What To Say

I don't really know what to say. It's been a long time since I've updated this. A LOT has gone on since then.

M and I are no longer friends. We had another row back in August or September. I finally had enough. This time it was me telling her we couldn't be friends. She tried so hard to make me feel bad about it. It worked at first but then it just got weird. I had to ask my counselor at the mental health center to tell her to leave me alone. I blocked hers and her friends phone numbers on my phone. That I know of, she hasn't tried to contact me.

I stopped going to counseling. It was getting to be too expensive and I wasn't really getting anything out of it anymore. It was more like talking to a friend about her week than about dealing with my issues. I need to stop getting so close to counselors. I act like friends and then I stop getting anything out of the sessions. To make it worse, I know what they'll say to me. I'm a Psych major so I know what I should do, I just don't know how to go about it. I need someone that will give me tips and ideas of how to go about dealing with things. I don't want "find something to keep you busy". I want specific ideas of how to do that. I don't have the drive to do any of my hobbies anymore. I stopped with the stained glass, I have hit a horrible writers block, driving doesn't help anymore either.

After the row with M I finally met my friend C in person. She and I met on an app called Whisper. You post your secrets anonymously. Things have been up and down with our friendship since we both have depression and bipolar disorder. But she was there for me through all of hubby's training.

Hubby went through Basic training, AIT, and Airborne. He's now doing his two week summer training. He's close and gets to visit home a lot. He's coming home later tonight (it's already almost 3am) and goes back on Sunday. With all the money troubles (I'll explain in a bit) he may volunteer for a deployment in the fall. I'm not sure I'm ready for that. I thought I would have a couple years to prepare. We're both on the fence about it. We both know we need the money but it feels like he just got home.

Money has been a big issue lately. We've had a lot of bills come up randomly and the people we're buying the house from cashed our mortgage check two weeks early even after promising to wait. So right now, hubby is able to get food at training but I'm suffering. I had just enough money to get some milk, butter, and a little meat. Hopefully I'll have enough to eat until the 13th when he gets paid. My f-i-l just helped us last week with bills so I will not ask him for help again so soon. (Especially after the lecture the other day about the possibility of going to Michigan.) My father can't help until my step-mother gets her fathers estate settled. I'm down to asking my mother to borrow money until my hubby's sign on bonus comes in. I don't want to because I know she will probably make me feel awful for asking, but if I don't I won't really have money for food.

My father goes in for an MRI some time in the next two weeks about his leg. It's been going out on him. He had a rod and pins put in over 15 years ago so they may have to have it taken out. The problems started back in January of February but they're just now getting the second opinion. We were originally supposed to go to Michigan in the event of him needing surgery. Now it's just to get him to stop asking me to visit. It's not like he really wants to see me either. He's more concerned with getting drunk with his son in law. But I do miss my friends back up north. I've had one guy stop by and see me around my birthday because he was in the area. He stopped for about an hour on his way back up north.

I feel a little better getting all of this off my chest. I was in a horrible funk today after I brought hubby back to post. I went for a drive to Mt. Cheaha and just ended up crying in the car by myself. C didn't answer my text so I went alone. I've felt nothing but alone since then. It's a bit weird pouring my heart out to the internet but it's not like people read this. I guess it's just a way to feel like someone can hear me. Oh well. Rambling now.  G'night.

Hard Times / Go Fund Me

I know not many read this, but just in case someone does, please take the time to check out my gofundme page. gofundme.com/oronx4
My husband and I have fallen on extremely hard times and I would appreciate any help. Thank you!

Words Fail Me

There's a lot I need to say to some people but the words just won't come out. Or if they do, they come out wrong.

I want my f-i-l to stop judging what I do. I understand he's constantly worried about his son, but I'm human too. I want him to take the time to understand my disorders and realize that I'm not normal. I don't function like other people do. I know that he worries that I'm going to do what his ex-wife did to him but I'm not her. I'm not just going to live off my husband until I find better. I love my husband. I wouldn't do that to him. I also want him to stop trying to keep an eye on me. He has a church that he went to down here for a while before he stopped. He liked it a lot. I found a church that I thought would be nice for me. Now he wants to go to my church with me. I'm glad he's going to start going back, but I want to go somewhere on my own. I don't want to deal with a phone call asking why I didn't go to church one day. I want him to let me figure out what I want to do on my own. I'm not his child. He has never truly accepted me as one of the family.

I want M to stop worrying so much about me. She's getting overbearing. She's taking me grocery shopping today because she doesn't want me going by myself. I'm almost 25 years old. I think I know how to go grocery shopping by myself by now. Also she constantly asks if I've eaten and gives me a mini lecture if I haven't eaten what she thinks I should. She was slightly upset that I didn't tell her I was sick on Wednesday. I'm not going to text her every time I don't feel well. I can handle myself. I need to figure out how to tell her to back off without hurting her feelings because I know no matter what, she'll take it as a personal attack. What it is, is that I'm not in the best of places mentally and I really need time by myself. When I finally accepted that I've got 5 months of living alone, I started to like the idea of not having to let someone know when I decided to take off to Mt. Cheeha at midnight. I feel like she's trying to be my mother and I don't need that. I haven't had my mother be very motherly toward me for quite a while now. M is acting like I'm a small child. I don't need it. I appreciate the thought but, a lot of the time, I just want to be alone. I don't need someone judging when I eat, what I eat, etc. If I don't want to eat for a day, so be it. My choice.

Ok. Now I'm sounding like a spoiled little child. I know this. This is what I mean by the words don't come out right. I get so worked up that I just start ranting. It gets so frustrating. I just want them to understand that I am able to take care of myself. I can handle this just fine. I know that if I get too depressed, I can just walk into the mental health center and talk to someone, or if it's after hours I can call their crisis line. I have resources. I don't want to fully push them away, but I don't want to feel like I'm constantly being watched and criticized. When I stopped worrying about being alone, I started worrying that I'll never be able to be alone.

Manic

So I laid down about 2 hours ago to go to sleep. I was absolutely exhausted. Well, even after 2 Klonopin, I still couldn't sleep. Racing thoughts and all that fun stuff. Wondering if I have bills taken care of, work, weird house settling noises, wondering if I offended my friend M by only going out to dinner with her instead of going over to her house after, worrying about my hubby, etc. Finally, a random thought popped into my head. I had been joking about dying all of my hair the red color that I dyed the shorter hair framing my face. Well, now I'm sitting, waiting for 40 minutes to pass to wash out the hair dye. It was spur of the moment. Hope it turns out as good as it did with the other bits of hair. Not sure how everyone else is going to react though. Everyone told me not to. But this stuff gradually washes out. I figured, what the heck it's my hair why shouldn't I be able to dye it. Here's to hoping it turns out good.

On a side note, I got pictures hung in the house and rearranged the living room so there's more space and it looks more organized. I should have known I was getting manic earlier when I moved all that furniture on my own. Oh well.

I put the letters to my hubby in the mailbox yesterday. I still don't know how often he wants me to write so in one of the letters I asked. I had family members that wanted his address, email me on facebook so I could give it to them. Hopefully all these letters will keep his spirits up. I really do miss him so much. I'm slowly getting used to the freedom of being alone but I would still trade that to have him back home, hogging the bed. It's easier to sleep knowing he's at home.

Alone Time

I'm not really used to alone time. Usually I have dishes to clean up, trash to throw out, errands to run, laundry to fold and put away. I wasn't ready for this. I hung up some pictures that we had been meaning to put up. It felt weird because I didn't have him here to give his opinion. When money comes in, I'm going to finish painting the trim in the dining room. I guess I could move around the living room, but like before it's weird without his opinion. To make it worse, I still have another day off.

He couldn't call tonight but he sent me a text with the address to send him mail. I'll finish my letter for him and put it in the mail tomorrow.

I don't really know what to say. I want to keep this blog updated, though no one really reads it, but I'm just so down that I don't have the energy to. I guess this will be a short entry.

A New Hurt

Today went alright. I did the online survey about insurance, ordered new stickers for the license plate, emailed the people we're buying the house from,  got my klonopin refilled, and set up an appointment with my counselor for next month. I also cleaned out the refrigerator and cupboards. Fairly productive day.

Then I text my friend Bri. She's really supportive. She'll be driving down here for my birthday in October. She'll probably have the kids with so I figure we'll go to the Birmingham Zoo or something similar that I haven't been to. The only down side, is what we started talking about. Her and her husband are trying for another baby. She had a miscarriage last month. I did what I usually do to give her baby mojo. I told her not to get pregnant. For some reason, that always seems to work. Suddenly she realized that it might make me upset talking about it. She felt bad but I played it off and told her she would have to give me baby mojo when hubby gets home in January.

It does make me a bit sad. I've been trying for 5 years now. Luckily I'll have Tricare soon and I'll be able to finally see a doctor and figure out what's wrong. I'm just terrified of what I might find out. If I get told that I can't have kids, I'm going to be devastated. I shouldn't think about that now. Just need to relax before bed and be prepared to start working again tomorrow.

Not Quite Goodbye

Today we brought hubby to Montgomery. It went better than I thought. We got to drive him down so I spent time with him then. We stopped at DreamLand BBQ and had lunch. Then we walked around a bit and went to the Hank Williams Museum. Finally, we made our way to his hotel and sat in the lobby for a while. My father-in-law and I left him there around 3 so that he could check into his room.

I cried a little when we were hugging goodbye and I was sniffling pretty bad as I walked to my car. I think my father-in-law might have cried in the bathroom for a minute. One thing I'm thankful for, is we never actually said goodbye. I think I would have lost it had we actually said those words. I can sort of live in a false belief that he'll be home soon. Though as I write this, the sadness is starting to come on a bit.

The drive home wasn't as bad as I was expecting. I drove and maybe that helped keep me focused on something other than how sad I was feeling. My father-in-law and I talked most of the ride and it was pretty nice. He wasn't overbearing and he didn't say anything about me needing to be strong. I think he understood that the less people ask me (how I'm doing, how I'm holding up, if I'm ok, etc.) the better I'll be.

My friend from group, M, on the other hand, doesn't seem to understand this. With every text, she would ask if I'm ok. I want to scream that no I'm not. I'm a mess. I'm exhausted, lonely, frightened, and lost feeling. She even called when I got home. I don't want to talk. I want to be left alone. She wants to see me tomorrow. I understand that she's just looking out for me and she's worried about how I'm holding up, but it's already too much. If I look bad or sound upset, fine ask me if I'm ok. But if I say I'm fine and sound fine, let me be. I don't talk about these things easily with people. It takes years and years for me to trust someone enough to tell them when I'm upset. My friend back up in Michigan, Babs, is the only one other than my husband that I can flat out tell them when I'm depressed. I've known Babs since I was in 5th grade. We've been friends for 14 years. I've only known M for a year and a half, and we've already stopped talking once.

Oh well. I'm just rambling now. I should get off here and take care of Button (our lab). She seems to know that I'm upset.