Plateau

I think I'm doing ok. We've had the house to ourselves this weekend and it's been pretty nice. I've kept the house clean. We've been having a good time. Getting drunk and playing video games until we got too tired to play anymore. My father-in-law comes home tomorrow. My finals start Monday and I haven't really studied yet. I've got 3/4 of them on Tuesday. I'm a little worried but part of me doesn't care. I'm feeling kind of numb right now. Maybe it's the alcohol, maybe it's the lack of sleep. Either way I'm not feeling much. Which is kind of ok. I don't really like feeling so much all the time. Sometimes I just don't want to feel. But, knowing me, the numb will eventually turn to sadness or anger. Like it did earlier when I found out my mom is in Arizona visiting her boyfriend's family. She didn't have the money to visit me for my 21st birthday but she magically has enough to do this and they're going to Vegas on Monday. I can't figure out why I keep forgiving her then getting mad then forgiving her. It's this vicious cycle that will always end with me being heartbroken and her not giving a shit. I wish I could tell her this stuff but I can't. Even when I don't have the best relationship with her, I still don't want to mess up any chance of fixing it. Though I know deep down, it's never going to be what I hope it will be. I keep setting myself up for these downfalls. I really don't know what to do about it. Whatever. I'm going to go write a random fan fic and hope it makes me feel a little better. Peace.