At first I was thinking things were settling out. Then they got worse. Now I'm just barely holding on.
A good online friend went MIA for a little while. Something had happened and she got very depressed. She tried to kill herself. I was extremely worried about her until she got in contact with me through email the other day. (She was reviewing parts of my book for me and I began to worry that something I wrote may have made her relapse.) I'm too afraid to ask so I'll never really know.
School is somewhat going better. I'm beginning to understand things in my English class more and (with the help of xanax) I'm able to participate a little more. Kind of sad that one of the best students in the class (according to my teacher) needs xanax to speak out loud. I was the only one with 100% on the test so he goes to me and one other student to ask what should and shouldn't be on the test. That's kind of funny. Except the other student is my creepy stalker.
Oh yeah, I haven't updated in a while so no one knows about my creepy stalker. Well extremely long story short, a guy got my number from a teacher (she said he could help if I fell behind) and would text me about random class assignments. Well his wife called (didn't say anything) then texted me. After a day (literally from 11am until 7pm) of texting back and forth, I find out the guy has cheated on her before and she was worried that this was another case. I calmed her worries and promised to keep an eye out if he ever took his ring off or started hitting on me hard core.
On to a super fun part. (I don't know how to make text look sarcastic.) The guy won't leave me alone. At first it was little comments about me being hot or beautiful followed by him saying he was just messing with me. Now it's just too much. He's making comments about me wearing low cut shirts and having a nice chest. (Yes I have bigger boobs but my tank tops aren't low cut. You can barely see cleavage.) Then two nights ago he asked if I was going on the jail tour with the class and joked about us hooking up. He kept talking to me before class until a guy friend (from a class a previous semester) came up and started talking to me. Stalker guy got the hint and left. Other guy had said that if I wasn't married, he'd hit on me but he respected my marriage and me enough to not try it. He offered to have a "talk" with stalker guy but I really didn't want any trouble started.
Just because of the "hooking up" comment the other night, I purposely missed the jail tour earlier tonight. I didn't want to deal with it. And luckily he didn't text me like he usually does. Maybe his wife was smart and deleted my number from his phone. Or maybe she checks his phone when he gets home. I don't care what it is that is keeping him from texting me, but I'm glad he's stopped. It was starting to bother my husband as well.
On to the changes with the hubby. Well the company he's working for right now has been a little frustrating. He wasn't getting home early enough and he was having to leave way too early. The loads weren't paying enough for how far he had to drive. Each check has been less and less. Finally this week, it got to a point where we weren't sure he was going to get home (again). He has been looking into several different companies. There was one company with a dedicated out of Birmingham but they weren't returning his calls. He talked to another and they approved his hiring and told him to let them know whenever he made his final decision. They've been very cool with waiting until he is sure he's going to them.
Well, while he was on the road today, realizing that they weren't giving him enough time to get his load to it's destination, he had a bit of a panic attack. He called me and I had to talk him down until he got somewhere he could stop and breathe. (Kind of rough for a person with panic attacks to talk someone out of one.) When he stopped and calmed down, we talked about it and decided that it would be ok for him to quit today if he was to go off to orientation to the next place the day after my birthday (the 27th of this month).
One thing I didn't think about is the fact that there will be at least one week without a paycheck, one with a very crappy paycheck, and possibly a second week without a check. We now have our cable bill, power bill, mortgage, car payment, homeowners insurance, gas, and loan payment in that time table. Luckily we have $300 in savings in the (likely) event that these last two checks can't cover it all, but we were hoping to go out for the day and night for my birthday.
Oh well, what's another f*&^%d up birthday weekend. I've come to expect something to go wrong. Whether it's parents forgetting, fighting with parents, tornadoes, a death in my husbands family, or just being alone. There's always something. It's an expected inevitability.
So now I'm here at home, alone, with no one to go to. (Husband and father-in-law are in Indiana, ex-boss has to work early, and I have no actual friends down here.) I'm on the computer, crying, trying to distract myself and all I seem to run into is things that are upsetting me more.
I see people on facebook posting family fall pics (we don't have the money and hubby doesn't have the time), or girls are announcing they're pregnant or posting pictures of their babies (doc won't figure out why I'm not getting pregnant). I just, I don't know what to do. I was looking for positive but all I can find is negative. I'm throwing myself an amazing pity party and I'm the only one invited.
That's my rant for the time being. (It's not like anyone reads it anyways.) Hopefully this will help a little bit. Probably not. Now time to do some more research for my book. Like: How many ceiling tiles are in a doctors office or hospital room.
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