The Holiday depression is starting.

So the normal depression that comes with the Holidays is starting to sink in. It's starting late this year. Mostly because I don't really know what day it is anymore. It doesn't snow very much down here so I don't really have an obvious indicator like usual. I'm used to the depression starting around the first snow of the winter. It might only snow once this year and it won't be anywhere near what I'm used to. My trigger came today. I was flipping through radio stations on my way home from class. Almost every channel was playing Christmas music. Normally I'm ok with that. But then I drove into town and the main road was decorated with all kinds of Christmas lights. I started thinking about how my mom and I always went and looked at Christmas lights on Christmas eve or a couple days before. I realized that this year we wont. I won't even see her for Christmas. I'll be in Florida visiting my husband's family. I don't even know when I'll be able to see her next. We don't have money or a reliable car and my dad hasn't said anything more about helping us get up there. I can say that I don't mind, but I'm lying. I can fight over and over with my mom over stupid stuff. I can hate her boyfriend and what he puts her through. But at the end of it all, I still miss her. I miss the way things were when we first left my step-dad. I miss my mom. I miss my dad too sometimes, but not nearly as much as I miss my mom. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle the Holidays this year. I'm already more depressed than I have ever been. My cutting is getting more obvious and harder to cover up. (Plus I'm running out of good cover-up) I'm constantly in pain or an emotional wreck. I'm either angry, sad, or completely numb. I don't want people to feel bad for me, I just want people to try and help without being too overbearing about it. I know it's a lot to ask. I cleaned the room today in an attempt to keep my mind occupied. I forgot to eat until a little bit ago when I made some steak fries. I'm thinking about rearranging a corner of the room so I can put up our Christmas tree. It might help but it might make things worse. I don't know. I'll probably set up the main Christmas tree tomorrow afternoon. All I really want to do is cry but I won't know how to explain it to my husband. I think he'll probably understand but I don't want him to get sick of dealing with me when I'm like this. I'm trying so hard to be happy, I really am. I think I'm broken. I just don't know how to be. Any ideas from those that read this would be much appreciated.