Sick

I'm sick. Sick of always being the strong one. Sick of covering up all the pain and hurt. Sick of being the one everyone goes to when something goes wrong, but never the one they go to help. I just want for once to be helped. I want someone to see the signs: the red eyes, smeared make up, dark circles around my eyes, stomach pain, hoarseness of my voice. How is it that easy to ignore me? No one seems to ever notice the pain. Either that, or they just don't give a damn. I'm dying inside and just want someone to notice. I'm drowning and all I need is just one person to throw me a life jacket. I just don't know what to do.

I tried to see how much a counselor that specializes in BPD would be without insurance. $160 first visit and $130 every other visit. I can't afford that. Especially when I really need help (meaning I'd like to have a visit at least once a week). So, I'm not sure what to do. I guess I'll call around and see if any will be cheaper or will work with me on payment. I know I need help, and I want help, I just don't know where to find help that I can afford (that will actually help instead of just saying to "stop doing that" or to "get over it")

Time for bed. I guess. At least the xanax induced sleep is a slight release. Well, until I have a nightmare or I forget where I'm at.

Back

So, I'm back from my "vacation" in Michigan. First was my moms wedding. It went great. I got to give her away. I cried when I sat down. Then I spent time in Farmington Hills. Then back to Montague for cousins open house and a friends baby shower. Everything went really well. Except the loneliness. I really started missing my hubby. I hated being so lonely.

My friend was going to get rid of a kitten so she sent it home with me. Hubby was really excited.

Now things are getting rough. I'm so lonely. And its weird being in our house alone. (Well as alone as one can feel with a kitten and puppy). And I'm feeling exhausted. I can't sleep very long. When I do wake up, I'm not sure where I'm at. The first night the ceiling looked like a log cabin. Then last night it looked like millions of bugs were crawling on the ceiling. It's freaking me out.

Oh well. I guess I should finish cleaning house and get ready for bed.