Sunday, January 19, 2014
Writing
I've started writing again. Sort of. Well it's really late at night and I can't think of anything to do so I just start writing. Somehow everything ends up some kind of fan fiction. I'm trying to steer away from all of that so I can try to get something published. I sort of finished my one book but I want to go through and edit it. I think I need to print it off and have something to write on but it's really long. Like almost 200 pages long. I'll have to find somewhere cheap to have it printed. I guess I should google that. I just am so scared to have it finalized and sent off to publishing companies. I want it published but I'm so afraid of what others will think of it. I guess I shouldn't care and just write for myself and see if anyone likes it. If not, no harm done. Right? I hope so. Tonight I started another piece. It's rather dark so far. I just don't know what direction I want it to go. I want to find writing groups. I tried looking for something on meetup.com but everything is so far away and I'm a little scared of meeting new people. I don't really trust the online communities either. I'm afraid of them plagiarizing my stuff. I don't know what to do. Oh well. Off to look for somewhere to print my book.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
The worst thing you can say to a woman who is TTC
The worst thing you can say to a person that is trying to have a child is, "It'll happen when it's meant to happen." It crushes. It stings like a thousand knives in their soul. They don't want to hear that or, "It'll happen in God's time." To me it's rubbish. My husband and I have been trying to have a child on and off for 4 years. There's something wrong with me that's causing us to not get pregnant. I won't go into detail but I'll need to see a doctor if we want to have children.
A week ago I saw a nurse practitioner, at the Mental Health Center. I explained that I had been crying a lot more. She should have understood that with Bipolar disorder, I'm bound to have fits like this. Her instant reaction was to ask if I was pregnant. I told her there was no way I could be. She insisted on me getting a pregnancy test. I went and had lab work done. The next day they faxed her the results but she lost them. I had to wait a week to find out that I'm not. During that week, it got mine and my husbands hopes up. We began hoping for a miracle child. Then the symptoms started. They were all in my head but they felt very real. The negative test result came after over an hour of talking to my nurse practitioner, counselor, and the lab company. I finally found out online on the patient website. I've been having a hard time keeping myself composed ever since.
My counselor was very sympathetic but she said another rubbish phrase, "You've still got time. You're still young." Another phrase that should never be told to a person who is trying to have children. I know she meant well and she sat on the phone with me for a little bit while I cried. She reminded me not to SI even though she knew this would be a bad trigger for me. Luckily I didn't want to let her down so I didn't. I'm still a month clean. Though I have been smoking again because of it.
It's hard for others to understand how devastating these phrases can be. I know it has something to do with me. (Trust me on this. It's part of a personal thing I don't want to mention on a public blog) But people have to realize, these phrases do nothing more than put salt in an already deep wound that another negative result produces. Struggling with infertility is not an easy thing to go through and it's even worse when people assume they know the whole story. They just assume I'm not timing things right. It has nothing to do with that. Trust me.
I don't wish this kind of pain on anyone and I sympathize with all of those couples out there trying to have a child but are having troubles.
It hurts even more when people who don't want children or never wanted children are starting to have them. I have friends, cousins, second cousins and many others around me posting their baby bump pictures on Facebook. I've tried hiding them from my news feed but they still keep popping up. It kills me. All I've ever wanted was to be a mom and now that feels like it has been taken from me. I wish, just once that someone would understand and not say these over used and overly painful phrases in hopes that it will help.
The one thing I can be thankful for is my best friend back home. She has been with me through all of my struggles and she is the one person that has been trying to get my spirits up and has actually offered some valid advice on what to do next. Also, the ladies in my trucking wife group on Facebook have been more than kind in their prayers and positive thoughts. They have been so supportive of me in this really rough time.
Basically I want to say to all those that are having fertility issues, there is hope. There are doctors out there that can help figure out what is wrong and can offer options and treatments to help you along the way. Never give up hope. I know it is hard to have hope when there has been so many let downs, but it can get better. Get a doctors opinion, if that doesn't help, go to another and another until you find a doctor that is willing to sit down and help you figure out what is wrong. I'm just now starting that journey. I pray every night for those that are having difficulties. I wish you all the best and I hope that someday, you find the right doctor to help you along your way to having a happy and healthy baby.
God Bless.
A week ago I saw a nurse practitioner, at the Mental Health Center. I explained that I had been crying a lot more. She should have understood that with Bipolar disorder, I'm bound to have fits like this. Her instant reaction was to ask if I was pregnant. I told her there was no way I could be. She insisted on me getting a pregnancy test. I went and had lab work done. The next day they faxed her the results but she lost them. I had to wait a week to find out that I'm not. During that week, it got mine and my husbands hopes up. We began hoping for a miracle child. Then the symptoms started. They were all in my head but they felt very real. The negative test result came after over an hour of talking to my nurse practitioner, counselor, and the lab company. I finally found out online on the patient website. I've been having a hard time keeping myself composed ever since.
My counselor was very sympathetic but she said another rubbish phrase, "You've still got time. You're still young." Another phrase that should never be told to a person who is trying to have children. I know she meant well and she sat on the phone with me for a little bit while I cried. She reminded me not to SI even though she knew this would be a bad trigger for me. Luckily I didn't want to let her down so I didn't. I'm still a month clean. Though I have been smoking again because of it.
It's hard for others to understand how devastating these phrases can be. I know it has something to do with me. (Trust me on this. It's part of a personal thing I don't want to mention on a public blog) But people have to realize, these phrases do nothing more than put salt in an already deep wound that another negative result produces. Struggling with infertility is not an easy thing to go through and it's even worse when people assume they know the whole story. They just assume I'm not timing things right. It has nothing to do with that. Trust me.
I don't wish this kind of pain on anyone and I sympathize with all of those couples out there trying to have a child but are having troubles.
It hurts even more when people who don't want children or never wanted children are starting to have them. I have friends, cousins, second cousins and many others around me posting their baby bump pictures on Facebook. I've tried hiding them from my news feed but they still keep popping up. It kills me. All I've ever wanted was to be a mom and now that feels like it has been taken from me. I wish, just once that someone would understand and not say these over used and overly painful phrases in hopes that it will help.
The one thing I can be thankful for is my best friend back home. She has been with me through all of my struggles and she is the one person that has been trying to get my spirits up and has actually offered some valid advice on what to do next. Also, the ladies in my trucking wife group on Facebook have been more than kind in their prayers and positive thoughts. They have been so supportive of me in this really rough time.
Basically I want to say to all those that are having fertility issues, there is hope. There are doctors out there that can help figure out what is wrong and can offer options and treatments to help you along the way. Never give up hope. I know it is hard to have hope when there has been so many let downs, but it can get better. Get a doctors opinion, if that doesn't help, go to another and another until you find a doctor that is willing to sit down and help you figure out what is wrong. I'm just now starting that journey. I pray every night for those that are having difficulties. I wish you all the best and I hope that someday, you find the right doctor to help you along your way to having a happy and healthy baby.
God Bless.
Friday, January 3, 2014
Lost and Low
I feel lost. I'm low. A kind of low that all I want to do is cry. I worked really hard on knitting my first scarf and all I get is, "That's cool. Look Dexter is doing confession". Is it really too much to ask for you to turn away from the television long enough to say, "Good job honey."? I know it's stupid and I know it's a little thing, but it's a big accomplishment for me. I did it all in one day. Yesterday you said my place-mat was good for just starting knitting. Then you told me not to stretch it out. With every compliment, there is something that hurts me. And you don't even realize you're doing it. Never. You think it's constructive criticism, but it doesn't come off like that. It feels like a backhanded compliment. Then you promised to play video games with me since it was the weekend. Another small stupid thing, but it meant a lot to me. You've been glued to the tv since I told you the new season of Dexter was on Netflix. I lost you to the television once again. You did come play video games. I told you that even if you didn't do something with me, I just wanted you in the same room with me. You played for roughly 10 minutes before disappearing. I found you watching tv again. I made a comment about it. You said you assumed I knew since you logged off. I didn't pay attention to you logging off. I paid attention to the fact that you wanted to watch tv more than be in the same room with me. I know I sound pathetic and whiny. I just want my husband around me. I've been SI free for about a month. You haven't noticed. My counselor has. She's the real reason I stopped. I don't want to let her down. She cares enough to ask how I'm doing. You just assume I'll tell you if something goes wrong. I can't because your day is always worse than mine because you're working and I can't find a stupid job. During the week I understand needing time to unwind. I let it go so that I can hopefully have the weekend with you. I'm not that lucky. You'll always need time to unwind. I'll always end up playing alone. When I went to the study to smoke you noticed something was off. You said "I love you" in a way that asked if I was mad. I simply responded with "I love you." Then I walked away. I want you to follow and see what's wrong. I want you to notice the tear stains on my cheek. I want you to hold me and understand that I can have a rough day too. But here I am writing you a letter you'll never read, crying and smoking alone. Oh well. Welcome to 2014, just another year. No new start. No changes. Just the same all over again.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Sorry
I know it's been a long time since I've updated. I really don't think many people (if any) actually read this though. But, if you do happen to stumble upon this, I thank you for reading. Money has been low so I've been working on some online jobs like taking surveys. I'm going to post a few referral links on here just in case someone stumbles upon it and decides to give it a try.
<a href="http://www.inboxdollars.com/?r=ref3280549">
<img src="http://www.inboxdollars.com/graphics/creative/banners/234x60/234x60_2.gif" border="0" />
</a>
<a href="http://www.sendearnings.com/?r=ref4793923">
<img src="http://www.sendearnings.com/graphics/creative/banners/468x60/468x60_1.jpg" border="0" />
</a>
https://www.surveysavvy.com/?m=4361301
<a href="http://www.inboxdollars.com/?r=ref3280549">
<img src="http://www.inboxdollars.com/graphics/creative/banners/234x60/234x60_2.gif" border="0" />
</a>
<a href="http://www.sendearnings.com/?r=ref4793923">
<img src="http://www.sendearnings.com/graphics/creative/banners/468x60/468x60_1.jpg" border="0" />
</a>
https://www.surveysavvy.com/?m=4361301
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