sometimes. And to make conversations worse at the dinner table, he's a noisy, nasty eater. I understand it's a burger and it's pretty big so you're bound to make a little mess. But when I have to hear every slurp and groan when you eat, I just can't eat anymore. Which really isn't a bad thing. It keeps me from eating too much. But still, It makes me want to throw up and I really don't want to. Especially after my episode after the rum binge. I can't stand how angry I am with him right now. I don't know how to calm down. Video games just make me angrier. Writing isn't working lately because I just can't seem to have any creativity. I just want to scream. I've gone about 3 days without hurting myself. I'm trying to make it to 7 but I'm not sure how much more of this I can handle. I called my dad at 2pm today. That's 3pm his time. I left a message saying I was checking to see how he was doing (he was sick last weekend) and if he had sent my insurance card. I told him to give me a call back. Nothing yet. It's almost 5pm here (6pm there). Now he's ignoring me and it's pissing me off. I just don't know how to deal with these idiots. . .. I'm going to try and get some more of my fan fic done. Hopefully I can just listen to loud music and block everything out.

Don't know what to do

Still nothing in the mail from my dad. I don't know how to call and let him know that he's pissing me off. I've never been able to yell at him. I've always been daddy's little girl or papa's little princess. I want to scream at him and tell him that he's a sorry excuse of a person and that he's worthless and has never truly been there for me in my life. I want to tell him that he either needs to send me that card or several thousand dollars so I can get the medical attention and help I need. But no, I'll never say that. Why? Because I'm too scared of what he'll do. Not to me, but himself. I'm worried that if I tell him how much I don't like him and how much crap he's put me through, that he'll finally kill himself. I couldn't live with knowing it was my fault.

I'm really hungry but I can't find anything to eat. Everything is high in fat and high in calories. Nothing healthy. I ran out of bread yesterday. I was making turkey subs and one of those a day was almost enough that I wasn't hungry later. I have to find where my father in law was buying the bread and go get more without him telling me to eat leftovers. Greasy, fatty, calorie loaded, leftovers. Homemade pizza with all artificial ingredients. Spaghetti with greasy sausage sauce. I can't do it. I just want healthy stuff and I don't want to get grief over it. (My father in law seems to think it's "amazing" when I actually eat healthy stuff. Well I'd eat more if there was any good tasting healthy stuff around. But no, it's mostly unhealthy stuff or stuff that tastes like dog food.)

Anyways, sorry for my rant. I just need to get some of this out. I don't have anyone to complain to anymore. I used to have friends that would listen to how bad my day was but they're up in Michigan and moving on with their lives. I'm stuck down here. Friendless. It sucks. Ok. I really need to stop with the self pity. I'm starting to anger myself with it.  Time to go shopping for bread or something. Or listen to really loud music. Peace all.

Ick

I got the bedroom cleaned for the most part. I've still got to go through hubby's suitcase and put clothes away, put ornaments away, put the tree away, and vacuum. I also ordered my books for school today. $304. I can' t believe it, and I already had one of the books I needed. Still nothing in the mail from my dad. It's starting to frustrate me. I really need my effing insurance card. There are a lot of things I need to get taken care of. First is getting back on meds. Then getting other things taken care of like teeth and contacts. Gurr. .  I'm so frustrated. To make it worse, I got sick last night. I drank too much rum and ended up tossing and turning for three hours before finally throwing up. It was horrible. Especially since I ate spaghetti for dinner. Spices coming back up sucks.

Stupid Father

My father didn't call me today. He promised he would call today (Sunday) so that his wife could explain the insurance policy for me and explain how to file my bills and such. It's already 8pm there. He's not going to call. I'm really upset. I need that card and I need to know how to file stuff so I get reimbursed. I know he didn't send the letter yet. (It's Sunday) I don't know how to handle this. I'm so furious with him. I want to scream. On a good note, my father-in-law is being a little nicer to me.  He offered to bring me to a salon to have my hair fixed. (My roots are a LOT lighter than the rest of my hair. At least my hair isn't black anymore.)

One of my brothers-in-law and his family are stopping at our house tomorrow on their way back to FL from IL. I think They'll be staying the night. I'm not sure though. I'll be happy to see my nieces and nephews though. Their energy keeps me from fixating on things that are bothering me.

Happy New Year

Happy new year! I've decided to make a new years resolution. It's not one that's impossible to achieve, like becoming a millionaire. It's not one that I can mess up by eating, like losing 30 pounds. It's one that I've tried and tried but give up on. It's one that will be really hard. It's one I'll really want to give up. My resolution is to get the help that I need. I'm going to get back on meds. I'm going to find a good psychologist. I'm going to be honest with the psychologist. I'm going to find new, better behaviors. I'm going to start the healing process.

So I'm angry again

Wishing my father-in-law would just relax for a few minutes. He's freaking out because I don't feel perfect and I ran out of antibiotics today. He keeps talking about going back to the doctor for more or going to the emergency room on sunday if I don't feel better. Seriously? It's just an effing sinus and ear infection. The doctor only gave me that many for a reason. I'm not going to an emergency room just because I still feel a little under the weather. He freaks out over little thing. It's annoying. I want to get out of the house so bad but no. Can't do that. Father-in-law will have a heart attack if I go outside even though it's 70 degrees. Plus I've got nowhere to go. I was trying to get the hubby to go out and do anything and he said yes. But now he's watching tv with his dad. I guess we're going out to eat dinner or something sometime. They didn't tell me when. Just said we were going gout to Brad's BBQ. I'm feeling a bit sick so I hope it's some time soon. Whatever. I'm just going to go hang out outside. I want to enjoy the weather.

Sick of this Crap

Why is it that every time I get frustrated or angry at my dad, I'm "being too harsh" or I "don't have reason to be mad at him". I have EVERY reason to be mad at him. He ignores my birthday. He doesn't help me when I need it. He says he's sending a card with my insurance card in it but I find out that he hasn't even sent it yet. He ignores my questions and says we'll talk about it later. I have all kinds of reasons to hate him or be mad. But no. My father-in-law thinks I'm being too harsh. If he knew all the shit my dad's put me through he'd shut the fuck up and stop telling me how I should treat the horrible excuse for a dad I have. Plus I'm sick. Not just "oh I don't feel the best" kind of sick. Full blown ear infection/ sinus infection, pressure in my head, body aching, can't breathe, coughing up a lung, want to die, kind of sick. I really want this week to be over with. I need time to calm down and I can't seem to get it. I'm just so frustrated and upset. Everything is making me cry.